decontextualizing

[decontextualizing]

i just want to be enough for you to have me in your mind before "shutting down" and doing things without realizing how much it'll hurt me.

honestly though, how many times has shit even happened to me throughout the relationship that i've forgiven? i know love doesn't keep a record of wrongs but i need to set boundaries for the amount of pain i can take up, right?

frankly, i feel like i'm slowly about to burst. although it may not seem like it, a lot of the things i cry about are actually stuff i don't want to bring up anymore because i really don't know if it's irrational/if it deserves to be brought up. and besides, going through tough convos with Xav isn't easy. it takes so much out of me too. don't get me wrong, i want to help him be better, but i get tired too. i shouldn't be the only thing that makes him realize and change, because it's honestly such a heavy weight on me.

i love xav so much, but is it still good for me?

[decontextualizing]

the man with the axe (amongst other things)

i'm always halfway to space. lorde talks about this in her song — how her lover keeps her grounded; how he balances her out when she detaches. it stays on a stable melody — one that is calming, but is also capable to allow you to feel the lyrics to its full extent.

this song put to words to how i've been feeling for the past few months. as someone who loves music, it meant a lot to find a song that felt like the perfect fit for how i view our relationship. although there have been songs that remind me of him, i don't think any has fully encompassed us the way this song has. they've either been too lovey-dovey that feels like puppy love, or too emotional, which just doesn't really feel fitting to what we have.

there was never a song for the in-between.

whenever i'd come across tiktoks of couples, i'd always be surprised over how people rave over what is mundane to us. just the other day, i told him that things like this probably get posted because it doesn't happen often — i mean, social media's filter is the best at making toxic relationships look healthy.

maybe that is why there are no songs for the in-betweens — because relationships like this are so, so hard to find: the calm, secure, and stable kind. the ones that don't require big gestures to satisfy each other because you're both secure in what you have. the type that is satisfied by doing nothing together. the kind that just flows; the kind that feels freeing, without even trying.

and although this should be the standard, you can't ignore the fact that it really is difficult to find people who really truly match enough to make things work without being toxic. it's one to bring two people together on a website that could've matched anyone, but another to make things work.

here's to the man with the axe, and to more songs for the in-betweens.

[decontextualizing]

how am i going to feel like my feelings are valid when i invalidate them way before anyone else does?

but today was a little more painful

i finally mustered up the courage to tell him i have such a difficult time playing with him on valorant because he makes me feel so small. i invalidated my own feelings to because it feels stupid to be upset over a game. but once i was finally able to let it out, i was laughed at.

ang sakit :( bakit ganito haha bakit ko iniiyakan

feeling ko may parallels in real life of making me feel helpless - like i don't understand anything going on in life and i can't do anything about the things happening around me because i'm just too small

but it's just a game, right

haha putangina i just feel like i was punched in the stomach

[decontextualizing]

ganito pala ang feeling kapag nababadtrip si xavier. sa tagal naming mag-usap, first time ko siyang nakitang badtrip. hindi gumagana headphones niya.

ayaw niyang kumausap ng tao, at kailangan niya ng space. willing na willing akong ibigay ito, pero grabe, mabigat din pala kapag may nangyayaring hindi okay sa boyfriend mo at wala kang magawa para ayusin ang mga bagay. i just want to run and give him a hug and make things okay.

but this is what relationships are like, i guess. i feel like it has a certain weight on me because he feels like a part of me. well, he is a part of me. and when he is hurting, i am too.

but i love him entirely. the hyper, uminom-ng-apat-na-baso-ng-kape version, the tired version, the baby boi that needs lambing version, the reflective version during tough conversations, and today, the frustrated version.

i still don't know what to do. i wish i knew how to make things okay.

but man, i love this boy so much.

[decontextualizing]

nothing i can ever do can make God love me less

[decontextualizing]

i’ve been having a difficult time with god lately. i know it’s been a running joke for me to have god issues, but every time it does get brought up, it secretly stings. i don’t know what happened along the way that just pushed me more and more to fall out, but every time i want to feel god, i just can’t, and it frustrates me.

i have been so, so tired. the weight of the world on my shoulders continues to wear me down every single day. the voices in my head are at a constant war, feeding me with lies i did not even know existed. i know that church tells me not to worry, but how do you expect me to just lay around? have you seen the way things have been? it’s almost as if the world has been birthing out piles and piles of heartbreaks and hatred. 

