decluttermysoul

[decluttermysoul]

It's a Monday

1:26am, January

I can't sleep, and I remembered I haven't touched this blog in months.

If you can't tell, it's over, all of it. We don't talk anymore, we went our separate ways.

Ive decided it doesn't matter if I use their real names or not, the odds of them seeing this are next to none, and they don't deserve the satisfaction if they do see this. With my emotions sorted, I don't find it necessary anymore,

So here we are

I got to speak to them one last time, and I said what I felt was needed to be said

They didn't seem to care.

That was a few months ago now, and I don't know how to feel about it anymore.

Love is a strange thing, you can accept all the flaws in someone because their qualities shine through it all, it's powerful, beautiful, blinding.

Do I regret it? I don't know

Some things I regret, some I dont

I don't regret my feelings, they were of pure heart, and you made me feel special in a lot of ways, I miss that a lot.

I do regret some things, like how I almost respected you more than I respected myself, which wasn't worth it at all, and quite stupid.

There is a large regret, that I wish I could go back and change, but that won't ever happen, so I'll live with it as a lesson:

I wish I never looked up to you, purely because you looked down on me.

And you could deny that if you wanted to, but now I've had time to embarrassingly take off the rose tinted glasses, it's obvious that you looked down on me.

Ever since the beginning, it was always slightly there,

"don't worry, I don't see you as a man haha"

I took it as a joke, but in hindsight it changed how I felt you perceived me, and ultimately made me feel like I needed to prove *something* to you, which I had confused as me looking up to you, something like that.

If you were reading this, you'd probably scoff to yourself, thinking "ugh such a man thing to say" or something along those lines,

How long are you going to keep saying immature shit like that? It's genuinely embarrassing, and I'm embarrassed to have kept on enabling that echo-chamber mindset you've had for what I can assume your whole life.

Your therapy is obviously not working, or you're not being honest enough with your therapist, seriously work on that.

Anyway,

That aside

I hate how I do miss you, because from how you've *chosen* to quite literally discard me is far far beyond hurtful. And you don't deserve a moment in my mind,

Yet I still have a dream with you in it, once or twice a month, of just us doing whatever my mind has conjured up.

And it sucks,

Because we had a good thing going

I'm tired of remembering you, because all it does is make me mourn what could have been a fun part of our lives, whether it lasted for maybe a year more or less, I'll never get to find out.

So yeah, this is it, I need to get to sleep as I have work in the morning and plans in the evening

So yeah, I'll end it here

I enjoyed using the blog, it helped me organise my feelings and continue my personal path of respect and handling feelings in my own way.

But now it's done, Goodbye.

Hemlock will remain a part of my life, as well as Ice, they are good people, and I look forward to my future ahead with those two.

As for Water,

I'll leave you with the parting:

As much as I wish I didn't care, I hope you never have to experience what suffering you've made me feel

1:54am, Monday, January 2025

[decluttermysoul]

The death of this blog might be approaching, as things have changed in my life so drastically that there may be no return.

If that day comes, I will be posting one final post - and it will be the true story, no pseudo-names or insinuating, I will have one final script of who I am and what my life has been this last year.

This may be the end, I'm not ready to let go, but it's not a choice I may have control over anymore.

To whoever sees the outcome, I wish you the best and I pray that no one has to go through the emotional grief I have other this last year.

My final decluttering of my soul

[decluttermysoul]

Tapping and untapping on your icon when I got to send you something on Instagram is a small but painful reminder of what's become of us.

[decluttermysoul]

I have a bad feeling

That we are done.

[decluttermysoul]

Dont they miss me back

Why aren't I that important to them anymore

Or was I ever that important

[decluttermysoul]

Blanked, again

Fuck me I guess

[decluttermysoul]

I might have to end this soon, I don't feel respected, cared for, important or worthwhile.

They have destroyed something inside of me that I have doubts on whether they'll repair it or not.

Screw this, screw it all.

Why can't I be happy

[decluttermysoul]

Do I not even exist to you now? What even are you doing anymore.

Do you even care

[decluttermysoul]

I guess I have a plan in mind with how to approach this, although I'll probably struggle to stick with it I'll try my best to. I would like to think that you may reach out first but I kinda know that ain't gonna happen so I'll also try really hard not to get my hopes up.

It's been a month,

Can we actually fix things?

Honestly, it's up to you

[decluttermysoul]

Will you reach out? Or will or be me, again? Waiting to find out makes me feel pessimistic and like a waste of what precious and limited time we have together.

Are you content with that?

[decluttermysoul]

That's the third time I've dreamt of us having fun together and just being us

[decluttermysoul]

I miss you so much

[decluttermysoul]

It's getting really bad

Everything

I'm scared that my mind is slowly allowing itself to lose me

My mind almost seems to not care that much anymore

I don't know what to do

I could use some Water right now, but that resource is currently tapped out.

And I don't know when it will be back

Or if

[decluttermysoul]

Hey, hope you're doing well, and I hope the new job is treating you better too, id love to hear about it sometime soon, also are you still doing your lessons? And what's your current work schedule? We should try and finish part 3 soon too I can't wait for part 4. Ive missed talking to you, or just hearing about your day.

[decluttermysoul]

I hope they make the effort today

Update, they didn't, but we had a brief exchange which felt

Fine

[decluttermysoul]

I'm fed up of so many different things

Especially being betrayed of my trust

Whenever I let my guard down someone always does something at the expense of my peace of wellbeing

Why can't people just

Be nice to me

What did I do to deserve this

Whatever I did, I don't know what I did and that's the worst part

So how can I know

It hurts a lot

[decluttermysoul]

We still haven't really spoken since the "talk", but I don't know if I should initiate conversation or not.

And honestly, I don't think that it's my responsibility, as they were the one who decided to hide this from me to begin with, regardless of whether they didn't want to 'make me sad' or 'make me overthink it'

They broke a piece of my trust that day and I really don't know how to feel

If they wait too long, they'll make this harder and more difficult for us, but theres nothing I can really do besides wait.

Will things be okay? I think they'll be okay, but I'm worried it'll be nothing more than just 'okay'

Why did you have to be so

Inconsiderate