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me: how do i
stop myself from hating myself?
happypills: .... whyyyyy the pill do you always ask me like i have the answer?????
me: *shrugs. idfk.... why you always around me then???
happypills: lolol oh jeeeez. maybe you deserve to hate yourself?
me: -_-;; that was really mean. you suck at your job.
happypills: not my job. how is that my job???? AND .....,,, YOU SEE the issue with this dilema???? its like: IF you were to actually like yourself.... youd probably hate yourself EVEN MORE ... you see what im saying???? ....
YOU are impossible.
me: .................................................... *sigh. YEA. I AGREE. one hundred percent.
but its still your job to make me feel better.
YOU are happypills.
you see what im saying??????? i guess BOTH of us are impossible you pillhole.
happypills: lololol. did you not notice that i was defective from the moment i started talking???? like. IM A TALKING PILL. .... CMON.
me: -_-;;;;;;;;;; *SIGHHHHHHHHHH
i hate you ........ so much.
- happypills
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hard day
i had a hard day today.
ones where you come back home silent, and demoralized... dejected, and sad.
ones where, even if you did your best and did the right thing, you feel more broken than you were yesterday.
...
i remember i used to tell someone about those days...
to my mom.
to my friends.
to my exes.
to .... someone.
and id feel better. comforted even.
and i dont know when it stopped.... no, not really stop... but more like, i dont know when i found the relief slowly fade to a point where
the "hard day" sits with me like a rock, and the rock wont fade....
.........................its still there............................
.....................and piles up, and fills................
...........up, and grows till its all just one.......
mothahfuhcking gigantic thing. that is just there.
i dont know if that has happened because i have less people to talk to, OR i have less people to talk to because of this.
but either way,
i come to a point
where i question if something is wrong with me.
///////////////
you know?
like................ is something wrong with me.
.
.
. LIKE, despite doing my best or the right thing.
is something wrong with me, and is my best just never.... good?
.
.
/////////////////
------------
me: so it came to a point, where i started talk to YOU.... about these hard days..... but. like seriously, wtf -- you are like, the worst fucking listener.
happypills: *playing Guilty Gear Strive; eyes glued to the monitor wait.... whuuuuut???????????????
me: .................yea, this is why i dont write anymore...............
- happypills
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2025
i think...
i used to be better.
at least in some ways.
maybe... in other ways im better now.
...
idk.
....
i cant remember the last time i set resolutions.
not that i dont think i need them, but i know too well...
.... .... oh, God knows, how i regress.
....,
and so here is its:
regression............
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣀⣀⣀⡀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣀⣴⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣶⣄⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢀⣶⣿⣿⡿⠛⠉⠉⠉⠛⢿⣿⣿⣷⣄⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢀⣴⣿⣿⣿⠋⡀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠙⣿⣿⣿⣿⣦⡀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀��⣰⣶⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣀⣀⣀⣀⣀⣀⣰⣰⣶⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣷⣦⣤⣀ ⠉⠉⠉⠉⠈⠉⠛⠛⠛⠛⣿⣿⡽⣏⠉⠉⠉⠉⠉⣽⣿⠛⠉⠉⠉⠉⠉⠉⠉⠁ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠉⠻⣷⣦⣄⣀⣠⣴⣾⡿⠃⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠈⠛⠿⠿⠿⠟⠋⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
its a black hole.
i dont know when or where it began. but once it did, it has consumed everything and anything...................................
2025 is but a moment ...
.... and that moment has already fallen into the black hole. and is merely a replay of a space-time i have already lived.
...
...
...
they say a new years is about seeing how you can change and grow from what you were last year.
.... but i think a new year is about coming to terms with, and being able to live with the me, that i was, and am, and will be.
...