but i’ve been confiding in the same world that hurts me, convincing myself that it’s capable of loving me as much as it has hurt me. i feel stupid writing this after seeing how dumb it sounds. but after all, what else did i have to hold on to? i really couldn’t feel god. what more did i have left to do? i’ve been trying so hard to understand.

but i guess, it doesn’t hurt to try again. i want to try to remember. 

you are god, my father. you’re the creator of the heavens and of the earth. you’ve created mountains with a vastness i cannot even begin to comprehend. the waves of the oceans stay still at the sound of your name. 

you turned dust into flesh. and so, i was created in your likeness. you knew i was going to disappoint you, yet you loved me entirely, no matter how sinful. 

you were always there to welcome me with open arms. how could i ever forget.

but most of all, the waging wars — inside my head, around me, have already been won. the promise of love, of kindness, of peace and of forgiveness was nailed on that cross. and just like that, you have won the victory. we have won.

you fought for me, jesus. 

and i know you still are.

[decontextualizing]

“i currently have nothing to be proud of yet, but i hope by that time, you’ve tried things out of your comfort zone. don’t be afraid to fail.”

this was from a letter i wrote to my future self back in 9th grade. i guess it’s true what they say — you only really realize how bad it was until you’re out of it. i never realized how bad my mental state was in 9th grade until i saw this, because looking back, i had so much to be proud of. by 15, i had done things most 15 year olds haven’t — competing, training 6 times a week, while balancing school and other hobbies. depression is so, so real. (also, i don’t think it helped that i was in a relationship with someone that had a crazy superiority complex. made me feel worthless all the time.)

okay, going back to the reason i wanted to write — i wanted to reply to this specific line. to 9th grade kiana who felt she had no direction.

hey, kiana! thank you for writing to me, even if it was probably just done to comply to a school requirement. i have so much to kwento to you!

first of all, i got into ateneo! i too confident in passing nga eh, so i barely studied. ayan tuloy, my bobo self didn’t pass and had to appeal. but i wouldn’t have had it any other way — the appeal is a constant reminder to myself that i earned my spot, and that i should not take it for granted. i also believe it was God’s way of streeeeetching the hell out of my faith (haha ironic nung word use) pero grabe, i reached a point where i wasn’t worried anymore, because i accepted whatever God wanted for me — whether it was to be in ateneo or not, i did not want to be where he did not want me to be (because that’s really, really scary.) pero ayun! here i am, going into 12th grade na! i’m even a head of a committee in an org called Alunsina that advocates for diversity and awareness of other fililpino ethnolinguistic groups, which is an advocacy that would play a huge role of shaping you into the person you are now.

which brings me to my next kwento — i’m part of two other outside orgs, save our schools network, which advocates mainly for the lumads, and save san roque, which advocates for the urban poor. pero mainly, nakasentro ako sa save our schools. i was really busy helping them prepare for their graduation and all! i’ve also formed a lot of meaningful relationships with lumad students that constantly inspire me. i love them so much.

aside from that, i also decided to continue art. i know you used to doubt yourself when it came to art stuff no matter how much you loved it, so here i am, proving you wrong chz! but seriously, i’m applying to some art schools in the states, mostly for graphic design maybe! but also art studies because i love analyzing art and studying the socio-political contexts behind it.

i also write more, now. i think i find a lot of comfort in being able to just freely speak my mind without the fear of anyone judging me. you do let xavier read a lot of your stuff though! hay nako! that’s another kwento.

i’m dating a boy named xavier, and it’s been reaaaaal sweet. i think i’ve grown a lot since my last relationship — i know myself a lot more, which has helped me maintain a healthy relationship. i do get tampo at times but! i never don’t fix things or talk things out. it’s crazy — i never really expected myself to be able to reach this level of maturity considering how toxic my last relationship was. your brain at 15 vs 18 really is different. IF U WOULD BE ABLE TO READ THIS AT 15, PLS, BREAK UP WITH ALON IT ISN’T WORTH IT. LOL.

but i’ve really learned a lot since then. i’ve become wiser, but at the same time, i’ve acknowledged that i can become even more wise than i am now. i’m afraid of staying stagnant, so i always stay open to learning and growing. i don’t want to be a bad person!!!!! ever!!!!!

so i guess, it’s up to you to decide now, 9th grade kiana. are you proud of me? because i definitely am :)

[decontextualizing]

i've been treated really badly in the past, so being given the bare minimum really amazed me. i never knew how much it would mean to hear someone tell me i was pretty, or for someone to remind me that they loved me. it felt surreal - almost as if i was living a dream.

but it's the bare minimum.

