deameon2020

[deameon2020]

[deameon2020]

2017…

This is the story of how 2017 became the saddest year of my life. It’s the year that my life changed forever. It’s the year that my whole life came crashing down with almost no hope of survival.

Sadly 2017 is the year that I experienced the worst kind of emotional, physical, mental anguish that I’ve ever felt. My whole moral base destroyed. All the things that I understood to be true now false. 

You see, growing up, I always believed that good always triumphs over evil. 

That friends would always be there for you and have your back no matter what. 

I thought maybe the love movies you see we’re kind of true. I thought true love was indestructible. 

And I thought time travel would be awesome. 

Growing up I always believed the mind over matter spiel. I always thought myself mentally superior to those and why not, I had the brain to prove it.

Oh God… Wrong… How so fucking wrong I was…There is no understanding of how wrong I was in this…

The pain that I’ve experienced this year, is unlike any pain I’ve ever experienced in my life before. And trust me, I know what pain feels like. For you see I have fought for my life from 2009 to 2014. 

Experienced the pain that felt like a thousand knives cutting me all over, having my flesh ripped off my body as I’m set on fire. Having my balls kicked in repeatedly well having my heart crushed, and my lungs ripped out while my stomach is shredded into pieces… I know that pain from the hundreds of ER visits, to the days and weeks spent in ICU. 

This pain though… Was nothing compared that…

Hunger became nothing, the coldness of winter had no effect on me. 

This pain, even made time powerless against it… 

The feeling of death became irrelevant…

Every sad tale though starts off with a high note, and even though I was fighting to my life years ago, in 2014, my whole world changed.

In 2014 I was blessed with a miracle. Actually, I mean the girl of my dreams. I know a lot of people say that, but this is different. 

Because you see I met this girl in my dreams before I even met her in real life. 

I met her and my dreams when I was laying in a hospital bed fighting for my life. 

The red headed woman standing on a hill looking down on me. 

That was my motivation to keep fighting. Weirdly enough on my birthday I met this girl finally in real life and instantly fall in love. The very first time we hung out it was like Romeo and Juliet. Shitty for me that day, I became sick with us just hanging out for a single hour… Totally not the best first hang out that someone could want. But she sat beside me all day and into the night until I finally woke up to see her holding my hand. There was a lot of firsts for this amazing partnership between us. We truly were that fantasy couple that everyone wanted to be. Our first time having sex was actually truly an accident where we both slipped and it just happened. Anytime we had an argument we would play Rock Paper Scissors where the winner you got to kiss the loser, which would end up us playing for hours. We were truly soulmates. And I think that’s why this is so hard, because it’s been said that when soulmates are ripped apart there’s so much negative energy that comes from it. So much pain that ripples through life. In 2014 this miracle girl changed my life for the better. Miraculously my illness that had plagued me for so many years started to dissipate to the point where I could start weaning myself off medications. My health became better. She started fixing my life. Truly this girl took me at my worst and helped rebuild me. So if this girl is my soulmate then why am I not with her?

Well in 2015 things started to happen. For starters I was blackmailed. I was blackmailed to the point where images of my girlfriend would be released to the internet and stories of her would be told which would ruin her life. I had to protect her. So I decided what must be done to protect her, and I paid it. I did what was told. But in doing so I also did the most stupidest thing by not telling her even though I promised I would tell her everything, no matter how bad. I didn’t want to tell her this though because I didn’t want her to worry. I paid it because I had in my mind that I would figure out who these people were since I had this amazing brain that could do anything and mind over matter bullshit, so I paid it with the idea of tracking them down and making them pay for what they did. Wrong again I was.

In 2016 me and my girlfriend started to have more problems. A lot of problems… And I started to have problems physically, emotionally and mentally as well. Weirdly enough I started getting very sick again. My body started failing me. And then my mind. My memory would fail me on days, sometimes to a week leaving me no understanding of what was going on. The doctors became baffled but I was at a loss of words. Tests, tests, and more tests, but always with no answers. My girlfriend was telling me that there was something wrong, that I’d changed and that I became mean. I started to despise her friends, I would talk down to her, I would walk away from her, all these bad things. On those days I have no memory I was supposedly the most evil monster you can imagine. I hurt my girlfriend emotionally, mentally, and physically those days. I’ll spare you the details but it’s something that you never want to have happened to a loved one. Sadly, our fighting started to outweigh the good days, but the good days… Well, they were still the most amazing days ever, and my girlfriend and I fought for  everything we had for this relationship. I will admit I was the world’s worst asshole to her though, and yet she still stayed by my side fighting for us.

This brings us to 2017. The worst year of my life…

The worst year of my life…

The worst year of my life….

Now some of my friends say that I’ve had a really hard life. More so then many others.

Sadly, you see, I have the molested, I have been raped, I have lost loved ones and witnessed my friends suicides. I have gone to hell and back as some would say from my illness. But this year outweighs all that combined.

