deer-mi

[deer-mi]

Damn this flows so well and makes such coherent and grammatical sense (2020/9/21)

4/18/2020

Dear Basil,

I know this is a terrible place to start an online journal. Why not write on an actual notebook meant for writing or continue using google docs? I have tried all of these solutions, as you may remember, but none of them really fit me. My thoughts were mostly drowned by my oncoming documents, and my terrible handwriting has made it hard for me to reread my thoughts and feelings. I know that I will probably forget to update this later but at least  where i write the thing will be consistent.

Its not like you will read this, anyways. You’re fake. Just a place holder for a person that doesn’t exist. I may look at this later and cringe but i guess that is just life. People change everyday. Good ideas are then reveal to be bad once the sun illuminates the room and sleep resets the mind. I will also shamelessly use purple prose depending on my mood.

Today I thought it would be a good productive day. I was supposed to talk with my friends in a hangouts meeting. We do this every two weeks since we aren’t seeing each other daily at school. Its nice hearing their voices but I really don’t know what to center our conversations on. If our conversation were recorded there would usually be times where the audio would be devoid of voices. Just the rustling sounds of paper, or vigorous typing. 

It frustrates me because whenever Joanna talks to her friends, their conversations are so natural. It flows so smoothly. One witty comment at a time. While I am busy trying to think up conversation starters, she’s busy chatting away for two hours.

I guess I am just not very good at conversation. A part of me just needs to be payed attention to, I think. When I was talking today, none of my friends could hear my jokes (which were more than half of the things we talked about) and I was mildly desperate for them to hear me. I interrupt people just to make a joke that overall seems out of place. I realized that I do this soley when I am talking to my friends. In person or not. Then when somebody tries to talk to me about a certain topic they find interesting I blank and respond awkwardly. Often, stopping the conversation as a whole. Lately, its been harder to think up topics. It would be easier to not talk at all, but I desperately miss their voices.

And then after that, I became irritated at everything. It first really began when I asked Joanna to wash the dishes. She reasoned that since she was planning to make cake it would be much more inconvenient to wash the dishes. I legit started crying. How pathetic. I then started to yell at every annoying thing thing. My mom even asked why it seemed I was frustrated at everything. Sucks right!

(not to mention that u just yelled at my brother, a few minutes ago when he demanded for the computer)

Washing the dishes wasn’t that bad. I analyzed myself during that time and may have come to a reason as to why I always feel bad about myself. A part of it is because my sister is always correct. I don’t know why that affects me so much. I think it is because I have always worshipped my sister in a way saying that if her opinion is different than mine then its not valid. Also that I was always wrong with everything when it came to facts and logic.

She made logical sense when she said that washing the dishes two times throughout the day would be less easier then washing her baking materials and dinner plates together. I didn’t feel it was fair though. I felt like I have done so many kind things and that she owed me for that. I knew this was a flawed way of thinking so I couldn’t even argue my way out of it. But it did make me feel stupid and angry. It  was just me make taking the situation personally.

A part of me also wants to say my PMS was a part of the problem. I haven’t had it in a month maybe. and this could be my first sign that it is coming soon. Maybe tomorrow I will wake up with a bloody pants.

I am trying to learn to not invalidate my negative emotions. And that the anger I at my sister should not be filed away at the back of my brain. it should be dealt with properly and healthily.

I am making the goal to have more patience when I am feeling this way. I already stop myself when I feel like I am snapping, but i need to think before I speak.

Today was a bad day. A pure 4/10 but tommorow will be better. I will make it a better day.

Sincerely, IANG (also find out how to make the read more header thingy)

[deer-mi]

4/18/2020

Dear Basil,

I know this is a terrible place to start an online journal. Why not write on an actual notebook meant for writing or continue using google docs? I have tried all of these solutions, as you may remember, but none of them really fit me. My thoughts were mostly drowned by my oncoming documents, and my terrible handwriting has made it hard for me to reread my thoughts and feelings. I know that I will probably forget to update this later but at least  where i write the thing will be consistent.

Its not like you will read this, anyways. You’re fake. Just a place holder for a person that doesn’t exist. I may look at this later and cringe but i guess that is just life. People change everyday. Good ideas are then reveal to be bad once the sun illuminates the room and sleep resets the mind. I will also shamelessly use purple prose depending on my mood.

Today I thought it would be a good productive day. I was supposed to talk with my friends in a hangouts meeting. We do this every two weeks since we aren’t seeing each other daily at school. Its nice hearing their voices but I really don’t know what to center our conversations on. If our conversation were recorded there would usually be times where the audio would be devoid of voices. Just the rustling sounds of paper, or vigorous typing. 

It frustrates me because whenever Joanna talks to her friends, their conversations are so natural. It flows so smoothly. One witty comment at a time. While I am busy trying to think up conversation starters, she’s busy chatting away for two hours.

I guess I am just not very good at conversation. A part of me just needs to be payed attention to, I think. When I was talking today, none of my friends could hear my jokes (which were more than half of the things we talked about) and I was mildly desperate for them to hear me. I interrupt people just to make a joke that overall seems out of place. I realized that I do this soley when I am talking to my friends. In person or not. Then when somebody tries to talk to me about a certain topic they find interesting I blank and respond awkwardly. Often, stopping the conversation as a whole. Lately, its been harder to think up topics. It would be easier to not talk at all, but I desperately miss their voices.

And then after that, I became irritated at everything. It first really began when I asked Joanna to wash the dishes. She reasoned that since she was planning to make cake it would be much more inconvenient to wash the dishes. I legit started crying. How pathetic. I then started to yell at every annoying thing thing. My mom even asked why it seemed I was frustrated at everything. Sucks right!

(not to mention that u just yelled at my brother, a few minutes ago when he demanded for the computer)

Washing the dishes wasn’t that bad. I analyzed myself during that time and may have come to a reason as to why I always feel bad about myself. A part of it is because my sister is always correct. I don’t know why that affects me so much. I think it is because I have always worshipped my sister in a way saying that if her opinion is different than mine then its not valid. Also that I was always wrong with everything when it came to facts and logic.

She made logical sense when she said that washing the dishes two times throughout the day would be less easier then washing her baking materials and dinner plates together. I didn’t feel it was fair though. I felt like I have done so many kind things and that she owed me for that. I knew this was a flawed way of thinking so I couldn’t even argue my way out of it. But it did make me feel stupid and angry. It  was just me make taking the situation personally.

A part of me also wants to say my PMS was a part of the problem. I haven’t had it in a month maybe. and this could be my first sign that it is coming soon. Maybe tomorrow I will wake up with a bloody pants.

I am trying to learn to not invalidate my negative emotions. And that the anger I at my sister should not be filed away at the back of my brain. it should be dealt with properly and healthily.

I am making the goal to have more patience when I am feeling this way. I already stop myself when I feel like I am snapping, but i need to think before I speak.

Today was a bad day. A pure 4/10 but tommorow will be better. I will make it a better day.

Sincerely, IANG (also find out how to make the read more header thingy)