whenever i would tell some friends about it, their reaction would always be along the lines of "that's really what he's supposed to be doing", or "kiana, ganyan naman kasi talaga dapat? at dapat nga, mas higit pa jan."

but i have no concept of what more than the bare minimum is. i didn't even know that the bare minimum was the bare minimum.

so when he started treating me less than how he used to treat me back in feb/march, i thought it was..... okay, even if it was painful. i don't know what i deserve. i don't know how he's supposed to be acting towards me. i want his old self back (which even he would say, is the bare minimum) but i don't know how to ask for it because i have a hard time believing that i deserve it. it's so, so difficult.

haha hinding-hindi ko gustong maawa sa sarili ko pero bakit ganito

[decontextualizing]

xavier and i don't talk very often during calls (because we've probably talked about every single thing in the past 6 months lol), so we usually just get on a call to have each other's presence while doing our own thing. my favorite thing about this is randomly hearing his laugh out of nowhere. it makes me smile like an idiot. i love hearing and seeing him happy.

we're on a facetime call as i'm writing this. he's playing some game while i'm about to fall asleep. this boy makes me so, so happy :')

[decontextualizing]

"where's the middle ground between living your life to the fullest (because we never know when we're gonna die) and not being in a rush?"

this question has been eating me up for the past few weeks. whenever i dive deep into thinking, i usually come up with some kind of answer to my thoughts. it was a lot harder this time.

here's my attempt in explaining the answer that satisfied my question.

*banal aleeeeeert*

holding onto jeremiah 29:11 gives me a lot of comfort. "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

there is so much comfort in knowing that my life is all planned out according to his perfect will. this comes with trust — that whatever i'm doing now is according to his plan, and is worth something in the future — whether that is dying tomorrow or 80 years from now.

but the possibility of dying young doesn't mean that he doesn't want us to enjoy his creation! so i believe that he gives us opportunities to live in the present and enjoy the ordinary things in life, like being with friends or enjoying someone's presence, because i realized that even the most mundane things are still part of his creation.

so is it really still mundane after all? :)

i also think that the best way to live my life without rushing it is to stop worrying. each day comes with a new set of uncertainties, but it also comes with a new set of possibilities. am i going to live my life worried today? or am i going to make the most of what's given to me today?

there's another verse for this! it's one of my favorites — i really, really love the sarcastic tone jesus had when he said this: “So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." (matt 6:24)

okay! that's it, i guess! bye bye !

[decontextualizing]

halimaw

laging may espasyo ang mga halimaw 

sa loob ng maliit kong katawan

inaalagaan, ipinagtatanggol

hinihingan ng tawad.

baka sakaling lumago,

baka sakaling magbago. 

nabibigatan,

hindi— nauunawaan.

tumubo, hindi lumago

at nagpatong-patong.

kumapit sa mga buto kong

unti-unting hinihila pababa

nilunod sa kamang hinihigan

pinarating ang kabaligtaran

hindi

  ako

    makagalaw

hindi napipigilan ng pagmamakaawa

hindi natatahan ng mga salitang inakalang gumana.

sinakop ang katawan

walang-wala ang kaliitan

sa lakas at kakayahan

ng pinagsamang mga halimaw

nagsilabasan sa anyo ng tanikala

at kinapitan ang lantang katawan

kinapitan ko rin sila.

[decontextualizing]

there are remnants of us that were left behind in each place we went to. the cotton on we met in has the awkward yet fulfilling feeling of finally seeing each other for the first time. the mcdonalds we had mcflurries in has the giddy feeling we both felt after holding hands for the first time. the empty parking lot we last saw each other in was a peek of how our lives would look like if we were physically together. each place was left with more than what it used to have.

i cupped his face for a while in this empty parking lot; holding it close, gazing at it for the last time.

and then it dawned on me — that the same warmth i felt in those places was found right here, resting his head on my small hands.

it felt like i was holding the world.

and just like that, i realized: home is any place in the world with you.

[decontextualizing]

thoughts on internalized misogyny

i think that being raised in an inherently patriarchal and macho-feudal society entails internalized misogyny in women as well. i don’t think women admit this enough.

my internalized misogyny comes greatly from a men-dominated gymnastics environment growing up. in addition, being in a christian family/church also teaches you to dress modestly for the sake of men. for some reason, i’ve also found it easier to be close with guys (my junior and senior high friend groups mostly consist of men too.) and as much as i hate to admit it, this is also because i tend to stereotype the girls in my class — sometimes as too soft, or just too annoying or dramatic or petty. 

my internalized misogyny also pops up when there are girls that cause drama with me. my insults tend to have misogynistic undertones (which i would probably cry over if used on me.)