A few days before May 17th I came home to find my girlfriend with a hickey on her neck when crawling into bed. I knew exactly what it was and it explains some other things.  Now before you jump on the bandwagon of being pissed at my girlfriend, take a moment and understand this. She lived a life of hell, for about a year and a half, and well, it sucks what happened, but she too was a victim to the manipulation that I too was. So just hold on till you know it all. Cause I don’t hold this against her in any way. I was heartbroken though, and crushed and then the weirdest thing happened when I confronted her with anger. I didn’t care. For some odd reason it just didn’t bother me. On May 17th my whole life changed. Well I was going to bed I noticed my girlfriend’s phone was unlocked messaging someone. She was asleep so I looked at her phone before I locked it but one of the messages threw me off. So I scrolled up to see a few of the messages and realized that she cheated on me. When I confronted her she told me that she had. Ironically it was on the days that I had left her when she wanted to spend time with me. They were the days that I pushed her away and left her alone. That’s the night we had a huge fight. She left that morning. The next few days I don’t have memories for and am going by what the doctors and friends told me. I was overwhelmed with life and the fact that so much in my life is going bad and that the doctors told me that my sickness was getting worse that I decided to end my life. But you see, there was another factor in this decision that I didn’t even know at the time.

It wasn’t a cry for help but me wanting to just end it. So I took six different types of medications, four of them that did not have an overdose plan. The other two medications that did have an overdose plan, I decided, and took three times the lethal dose with the other four medications taking double the lethal dose. My limp almost dead body was taken to the hospital when a friend had called 911, even though I didn’t want them to. I really don’t understand how I got in contact with them nor why I did, but somehow it happened… I was released from the hospital after some time, because I seemed okay but sadly I wasn’t. Supposedly I was at home tearing my place apart when my girlfriend came home. She says she knew right away it wasn’t me and I that I didn’t know who she was, but before she could leave it was too late. All fucked up, chemically damaged brain in a manic rage, attacked her. Well skip the details, but yes, sadly I did hit her… Although she doesn’t hold that against me because she said it wasn’t me.

I started remembering things that Friday. Her and I had texted a few times, I saw her on Saturday where I gave her some flowers and some stuff of hers. She cried, I cried but it felt like we were drifting apart never to be again… Seriously what the fuck was going on ???

The next few weeks were pure hell, as my health was extremely messed up. My average resting heart rate was between 150 to 180, with a sleeping heart rate of 130. My blood pressure was 240 over 180 and maintained that for weeks. What was going on, and why could I not remember myself as a kid? What had happened to all my memories?

Well because of all the medications that I took, I did a number on myself…

I damaged my body pretty bad…

Months later it was clear… Damage to my lungs, my heart, my kidneys and other parts of my body. The worst though, was I had brain damage and severe long term memory loss. And at that moment I lost so much… All the things I held dear in my mind, forever gone… One of the hardest things that I had to do when I saw my parents for the first time since this accident was explained to them that I didn’t remember them. And on top of that that my mother was just diagnosed with cancer and my father with severe diabetes. The look on their face is something that ranks in the top, of the things that hurt me the most.

So now my now EX and I grew very far apart. To the point where she had anger towards me. And why not, in her mind I was a complete asshole. And I was and that’s why I don’t hold it against her for having sex with another person.

So this all sucks. This alone had made for the worst year of my life. But then I get a phone call. A phone call from the hospital… That was the day I found out, that in 2017, I was simply just a puppet not knowing a damn thing…

See here’s the twist, the part that I wish was not true but it is. The main reason that my soulmate was torn away from me. A person who I thought was one of my best friends was jealous of us and had made it up in his mind that he would destroy us. 

He made a plan, and started it in 2015… Yup… My so called friend was the one who decided that he was going to blackmail me… But no, it wasn’t just the blackmail he did. Why stop there. You wanna destroy someone, you make them crazy… And well, he also knew what kind of medication I was on. And well, he decided to tamper with time release medications, as well as adding a few more. He knew that adding one simple pill, would cause so many issues, since he had seen it before, when a hospital visit made that mistake before… So he took that as an advantage, and simply added medication to the coffees that he would buy for me from Tim Hortons, which was many…

It makes sense now why my coffee always tasted like shit. Hell, when my friends found out, they understood, as they always heard me complain about how my coffee taste like shit when he bought it for me. It made sense why you would drive an hour to buy me a coffee talk for 5 minutes and then drive home an hour again. He knew that the combination of these medications would cause major issues. The doctor say it’s a miracle because the combination of these medications normally kill people and even though they knew there was something wrong with me they never tested for that medication because I was never prescribed it. Because of a small little pill, it would cause me to become someone I wasn’t. Almost like split personality. Because of a small little pill, this is why I became a puppet. Even though he was drugging me it wasn’t working as fast as he wanted, since my girlfriend and I were that fairy tale couple, and at the start of 2017 he had to double the doses he gave me. That’s when him and his friend had to start manipulating both my girlfriend and I to drive home the final steak. Even after we broke up they still went out of their way to contact my now ex, and start rumors about me and just get her to hate me to the point of no return…

