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On Going Nowhere Fast

I’ve been thinking about this phrase a lot, “going nowhere fast.

The official interpretation of this phrase is that you’re going nowhere fast.That you have a destination, but no progress. My parents look at me, see that I have no plans, and think i’m squandering my life, wasting it before it has even had the chance to start.

However, if you look up the phrase on Urban Dictionary, the phrase is turned on its head. Here you have progress, but no destination. That’s what I want to do with my life. Get out there and just enjoy existing with those I care about.

I don’t have a destination set, but I’ll be damned if I don’t enjoy myself along the way.

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Venting, Ignore This

I hate myself.

I hate my body. And maybe it’s because I feel like it contradicts my gender, but it’s probably equally likely that I hate it because I’m a half-chested freak with no redeeming qualities. Like, think of the most bland, boring, dull, disgusting man you can think of, and then forget it, because you’re just picturing me. So, physically-wise, yeah, i’m useless.

Oh, and I’ve spent the last 19 years being told every Sunday that the most important aspect of my being is that I am the son of a God who would willingly, knowingly make people gay or trans or bi or whatever just to make them suffer. I’ve been told that I should build my entire life around praising, serving, and worshiping a God who has created untold amounts of pain and suffering for those I hold most dear. I feel like I’m damning myself further with every passing week, and if we’re being entirely honest, I’m afraid that my community is right about this God, and my active defiance of Him is simply sealing my fate of damnation for all eternity.

I can’t stay here any longer, but I’m also terrified of going forward. It’s not like I exactly have any truly marketable skills, so any occupation I get going forward will be the kind that tears out a piece of your soul with every passing minute. And even if I become somewhat stable financially, I’m certain that some unforeseen circumstance will tear down any scrap of happiness I manage to get for myself.

I also have very little social life to speak of. Throughout my life I’ve made a habit of just latching on to anybody who shows me the smallest bit of positive regard, and I live in constant fear that that’s still true. I worry that the ones I care about are just pretending to like me to spare my feelings. Or, if they actually care about me, I’m living in constant fear that I’m expendable, that I’m just a placeholder for something better, something more real. I also fear that the ones that say they love me only love the idea of me, and that their feelings for me will wane once I start failing to live up to the expectations of who I’m supposed to be. I worry that the people I care about take my feelings for granted, that my emotional support isn’t something to be taken seriously, because they know how selfish and broken I am, so they never come to me with their issues, and instead they go to someone more important, someone better. They’re probably right to do that.

I’m constantly touch-starved, but I feel like I ruin everything I touch. I feel like my whole personality is fake, that I’m just what everyone expects of me, and that I don’t have any free thoughts of my own. I want to get help, to be supported emotionally, but I don’t want to be a burden to anyone. Maybe it would just be better for everyone if I just kept playing the roles they expect of me.

I just feel so alone.

I feel so lost.

And I don’t think I deserve to be found.

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On Communication

Communication is the foundation upon which every healthy, successful relationship is built upon. It is how we build connections, share moments, and show that we are in need of help. It’s also something I struggle to do well. Today, I thought I’d talk about that a little bit.

I think that I struggle with communication so much is because I’ve spent most of my life up to this point being lead to believe that I was on my own and that any attempt at communicating my wants or needs would end poorly for me. I have had family members laugh at my dreams and aspirations, I have had “friends” scoff at the mere idea that I was worried about them, and when my first honest-to-God attempt at a relationship started going South fast she silenced me by threatening to ruin me within my peer group.

It isn’t until recently that I have had friends that were encouraging me to communicate, to ask for help and support for the first time in my life, and I will be eternally grateful to them for it. There are still days that I struggle to remember that they won’t reject me for expressing difficulties in my life, or to simply check in on their well-being. It’s slow progress, but it’s progress nonetheless. 

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On Love

Today I want to talk about love and what it means to me.

Throughout my life, I have been taught that there are different types of love and different ways of expressing it. There is Agape: The love between God and man. Eros, I was told, is sexual love, attraction between lovers. There is also Philia: platonic love between friends. Finally, There was Storge: love among families.

I don’t entirely agree with this system. Don’t get me wrong; there are definitely different types of relationships, and different things that are appropriate in each, but I do not think there is more than one type of love.

To me, there is only one type of love. Love is knowing someone, truly knowing someone, both the good and the bad, and accepting them anyway. It’s acknowledging that they have flaws, but only trying to change them if they want to change. it’s standing with them through their victories and their trials. It’s smiling with them when thy laugh, and it’s holding them when they cry. It’s doing your best to be there for them no matter what, and knowing they’ll do exactly the same.