worst of all, my internalized misogyny wears me down. i find myself containing or stopping myself from dressing the way i want because of the way i’d insult myself. 

being raised in a patriarchal/macho-feudal environment is so, so difficult. but being a woman doesn’t exempt me from being oppressive towards other women as well. 

there is so much to unlearn :’)

[decontextualizing]

thoughts on commodifying art

of course my procrastinating ass is writing this while i have a bunch of requirements pending. but i need this out of my brain! (context: this entire thought dump is about commissioned art in your style)

i read something about how hard it is to be an artist because you practically sell your soul when you sell your artworks. it made me think about how tough, yet rewarding being an artist is

i think that art is one of the few jobs where you aren’t so alienated from yourself. it’s really nice this way, obviously, because you’re doing what you love, however, i think that this becomes a bad thing because we aren’t entirely in a world where loving what you do is embraced. after all, we’re trained to be machines, so i feel that this takes a toll on the art we make.

so ayun, rewarding siya dahil malaya kang ibahagi ang sarili mo sa mga gawa mo. on the other end of it, parang binebenta mo kaluluwa mo dahil binahagi mo ang sarili mo. where’s the middle ground?

(side note: mas luminaw thoughts ko nung nag thought map ako hahaha mas nandito ata mga sagot sa tanong ko) hashtag fuck capitalism pa rin talaga

[decontextualizing]

thoughts on pretending

i feel like one of the scariest things to me is how capable a person is of pretending. how much do i really know a person? how do i know they’re telling the truth?

and for the longest time, i’ve blamed this on current circumstances — we’re in a pandemic and the internet is all we have; it’s easy to hide your true self behind a wall (or, screen) when forging relationships online. 

and maybe that is true to a certain extent, but i’ve come to realize that i find myself asking the same questions in real life settings.

do i really know you?

how do i know you’re not pretending?

the whole concept of pretending scares me. how does one gauge a person’s authenticity? is anyone even real at this point?

i hate that i have to bring this up, but i feel like our capitalist society is to blame. according to marx’s theory of alienation, workers under a capitalist society become alienated from themselves because they’re forced to work jobs that aren’t what’s in their “species-essence.” we’re basically alienated from our own souls — our own humanity. we’ve reached a point where we’ve accepted the reality we’re brought into because 1) it’s what we know and what we’re used to — how are things supposed to change? and 2) even if we are educated about the world being wrong, we’re told we’re too ideal when we want to change it.

we’re so used to pretending that we’re okay under these conditions, which in turn, makes it difficult for us to admit to ourselves that we’re pretending. we’ve been alienated from ourselves so much that we probably don’t even know what it’s like to be real to ourselves.

but as cheesy as it sounds, the first thing that came to mind that will fix pretending, i think, is love. 

i don’t think you can pretend being in love. i think that love is the one thing that has truly been preserved in its purest form. love is too strong to pretend to.

but then again, in what position am i in to talk about love and pretending? i still have math finals i need to study for. 

but ultimately, how am i going to expect someone to be real to me if i’m uncertain about whether or not i’m even being real to myself?

[decontextualizing]

i’ve knocked through every door.

with scathed limbs, i continue to walk

through piles and piles of snow

battling the frailty of my body;

aching for shelter.

and as the storm comes

i am forced 

to bathe in the rain

    feeble;

    lifeless. 

i thought i knew the cold.

my weatherbended body

was found embraced 

by your gentle warmth.

i am safe,

i am dry.

at last,

i am home.

[decontextualizing]

gabi-gabi

bata pa lang ako nang dumating ka.

hindi ka naunawaan,

hindi ka napapansin,

ngunit pinili mong manatili.

araw-araw na nagpakita.

hindi nagsawa; 

hindi lumisan.

naghintay.

nakasama ka—

sa biyahe pauwi,

sa sulok ng banyo.

mahigpit mong binalutan

ang bawat bahagi 

ng aking katawan;

  lanta,

    ubos.

matagal nang inaasam

ang mayakap nang may kahulugan

at alam mo ito—

dinaan ako sa kahinaan.

at sa wakas,

unti-unting napapansin.

unti-unting naiintindihan.

niyakap rin kita

at kinapitan mo ako—

hindi binitawan.

nabigatan.

naunawaan ba talaga?

nagtago ka sa likod

ng pakunwaring gahum—

ang patagong minimithi.

hindi namalayang

tinutubuan ng tanikala;

kinulong mo ako sa piling mo.

pinatay kita.

nabuhay ang paghilom.