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god ever since stuff started happening and ptsd and mental illness made a home in my head (or at least reared up and made itself home from when it was buried deep down because i have always had it apparently) i feel so stupid.

i used to be smart. i used to be able to grasp concepts and devour books and get things done no matter what.

i used to draw more and write endlessly, i was able to let things not bother me and be so efficient at my jobs, i used to be good and now im so. dumb. things slip through my fingers. i can't remember a lot. i feel like a dumb kid when I get frustrated and upset..my reactions aren't normal anymore.

i have breakdowns a lot. i feel like my coworkers think im a fucking liar and maybe even stupid too because i can't understand stuff ive been taught for months i should know how to do everything already why can't grasp it

why did i go digging for answers why couldn't i have just lived not knowing why couldn't i be like everyone i was surrounded by and hurt and lie and manipulate and tell them it was all out of love why did i push for EDMR and ruin my mind

everything is so cloudy now i can't tell memories from five years ago from anything in college anymore. university may as well have been a decade ago. im so confused

i wish i never got EMDR therapy. i was fine until i destroyed my own mental state

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DELIVER ME DELIVER ME DELIVER ME DELIVER ME DELIVER For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.The voice of one crying in the wilderness, Prepare ye the way of the Lord, make his paths straight.And when I saw him, I fell at his feet as dead. And he laid his right hand upon me, saying unto me, Fear not; I am the first and the last:And he said, Draw not nigh hither: put off thy shoes from off thy feet, for the place whereon thou standest is holy ground. For the wages of sin is death; but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.But whosoever shall deny me before men, him will I also deny before my Father which is in heaven.

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After Sinners tonight I think I'm gonna play with my chao until I fall asleep..

Exciting..

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had a dream i was in a university run by angels. I had a guardian angel named Blake who was my roommate and very pissed at me all the time for not doing my homework and frequently wandering campus at night (which human fledglings like me were not allowed to do) because of some Unknown force that killed or kidnapped human students out of the campus boundary.

Seraphs patrolled the dorms and tried to smite me Several times for trying to leave, in which Blake would swoop in and be like "heyy sorry about him he's dumb" and then would lecture me forever on being obedient. It put me time out, which i was highly offended by as an adult man but then it threatened several times to beat my ass so i just. Sat there.

I have No idea what i was learning. The headmaster was like this magey God guy that found me first one night wander and kept electro shocking me every time i tried to explain. Blake was Not happy.

o7 Blake sorry you had a dumbass for a roommate/ward

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That EMDR fucked me up but at least it made me aware of you and I wouldn't take that back. I love you. Even if you do make us listen to make gospel musics all the time and tell us to pray and make me regret the things I eat sometimes

i promise i love you and everything will work out fine. lol we've made it this far.

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God have mercy. God have mercy. God have mercy. God have mercy. God have mercy. God have mercy. God have mercy.

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no, you are not "running from God". He's in front of you

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lord, make me soft. let my heart not be hardened– let it be pierced with compassion as your own sacred heart is, let it burn with love as yours so does. let me love. let me love and love and love. let my soul be slow to anger and quick to forgive. make me soft, heavenly father. oh god, please make me soft

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The devil caught your eye, pray till I go blind

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Sweet Movie, Alisha Dietzman

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my dads church

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So like does anyone want to talk about how growing up in an abusive religious fundamentalist household while also attending a secular school while also being otherwise isolated from society and culture led to whopping levels of cognitive dissonance, alienation, and lack of identity or am I supposed to deconstruct this all on my own.

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ellen g white, modern prophet of the SDA

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ellen g white, modern prophet of the SDA, again

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am i important to god? why? i am not anything grand

the clay of your flesh is still warm from where his fingers met to shape you