dearserenesoul - Tumblr blog

[dearserenesoul]

Walaupun setiap kali penat fikir pasal future career endeavour akan rasa cam..."ah nak jadi suri rumah je lah", i still want to work although kahwin dengan laki kaya-raya nak splurge me kat rumah pun. Cuz i want to do it for myself, for my own potentials & best place in the outside world. Fikir nak suami yang tak kisah if i work or not tu sebab nak ada tempat rehat & landing kalau kita rasa penat dengan career je. Like, biar kita boleh kejar our cita-cita tu sebab kita mahu, bukan kita perlu out of kesempitan hidup. Like, kalau tetiba kena pilih anak-anak over my own cita-cita & potentials, i have lelaki yang bertanggungjawab to take care of me & protect me & i can just focus on my priority kat anak-anak.

Even kalau takde anak lagi pun, i feel like nak kerja juga. Contoh paling dekat bestie lah. Masa dia struggle to adapt dengan her marriage, she realized how codependent she is & her life mostly about the marriage other than her thesis yang quite not in a good state too. Sama lah macam masa i was full time student & got involved romantically with someone. Dunia kita kecik. Kalau ada problem dengan dia je or bila bestie ada problem dengan her husband je, benda tu take up most of our mental & emotional state. But it's different bila kita ada benda lain kita kena cater. Sedih pun sedih lah. Grieve pun grieve lah. Tapi bila kena pergi kerja awal pagi, kita seret kaki juga. Bila kena focus hadap laptop kat office, kita stop nangis juga. Nak nangis pun, masa nak tidur je lah. Tapi tu pun dah tak selalu sebab kita exhausted giler dengan daily work life. Balik rumah collapse terus tak sempat nak nangis 🥹😂

[dearserenesoul]

Dah rekindle dengan bestie last Tuesday. But i was still hesitating so i sounded dry & replied to her pendek-pendek. She oso macam held back. So semalam i texted her again. Still rasa we both macam held back & still being careful.

But then bestie tetiba asked about my job. Kito nyo dah lama simpan sensorang tak sembang dengan sesiapa pasal my experience kerja. Takkan nak sembang ngan colleagues kot. Dengan diorang mesti lah dynamic lain, biar nampak kita function & into the works lol. Dengan sai pun jarang je, dia pun busy.

So when she asked, haih dah lah takyah held back. Blurt out je. She's your bestie, sayang. Nak merajuk lama mana lah sangat. 9 tahun dah kan sayang each other. Jangan sebab satu benda yang buat kita marah, kita lupa semua good things. Tak ada orang perfect dalam dunia ni. Even your bestie who gets you at soul level, akan ada friction juga 🥹💞

[dearserenesoul]

Tadi diorang pergi cerita benda-benda keras pula kat ikim. Kita yang asalnya tak tahu, jadi tahu. Adeh. But i usually kalau dengar benda-benda gini, akan remain kuat semangat je. Horror movies never scare me pun. Sebab selalu fikir, kita ni insan, khalifah, lagi mulia dari makhluk lain. Dia nak usik-usik kita, dia khalifah ke? Kalau kafir, lagi lah syaiton. Level tak sama, ma'am. Selalu fikir gitu je. Tapi jadi terngiang-ngiang pulak semua benda diorang cerita tadi. Adeh.

Usually kalau tetiba ada rasa lemah sangat & rasa bukan-bukan kat rumah sendiri, i will get angry. Hempas pintu ke, do anything aggressive to assert dominance lol. Tak pun macam cakap dalam hati like, ni rumah aku kot. Kau kenapa, sis? Gi cari rumah sendiri sana. Might as well kalau tetiba rasa bukan-bukan kat ikim i would just say, hello sis. I got bills to pay. So let me work peacefully. Kau roam free dekat bumi tak pikir life hardship, gi main jauh-jauh sana. Lol.

I once read a narration, zaman nabi pun bukan makhluk ni tak suka buat jumpscare. Sahabat kalau kena usik, diorang tak takut, diorang agressive. Diorang akan assert dominance. Physically. Pernah a makhluk buat jumpscare depan umar al-khattab, kena lempang dengan umar. Free free je dapat. Umar kot. So, belajar lah agama sehingga kita faham yang kita ni insan & khalifah even dalam this matter lol. Memang lah kita akan rasa seram sejuk. Tapi lawan lah. Assert balik dominance dekat diorang, jangan takut.

The thing is, i tetiba jadi tak courageous pulak. Jadi question diri sendiri. So kena intellectualize rasa seram sejuk ni balik. Lol.

[dearserenesoul]

I cannot be this sad anymore. I need my old self back. I've always cried. But never this sad. I don't want to be this sad anymore. I just want my old self back.

[dearserenesoul]

I know i need to let you go already. I cant be in denial, cant be hopeful anymore.

[dearserenesoul]

There are things that will remind me of you, and that very instance will reignite what i felt back then, all the mixed feelings but mostly love that i want to pour & longing.