-------
-------
happypills: YEA. GREAT way to start the new year.
me: jesus, you just sound like everyone else.
happypills: cliche has its reasons yooo. dont deny its power.
me: -_-;;;;;; okay. what are you going to do for this new year???
happypills: aaaOH. i didnt know we were going there. WELLLll.... if you have to ask. i think 2025 is all about PROgression.
yah know???
because im a pro at gressing and shit.
me: .... i uh.... uh. i dont think you understand what progressionmeans.
happypills: PWUH. i know. i know.... it's when you reach NEW HEIGHTS. breakthroughssss. just...
*makes fisting motion to the sky
... just.... conquer new territories. and just...
*makes a bird flying motion with hands
... fly, OUTTA here
yah know???
me: .... like... you mean finally dying???
happypills: whaddaPILL????!!! NO. i dont mean dying. i mean like.....
LIKE....................
what happened to... like those days... in your twenties. when you were travelling to new planes and discovering a new paradigm??!!
me: yea.... yea... sounds like dying to meh..........
happypills: ugggggggghhhhhhhhhh. you have no appreciation for life.
me: oh wow, ....... what has life done, other than KILL me....?
happypills: -_-;;;;;;;;;;;;;; that,............ LITERALLY makes NOOOOO SENSE.
me: .OH. ... PLEASE> YOUUUUU make no sense.
happypills: ............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................. I DUNNNO.
one might say. you are your own black hole...
...
and you just bitchin all the time that you cant get out.
me: ohhhh. ohhhhhhhh JEEZ. i didnt know that one of your resolutions for 2025 was to be a critical pillhole. and ignore the science of a blackhole pulling in every conceivable thing, including light.
happypills: relax. you NEED to hear this.
me: -_-;;; what does happypills know about needs......??????
happypills: ............................................ >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> you know.... before i met you................
i wanted to be..... like a hero. a hero that saves lives.
me: LOL.
happypills: yea., yea. i know. but thats what i wanted. maybe even i wanted to be a hero before the fact that i saved lives....
but.
at some point, i realized that i couldnt even save myself...
id just be consumed...... as the pill that i was.
used. and forgotten.
or.
even maybe i was a crutch.
a blasphemous reliance to relieve pain for others for a moment, but never the solution.
...
...
the reason i came to you.... was never because i wanted it.
i think when i realized what i wanted was foolish, i needed to know what i needed.
...
...
and in my search -- across space and time -- i saw that YOU needed me.
....
NOONE. needed me like you needed me.
............
and I needed that.
...
my needs???
my needs are never something i can do on my own.
my needs. are grace.
the type of grace, that will sustain this year.
whether if i live, or die.
am gone. or am here.
am above
or below.
.
a grace that is present. eternally.
to give.............. awareness.. lucidness.... and breathe. to see a world behind the curtains.... that extends beyond the known universe
to move, walk, and dance, in understanding. and purpose. and wisdom.
though i have done nothing to earn it.
....................
yah know???????????????? progressing ......... towards eternity. .... and beyond.
towards........
me: SO, ................. you mean like.............. progressing towards... dying????
happypills: -_-;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; gawd, ...........
NO.
imean.....
ijuhsmean.
.... like epiphanies.... LIFECHANGING epiphanies.
...
and the adventures we have had.
lol. think of how far we have come.
and how much further to go.
me: ...................................... -_-;;;; ... why is it that everything you say sound like dying???!
happypills: ok. nvm. NVM.
i giveup.
i give up on 2025.
its cancelled.
BYE.
*walks away...........................................
me: .................... *shouts to happypills: I DUNNO.... .DOESNT SOUND LIKE GRACE ETERNAL.
*happypills continues to walk away .... and flips me off.
- happypills
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the greatest reasons
induce the strongest emotions.
- happypills
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we suffer
because life in this world is unfair.
then we keep on sufferings, as we add and seek unfruitful desires to lift ourselves out of such affiar.
and eventually, spread our sufferings, when we live for ourselves.
there is only pain in suffering,
until it is met with love.
by, from, and through love, we see that suffering is founded in purpose.
and that purpose, is to worship God, who stands evident, between our deepest sufferings and His even deeper love.
