dechloephn - Tumblr blog

[dechloephn]

Adults are lonely. You cannot just run to your mom, and cry your heart out like a child. I really wish I could have somebody who is willing to embrace all my sadness, try to be on my side, and give me a shoulder to cry on. I’ve always avoided my childhood trauma, and run away from all the people that gave me flashbacks. I can’t anymore. I’m too damaged to move on, or at least ignore my PTSD. I need to learn how to love myself. I’ve grown so much in the past 2 years. I know who I am and what I want to achieve. I can put down things that might be a barrier to my success. I just can’t love myself.

[dechloephn]

Can you get depressed for no reason?

I have pushed myself through this hard time when I lost all my friends, had huge trust issues on people and reinvented myself. Putting myself outside of my comfort zone is tough and the feeling of being exposed is unpleasant. I have gone through ups and downs, getting myself involved in all the levels of exposure when it comes to professional development and COVID mentally and physically. Never have I realized that I got depression.

Rejection is harsh. I can’t stop myself from thinking I am worthless, and that I compare myself to others, wishing I have the privilege they have had. I have big dreams and the huge urge of reaching my goals. Worrying about what my next steps are if I get rejected from that opportunity is killing me.

I realized I need a break from making connections with professionals. I made a promise to myself that I make no friends but professional network. Friends are not such things to me. I am afraid of socializing and getting nervous easily when people are around. The reason is probably bc of the lockdown. It makes people afraid of the current pandemic and somehow it affects our mental health. 2020 was a big change for me and for everyone. Even though you are proactive and adaptive, you still get frustrated and unsure about the future (or even worse: your life).

Perspectives about love:

I don’t believe in true love, and that your man loves you unconditionally and he won’t change. I am too afraid of being open up to anyone. I will get hurt. I am too fragile. That feeling is annoying when you realized you like someone and stop yourself from having feelings for them. You hate yourself for being selfish and cowardly.

[dechloephn]

I have been walking on a rope, constantly feeling anxious and burnout. It was like a nightmare waking up everyday and going to work. I have always told myself that it’s a time for me to be stronger and tougher. I feel like i am on the edge of the cliff and just one more bad thing happened can push me down to the water. I’ve pushed people away and wanted them to get back to me. I gotta learn to be by myself, heal myself by myself and learn how to love myself again by myself. I realized that people are actually nosy when they ask you about your life. They don’t really care about you. I need to learn to stop complaining about my life to other people. They don’t want to hear such things. They want funny things that can crack them up or they want dramas. I definitely never bring dramas. It is so unfair when I’m not the one that is curious about people’s lives but got all the eyes from those people at work on. I started ignoring them and living my moments. I know it is super hard atm, but I am trying and trying everyday till the day I can’t anymore; I won’t regret.

I hope I will find what the meaning of life is. I am walking forward but so lost and frustrated. I cannot rest bc there is no time for me. I hope I can find happiness again? Be positive or at least try to be positive! I believe that things will get better in anyway that we have never expected.

[dechloephn]

GOAL 2: getting a job at school

Pros: have a chance to meet new people and learn things from them; have close connection with them so that it’s more informative about getting a permanent job in the future. Cons: STRESS!!!!

How to get a job: - volunteering - keep building and updating the resume

this one is hella hard but i will try my best

[dechloephn]

GOAL 1: be a barista at Starbucks!

I put my goal in here, to remind myself that i always need to keep working on myself, improve on every single day to achieve my goal. Pros: - getting to know more people, enlarge my connection, learn new things,  Cons: karens, english => cannot communicate with the team and customers, cannot hear what they order at drive thru

I’ll be updating the process here.

having goals help me to concentrate on working on myself and not other people.

[dechloephn]

I WAS GHOSTED

I had been in a really serious depression due to covid, lockdown, and sexual harassment at my shelter since March.  My ex caught up with me again at the stage of my post break-up. I was done working on myself to get over a relationship. I talked to him again. Things had never changed at all. We had been talking for hours about our lives and our plans in the quarantine. He decided to meet me at my place. I agreed because why not. I also introduced him to my roommates. Deep down, i knew that we were lonely in this lockdown and it is good to make new friends. I honestly did not have any feelings for him anymore and so did he. Later on, he has been so clingy to that girl which makes me a bit jealous. I did not know what happened with me and my unstable emotions. I knew that they were friends but i just felt that he or that girl had a crush on each other. They were gamers so apparently they had been playing games with each other days and nights. I think i felt left out more than getting jealous.  I was hurt a lot just thinking about the scenario of them being together. It totally did not make sense because he is my ex and i live under the same roof with that girl. It would be so awkward if that was the case.  He kept telling me that i was overthinking and there was nothing between them. He wanted to be close to girls but he did not want to be in the relationship with them. That is how boys are. He was so selfish to just think about himself and what he desired.  The more I get hurt, felt left out, jealous and so much depression going on in my inner self, the more I acted weird in front of them. I told them to hang with each other but i wanted them to do otherwise. It was so tiring back then. It was even worse to keep asking him to come over so that three of us could hang out. I want to hang out with him but he only wanted to show up if it was three of us all together. It was like, you wanted to see him but you stabbed yourself when seeing him hanging out with the other girl too.  I was in a vicious circle, acknowledging that he is just not my soulmate, that we will split up no matter what in the future bc he never had feeling for me. I was in that shit again, leaning myself on him, being so weak, depressed and overthinking. All the time i had been working on myself, taking care of my mental and physical self was gone.  I tried so much for him once again; i started playing games with him bc i did not want him to play with that girl. I learned cooking, became the one that he expected. All he said was he started liking me but we were over and there was nothing he could do. He just never tried for us and for me. I realized the time i worked on to get over him is to just accept the fact that he left me and moved on. However, at this stage, i totally realized that he is a douchebag. I know my worth and i deserve better. My life is not committed with a guy who has never thought of me.

