dearwidevoid

[dearwidevoid]

kennel

I'm a dog whining at your door given me a few scratches behind the ears talked to me in a high pitched voice my impulses are getting harder to ignore

I'll bring you my leash if you're willing to hold it in your palm I promise not to pull, I promise to stay calm

I'll walk by your side my tail already wags at the mention of your name maybe I should be the one to decide but if I lost you my life would never be the same

I'll follow you home if you call my name please call my name say that's what you want

or put me down

[dearwidevoid]

on your command

I don't know what I want but I need to bite the faded tattoo on your forearm

I don't know what I want but I need to place my lips to the mole on your neck

I don't know what I want but I need to press your soft figure up against a wall

I don't know what I want but I need to slip my hands under your shirt and onto your hips

I don't know what I want but I need to taste your tongue

I know exactly what I want

[dearwidevoid]

down the halls

mouth is dry breathing is slow throat is thick forehead aglow

so sick and tired of being sick and tired in the summer heat thinking of every mundane experience that would be so neat

thinking of quitting my job to spend more time with you thinking of quitting my job to spend more time with me

forgot my body was fighting against itself until it had to fight for itself

I should never forget that this for life lest there be more unnecessary strife

this was supposed to be my finale season now it feels more like a final season

[dearwidevoid]

3:00 PM

my hands on the steering wheel my navigator by my side as all things should be

my current favorite album playing over the speakers "I miss you, I miss you, I miss you in my arms"

your departure I tried stalling my heart began its aching longing

I wish I could invent something new sweet nothings to express how I feel about you something never spoken out loud by a soul before after listening to songs about wanting more

realizing that

I love you I want to hold you I want to come home to you

I do not have the ability to capture it more eloquently I am neither original, nor the first person to love

it's frustrating and it's vulnerable to want to impress you knowing you prefer me as I am it's beautiful and it's vulnerable to be part of a feeling true knowing I am part of a larger plan

[dearwidevoid]

peas hop together

The other day, I held your face between my hands, and your eyes wandered again. Earlier that same day, I inadvertently called us an unmarried couple, and Freud slipped in his grave.

Yesterday, you met me halfway across campus rather than waiting where you said you'd be. I spotted you first. You ran to me with open arms and we held on extra tight. Your absence had been a cast I wore on my arm all week. It seemed so present to me then, I almost asked those around me to sign it. I had sent you tiny updates throughout the days yet it wasn't enough. My lungs need air, my eyes need you in line of sight, my hands need a resting place.

You unsubtly tried to get your friend to leave us on our own. It filled me with unspeakable amusement. Wanting me in a room in which there are no others not being a tease I can quite yet utter.

We stood close enough that there was no space in between us for distractions. I ruffled and reparted your hair. For the first time since I've known you, I had to look away. I couldn't stand it. I wouldn't be able to hide the statement in my gaze. I wouldn't be able to deny the confirmation in yours.

Finding any excuse to share your space isn't a revelation, although these days I find that I am free to be less and less creative. What I once might have second guessed as invasion has quickly become second nature. Almost thoughtless, if my quickening pulse weren't intent on betrayal. Today you pressed me against your side on multiple ocassions. Handling you is one of my favorite pastimes. When your hands start reaching out to reciprocate, there will be no survivors.

You tried to make your friend jealous and I don't think that he cared in the way you had subconsciously hoped. How explicitly you made your point made me giddy. In slightly more words, you said you are mine. To keep and to hold?

Priority and unwavering attention from you. I am overcome by the impulse to run up a mountain and scream into the pillow of clouds at the peak.

As I made conversation with said friend, I found that he already knew about my job. It seems that most people in your life know mundane details about me, and it gives me a rush. I've tried to contain myself with those in my own life because I want to savor this freely, but I wonder if anyone has told you about yourself.

Once again I am writing when I should be doing anything else under the sun, but I want to document every moment of us.