- happypills
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this world is
cursed.
but there are blessings eternal.
- happypills
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happy
i put a spot on a wall, and i saw that as my anchor as to what happiness was.
i think when i was younger though, i didnt realize how vast the wall was.............. is.
its .... .... ... INCOMPARABLE to even call it a wall, ......................since i have yet to see its edges.
as for the spot on the wall ive anchored to .... ive retracted that over the years, and placed it from one place to another.
sometimes id walk back.
sometimes id move forward.
sometimes id just go in circles.
and now that im thirty,... i hold on to this 'spot' i call happiness...
... and.............. cant seem to anchor it to the wall......... to ANY place on the empty canvas..............
to any
singe point
in
/
space time.
----------------------
when i thought i met the love of my life.
when i thought i was cared for with the job i had.
when i thought my achievements would be enough.
when i think about happiness...
... i.......................................................
think of pain.
... and disappointment.
........................ >>................... >>>>.............. >>>>>>........
when i think of happiness, i cannot NOT think of pain.
and
when i DONT think of pain, i cannot think of happines.
...
..
.
the issue..................... isnt so much that im not happy. its that i think i never was.
i MAY have thought so, so naively, at one point .....> >............................. at.......... MANY points..
that.............. a certain 'X' would fulfill an achor.
a spot.... no. THAT SPOT, THE SPOT. and. it will finally stay there.......
.............
..........
......
and exist....... as i would see it.
.
BUT it was never
it.
because what i saw was only what i had. and never really a moment in space-time.
.
.
so i kept.... ONLY carrying this 'spot', of a happiness, around with me.... Sooo, ... desparate to pin it....................
................................ JUST.
. .
. SOMEWHERE
. . . .. .. .. .. .. .. . . .. .. .. .. .. .. . . .. .. .. .. .. .. . . .. .. .. .. .. .. .
and yet,... ................. here i am. holding onto 'happy'. still.
but never happy.
--- --- --- ______________________ ____________________ _______________________ ___________
---___-____________---
-____----------------__-
happypills: oHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH JEEEEEEEZ. lemme guess.... so ITS ALL MY FAULT.
me: yeaA. its always your fault.
happypills: WHENNN was it that you said happiness wasnt the point (in life)????
like 2017??????
DUDE. eeven then. by EVEN MY STANDARDS.
yah were still younggg.
...
....
what happened??????????
me: -_-;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;
life....... a near life-time of happypills. .... aka. YOU.
a.................... fuking life time. EVEN by "your standards"..... or whatever that is...
wait. soo WHAT EVEN IS THAT STANDARD???
happypills:. Ugh.. PWUH. the PILLSIAN ORDER????
like yoooooooooh.
>....
why do you keep forgetting?????
it was a .... THING. remember???? 2019??????
me: ////////////////................................/
///////////////////////////////////////////////// uh yea.
i (re)member.
i member.
happypills: .... you seem like. .. (*in disappointment). seem like you dont remember...... ....
me: ,,,, NO. I DO. really. i do.
happypills:. NO. thats... that kewl........... the way you say, 'really. i do'.
is really NOTconvincing.
thatskewl. thatskewl...........................................
.
ITS ONLY my birthday.......... BUT here you are going around. and
MOTHAPILLING FORGETTING ALLLLLLLLLLLL of our kickpill ADVENTURES....... ................................................... >........ PILLINGpill. fogetting our
mmotthaaPILLIN ADVENTURES.,
me: .......... -_-;;;;; OKAYYYYY. STOP. please. stop overreacting......
...................
.................
..............
...
dude........ i cant believe its 2024 already.........
.
where ................. did the time go??????>>
.
happypills: WELL,,,, it didnt really go anywhere.
its juhs...........
..................
..
here.
..............