I have little experience with love. I struggle to open up to others. I fear judgement, and rejection, and people forcing me to be something i’m not. I fear that I am merely s placeholder for something better. 

I only truly love eight people in all this world, but I wouldn’t give them up for anything.

Until next time,

-Me

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On Procrastination

Procrastination is something that I’ve struggled with all my life. It’s really hard for me to put off short-term happiness in exchange for long-term happiness. Throughout high school I would put off all major projects for the last week of term. Those were hectic times where I would do three months worth of time in three days. The work I turned in was passable, but not my best work.

Today, I procrastinate less, but I still procrastinate. As a matter of fact, this blog is a perfect example of my procrastination. I had originally intended to start it in September of 2016, towards the start of my senior year, but I kept putting it off, out of fear, or laziness, or a dangerous mix of the two.

So, I guess what I’m saying is don’t be me. If you have a project you want to work on, go get started. If you have a hobby you want to take up, there’s no time like the present to begin. Don’t let the promise of tomorrow be broken by yesterday.

Until next time, 

-Me

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On Countdowns

I sometimes wonder why I count down to things so much.

I feel like my life has been one continuous flow of looking forward to something. Fifteen days To “Rogue One,” then a week to Christmas, then two weeks to my birthday, then five months to graduation, then three hours to two hours to one hour until I see Grey again.

Am I unhappy with my life? Do I keep a constant countdown of arbitrary dates to keep me moving through life? If I looked around myself in the present, would I realize how unhappy I am? Do I give myself a countdown to give my life meaning?

However, perhaps I look forward to things because I’m happy. Maybe I look forward to things because I know that there’s always something good to yet to come. Maybe my life already has meaning, and I count down to the things I do just because I enjoy them.

Maybe it doesn’t matter at all. Maybe I think too much.

Until next time,

-Me

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On Goals and Expectations

We all set out with goals in mind, whether they be for a relationship, a job, or a hobby. We go into something expecting it to go a certain way. We anticipate things going as we hope; we count on it, even.

I think something that we forget, though, is that there are circumstances beyond our control. Life happens. Unexpected snags occur, hindering our plans. People come along with their own plans, diverting or sometimes completely stopping our own. Sometimes, the thing that gets in the way of your plans is yourself making decisions in the short term that impact the long-term.

I think the most important thing to remember is while things may not go the way we plan, we should never give up, regardless of our current situations. When I was thirteen years old I had an image in my head of where I was going to go in life and what I was going to do. However, then life happened. Little things happened that took me away from the image of where I was going. And yet I look back on where I thought I should be going and I realize that I wouldn’t really be happy there.

I am not who I thought I’d be, but I wouldn’t want to be anyone else.

Until next time,

-Me

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On Winter

I hate the winter months.

Now, don’t get me wrong, the lower temperatures are a good excuse to stay indoors, the snow can be fun to play in, and the winter holidays are always my favorite. No, my issue with winter is the darkness.

Before Daylight Savings, the sun sets around 7:30 PM, but after it is set by 6:30 PM. It only gets worse as the season progresses; by the start of December the sun sets at 5:00 PM and it stays like that for the entire month. It’s just so dark. I hate it.

Mind you, it’s not as bad as it used to be. I don’t walk home from work anymore, I’m spending less of my time alone, and I’m not nearly as afraid of the dark as I used to be. I still don’t like the dark, so I still don’t like the long winter nights, but I think I’ll be okay.

Until next time,

-Me

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On Music

Bit of a different post today. I just thought I’d share ten of my favorite songs and why I like them.

Linkin Park - “Sharp Edges”

I only heard this one about a week ago, but I instantly fell in love with the lyrics and the themes of learning from your own actions and persevering in the face of failure.

Relient K - “Who I Am Hates Who I’ve Been”

This one is kind of sentimental to me because I would listen to it on a loop while I did a ton of homework the last week before the end of term throughout high school. I was a bad student, but this song kept me going.

Logic - “1-800-273-8255″

Linkin Park - “Heavy”

These two were introduced to me by Miss Grey, so they will always be linked to her in my mind. I heard them both when we were both going through rough patches in our lives. Today, these songs remind me of the mutual support we gave each other and continue to give each other in our lives.