[dearwidevoid]

my beloved

I love you when you walk to my car with a smile on your face I love you when we lean in to take up the same space

I love you when we lock eyes and share a secret I love you when the purpose wasn't to keep it

I love you when you bring your brothers around I love you when you all feel like a treasure that I found

I love you when you tell stories in exquisite detail I love you when I should look away and fail

I love you when you view me as a boy I love you when we act a little coy

Most of all, I love you when we say goodbye More and more, the words it belongs by

[dearwidevoid]

holding out

my heart beats stronger my breathing slows down you're my morning routine and my last waking thought

[dearwidevoid]

slow and steady

tell me, are you in a rush? I've a million things to discuss I thought of them all when my brain whispered your name when I was trying to find an excuse to talk to you that didn't feel too lame

five more minutes, five more minutes, five more, five more, five every goodbye these days I have to survive

[dearwidevoid]

en attendant

I really don't think that I imagined it today once, twice, thrice

the urge to be forward mixed with desire to relish in tension mixed with fear of scaring you away

mundane thoughts of you already distract from anything you are not involved in I hold back from sharing every detail of my life by updating you on every other detail instead

blue green hazel I had to force myself to process the words coming out of your mouth which is also distracting

even now I am writing when I should be working

I may be completely wrong but I think one day I'll kiss you

[dearwidevoid]

trusted navigator

You were distracted, so I took the visitor sticker from your hands and placed it on your chest. Before my hands moved to take my own, you did the same for me. A small gesture, a natural gesture. There you were.

As we learned about ceramics up against a wall, we leaned in to conspire. You half-stood behind me and it thrilled me that those on the tour were aware that we came together. You agreed that our guide sounded sarcastic when she let people pass through the hall, although she was actually quite sweet. We giggled at our secret observation.

We looked at gems and you shone just as brightly, lighting up as you told me more about your childhood.

I'll admit, I lost bits and pieces of what you were saying. Up close your eyes are a distracting blueish greenish blue. Whether a brief downcast of your eyes was imagined, a flutter squeezed my heart anew.

You hit a silly pose for a photo upon request, but shied away when I asked you to voice a bug.

You introduced me to one of your favorite lunch spots. You taught me how to hold one of your favorite fountain pens. You've quickly become one of my favorite persons.

In the backpack section of Sports Basement you told me all about their features. Even though my battery was crashing, I mustered up a shared enthusiasm from my seat.

Your brother called and I motioned you over. You put him on speaker to share. I listened in, simply asking to lean against your side for a while.

We tried on fitness earbuds and I pulled your hair out from under the wire and over the device, even though you couldn't see the back of your head and you took them off seconds later.

Everything you touch, I want to touch too. I want the same experiences and sensations to be able to talk about them with you. I want to brush against your skin as you hand over the object I made grab hands for. I want an excuse to step closer to you, even ear to ear.

I got back home and I couldn't stop staring at your smile next to the statue.

These days when you're not around, my mind drifts from the present and settles peacefully on you. We spend hours together, yet it only leaves me wanting more. My body feels your absence as if you were meant to be by my side at all times, as if you had already spent a lifetime there.

I'm grateful to see you on the path ahead. I'm fascinated by your excitement to be by my side. I'm elated to claim a tiny piece of you.

[dearwidevoid]

whole foods

I still speak of you kindly when your last act was not kind

I still think of you fondly when I don't know if I mean anything to you now

I am still amused by the mundane details of life when you are no longer here to laugh with me

I still think of you often when I wonder if I ever cross your mind

you're not everywhere as I thought you'd be yet you're persistent every season, every cycle, is tied to your memory I pause to think dozens of thoughts I would have shared with you

I observe the world as if you were still in it I'm happy that you are even if it's not with me

my chest aches sporadically no rhyme or reason to fear

absence is a concept so surreal

[dearwidevoid]

ten minutes

today you were ten minutes away each minute counted for a year

I still cannot find the words that I would want to say as if you were even around to hear

you never spoke to me again and it seemed so easy you crossed my mind again and it made me feel queasy