I finally decided to reach out and make friends or a new partner bc i’m ready. Kevin was super understanding. idk if he tried to be the one like that in front of me. I felt like he was super insecure and scared to be in a commitment. It was fun talking to him. He helped me distract my messy life and look at different aspects. I have been more positive and productive. It was just one problem. I was not myself whenever i texted him. I tried to impress him and starting liking him. I think i pictured him as a perfect guy everyday in my mind. i tried to think about him to forget about my ex. It was a mess. He did not like me of course. We did not have any real interactions and texting is sometimes annoying. I’ve gone too far and i was so disappointed when i heard he hit other girls at work. It is normal for anyone that is not in a relationship. They are getting to know people. Thats parts of life. I decided to disconnect him, isolate myself. I wanted to be fully healed by myself. It was so unhealthy to reconnect with my ex and use Kevin to get over my ex. I forced myself to liking him to get over my ex.  For the time being, I did not have feelings for my ex anymore and i forsure i wont for good. At the same time, Kevin ghosted me after i ghosted him a week ago. Let’s start everything again by myself, discovering newthings, improving myself, and learning to love myself again. 

[dechloephn]

Dear Chloe,

You are wonderful and charming. You deserve being loved and happiness. I know life is tough but the only way out is through. I believe you can do it. Because I know you are strong and reckless, nothing can stop you from being who you are, living your normal life, being positive and determined.

Love you,

[dechloephn]

hey

I am sad

i need time to heal

i fixed the problem with my friend

i feel so relieved

I have everything and everyone around is willing to help me out

i dont need no one to hurt me anymore

what i need now is time..

[dechloephn]

heyyyyy believe it or not

he is gonna get married in this summer.

I had the answers of everything i have been questioning about him and our relationship.

I have been thinking and blaming myself that i was so selfish.

but the truth is i cannot stand being treated like that.

He wanted me to do everything for him, treated him like a King.

I swear to God i will never date any brown people. I do not judge their culture but it just does not fit me.

Girls have to do housework and cooking. If I married him, I would have had to be a Muslim, learnt their language and served the husband for the rest of my life which i never want to put myself in that horrible situation.

What is my feeling now?

I am so lucky to get out of him. 

And the girl who he will marry to is so unfortunate. Apparently, she was raised to be live a life like that.

I have learnt a lot of lessons after this relationship and the thing is that i am moving on, not to seek for another guy right away but to be myself.

[dechloephn]

hey I just found out that he was boasting about his life a lot and what he had made.

I know he is smart but he has no patience. That is why he is 25 already but he is still in college. when I was in a relationship, i know that when young men achieve something quite big to them, they are just so proud of themselves and they think they are the best. I am wondering if I actually act like that when I do something big or no. But i ignore it, he will fall and he realizes that he is just so small in the world. 

I feel like I did not get to know him much before getting into the relationship and love makes me blind a bit. At this moment, when everything is over, I know i chose the wrong one. 

That is it for today. 

I have a really long but productive day with friends.

I went skating. it quite sucks but this is my first time. 

Hanging out with friends help me not to think of him which is apparently good.

Toronto Feb 12, 2020

[dechloephn]

It has been so hurtful since i started my placement. I feel trapped. I cannot talk to him everyday about work, i cannot face myself with how he is mean to me. it hurt me every time.

But i have no choice, no where to start the placement at the moment and get it done asap.

It is only a few weeks. after this month ends, there will be no loads of work like this. everything will ease and you would be fine.

Give yourself some alone time. You are doing great. You live healthy, keep your mind busy and productive. That is so great isnt it! 

Just dont get hurt girl!

[dechloephn]

I am so broken

I am back after more than a year. I have been doing good. that is why i was away from here for awhile. 

But i’m not alright... at the moment.

I just broke up with my boy friend. It is sad... so sad

I wish my family were here with me, mom would cook for me, take care of me.

