dearmethisisme

[dearmethisisme]

Day 384

Hey, love

How have you been?

I think I’m at my lowest right now. Emotionally and mentally, I’m not doing well. We just lost Cooky, and I’m still deep in grief. His last moments keep replaying in my mind. I can't shake the guilt, like maybe if I had taken better care of him, he might have lived longer. Maybe if I had played with him more, hugged him more, stayed by his side more often, he wouldn’t have died. I miss him so much. I wish he were still here. I know he would've taken all my worries away just by being near.

Things have also been rough financially. With all three of us siblings in college, the bills keep piling up. I'm sure my parents had to take out loans just to keep us going. That’s why I’ve been trying to find a part-time job online to at least help with the household expenses. But so far, no luck. I haven’t been hired by any of the places I applied to.

It’s been making me worry. What if I can’t find a job now? What if I can’t even get one in the future? How will I support my family? These thoughts keep circling in my head, and it's been so overwhelming.

I really hope you’re doing better than I am, with work, your family, everything.

Miss you. Always.

XO, D

[dearmethisisme]

Day 369

Hey, love

It's me again. I've been fighting the urge to message you. To be honest, I'm not doing well lately. I think I'm going through another midlife crisis.

Classes just ended. I actually did well in my first year of nursing school. Got recognized as an academic achiever. But somehow, I feel gloomy. Maybe because I feel like I'm falling behind my peers. I mean our friends are all living their lives—landing stable jobs, saving enough, and starting a family. Meanwhile, I'm reliving college. I can't help but feel pressured, especially financially. I haven't saved enough.

I am currently exploring new projects to pursue, mainly in content creation and selling digital products and preloved items. I honestly don't know if I'll succeed in this. I also want to start my own business or at least gain passive income. I don't know how to do it but I'm taking action regardless.

Anyway, I hope you're doing well, with work and all. I miss you, always.

XO, D

[dearmethisisme]

Day 289

Hey, love

It's me again. Currently going through another emotional breakdown.

I saw a pic of you and a friend today. It's good to know you're doing well. A part of me is honestly happy to see you happy, but a part of me is also scared to see you happy with someone else.

I feel like my insecurities are getting triggered again. I shouldn't even care anymore if you find someone else or become better and happier with someone else. I should be happy for you. But right now, thinking about it makes me sad.

I'll work on myself. I'll heal, but hopefully sooner. I'm tired of feeling this way every night.

XO, D

[dearmethisisme]

Day 286

Hey, love

It's been a while. I decided to write things on here since I have no one to talk to about my feelings ever since you were gone.

I haven't been doing well lately.

Academically, I am doing well, acing school stuff with minimal effort (though I doubt I'd be able to keep this up if I don't start putting in work).

Physically, I am a mess. I haven't been going to the gym. I haven't been making healthy food choices. I lost my gains and gained a lot of weight instead. Sleeping schedule is a mess as well. I usually go to bed in the wee hours; hence, the very visibly annoying dark circles I can't seem to get rid of. I've been trying to get myself together, though. I've been trying to commit to a fitness program but am struggling to keep it up.

Mentally, I am a very big mess. I guess I'm going through another midlife crisis, questioning my life choices, still wondering if I'm taking the right path or if this is another detour that I had to take to build me into a better person. I really don't know. I can't help but compare myself to our friends who are already doing well in life. I wish I had my life figured out earlier, maybe I'd be in the same track as them already. I also haven't gotten rid of my insecurities. I wish they'd go away.

At times like this, I do need you. You're the only person who can make me feel better. I miss you.

I sincerely hope you're doing better than I am.

XO, D