deartonyloveme - Tumblr blog

[deartonyloveme]

Why do things always change so much for us. Is this how it’s going to always be? Why do we get brought back together only to be sent spiraling apart so soon? I don’t understand us. I don’t understand you.

[deartonyloveme]

Dear Tony,

8/1/19

I can’t begin to explain how much it’s meant to me to reconnect with you the way we have. Even though I knew in my gut we weren’t over, I didn’t expect, and I didn’t know how - we’d ever get to a place of love and light again. And here we are. I love you so much. I want to tell you that over and over again every single day, but I can’t - not yet. I want you to know that the last night we spent together, everything finally clicked for me the way I hoped it one day would. Everything that happened between us.. I know now that you were trying to save me from the worst of you. I wish we hadn’t lost all that time we did, but if getting to a place where we can finally love eachother the right way meant losing what we had before, then I will rebuild every inch of our love, piece by piece, to make it to the end with you. 

[deartonyloveme]

Dear Tony, I hope you find what I could no longer give you.

[deartonyloveme]

I remember the rain.

I remember the rain, and how cold it felt against my skin, how much joy it brought me. As if raindrops carried emotions inside them. How every drop brought me an inch closer to you. I remember the smell of the air when I took your hand and the warmth that gravitated toward me as I walked side by side with the enigma that was you. I remember your embrace as it swallowed me whole, and the anguish of not knowing when, or even if, I'd see you again -- but the rush of knowing that I wanted to. I remember jumping into your arms and kissing you for the first time until I realized that I probably shouldn't have done that. I remember pushing you away when I realized I was falling in love with you. Telling you it was never going to work and we would end up hurt and I sat on my bed crying because Iwanted you, and this, to work out so badly. And for the first time for me, you didn't let me leave. You were patient. You were strong. You didn't push. You never wavered. I remember the excitement on the way to show you my favorite Christmas lights, ever. I remember the desperation of wanting to understand what was happening when they took you away and the despair Ifelt when I realized it. I called your phone 27 times that night. 

I remember the fear of the unknown that was incarceration but the feeling of certainty that it was now mine, as well as yours, to endure. I remember how relief spread through your face when I walked through those prison doors. "Ihaven't gone anywhere." You didn't think I was leaving now, did you? 

I remember the love. The love that kept me going. The love that filled me so profoundly and so uniquely. The love I had never felt before you, even when I thought I did. The love that was reserved for you, and only you. 

I remember the words that filled your letters. The words that danced with my soul in a way that meant that you knew exactly what chords to play. I remember actually dancing when we thought they weren't watching. And even when they were and let them yell, anyway. I rememberaccidentally asking you to marry me. And you accepting. 

I remember the nights I didn't sleep because of the silence. The minutes within the hours within the days that I felt like you were dead because you were just not here. "Do you even exist?" "Where are you?" I remember feeling like Idreamt you up and nothing about you was real. "Is he gone?" "Is he alive?" "Did they take him?" I remember -- almost -- losing my damn mind. 

I remember the first lie. How deeply it cut me. How much it shattered my security and shook our foundation. Iremember the ones that kept coming after that, even when you promised. I remember not being able to understand how my perfect, hazel-eyed boy had a dark side. "This isn't us, though, it's prison."

I remember sitting across from you and not knowing how Iwould tell you what I was about to say, but knowing Ineeded to say it. I remember knowing that in the next couple of minutes I would change us, forever. And I did. Iremember 3 days after that, when you called me to tell me you loved me, and everything was going to be okay. 

I remember you were coming home in a few months, finally. I remember the sparkle in your eye when we wrote our wedding guest list on paper plates. You sent me home with a long to-do list that day. I remember every last detail of our New Year's Eve wedding, and your tears every time Ishowed you a new addition. 

I remember October. Calling the assistant warden that morning to ask about bringing clothes to your EOS. It was 42 days before your release date when I was told you were not coming home that year. I remember the sound of the wood floor when I fell to my knees. What hadn't dawned on me in that moment - is that I would be the one to tell you.

