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Im inconceivably head iver heels for this guy and the way he holds my hands in public and jokes with his friends with me included snd ensures to always see me and spend time with me and the way he always wants one more kiss and the

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What does she do?

She is educated. She prioritizes school and never misses an assignment, even if she's unsure about her answers. She gets excited for tests and she stays involved in the academic community that surrounds her.

She is happy. She smiles at everyone and allows them to be touched by her grace and gentle nature. She never stops laughing. She is confident in her abilities, looks, and charisma. She never gets told no.

She is capable and strong. She is resilient. She works out to feel strong and healthy. She minds what she eats, knowing it is what fuels her to do her best.

She is sun kissed and has long healthy hair. Her skin tells those around her that she takes relentless care of herself.

She loves herself enough to do things that are difficult, knowing they will better her.

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I really hope its true what they say. I'm beyond ready for God to come down and grab me by the shoulders and turn my life around. I want to meet the possibility of me that is everything I've ever wanted. I can do it. i can become her.

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Lately everything has seemed to be going well ( I say to myself convincingly) But seriously I have met someone that is a very promising individual, one that has made me very grateful for removing myself from a settling situation.

Aside from the never ending hyperawareness of my romantic interest (of which, may I had, has never seen a pause. It's always go go go. Surely this is normal?) I have been very intensely focused on what would fulfill me in my career.

I've realized I have taken and failed and withdrew from endless classes (Appox 40 credits to be exact). If I had just focused, I would have a bachelors degree in another semester. How funny.

I've had enough time to hate myself for it. I wish I could explain how or why but it just comes down to not doing it, being scared of being in there after not doing it, and not taking action. The maximum length of action taking is withdrawing. Pitiful!!!

I cannot let my enemies become more educated and more beautiful and confident than me. I think I'm scared of growing up and doing real people things, but I can't stay in this same cycle over and over again.

I want to get my degree, I want my master's degree, I want to become unrecognizable and financially free and beautiful and glowing and oozing with credentials of intelligence that surpass what could be discovered in conversation. I take the same picture of the last tree on my street at the change of each season. I watch it come and go with leaves and buds and twigs, and I stay still. I cannot let this happen for a minute longer.

I fantasize about graduating, going to grad school, getting my masters in public health or bioengineering or healthcare admin, becoming successful in my field, but the issue is that I have no solid goal or ideal. I just know I want to be educated and successful.

I really think if I was able to obtain my little orange pill that things would have been so different by now. I will try soon again. I believe I can do things that are difficult. If others can then there is no reason for me not to be able to. Stop quitting Nicole. Nicole is capable and always has been. Nicole can control her brain her tongue her mouth her body her mood. These are easily manipulated tools that God has given me, and I am incessantly ignoring my ancestors pleas to better myself by choosing laziness and dread. I have to face the anxiety.

I wish I could go back in time. But I cannot. So I will make changes now that will make it so that I never. ever. say. that. again.

I love you Nicole, I need you to understand how much I love you. I'm trying to be better for you now and I will take care of you the way that is needed. I wont allow myself to be mediocre anymore. It's unfair.

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The situation with the Wizard Liz is a good reminder to do this prayer if you’re in a talking stage: Lord, if this man I’m about give my attention, body, and communion to does not have pure and reciprocal intentions for me, please remove him from my life. You see the beginning and the end, you are familiar with all our ways, you see the hearts and minds. Keep me away from men who have a lustful spirit and lack remorse. Do not allow me to waste my life and time with someone who doesn’t deserve it. Amén.

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Joy Sullivan, from “Culpable”, Instructions for Traveling West

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Joy Sullivan, from “Culpable”, Instructions for Traveling West