....................
yah know???
me: ........ ummmmmmmmmmmmmmMM.... whhat??? hahha
no.
i dunno.
happypills: LIKE. ... yahknow???? youre zooming out.
the older you get.
time is more stretched,..... so sayeth the chemical law, book of Atom, Chapter XIII verse 19.
me: .....................................................................
...........................................................................
............................................................ noway. NO WAY the .........
whatever nerdy law you follow,
says, "LIKE. youre ZOOMING out. the older you get."
like.
wtf.///?????
happypills: ITS TRUEEE. PSHHHHHHHHHHHH.
.... you know so little.
me: LOL. SO........... whatt>??? what about zooming out the older i get???
happypills: well, when you zoom out,
what seemed big. will start seeing small.
things you havent seen before. will start coming into your field of view.
and you...................
......................
.....................
me: ....................... what.... what about me??
happypills: oh nothin. you just sink into eternity. like a collapsing star.
me: ..................................................... WTF. is that from your nerdy book again????????????????
happypills: ughhhhhhhhhhhhh. T-T WHY do you always hurt meh like this?????
---------------------
----------------------
me: -_-;;;;;;
- happypills
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the answer is not
in an answer,
but the process
- happypills
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me: every moment i live,
i inch closer towards death.
i dont really think birthdays are a thing to celebrate.
happypills: oh jeeeeezz. i guess you should just blame your mom for setting you up for death huh?
me: -_-;;; well... i mean, if you put it that way......
happypills: pwuh. i just think its silly talking about the paradoxical dichotomy of existence. life and death. cant exist without one another right?
me: eh, i dunno.... i think that death cannot exist without life.
but life can without death...
you know??
happypills:. .... mmmmmm no. i dont. actually, i change my mind, i think the quite opposite: life cant exist without death, but death can exist without life.
like you know, the state of nothing. nothing begets nothing.
but something does imply a beginning and an end.
death will be only death, and there is no life. but life, comes with death.
me: yeeaaa.... okay. i kinda see what youre saying.
happypills: well, how about you?? what did you mean?
me: like.... i thought that since death cannot ever create life... like how you said nothing only begets nothing. i guess i placed life as having self-agency....
happypills: (*scratches forehead) im confused..
me: what i mean is, like, something to have come from nothing has to mean there is some agent beyond what seems as nothing....
though yea, i know nothing is nothing, but maybe only nothing from our point of view.
you know what i mean???
happypills: yeaaaa... kinddaaa. go on.
me: so, because life couldn't have began from what was dead, or nothing, there is another variable independent of what is .... nothing, that could have even caused life.
so life can exist without death, because it comes from an agent that put into motion from what was nothing.
happypills: yeaaaa... idk...... some might argue that nothing is ...
me: (*in unison with happypills) ... is nothing......
I KNOW. ugh.
i know...
but like in my case of death. i die. but life still goes on. its only that people die, that there is still life.
like lets say something starts moving, and it always moves, and it keeps going on. unless if there is a frame of reference for something that has "stopped" or is stationary, there is no such thing as movement in an empty vacumn of space until there is something that doesn't move.
happypills: ... and by movement, you speak in terms of like life and death?
me: yea.
happypills: okay. that makes sense as to what you mean by life can exist without death
....... BUT then again, something coming from nothing, doesn't really mean then that it is nothing.... and the life, or motion, so you say, does in fact "stop" for our referential view...... Like.... have you ever seen a dead bird???
me: WELL, yea,..... i guess it really comes down to perspective of what one defines as life and death???
i mean the materalist view would be the classic something vs nothing. but it runs into an impossible problem of something not having been able to come from nothing. like the whole notion of first movement is made impossible.... but yet.... we "are".
and then there is the view that life is more like existence itself, but it runs into the issue of evidentiary, non-corporal existence.... which, again is ... impossible from our physical perspective.
i...................
like......
