dear-kk-secret-diary

[dear-kk-secret-diary]

5th Feb 2018

It’s worse now. Now you’re not even speaking to me. I was out with Joanna and the girls, and they’d suggested this Japanese hotplate restaurant. As we got seated and looked around, I saw you in the corner. I was shocked. It was like seeing a mirage. I smiled at you, but you just looked away and continued eating. I asked the waiter how often you came, and he said “Oh he? That guy comes very often!”

You left without a goodbye.

I woke up feeling empty and a little sad, as these dreams always make me feel, but I went back to sleep.

Now the girls and I were done eating. We were back in our studio, working on some presentation of sorts. It drove my mind away from the previous scene, but there was this constant sense of yearning and emptiness. We’d broken into groups and I was now working alone. I knew the girls would listen if I told them how I was feeling. But it was stupid. It was the same old thing over and over again. I couldn’t do this to them. It was a waste of time. I told them I was leaving and I began to pack my bag. Rain suddenly began pouring and walked in the rain, reveling in the fact that I was drenched and cold, alone in the rain. Loneliness was my friend.

I woke up again, missing you.

We’d gone back to the restaurant a few more times, but I never saw you there anymore. It hurt, and I wondered if the staff blamed me for possibly chasing away one of their regular customers. I wanted to see you again, even if we didn’t speak.

I woke up crying. My face was wet. Something was missing from my life and I desperately wanted it back.

PT.

[dear-kk-secret-diary]

I miss you.

I miss those nights in your super-single sized bed, as we snuggled to sleep.

I miss those mornings when I’d wake up to your personal rendition of a phone vibrating noisily on a wooden table (aka your nasal percussions).

I miss those nights when you would get annoyed with me, because I insisted on taking my stuffed bunny to bed with us, even though we’d barely had enough space.

I miss the taste of your soft lips on mine. The warmth as I lay my head gently on your chest and you put your arm around me. The huskiness of your voice as you said “Goodnight.”

And in the end, I realise it’s not these things that I miss. It’s you.

[dear-kk-secret-diary]

“My heart don’t understand, why I got you on my mind.”

- You, 2015. (Voicememo)

[dear-kk-secret-diary]

17 Jan 2018

I dreamt of you again last night. We’d run into each other along the street, and shared passing comments about our lives now. No deep, heartfelt conversations, but they affect me all the same. Even in a dream.

I woke up with that same empty feeling again.

Why?

[dear-kk-secret-diary]

“Paul, speak to me. Don’t sit there silent, I can’t stand it. Hit me. Hurt me. Do anything. But for pity’s sake Paul, speak to me.

- Gaslight (1944)

[dear-kk-secret-diary]

[dear-kk-secret-diary]

Nothing says “Move On!” quite like him going public about his new relationship, and then declaring that he will love her for the rest of his life.

[dear-kk-secret-diary]

[dear-kk-secret-diary]

17 December 2017

0128hrs

[dear-kk-secret-diary]

27 November 2017

“I miss you. But I also hate you.”

“Okay can. Good for you.”

[dear-kk-secret-diary]

24 Nov 2017

Please delete my number.

[dear-kk-secret-diary]

Coming out of the Silence

I remember the night it happened. We’d been drinking my favorite wine, chatting and snacking on those silly fillet strips.

He suggested we share the strips, half each. I shook my head, saying it was silly. They already came in individual strips. Why did we have to cut them up even more? He took one, split it in half with his hands. “Like that.”

The night went on, and we opened bottle after bottle. It was fun. We were both attached, but we hung out for meals and drinks. Like friends. That’s what friends do, right? Plus, he’d helped me out with my school work, so it kinda felt like I’d owed him.

.

.

.

Then it happened. He lifted me onto the bed and ran his hands up my thighs, under my dress. I woke up, drunk and slurring, begging him to stop. I asked him what his girlfriend would say. He said nothing and went on, pushing my hands away from their desperate clutch on my panties.

“You know you want this.”

I don’t. I DIDN’T. 

This is harder to write than I thought.

But honestly, what was worse than the incident was telling the man I love what had happened. It wouldn’t be the first time I’d slept with someone else, but this wasn’t sex. Irregardless, it would render him unable to trust me again. I was simply unable to take care of myself. And seeing the hurt in his eyes when I told him the truth. I’d hoped he would hold me and promise me he would be there for me. To never allow such a thing to happen again. But I should know better than to depend on someone else. He simply huffed and smirked “Lol you basically got raped.” It should have been clear to me that it was over.

[dear-kk-secret-diary]

I’d pushed the memories to the back of my mind. Because they hurt. But you brought them up from the dead and shoved them in my face. You told me I “asked for it”. I didn’t. I don’t know what hurt more. The memories of the incident or knowing you thought it was my fault I got raped.

[dear-kk-secret-diary]

Do they ever truly feel guilty for their actions? We can only wonder and hope

Today marks exactly two years since I was raped..

I wonder if when he woke up this morning, he realised it was December 30th and remembered what he did to me on this date exactly 730 days ago. 

I wonder if there was something that happened in his day that triggered his memory and forced him to be hit by a wave of guilt upon realising the significance of today.

Or maybe he didn’t realise the significance at all, maybe I never even cross his mind.

However, I hope he realises that what he did was wrong, I hope he feels guilty and ashamed and never hurts anyone else in the same way he hurt me. I hope karma has bitten him in the ass and he has learnt from his mistakes. 

[dear-kk-secret-diary]

[dear-kk-secret-diary]

I can’t believe you thought I was “asking for it”.

[dear-kk-secret-diary]

“I Love You” isn’t enough.

- Unknown