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death-breeds-wisdom · 3 months

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Hello this continues to be hilde this is my sideblog bc idk how to feel about this discussion being on my main blog. Not ashamed or anything, I just really really don't know what to think.

(Not against mutuals finding this, however I have some pretty active followers + what if the wrong people find this)

First off- you're one of the most interesting people I know and selfishly i want you to live so I could continue talking to you. Though as you've made it clear- your right to bodily autonomy extends to the right to kill yourself. I feel empathy for the shit that has happened in your life but I don't think pity is productive.

As for the whole morality thing- I don't think I've ever really cared. I've had the occasional "Yeah maybe I shouldn't read all these manhwas with kidnapping and non con and drugs" but then you came and made me realise that literally nothing in the world changes if the view count on a comic goes up by one. Also I know that all of those things are bad and I can recognise when the narrative romanticises them. So I can't see any real harm? Idk I still have some.mixed feelings more about how those things affect me (like I don't want to consume sth that ends up making me uncomfortable to the point I can't leave the feeling behind)(though I have stopped reading comics like that specifically bc they were all so predictable and just. Badly written.)

Also: cannot agree more on "good and bad is made up". You cannot categorise things as good or bad especially if they're complex concepts like murder or even the Internet. I really wish ppl would break out of the good/bad binary. Idk in the past year I've completely deconstructed my worldview and now I feel sort of not sane.

Idk I might have more thoughts on this later so.i might add those. Anyway thank you so much until the heat death of the universe for entertaining my silly little thoughts

You can answer when you feel like it or never at all but I was wondering abt sth and I'd be interested in your opinion

Do you think fucked up people are just like that or are they the results of their circumstances?

Bc like,, I had a relatively normal childhood, my parents are great and there isn't rlly anything thay has gone remarkably wrong in my life. I actually kind of have incredible luck now that I think about it, but for some reason I have been into torture and shit since I was at least 8 if not younger. My interests aren't as "depraved" as yours, however my favourite topic to think about is how miserable my blorbos are. I romanticise the shit out of struggle and pain and misery irl too. I'm just careful not to express it bc that's "unhealthy" or whatever. I remember playing with my barbies and almost everytime it ended including rape and torture and kidnapping. I'd be unfazed if that's what im into *now*, but as an 8yo? Idk man maybe this is actually common haha

Anyway pretty sure you've called yourself a freak and tbh (and don't take this the wrong way) you are one (like seriously. In the best way possible.) So do you think you're like that bc of your surroundings or childhood or whatever or because that's just who you are? Like would you be into corpses no matter what?

Anyway sorry for the rambling I'm kinda tired but I wanted to talk to someone abt it and you're a) super fun to talk to b) knowledgeable about taboo shit c) like the least judgemental person I know

Fuck I love answering questions- OKAY! Hm how should I format this..

I think this is basically the "nature vs nurture" right? Are you the way you are because of your dna or because of the way you were socialised? In short the answer to that I think is a mixture of both

I'll be objective from what I've witnessed first, then share some personal tidbits- then allow you to make your own conclusions if that's alright? I think that's the easiest say to go about it

Okay editing this later it got DARK so imma just..

There!! :33

Nature, I think this one is.. less so important, but also the most important? The way your parents are, the mental disorders and genetic ailments get passed down onto you, some people tend to get irrationally angry or sometimes deppressed even though they have a "good like"- you've heard it before yeah? Stories of people going from therapy to therapy appointment hoping to unlock some "secret memory" of why they are a certain way (also kinks are genetic so have fun with THAT information)

Then- nurture, also VERY important. Yada yada trauma fucks people up and the way you were brought up and well, life in general shapes YOU as a person

But let me bring up a chart real quick

The nature of this is the dysfunctional family, and the nurture is the different ways the children respond- this can be broadened into other aspects of life but I think this is one of the most well known

So the next question for all this is- why taboo topics? Why is morbid curiosity a thing? Darker kinks and fetishes? Torture and gore? Why and how

I'd say.. multiple reasons- actualy I'm sorta like you in the case of well- my freak shit didn't stem from trauma, like sure I HAVE trauma and that COULD be a part of it but. I remember always being like this really, I snuck books about torture and executions into my room at night and killed my pets out of morbid curiosity (I mean not the pets part anymore but I DO sometimes have.. thoughts)

A child watched 18+ films and stumbled onto gore sites and now is into guro, someone watched the love of their life killed infront of them and now can't stop fantasising about it over and over, someone deemed a 'sociopath' dissected animals in their youth and now does autopsies, a girl sexually abused by her father gets off to cnc and incest fantasies, a college guy has thoughts about suicide even though he's never experienced anything 'bad', I can go on and on and on.. but I think you understand lmao

People just.. are like that I guess? The PROBLEM that is unique to us is the distinction between good and bad, morality

Taboo = bad

And what IS taboo? Things they find disgusting, and what do they find disgusting? Things that are taboo

It's basically a puritanical cycle ?? I guess I'm technically misusing the word here since OBVIOUSLY rape and murder is bad yeah? That's not a 'purity culture thing' except.. it kinda is?

