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I was wrong wrong wrong about him and he's not coming back and I've got to move on.
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But at the same time
"I agree and thanks and aight"
"no I don't want to meet you respectfully but blessings"
Forget you
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What broke me is the sense of betrayal I felt from God. Sounds crazy, right? But He knew what was in my heart and even though I kept praying and asking for His will to be done, I still got hurt, rejected, left. How can I trust love or God again?
And how was I not supposed to fall in love with you? You checked so many boxes without trying or realizing it, even boxes I didn't know existed. You believed I was beautiful, strong, worthy and so I learned to believe it too. How could I not love you? I felt taken care of and understood, accepted. Being with you brought a special joy and laughter, and spending time with you was never a burden. You were honest about my flaws, shared a lot of my same ideals, and supported and encouraged me to be a better person. Even though you never said it, I felt loved. And it was like every time we fell apart and came back together, we were closer and stronger and better than before. It truly seemed like you were always getting closer to accepting you shared the same feelings for me.
How could I not have hope, even despite the hardships? How could I not love you? How could I possibly walk away? How could it be so true and so deep for me and then have it been for nothing?
I no longer feel betrayed, and I'm trying to stop asking "why" and I'm coming to terms with keeping faith in God's intentions for me. I still miss your presence in my world. I'm hurt by you but I still love you and wish the very, very best for you. I hope you're doing well and at peace, mind body and soul. I'm doing my best, too.
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It's crazy that just like the times before when you and I were on the quits, i literally see your name everywhere. In this book I'm reading, in the song title of the playlist I chose for the store this morning. You're everywhere except with me, and I have no idea what your life is like. If you've found another job. And I'm still unsure what I'll do about being by myself when Conner moves out and rohat goes back home for the summer. I think of you when I see cars like mine on the road. I hope you're at peace. I genuinely hate that us being together was so toxic.
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Lord, please take away the hope that he'll come back
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Instead of making myself suffer, I can live and try to accomplish so many little things every day
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Every time I pick up my phone I hope to see you. My days are emptier without our laughter.
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Maybe I'm scared to let go even though it's clearly toxic on both sides bc I won't have anyone and idk how long it'll be before the right one comes along but I need to keep remembering that faith and waiting go hand in hand. I look at my sister, at Nathan, at misty, and I see how they could be praying for their person and that person may not arrive for a long time, if ever. That scares me. So do I cling because I love him or do I cling because I'm desperate? It's been feeling like I'm desperate.
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I'm sad and he's almost always on my mind but everything I could and have said to him is just so overdone, it's that cycle of unending bullshit and I see it for what it is and I still have a hard time stopping
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When will I stop expecting a message? Or thinking about him when I use those emojis? Even if he did come back, what would I do? I don't trust him. I have been discarded again and again and again and again. Why do I miss the person who used me? I pulled myself into a false sense of security. A false sense of love. What made us so desperate to hang on to each other?
I want someone who isn't afraid to love me.
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I love you and I miss you so much archie
I miss you and I feel the emptiness everyday.
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I don't want there to be any bitterness between us.
I've been thinking about things you've said and it's brought me to the conclusion that I am very problematic.
I am a gossip. I'm responsible for the drama at work and we both know how I was at Acura. I do it with my friends and between my friends and even to people I have no problems with at all, who have treated me very decently and with the utmost respect.
I do still have a victim mentality and I always have a million excuses and i let it affect my life. The fact is that I've been talking about exercising and changing since January, and April is almost over.
I do come at you. I'm passive aggressive and also just aggressive. There's a reason that everywhere I go, people tell me I'm argumentative.
I've come to the realization that this was never going to work. That it's been a cycle from the very beginning. We are in a relationship and we do act like a couple, but we are always going to be missing key ingredients and that's why we keep falling apart. I think the only reason we couldn't let go of each other is because of how we felt in our hearts about one another. Now we're both just tired and burned out and left with a bad taste in our mouths.
I am sorry I won't be there for your next stage in life and that you won't be in mine either. Like you've always said, I know you'll be rooting for me. I'll be rooting for you too.
I'm always going to miss you and I'm always hoping it's you when my phone dings.
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I don't miss you, but I've always got you on my mind.
You're figuring things out with your life. I'm glad I'm included in that. I've been figuring out stuff, too.
We want two different things and we'll never stop going in circles until we decide on one.
I'm prepared.
I really just want you to be happy. And I really want me to be happy too. I want you, all of you. I can't keep you as just a friend.
I'm prepared.
We both have to do what's best.
I love you. And I do miss you.
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