dearsuizde - Tumblr blog

[dearsuizde]

Dear suicide,

You’re good at your job. Poetic yet ugly. I hope to see you soon so I can tell you to fuck off again. I love our silly games like that. Maybe will win one of these days.

[dearsuizde]

Dear Suicide,

You got me. Right as I get off the phone with mother and wish each other a goodnight and “I Love You.”

You got me.

Every fucking time.

The only person I would let down the most is my mother. That’s an unconditional love that cannot be broken except by you.

I dare you.

Try it, see what happens. You will get what you want. A funeral full of mourning people who never truly knew me. And the one that did would be the only one who would end up hating me the most. Spit on my grave- emotionally speaking- and end up internalizing and reliving every moment of their existence of how it could have come out differently. But alas, the chaos of it is what you crave. For them to feel as helpless and confused as you. For all that you are is a reflection of me.

[dearsuizde]

Dear suicide,

I’ve officially pushed away everyone I love. So easily I have turned everyone against me and have lead everyone to hate me. They say you can lead a horse to water but you cannot make it drink. How about drown it instead?

I’m depressed I know.

I eat my feelings I know.

I cut my pain I know.

But did you know I also destroy things, people, relationships’ that I love? Either by pushing them away or cutting myself off from them.

I feel nothing and everything. I just feel pain. I complain, I cry, I scream, I suffer, and I want no help even though I beg for it. I want to drown because I deserve nothing more; no less. I’m selfish, one-sided, off-the-wall, and unaware. It takes over me and before I know it I’ve returned to the ruins I have created for myself. Oh, what a fucking mess.

Depression is a selfish disease that has created some narcissistic complex in me that I wish would disappear.

Remedies are confusing and faulty. I have to open up more but I just end up scaring away every last person I’ve touched with knowledge of what goes on inside. A drowning thunderstorm that rumbles internally from my head to my toes and I don’t even notice it much anymore.

Functioning suicidal like a functioning alcoholic. Depression is my addiction and it suits me well. I ramble on about progress and progress only takes me deeper into a void of not knowing who I am. What I am. A thing inside a multitude of universes who has a destiny of what?? Killing oneself? How lackluster of a plot.

A fortunate girl who had a few flaws but nothing drastic ever happened to her. You say she doesn’t have a will to live? What a boring tale. What a selfish girl. What a stupid girl. Oh, and she’s intelligent enough to know she’s stupid but still nothing changes? Of course...

It’s an internal struggle of knowing you are the dog shit under your shoe but not having a place to scrape it off. Calling the hotline until it gets to a real person and then hanging up because you wish to just hang up on life.

There is no recovery for this addiction.

Because you know you’ll have to live the lie of “your fine” if you do. You’re never fine and that’s the comforting thing about it. Knowing you’ll never be okay and accepting that as your gospel.

I have nobody but me to rely on. Even then I know I’m not very reliable myself. I’ve reverted back to being a child, clueless of knowing how to take care of myself and just wishing to be loved. But I’m picky like a toddler and only want it one way. My way.

I wish it were different.

I wish I were different... but in a good way.

[dearsuizde]

if you take the muffler off your car or motorcycle… just… fuck you

[dearsuizde]

[dearsuizde]

[dearsuizde]

[dearsuizde]

[dearsuizde]

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* reblog or like if you ever felt like this*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

i just want you guys to know that idk how much longer i can do this. everything is bottling up and i cant seem to control it anymore. im sorry follow for relatbale original sad shit! message me if you need anything, im here for you all!

[dearsuizde]

[dearsuizde]

[dearsuizde]

[dearsuizde]

[dearsuizde]

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* reblog or like if you ever felt like this*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

follow for relatbale original sad shit! i feel like im already dead, i hate everything about myself!

[dearsuizde]

[dearsuizde]

If/When I start hurting you on a daily basis, leave me. Please just leave me.

[dearsuizde]

I made one of those Gru meme things