WHY IS EXISTING SO CONFUSING?????
like fuck. im turning XXX and .......
bruh.
im ready to dip out.... .... just to get me some clarification.
happypills: LOL. .................... well..... its like i said. whats the point of wondering about this??
just.... live just as much as you will be dead another day. and you will be dead another day just as much as you lived. you know?????
me: ............
yea.............................................................. .....................................................................
that doesnt really put me in a celebratory mood either though.
happypills: -_-;;;
- happypills
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miracle
when i think of miracles,
i think of like.... elijah being taken to heaven in a fire chariot, the other elijah battling the baals, Jesus walking on water or turning water to wine.
you know???
Like. somethinggg FANCY. like, oh yea. that is like.... UNBELIEVABLE. type of miracle....
and i'm like. man.
i need that in my life.
.
.
THEN, im humbled. because when i think of the GREATEST miracles, like the GREATEST OF ALL TIME. it's NOT the red sea being parted,
or the sun moving back, or
manna from the morning dew....
its:
the virgin birth and ressurection of God incarnate.
.
the IRONY...
because many people will waive all those FANCCCY miracles as like, "oh, that didnt happen" type of response.
its just a story. a metaphor. a symbol.
BUT when it comes to the virgin birth and resurrection, it's always some sort of justified response. LIKE.
"oh, um.... like duhhh. Mary got knocked up." or "oh, um.... people just made Jesus' resurrection up."
you know what i mean???
like the other miracles. are like WOOWWWW. noooHHH WAY.
Buttttt.... the MOST IMPORTANT miracle -- God condescending into human form and defeating death -- is met with not only doubt,
but also with our own stories of how it actually happened.
we not only doubt, but we lie over it.
.
and I THINK. DANGGGGG....
..... that's pretty humbling.
....
God..... YOUR God... willingly came into this world where he was already met with doubt.... and lies
like... the other religious gods.... its either a human ascending to a 'god' by their own strength or inner realization, or a god coming to earth and raping women to give breed to half gods (and then going back to fight other gods, and even fight against their own creators), a god that teaches one to take matters into their own hand, a god that exhibits this... worldly authority...
but the Gospel.
God comes into a world met with doubt and lies of Him. and he still dies for us, and conquers death.
like....... YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN???
...
i often think, 'if God is REAL, then why doesn't he reveal Himself to me'???
(sure, i know that's why Jesus came, but i mean like God being here right now, this instant, by my side, , so that there is no 'factual' doubt he is real...)
why go through the complicated route of being met with doubt and lies???
like, why not just come by parting the clouds and peekaboo, and say, 'hey all. im real. im here. here's the evidence.'
he just.... doesn't do it that way............ but the real question is why???
.. people always asks for evidence for God. that there is no evidence. and. if there was. then they'll believe.
.
.
but... the greatest miracle, the virgin birth and His resurrection: helps me understand what faith is. helps me understand, what it takes to know God, rather than being presented with Him on my own terms... to know and accept grace. and live by it, by the mercy of God. to have a relationship with Him.
.
and... that's deeper than any evidence, because the evidence is existent between the bond of the relationship itself -- and it is intimately known between those involved...
.
.
--------------------
a miracle.
i always thought that a miracle would be God came here, by myside. and revealed his full glory. where i can say, like Moses, YEA, I saw Him (and have my face glow for a bit).
BUT..... frankly, i dont think my body can even handle it. proably shit in my pants.
... LOL.
ANYWAAYS, what would i do with the other miracles anyways?
split the red sea, when i can take a ship? or even a plane?? not die... but be taken up in a BURNING fire chariot???? no thank you, id rather die in my bed please God... nice and warm, and snuggled..... (please, and thank you). and okay, the manna sounds pretty cool,... but i might be overhyping the taste in my mind...
YEA.
im realizing i already have the greatest miracle. and it bears faith eternal.
- happypills
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me: no, thats not an option.
happypills: quitting... is always an option.
me: no, i dont want to quit. i want to succeed.
happypills: but.. like...
me: no. whats wrong with you? huhh?
WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO DETER ME???!! when im going full force. and OWNING my shit. you know??? im sorry im not a little, excuse my language, but a little bitch, and just quits on things when things get hard, and difficult, and sick, and gets you to breakdown, and...
happypills: BUT LIKE..
me: NO......
.
.
*as im smoking; takes a long drag breathes out, with voice craking
im no quitter. im superstar.
happypils: -_-;;
- happypills
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me: how do i NOT be sad
all the time.
happypills: uuummmmmm..... what is SED????
me: ............................ oh,... so youre saying i should be stupid all the time?
happypills: okay. okay, you pillhole. saying facetious shit like that is what makes you sad all the time.
me: facetious?? wow\\ one might say that YOU are what is facetious to an important societal dialogue of mental health.
its... its criminal. the public doesnt agree.
happypills: PWUH,.... my face is.... THE front cover of mental health.... .... and i look pilling good on it too.
me: lololol xD
- happypills
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i know what people are like,
but individuals are much more complicated.
- happypills
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happypills: its not easy being me
me: -_-; its not easy being with you.
happypills: ... THAT TOO..... if it was easy, everyone would be doing it.
me: -_-....
- happypills
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been about 10
years since i have known i am broken.
been about 10 years since i have known i am a sinner.
but the problem isnt as much as i am broken, as actualizing that eternal blood has already been spilt for my perpetuating sins.
---
me: what have i done these past ten years... ...?
happypills: ummm,. is that even a question??!!!?
GO ON AWESOME ADVENTURES WITH ME.
me: .... you see, thats the problem.
happypills: ohhh jeeez. you think EVERYTHING is a problem.
me: yea, with you around me, thats not much hard to surmise...
happypills: you see thats the problem. talking like a douchebag wont get you any friends.
me: yea, well, calling someone "like a douchebag" is very unfeminist. its unbecoming.
happypills: .PWUhhH... i .... i dont understand how that is unfeminist.
me: you seeeee this is the problem. us doing this. more of these...... so called adventures........of... nonsensical.... dialogue.... ..... . *restraining tears
.... AND 10 years. A decade. a BIG roman numeral X.
ten years.
thats like.... longer than how long the show LOST ran for.
like.
we just... just
you,,,,, came. into my life.
and kinda,... .. fucked it all up.
happypills: OH BOI. Ohhhh hohoho boi. here we go againnnn. its alwaysss mmyyyy fault.
me: yeaaaa. really. it is. at least before i was a societal robot that got shit done.
noww... im just. i dont know.... you gave me the red-pill, and i see stuff. and this world just seems like.... BLEH.
happypills: nonono. i never gave you the red-pill. Morpheus would never approve.
me: -_-; shut up.
happypills: OH, so, ten years of devoting my time to you.... you think that was a waste?
me: no,.... i didnt say a waste... i just mean. like....
what have we done these past ten years???
happypills: FOR ONE. we did a hellllaa lot more than what the people in Lost did.
we have been. ... *starts chuckling
OHOhhoooo weee havee been to waaayyy stranger islands my friend....
me: ....... .... ,,,, i dont.......... understand
why God couldnt have sent me like...... a talking vitamin....
happypills: woww... WOW. that.... THat... that crosses the line.....
AND BESIDES. there was that one talking gummy bear vitamin that... just came.. barging in,... like, that one time we were playing pool.
he kept saying how hawt the blue gummy whale was......
me: ... HUHH.. oh yeaaaaaaa. .. . ..
yeaa. he was weird.
happypills: SEE.
me: okok. fine. then tell me. what you think we have done these past ten years.
happypills: AS I WAS SAYINGG.... FOR TWO.
you came to know thyself.
me: wow. .... ... Wow. i was hoping for something more like....
I DUNNO. get a phd. or become an executive. or buy a house.... .... over the PAST 10 YEARS.
and what. you say. i came to know myself?????>???????????????????????????????
the fuck....
happypills: ..... AND THREEEEEEE....
me: ... yea idonteven want to know...
happpyills: AHEEMMMMMMMMM<<< HEM. hem.
hem.