[dearserenesoul]

Masa bagitahu abah im gonna masuk ikim, abah kata masuk je lah. But abah being abah yang dah panjat career ladder sampai the top of his jabatan, he said,

"Tapi kalau boleh apply yang lain, apply lah. Ikim tu kecik je. Dia tak circulate tempat lain. Jadi lecturer pun tak circulate."

Senang cerita, abah nak sangat anak-anak dia masuk kerja gomen yang circulate merata macam abah yang asyik kena pindah tempat kerja, end up kitorang pun pindah sekolah 😪 asalkan buka application ptd je, mesti suruh anak-anak minta. Kito nyo tak minat kerja ptd.

Now i know where i get my perfectionist tendency. Dari kecik, abah only reward me when i get to the top of the class. Selalu lah dapat reward masa dapat no.1 tapi bila tetiba no.2 je takde reward, sis 🥲 masa upsr & pmr & spm pun abah reward ikut bilangan A's. Lol. I know abah berniat baik, tapi i wont repeat that one particular rewarding system 😂

Tapi ada legit concern abah pasal circulation tu. Kerja tetap memang lah best. Tapi kalau tak circulate, boleh pishang duduk tempat sama je. And i know myself. Cepat rasa mundane, nak ada growth & change. So yeah. Maybe i will tolerate & change my principles juga. Relax lah sis. You're just starting. Jauh lagi perjalanan. Unless dapat suami kaya raya murah hati setia tak kisah pun i tak kerja & paling penting dia tetap setia & tak kedekut. Macam abah terhadap mama 🥰

[dearserenesoul]

Hari ni masuk meeting pusat syarak. First time in three months here. Haritu akademik punya. Lagi besar. But syarak is specific to my area of study. So i get to listen to what kind of research they usually do.

But i hate this feeling. This undeniable urge to question things in my head.

"Lepas buat semua research ni, then?" I thought to myself. Then repeat again & again.

Rasa macam, why kena buat semua ni? To what extent is the reach, is the impact?

I'm not questioning my superiors & bosses. I'm questioning myself. Diorang akan buka new post untuk pegawai gred 41. Gila ke tak nak kerja tetap ada better gaji. Tak duduk diam bila Dr Farid announced dalam meeting tadi. Like, ya Allahhh nakkk. Please make it my rizq. But it's gonna be an open post. Haih berebut lah. And i know my place. But i want it to be my rizq 🥺

It's okay, what's meant for you is already yours. What's not will never be 🥹

But yeah, idk why that thought crossed my mind. Rasa macam, entah. How to put it into words. As if I don't find meanings & purpose in it. More like for my sustenance, and at least it would be something I'm willing to hadap everyday.

I want to live better but my mind keeps on questioning things, their meanings & purposes.

The kind of shenanigan we pulled on the office floor when the guys went to solat jumaat 😂

. . . . .

This is Kak Wan. Such a sweet & soft soul. Masa mula-mula jumpa Kak Wan kat sini, kebetulan ada Dr Nik kat sebelah. She be like,

"Ini ke RA baru Dr Nik? Alahai comel je."

Dr Nik be like, "Kan? Comel kan?" 😏

Ishhh 🥹 Masa tu Kak Wan was staring at me macam adore giler 😂💖 usually i will rasa segan bila orang buat macam tu. But her stare was a soft stare, with a smile. Dia adore kita, kita rasa nak adore dia balik. Salam dia pun dia pegang tangan lama-lama 🥹🥰

Kak Wan wfh most of the time so jarang jumpa dia. Harini baru jumpa dalam meeting. So we had a photoshoot for the meeting. She stood next to me. Despite not being that close & tak banyak sembang pun lagi dengan Kak Wan, she remains the same macam memula jumpa. So soft with me, putting her hand around me masa photoshoot 🥹💖

I cannot tau orang lovey dovey touchy touchy ngan i (perempuan je lah). I'm so soft hearted kalau orang soft with me.

Kak Wan nak gi haji next month. Saje sembang tadi, "Nak kirim doa boleh?"

Kak Wan kata dulu dia gi umrah ada orang minta doakan jodoh. Dah kahwin dah dia sekarang. Maybe kalau kak wan yang so soft & kind to me make du'a for me, maybe lagi makbul 🥹🤲🏻💖

. . . . .

Well, not really. Kalau kita being in touch to the ground, our research will answer the problems of the community & particularly in religion itself. Apa benda yang kacau kefahaman Islam masyarakat kita sekarang? That one kita buat research or tulis paper or produce any work to provide answer.

Do that lah. InshaAllah, if it's your rizq & your proper place, do your best like that okay, sis.

. . . . .