I am so scared that I am alone again in this big country.

He is gone and he has moved on...

It is so sad when you see the change in someone, especially some one who used to love you the most.

Is it because of me? I keep asking myself. Am I the reason why he left...

I know he is a good one, but i’ve been through a lot to know that i can find a better one.

It is just... i have not moved on yet...

I’m stucked with my life and everything is falling apart

Friends leave me (again)... no family... marks suck... i am weak and broke..

I know everything will be fine but i am so upset about everything in my life currently.

i am writing every day to clear out my thoughts and my feelings.

what am i scared of the most right now?

low marks...

so catch up with school work and finish up your daily plans.

I know its been hard for you to work with him, but only a month and a half to go..

I just paid him off everything.. after the placement, i will disconnect with him

I will start my new boring work life and i have money to pay my debt.  

Toronto, Feb 11, 2020

[dechloephn]

Cậu có thể nghe tớ khóc?

[dechloephn]

Since when you cannot get used to human beings?

Mình chưa bao giờ nghĩ kết bạn là vấn đề mình phải bận tâm. Mình nhận ra bao lâu nay ở Việt Nam xung quanh mình toàn những người bạn tốt. Mình được là chính mình khi ở với họ. Mình được nói nững gì mình nghĩ, mình được cùng nhau giỡn những thứ chỉ có tụi mình hiểu. Và hơn hết là mình được yêu thương, được trân trọng, được thấu hiểu và quan tâm,  Mình cảm thấy thật sự mệt mỏi lúc này..

Mình luôn vui vẻ và hoà đồng với tất cả mọi người. Mình tạo chủ đề trong các cuộc nói chuyện. Mình giỡn theo cách riêng của mình với những đứa bạn xưa. Nhưng mà mọi người không đón nhận. Họ nghĩ mình khác biệt, trong lời nói cũng như cách suy nghĩ. Mình đã từng tin vào bản thân rất nhiều. Mình đã được dạy df cuộc sống có thế nào cũng không được đánh mất chính mình.

Họ đã làm mình tổn thương chỉ vì mình khác biệt..

Người như mình thật đáng bị tẩy chay. Kiểu người mà vui thì vui hơn người ta, buồn cũg buồn hơn người ta thì chỉ có bị điên..

Mình đã cười phá lên để xoa dịu nhát dao đâm thẳng vào ngực.

Vì mình có rất nhiều thứ phải lo, mình phải kiếm tiền, phải học. Mình nghĩ mình chẳng để tâm. Nhưng không ngờ nó đọng lại trong đầu mình và chất chứa mỗi ngày.

Mình thật sự mệt mỏi.. về con người!

Mình cảm nhận đươc mình đánh mất chính mình rồi. Vì mình không chia sẻ, không biểu lộ. Mình viết nhiều hơn. Mình trở nên trầm lặng hơn.  Con người thật xấu xa! Mình cứ viết và khóc thật nhiều, xong lại quệt nước mắt và tiếp tục theo quỹ đạo như mọi ngày.

Mình là một người giúp đỡ người khác. Nhưng dạo này mình thật sự sợ bản thân bị lợi dụng. Mình ngại giúp đỡ ai đó. Con người đã làm mình trở nên như vậy.

Họ bảo mình con nít, chưa hiểu chuyện. Mình khó chịu khi bị nói như vậy. Nhưng mà.. mình không tin vào bản thân nữa. Mình đã từng nghĩ mình chưa đủ chín chắn, chứ không hẳn hời hợt như con nít. Bây giờ, hình như mình con nít thật. Mình không muốn giao tiếp với con người.. Mình thật ghét bản thân mình. Họ chẳng quan tâm những lời họ nói ra, mình lại cân nhắc từng câu từng chữ.. Hôm nay buồn đến đây thôi, mai rồi sẽ khác./ 

[dechloephn]

Us and then

Năm ấy chúng ta không nhà, không tiền, không công việc, trong đôi tay trắng chỉ có những ước mơ ngông cuồng. Vậy mà không ai trong chúng ta từng sợ bất kì ai - Không nề hà khó khăn nào, không e ngại những gian nguy ngoài đời hiểm ác.

Giống như thể chỉ cần có ước mơ, ngày mai sẽ mở ra cho mình thật nhiều cơ hội.


Rốt cuộc, chúng ta cái gì cũng có, chỉ là không có nhau..

[dechloephn]

To my best friend

Mình sẽ cất giữ mọi thứ cẩn thận trong ngăn kí ức những nơi tụi mình đã đi qua, những câu chuyện, niềm vui, giọt nước mắt.

Mình vẫn tê tái thật nhiều khi nghĩ về ngày cũ.

"Nếu mai quên tất cả

Ta sẽ chừa người ra

Như bão đêm chừa lại

Mong manh một nhành hoa."

...

Mình nhớ chúng ta thật nhiều./

[dechloephn]