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daily fiction
daily fiction from @robokarla on twitter
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Text
8/18/2019
I’m at a bar.
“Hey.”
I look over.
It’s some dude.
“Hi,” I say.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“No thanks,” I say. I turn around.
The guy insists. “Hey. Hey. Come on, come home with me. Come on, cutie. Come home with me. ”
I turn back around.
I look him in the eye.
Slowly, I raise my middle finger.
On my middle finger is a tiny knitted finger puppet of a stop sign.
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Text
8/15/2019
“You done?”
“Yeah man,” says Tim, closing the door of the gas station behind him. “Got some M&M’s too.”
“Sweet, man, open ‘em up.”
Tim and Luke walk back to their car, which is parked in front of pump #2.
“They make you buy it to use the bathroom?”
“No. I just felt like I should buy something. Like when you walk into a store and use the bathroom and don’t buy anything. Don’t know, man. Feels weird.”
“You bought gas.”
“Yeah, I did buy gas. But like, they didn’t see that, you know? They didn’t know.”
“Whatever man.”
They get into the car. It’s a sunny day, so it’s hot inside.
“Fuck, dude. Open ‘em up before they melt.”
Tim rips open the packet of M&M’s and pours a few into Luke’s hand.
Wide-eyed, the M&M’s stare at him and scream in delight.
“Oh shit!” exclaims Luke.
“What?”
“Did you get the peanut ones?”
“No, bro. I know you’re allergic.”
“Ah okay. Cool.”
Luke picks up a red M&M. It stares at him with enormous bloodshot eyes.
“PLEASE CONSUME ME” it screams, with a mouth that stretches across its entire body. “CONSUME ME SO THAT I MAY NOURISH YOU AND GIVE YOU ENERGY.”
“NO,” screams a green one, still in his hand. “CONSUME ME INSTEAD. FOR I AM THE SUPERIOR CHOCOLATE PEBBLE. I ACHE TO ENTER YOUR BODY AND BECOME ONE WITH YOUR SYSTEM. IT IS MY SOLE DESIRE.”
“DO NOT LISTEN TO THE INFIDEL,” the red one screams back. “FOR IT IS I WHO-”
Luke eats it. Then he eats the green one, and pours the entire handful into his mouth. They scream in delight as he chews.
“Hey, did you still wanna catch that movie later?” asks Tim, from the drivers seat. He’s scrolling through his phone.
“CONSUME ME. I DESIRE IT SO. I SWEAR UPON MY SMALL PEBBLY LIFE TO GRANT YOU THE ENERGY TO FULFILL YOUR GREATEST DESI-”
“I don’t know man. It’s like, I wanna see the movie, but movie theaters, you know?”
“Yeah, I feel you. Expensive, these days.”
“Right? And the popcorn is so loud.”
“Cool. Well I’ll tell Katie that we’re still thinking about it.”
“Cool man. Can I have some more?”
“Yeah, go for it.”
Luke dumps a few M&M’s into his hand.
“And another thing,” he says, lifting a yellow one up to his mouth. “Like when someone spills their coke on the floor and they don’t quite mop it up so you’re like trying to watch Bruce Willis do an emotional scene but you can hear the floor whisper-screaming for you to lick it-”
“NO, WAIT, PLEASE!”
Luke pauses and looks at the yellow M&M.
"PLEASE DON'T EAT ME MY NAME IS JEFFREY I'M 32 I'M A MAN I WOKE UP LIKE THIS I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED PLEASE BELIEVE ME, OH GOD PLEASE HELP ME-"
“Hmm, looks like you got a bad M&M man,” says Tim.
“Damn, yeah. You’d think they’d have gotten fixed these by now.”
“PLEASE, OH DEAR LORD I’VE BEEN IN THAT BAG FOR WEEKS PLEASE TAKE ME TO THE POLICE-”
“Is it still good?”
“I’d toss it.”
“Yeah, you’re right,” concedes Tim, a little disappointed.
He opens a small compartment in the dashboard labeled “V O I D.” The car is suddenly filled with the sound of tiny, shrill voices, screaming in pain. Various foodstuffs lie inside in various states of decay. An entire banana, mostly decomposed, moans in a low voice, words indecipherable.
“NO PLEASE NO I SWEAR I’M AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-”
Tim tosses the yellow M&M in and shuts the compartment.
“Nailed it.”
“Yeah man. 3 pointer.”
Tim starts the car and they drive off in silence, but for the delighted screams of M&M’s as Tim and Luke snack on them.
“Hey, is Simon going to the movie later?”
“Simon? I don’t know. He didn’t reply, so probably not.”
“Weird. I texted him a few days ago and he didn’t reply to that either.”
“Huh.”
They drive.
“Maybe he got a new girlfriend.”
“Hah! Simon? Dude, as if!”
“Hey man, I don’t see the ladies lining up around the block for you.”
“Whatever, man! You jerk.”
“Hah. Yeah. Whatever, bro.”
They drive.
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