AND THREE. ..
be saved.
over, and over, and over again.
me: ...................i....................
i dunno. kind of seems like a half assed answer.... and you know what???? i actually still kinda feel like im drowning.
happypills: PWuh.
what is ten years when you might die tomorrow???
me: dont talk to me about dying.... ...you of all people know how often that is on my mind...
happypills: ohhh.... and, ... AND FOUR: we have been to
the Edge of the Universe. out ran the Pillsian Order. seen the Black Pyramid. been to Fractal Clouds.
i mean.... i mean. LIKE??????
been to the EDGE...... *motions mindblown.
and like...
GET A PHD vs go to Fractal Clouds??? * motions with both arms up and down, as to compare the two
me: ................................................................................ .......................................................
. okay. NGL. Fractal Clouds was awesome.
but shit, nonono.
i mean like....... okay. i wouldnt say im more proud of going to Fractal Clouds than compared to getting married and raising a kid......
over the past 10 years.
you KNOW???????
happypills: ..... ................. ... ... yea, well, as i was saying, what does that matter when you might die tomorrow.
me: OOOohhhh MY GAAAAAAWWWWWWWD. why am i even listening to you.
you were.... exPILLed from your own Order.
what was your title that they had for you again???? oh yea,
Bastard of Infeenidi...
happypills: *GASPPP ............. how.... how could you even BRING THAT UP? UGH. you PILLHOLE. crosssinG alooTT of LINES TODAY.
YOU WANNA THROW DOWN???
I DONT TALK ABOUT HOW YOUR TITLE IS "UNEXCEPTIONAL -- LONER LOSER" AND HAVE DONE NOTHING BUT JERK OFF ........
THE PAST 10 YEARS.
me: ............................................................................... okay. to be fair, i do not accept any formal delegations, or titles, or commands -- what have you -- set by the Order as ... an authority to what actually is.... i believe they were the one that arbitrarily gave me that title??? right???
..
but ahem. * mumbles fair point on the jerking off part.
happypills: -_-;;;;;;;
me: ................................................ *SIGHS
.................................... 10 year bro..............................
........................... *SIGHS
happypills: WELL.........
..... i think, when you live today as your last day, every day. for the past 10 years.
...
then every single day of those past 10 years...
is simply amazing.
considering.. we have been to
the Edge of the Universe. out ran the Pillsian Order. seen the Black Pyramid. been to Fractal Clouds.
and........... ............. are still alive. and not...... expired....
.
thats.
.
i think thats an awesome 10 years of coming to terms with death and living another day. after such 10 years.
. and beyond...
... until you one day dipthepilloutta here...
.... YOU KNOW?
me: .....................
yea.... iknnow.
happypills: and who knows? maybe one day, ill also expire as well... ......... and you could stop blaming me for all your problems....
me: -_-;;;;
oh jeez. dontsaythat............
.....................
... ill be blaming you even after youre long gone.
happypills: UGH....... i hate you. i pilling hate you. Chemistry curse you! PILL YOU.
me: lol.
- happypills
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me: i thought id be happy
or at least happier than i was.
its not like i dont know that happiness is fleeting -- maybe even illusory.
its like, youre at point A, and you want to get to point B; point B will make you happy. but then when you reach point B, you just push off your next set of happiness to point C, and so on.
i mean... i already knew this...
i... know this.
and yet. here i am... ...
happypills: jeeeeezzohweez. show a little gratitude. seems like just yesterday about you bitching about not getting what you have today.
me: wellllll, technically... i dont have it yet. it was just an offer; the pay wont hit until next pay period. sooo...
happypills: -_-... *sarcastically OH, so maybe your point C is two weeks from now... hopeyoudontdieinthenexttwowweeks.
me: BLEHH, thats what im sayyingggg. its just.
