deathomatic

[deathomatic]

skill issue

[deathomatic]

I have some friends that have lived close by for several years now, and their neighbor across the street is an elderly man I met in 2019 or so because he liked the busted up 1972 Dodge Dart I’ve stubbornly refused to let die for the last fifteen years. We would mostly just wave at each other across the street when I was over there a lot, which at the time was a difficult period for me marked by excessive drinking and self harm. My friends were gracious enough to open their home to me when I couldn’t stand to be in my own, and although they don’t like talking about it, they saved my life.

I remember standing in the middle of the street some evening in 2020 when he told me he’d lost his wife to Covid. At the time, standing in the middle of the street was about the only halfway safe way to be close to a person. He said it almost like he was confused. I told him I was sorry, because what else do you say?

It has been five years since that interaction, and I realize now as I’m sitting on the porch at that same house and watching him sit on the bench outside his garage, that was the last time I ever spoke to him. I don’t know if he’d even recognize me anymore. I don’t think I look the same

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oh that’s gore. that’s gore of my comfort beer

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they say that there’s more to life than slamming ass and driving fast cars. well I don’t want more. I’m drowning in ass and fast cars as it is

[deathomatic]

in 2010 miller lite unveiled the VORTEX bottle, designed explicitly to rocket beer into your stomach so quickly and so violently that by the time your friends realized they needed to take your car keys you were already doing 140 MPH towards a closed taco bell drive thru in your Kia spectra. this is an invention with lethality implications on par with the machine gun and I never got to try it because I was born in 2005

[deathomatic]

BOSS: Alright boys, one of our ranch horses has gone wild and I need one of you to go down there and deal with it

ME: (slowly unholstering my absurdly big revolver that has “Horse Judger” engraved on the barrel)

BOSS: Not him

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I’m not a bad person. yes I did create an eleven hour hostage situation at my local movie theater when they refused to give me their Stuber movie poster from the lobby but I don’t think that passion deserves condemnation

[deathomatic]

nobody in this room is more like David Lee Roth than I am. Nobody in this room is acting more like a motel lounge singer that got kicked in the head by a horse

[deathomatic]

the biggest change in my life since I started making more money is I’m taking my girlfriend out to eat even if she doesn’t really feel like it because it feels like I’ve developed a fucking superpower where I can make a huge platter of tacos appear without it giving me anxiety. She’s like “I’m actually not really hungry” and I say “You will be. When you see the feats I am now capable of” and then I buy her so many dollar oysters it does permanent damage to the environment

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[deathomatic]

my mouth tastes bad because I didn’t floss today. And I want to floss. I need to floss. But I only slept like four hours last night because we stayed up around a bonfire and then watched an extremely long, extremely *bad* episode of Walker, Texas Ranger. Not that there’s a good episode of that show, mind you. It’s some astoundingly bad television. Chuck Norris obviously has a very high opinion of himself. but I need to floss. I gotta get out of bed and floss. It’s Saturday night, baby. Prime to get one’s floss on.

[deathomatic]

here’s the deal I like animals I respect animals I appreciate them - But when a domesticated animal tries to steal my food I become a different person. They have their own food in a big beautiful tub that’s just for them and it’s expensive as all hell. And it’s nutritionally balanced to meet their disgusting needs. It’s for them to have. if I keeled over and died while I was about to take a bite of a big eleven dollar sandwich and St. Peter was like “alright here’s the score - I can let you into heaven right now (race cars and HJs for eternity) or you can go back as a ghost for closure and forever walk the earth but you’ll never be allowed to see the kingdom of god” I would INSTANTLY pick ghost so I could go back to earth and make sure the dog didn’t take my sandwich