I don't understand what would change what would make your heart so cold I wish that this feeling would end what could haunt me even as I grow old

even after being offered a chance to redeem you didn't risk a moment to be seen

I wish I knew why I cannot force myself to cry

[dearwidevoid]

monday, december 9, 2024

9:42 am

There is joy everywhere for those with hearts to feel. A man waved goodbye and wished me a good day when he left the car body shop before me. The morning sun hit my face in just the right way as I drove home listening to my favorite songs. I asked my local donut shop worker's name after months of stopping by sporadically. She offered me a free donut and when I accepted she gave me two. I told her about the day earlier this year when I regained my ability to swallow and how excited I was to eat my breakfast sandwich there. I had the same sandwich right after. Later today I get to see my French class buddies and I know we'll have a giggle about something. Lately I've been feeling that I Belong on this earth. My love is mine all mine, no matter how the seasons change.

[dearwidevoid]

ten years

maybe this hurts more because ten years ago you ran into my life

maybe this hurts more because nine years ago we were laughing at nonsensical things, sharing music behind the football field

maybe this hurts more because seven years ago you took me to your favorite bookstore, tucked away in a corner near your house

maybe this hurts more because five years ago you called me crying on the phone, and a couple of nights later we sang our hearts out to escape

maybe this hurts more because four years ago I talked to you about every detail of my day

maybe this hurts more because three years ago we felt so close, for a fleeting moment I could almost press my lips to yours

maybe this hurts more because two years ago I was away and you learned not to need me

maybe this hurts more because last year we shared a bed and I thought I could have you back

maybe this hurts more because this year you ignored me for months on end, you said you would do better, and then you stopped

maybe this hurts the most because a decade of friendship was not enough to keep your care alive

and these days I need to be held close

[dearwidevoid]

domestic pressures

a string arrangement played late into the drive a song that clearly meant a lot to you you blurted out “everything I learn about you makes me fall more in love”

it slipped out of your mouth by accident from your thoughts in the backseat to my attention previously on the road

I don’t know if our friend in the passenger seat heard I don’t know how much they knew at the time

my heart froze and then it fluttered there was no acknowledgment louder than the silence that followed

I wish that I had the same courage to voice my feelings as they came to me

when hearing your laughter filled me with warmth when being its cause made my heart soar amongst the clouds

now I look at you from afar I don’t know how to get back in I don’t know if I even have the right

in my mind it’s always a fight of what’s wrong or what's right

[dearwidevoid]

the visitor

1/11/2024

Grief is my visitor. The kind that shows up unannounced.

At the silent feeling of being watched, I'll look up from flakes of cereal swimming in milk and we'll lock eyes across the fruit bowl. I'll take the stairs two at a time to ready a bed. Lest later that night there is someone else cocooned in my covers, resting on my lopsided pillow.

Sometimes grief will ring the doorbell first. I'll have the chance to push the kitchen curtains aside and peer at who stands before the front door. But I'll have to let it in, lest it searches for the spare key under the welcome mat and enters the house while I am in the shower.

When grief is my visitor, I am the most gracious host. I greet it by name, saying "Welcome back." I treat it with kindness, allowing it to be itself. I cannot ignore it, or it will become upset. It will grab the figurines on my dresser and launch them across the room. Anything for a morsel of attention. I've felt that type of desperation before. I almost admire it for being able to express itself in a way I haven't had courage to. We are at peace.

12/26/2024

I lied.

4/19/2025

When grief left my house, I crumbled under the weight of smiling for so long. Everyone around me saw that it was gone and there was nothing else to bring it back. And that's when it hurt the most.

[dearwidevoid]

it's been a minute

I wonder what you did today the mundane details that filled your day

with a few taps of a screen I could ask but nothing is ever as simple as a single task

I told myself I would no longer care and in reality I don't but memory finds an evening that is spare

if you never call me again you're just a thought an idea that can be so easily fought the older its existence the weaker its persistence

so there will be no new thoughts of you within me though history may beg to disagree

I will see you again but I will only think of you then