When Dr Asham asked Dr Farid about the new post, Dr Farid said something like, ikim punya focus lebih kepada contemporary. Kalau more academic would be for universities & jakim. I nak gilerrrrr masuk jakim but susah. Quota untuk perempuan pun sikit compared to lelaki. Dulu masa abah masih kp, nak apply masuk jakim pun takleh. Kalau boleh apply pun, abah yang akan approve. Mana boleh nepo. So takleh apply terus. Now that dah boleh, i think macam already too late dah for me altho abah sendiri dulu mula kerja kat jakim masa 28 tahun. Entahlah. Mana-mana rezeki terbaik dari Allah je lah. Nak bercita-cita jadi suri rumah pun, takde suami lol.

. . . . .

Sometimes i have this thought that i deserve better. Tapi aku ni overestimate myself lah kot. Tapi kadang rasa tak layak sangat pun compared to other people. Tapi i know i want to do better so i deserve better. Itu lah. Mana boleh rasa entitled macam tu. Rezeki ni Allah punya. Kalau Allah nak bagi, bagi lah. Kalau tak, tak kira lah awak fikir awak deserve better ke, tak worthy ke, bukan rezeki awak juga.

[dearserenesoul]

Ya Allah, semoga shirin dapat kekosongan jawatan pegawai aqidah & perbandingan agama ya Allah 🤲🏻😭🙏🏻

Okay, kena solat hajat everyday sampai tarikh tutup.

[dearserenesoul]

Memang ada hari yang sangat slow. Bila orang kata kahwin tu ibadah yang panjang, ada turun naik sama macam ibadah lain, betul lah. Hari ni bangun before subuh pun i dont do tahajjud. Now dah 8.30 pagi pun rasa malas nak dhuha. Kita memang akan ada turun naik tu. Imagine the one yang tengah down tu partner kita, so the way dia show up pun lain. My anxious attachment self mesti tak duduk diam, takut disconnected. Dengan tuhan pun kita rasa disconnected sometimes, sis. I hope i will settle down with someone who understands this. Everything ebbs & flows. And masa we ebb, i hope he understands that doesn't mean we're not in us anymore. And we will revive us again when we can. Okay, jom dhuha.

[dearserenesoul]

Sometimes i would feel so tired to have to leave for work too early in the morning everyday to avoid getting stuck in traffic for too long, but then i would say subhanAllah everytime i see the sky changing colours and the sun peeking at the horizon throughout my way to work.

Sometimes, it's only by looking for Him in every small thing that makes it more bearable.

Just Him.

[dearserenesoul]

As much as time feels like moving too fast, sometimes it really does feel slow. It's only April & i only started to get much much better around the end of February & March. As much as one year still feels too recent, i'm so hopeful for the rest of this year, ya Allah.

Change everything for the better for me, ya Allah. Please guide me.

[dearserenesoul]

On this date, last year. Is one year too long of a time? Because it still feels recent to me. And nothing has really changed.

But wonderfully, i'm in a better place.

I hope, ya Allah, i hope that it only gets better & better. Ya Allah, please guide my every step, bless me with your rizq continuously.

Ya Allah, allow me to be happy. Allow me to feel enough. Allow me to live properly. Ya Allah, ya Hayy, ya Qayyum.

[dearserenesoul]

I want a lifetime permanent soul deep connection, ya Allah. The most intimate. With a husband.

[dearserenesoul]

Socialize sekadar socialize. Not much connections. Kenapa susah eh aku nak rasa connected to people? Then many encounters will only end up to be temporary unless we have certain common ground. Tapi once people get to touch my heart, you will get my softest version, my spontaneous playful side. Sometimes i myself dislike being an introvert, cuz it takes something deep & intense for me to feel connected. But at the same time i'm a relationship person. The irony, the living contradiction.

[dearserenesoul]

Feed our minds dengan benda tak baik, yang tak baik je lah yang kita fikir. Cuba husnuzhon kat Allah.

[dearserenesoul]

"Sebenarnya berapa umur shirin?"

"Aku anggap dia macam adik-adik je wei."

We were a group of 5 in the car, going to jamuan raya dekat an organization & i'm the oldest. But it looked like i'm the youngest. I'm not close with the other three so i mostly still maintained my shy & few-words demeanor. I was basically just being silent & literally breathing & observing around & sometimes i spaced out for a while lol.

Back then I would take it like a top tier compliment to be considered younger than my age. But i don't fancy it anymore. Although i understand that they don't mean it in a condescending and disrespectful manner.

I know Rai meant it in a manner that she would need to take care of me, check on me, and i really feel properly & gently held by her. But how i wish she doesn't have to. How i wish i don't look like a little girl that needs to be taken care of. But the truth is i really need a lot of guidance & companionship & to be held gently yet respectfully.

But sometimes i think i just carry myself by myself & not doing anything reckless & just y'know existing without really imposing my presence, yet how does that look like adik-adik? Like i'm just sitting & breathing & being silent; how is that adik-adik? 😪 No, at least just try to take me & perceive me as my age. But please take care of me too 🥹 y'know like...yeah.