Animals don't care, insects don't care, plants don't care- is it a thing relating to intelligence or just humanity as a whole? Are MORALS nature or nurture?

(Ps. I'm not saying that those things aren't 'bad', I'm saying that good and bad as a concept is made up)

(Pss. Honestly just look at christianity as a whole- their ENTIRE religion is based off of that concept)

Now that the objective bit is out of the way let's talk about personal experiences because you also wanted to know about that

TW: FUCKING EVERYTHING UNDER THE SUN

This is more of a life story and how I felt about every event- its the only way I could really word it all so- enjoy!!

As a kid I was raised in a Catholic cult, they taught me purity and what is good and bad. I thought it was all bulshit

I went along with it anyway I mean- I didn't like getting yelled at

I thought church was.. stupid really- and by extention everything else; morality, tradition, hell even the people around me

(I fell down the stairs one day and wondered if I fell higher if I would have broken my leg?)

Another part of this was my father, he was like- a genuine actual psychopath?? Like a shame that it happened to me and all but the older I get I'm just like huh. I am really like him aren't I? (For even more context he heavily physically abused my family, sent his guys to rape and torture my mum wherever she messed up or disobeyed him, tried MULTIPLE TIMES to bury my mum and sister alive, killed my brother, killed my uncle/his brother, almost killed ME but instead just gave me permanent spinal damage, ect ect you get the point-)

(..I wanted my life to be worse)

I later discovered the internet, I made some.. older 'friends' and sent them pictures in exchange for validation and their time, one of them got hacked one day and I got sent a bunch of cartel and gore videos.. I loved them

I'm in primary school and I'm getting bullied- it escalated to older kids finding me out of school and beating me up- some cases include smashing my head into a pole, throwing me repeatedly down hills, stealing my shoes then smashing a bottle on the floor and making me walk over it, ripping my hair out leaving bald patches all over, hanging me by a skipping rope.. it was the only thing I was looking forward to in my dull boring life , I actively antagonised them

(I didn't want it to get better)

Highschool came and I fell in love, I followed her around everywhere and drew her In my notebooks and slaved away for her by giving her my food every lunch and carrying her bags and doing her school work, I was missing getting beat on a regular basis so I told her it was okay to hit me- all the people I ended up dating or being friends with hit me actually.. I wanted them all dead because I loved them so much and I couldn't.. think

(I started having stress seizures and I didn't know if it would kill me, I hoped it would)

I got a bit violent with a boy I knew and my mum ended up called in because I stabbed and hit him so many times in the back of the head that he had to get hospitalised, I was getting pulled out of school for some days because my mum wanted to know what was wrong with me and my physical heath got worse (yk probably because I was starving myself on the regular for my girl crush lmao)

(I was still chatting up older men on the internet- I never really stopped)

Eventually I settled on self mutilation, it looked pretty and it gave me something to do when I was homebound for two years, I also started drinking (at first for pain relief) and it somehow made me wanna live a little longer? Only to get worse that is

(I've given up by now, I wonder if I can reach bone if I tried hard enough?)

I make friends and they kill themselves, I've given up on trying to save them. Everyone is leaving and attachment is slowly killing me, I watch taboo content on the internet and avoid acting on it in real life. I hallucinate and make characters and put them though what I've been though, I romanticise and sexualise it all and I get told to kill myself. I sometimes wonder what it would be like if I was sold into sex trafficking, it would be worse I think (but didn't I want it to be worse?) I think I'll stay alive a little longer

(I'm already dead anyways, my body is not mine, she is dead and they killed her, I don't know when she died or if she was dead all along, that little girl doesn't exist, she was never free )

..extrapolate what you will from all of this mwah mwah beloved mutual oh fuck I ranted for a WHILE lmao- idk if I even actually answered any of your questions???? I just zoned out i think lol

Auhh and if your worried you've brought up bad memories or whatever I could literally give less of a shit- it's like- not ME that it happened to yk? Honestly it's kinda interesting to think about :3

Welp! Come to your own conclusions but if you want MY input? I'd say that people just be like that and sure it's "bad" but who is defining bad? When someone tells you that your interests are weird or creepy- why? Who is creating these laws around morality? ..should you even care if that's the case?

You can do what you want forever 👍

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