it teases with me. and then when im there.... i tell myself something else, or the next thing, will make things more happy.... you know? and... now. imjusttired. ....
so tired.
happypills: yea ... i. .. i was being sarcastic.
me: well, then fuxx you. thats NOT encouraging at all.
happypills: i think... my presence... here with you... just showsssss how... you, quite literally, have happiness... bottled up, all UP Heeyaaa. *points to feet and head just be thankful for the things you do have brrrrroooooh.
me: .... uugghhh NOooooh. i kept you to remind myself how ... .....asinine happiness is... how ridiculous.... you are. how... im just delusional... to think that i could ever be happy...
happypills: -_-;;; okay now youre just being hurtful. happiness is in my blood yo.....
me: lol.
happypills: NO, SERIOUSLY. whether if its because of my chemistry. or mayyybee. MAIBEH.....
even my destiny.
DOT. DOT. DOT.
i am, happiness.
always.
its my nattureeeeee.
me: yea................................................................................................... this is exactly the kind of delusions im talking about...
dot, dot, dot. WTF.... who the hell does that???
happypills: *SCOFFS PWUH, why,... how..... like... why???? would you even doubt me??? just because YOU arent happy, DOESNT MEAN I AM TOO.
VAIN MUCH????
you know what? thats actually a good point. maybe you arent happy because of how selfish you are. you subjectify happiness as a reflection of your desires, but maybe thats the issue.
me: well,,... .YEA. no shix i subjectify happiness around my desires.... like NO SHIX. how the fuxx would you define happiness mr happypills.
happypills: ah NNOOhhhhHH.
what i mean is that... you, people, humans. YOU set scales to happiness. measurements. metrics.
going from point A to B to C. scheming to increase your current level of what is 'happy'-- seeking to be happier, to your current disposition. trying to control the derivatives and its inflection points; working toward events that trigger happiness or staying away from those that cause distress. desiring what you dont have.
its all just... numbers.
and i dont mean just with money. its just any variable: with someone, something, some place, some time.. just some quantities - of chemistry and the physics of this world - formulating some… finite thing..
… that you are trying to fit into an infinite soul…. …..
BU T thats the thing. with numbers...
the whole notion of happiness falls apart. ... since .. happiness is subjective. you know???
like, what is a number, but something to be greater and always less at the same time.
so yea, it makes sense to think happiness doesnt exist in those terms.
but as happypills... on authority of all happiness ... ....
me: ... wait... wait.. i dont think... id bank the authority of happiness, especially all happiness, to happypil.......
happypills: AHEMMMMMM... as I WAS SAYING.
as happypills, i sayeth that happiness is not the point...
.... ....
..
me: well,......... then what is the point???...... ...... how do i .... how can i stop feeling so miserable?.........
happypills: ...........i ummmmm.... i already told you.
show a little pilling gratitude. and you will find joy eternal.
me: …OHH OkAY. just like that huhhh? i mean, don’t mind that joy eternal is beyond what i am… in every capacity. in every conceivable way…
happypills: yupp. but you can still be with it — in all its divinity. it’s been done..
done so that happiness can last… amid all the burdens and toils of this world. it will endure.
…
so sayeth happypills, MwuHaahaa
me: -_-.. idk. i dont think you get happiness.
- happypills
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Stars
me: i am the problem -- for all the issues, pains, and sufferings that exist in my life. If there is a gravity, it is inert within me, drawing in the evils that i so desperately want to avoid.
i know that to be my nature, and so I blame myself... maybe even hate myself.
but the outcome feels the same.
the more i know of myself, i dont feel like myself. and then the more i know of others, whether if it is by my own projection or a recognition of the reflection of what this world is like..., i recognize that same loneliness in others.
but the stars.
"when i look at the stars, i see someone else. when i look at the stars, i feel like myself."
happypills: heyyyyyyyy, thats from Switchfoot.
me: i know. some songs are just legendary.
- happypills
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