It wasn’t until one of them found out that this fucking stunt they polled was putting my life in an extreme emergency health wise, and that’s when one of them wrote my final blackmail letter. That’s when they started to slip up. But when they did slip up, they went out to my ex again to nail one last nail in, and went to the point where they tried to get me committed so I wouldn’t be able to defend myself… That’s also the time that the director of Emergency Operations from the hospital and health authority notified me that they were under the suspicion that my medications were being tampered with. After testing it was proven that the medication that we suspected was in my bloodstream… Fuck…

So much damage was done… A small group of my friends were the only people that knew what was going on, and knew the full truth. A few of them reached out to contact my ex, but it was to late. These assholes had basically warped her mind so bad. and made her think that everyone was fucked up and how she couldn’t believe them, no matter what, even though there was evidence to prove it. Evidence that could not be made up. It was in that instance that she stopped talking to all of our mutual friends. She was told that they were all taking my side, and against her, when sadly everyone just wanted us to get back together… And there was no point talking to her friends because for the last year, when I was all fucked up, I started to hate them all.even though I never truly hated them and actually enjoyed hanging out with them. Nothing could be done to fix my soulmate and I.

The pain was so unbearable… I tried to fix it when I met this girl, anything to get over this pain. I loved her with everything that I had left. I gave everything once again without being fixed, without being healed… Not the best idea since I was so shattered inside, but the pain from my breakup was killing me inside, I had to try to survive… But you see there was another pair of snakes that had the same idea, as the assholes before, and wanted to break us up. I guess lightning does strike twice. 

This so called best friend of hers, named fuck face, had this massive crush on this girl I was dating, which everyone knew and saw, but fuck if my now new girlfriend could see it. Maybe she just didn’t care… Well fuck face didn’t want us together because then well, how else was she to sit on her face if I was in the picture…

She would continuously bring up my ex to make me, making me think about her. 

She would always bring my girlfriend to my ex’s work all the time… 

She would tell me things, or her just to start fights. 

She even got my girlfriends ex, to try to get back with her, (which the cheating sack of shit did end up doing) by manipulating her. Fuck this kid would text her on his friends phone pretending that he was all so innocent now.. Barf…

In the end her so-called best friend and ex where the reason that me and this girl broke up.

Funny thing, is even with all the proof, text messages, screen shots, pictures and video recordings, (Because people are to dumb to remember that peoples dash cams record AUDIO) and all the other proof of all the stuff that they did, we ended up broken up…

I find it funny that her so called best friend is so fucked in the head, that she didn’t even care when this guy who’s now dating this girl, and now her best friend, fucked her girlfriend/fwb… 

Maybe it was a good thing to be honest… Because you see I never got over my ex. Every time I tried to, the fighting just made me understand that my ex is the most amazing person in the world. And I knew that this relationship would never work because her best friend would never allow us to be happy together, and the dumbass ex who was fucking all these other girls, *well call him needle dick* would never allow it too. It wasn’t a long relationship. As quickly as it started and ended. 

But it was the way that it ended. Once again my Destiny was not in my control but in fact determined by two assholes once again. 

It’s been a few months since all of that. Nothing seems good. My mind is so messed up that there’s days I wake up and I look for my ex… Because it still thinks it’s 2016 and it thinks that I’m still dating her. I now have a book that I have to read first thing, when I wake up, to explain what’s going on. I honestly feel like Drew Barrymore from 50 First Dates when she wakes up in the morning and has to watch a video to explain how mind fucked she really is and yeah…

This is where I believe that time travel is not amazing. For I am in 2017 but fucked for me, my mind isn’t… It’s circa 2016… Fuck I wish I could go back in time to where my mind is…

This is the year that my pets are about to die, that my my parents are extremely sick, with my mom fighting for her life, the massive loss of my memories..

The year I lost the love of my life. 

This is the year that I realize that all the things I thought true are not. 

That best friends can stab you in the back in the most brutal ways. 

The love stories in movies are not true. 

There’s no second chances, the ones you see in the movies, those are bullshit!!!

And that innocent are not always spared, and that good doesn’t always win. It doesn’t always triumph over evil.

I learned that even soulmates, who have the most amazing love in the universe… Well that love can’t conquer everything.

I also learned that this new type of pain is one of the worst things to feel and it’s something I wouldn’t even wish on the people that put me in this way. To the people who broke her and I up, I still wouldn’t wish this pain on them. It’s the most unbearable thing ever. And there’s nothing that anyone can do for me. I learned that there is something worse than death and that’s being dead and alive at the same time. I learned that a tiny pill can ruin lives. 

I learned that 2017 will always be the worst year of my life. I learned that I will never have kids, that I will never get married, and that I will never love another person again. I learned that i’m in quicksand, and the more that I fight to win, to survive, the faster I sink… To the point where one day soon I will be nothing.

In a way I’m already dead, just on borrowed time. So when you read this don’t weep for me for I’m already dead inside…

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[deameon2020]

I won't ever love again, for I don't have a heart to love now.