[deartonyloveme]

Dear Tony,

We are now less than two months until you're home, and 1 day away from one year of knowing each other. We made it! I can see the end of this and the beginning of something so much more. I know so much more is waiting for us. I know you can breathe it just as much as I can taste the breath of fresh air. I can't wait to start our life together. Love, Me

[deartonyloveme]

And you do such a good job of meeting me at my mess.

[deartonyloveme]

These will be put to good use soon.

[deartonyloveme]

Dear Tony, Now that the cat's out of the bag! And the emotional journey of telling friends and family close to us is over, 3 months 'til he's home and FOUR til I get to start a life with my very best friend. See you at the banyan tree, @briteeyez360 💍💜 #YouHadMeAtGonzalez #YESitsreallyhappening Love, Me

[deartonyloveme]

Dear Tony,

August has truly been a time of learning in love. It’s almost been a year since I met you, and in that short amount of time you’ve taught me that love is not just a feeling, it is an action verb. It is what stays long after the attraction has worn off, it is the calm after a turbulent plane ride, when we know we’ve landed safely. It means knowing what brings us each to our darkest of places, and not using it as a weapon. It is choosing to stay, even amidst the darkness. It is knowing that no matter what happens, you and I are here, doing this thing, together, and that’s how it will always be, no matter who tells us differently. It’s understanding why things go wrong, and loving each other even when we don’t. It’s kind, it’s forgiving, it’s ever changing, ever growing and never fading.

Love is you, and you, are like coming home.

Love, Me

[deartonyloveme]

Dear Tony,

The love you give me is more than I can ever ask for. I've never experienced love this profound, this giving, this understanding, and this forgiving. I hope to give the same to you. Thank you for teaching me to love the way you love. I hope I get to keep you for one hundred lifetimes. Love, Me

[deartonyloveme]

Marriage Is... A commitment. Its success doesn't depend on feelings, circumstances, or moods ~ but on two people who are loyal to each other and the vows they took on their wedding day... Marriage Is... Hard work. It means chores, disagreements, misunderstandings, and times when you might not like each other very much. When you work at it together, it can be the greatest blessing in the world. A relationship where two people must listen, compromise, and respect. It's an arrangement that requires a multitude of decisions to be made together. Listening, respecting, and compromising go a long way toward keeping peace and harmony. Marriage Is... A union in which two people learn from their mistakes, accept each other's faults, and wilingly adjust behaviours that need to be changed. It's caring enough about each other to work through disappointing and hurtful times, and believing in the love that brought you together in the first place. Patience and forgiveness. It's being open and honest, thoughtful and kind. Marriage means talking things out, making necessary changes, and forgiving each other. It's unconditional love at its most understanding and vulnerable ~ love that supports, comforts, and is determined to triumph over every challenge and adversity. Marriage is a partnership of two unique people who bring out the very best in each other and who know that even though they are wonderful as individuals... they are even better together.

Barbara Cage

[deartonyloveme]

I fight with you about wanting to go back to the beginning; our beginning, I yell about us stopping the “getting to know each other” stage. “WE’RE DOOMED,” I say. You write me a list of 68 questions.

You win.

#whyiloveyou

[deartonyloveme]

I still see it.

[deartonyloveme]

Dear Tony,

I really don’t know what’s going on with us right now, but what I’m trying to remember is that none of this is you nor me. It’s prison. Prison tears people apart, and that’s what it’s doing to our relationship. Let’s not let it. Please.

Love, Me

[deartonyloveme]

Love is a decision, it is a judgment, it is a promise. If love were only a feeling, there would be no basis for the promise to love each other forever. A feeling comes and it may go. How can I judge that it will stay forever, when my act does not involve judgment and decision.

(via hplyrikz)

[deartonyloveme]

[deartonyloveme]

Dear Tony,

I don’t know how or when or why we started breaking, but I hope we can get through this. There is still no end to the love I have for you. This is what prison does to people. It tears them apart until there’s nothing left. We always said love is enough, but is it? I sure hope so. Love, Me