All-American Rejects - “Gives You Hell”

P!nk - “Slut Like You”

These songs I listen to for my own personal satisfaction. As previously mentioned, I have grown up in a Christian household, more specifically Mormon. In our home, straying away from the church’s standards was and still is frowned upon, despite the church’s emphasis on personal choice. “Slut Like You” is an anthem of sexual liberation to me, while “Gives You Hell” matches my personal feelings about finding happiness outside of Mormonism. A musical “fuck you,” if you will.

Fun. - “Carry On”

This one is easy enough. I just like it as a reminder to keep going, regardless of the hardships we face in life.

Nas, Dave East, Lin-Manuel Miranda, and Aloe Blacc - “Wrote My Way Out”

A strong, passionate song from “The Hamilton Mixtape,” “Wrote My Way Out” connected with me in a time in my life when I felt I had little control in my life, and it helped me to find the motivation to take more control of the situation.

All-American Rejects - “Dirty Little Secret”

“Dirty Little Secret” feels like a mirror reflecting my childhood and community back at me. It seems like everyone around here wants to give off the illusion of perfection to the community, and so hide their fears, differences, and insecurities from the rest of the world. None of us are perfect, we all know that none of us are perfect, and yet we go about pretending that we are perfect. It drives me insane, and it’s one of the reasons I dislike the local culture.

Ed Sheeran - “Castle on the Hill”

Another song introduced to me by Grey, “Castle on the Hill” is a fun upbeat song that reminds me of my friends. I have grown a lot as a person thanks to them, and I hope to continue to grow in their company. Sheeran himself said it best with the lyrics “these people raised me and I can’t wait to go home.”

Until next time, 

-Me

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On Solitude

Growing up, I was socially awkward and not close with my siblings, so I spent most of my time alone. I spent most of my time reading, watching movies and TV, and playing video games. Looking back, I think I was lonelier than I’d like to admit, as I also spent a great deal of my time talking to myself, or more specifically talking to fictional characters.

Across middle and high school, little improved. My attempts to make friends comprised of me latching onto those who showed me even the smallest amount of positive regard. However, I also struggled with opening up to others, so I never made any lasting friendships, with perhaps the exception of my popular literature teacher, Mr Gagnier, who shared many of my interests.

Only after high school have I made my first two lasting friendships. Miss Grey, who was in my history class in school, kind of just appeared in my life a couple years ago and hasn’t left. I can’t even describe how we became such close friends. It seems like one moment we were casually messaging each other through Tumblr, and the next moment I was accompanying her on shopping trips while she shared with me her harrowing tales of miniature Christus statues.

Mr Shaw, on the other hand, has been a less spontaneous friendship, withus bonding over common interests and talking about the struggles we each have in our lives. I am nevertheless equally grateful for the both of them, as I consider them to be the ones who know me best in all the world.

There are still days where I struggle with loneliness. Days where I fear I am too clingy, or that I’m being imposing. There are days when I’m hard on myself, but I think I’ll be okay.

Until next time,

-Me

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On Holidays

With Thanksgiving just past in the US, I thought I’d share some of by thoughts on holidays.

New Year’s Eve has been a mixed bag for me. On the one hand, my family has had several fun ones in the past, mostly comprising of game nights and over-eating of junk food left over from Christmas. In recent years, however, things have become less interesting, with the last New Year’s seeing me browsing the web completely unaware of the change of year.

Valentine’s Day hasn’t really meant much to me. I suspect that may have something to do with the fact that I’ve never been in a relationship at all, let alone on Valentine’s Day. I was asked to the Sweetheart’s Dance in junior and senior year of high school. Seeing as I never went on a second date with either girl, through no fault of theirs, you can probably guess how those went.

Easter has always been a simple affair, with the highlight being the annual receiving of a new book. Easter Sundays have usually been spent quietly reading at my grandmother’s house while my younger cousins hunted Easter eggs in her yard.

The Fourth of July is middling for me. I have no reason to love it, but also have no reason to hate it, either.

The twenty-fourth of July, celebrated in my home state of Utah as Pioneer Day, falls into the same category as the Fourth. July 24th 2016 will always be linked in my mind to the events leading to my first kiss, but that is a story for another time.

Halloween was a favorite of mine as a child that has since fallen by the wayside. I enjoyed going out trick-or-treating, but I really don’t like scary media or Halloween parties, so the whole holiday has been less enjoyable the older I get.

Thanksgiving is still enjoyable enough. The family traditionally alternates between my parent’s families. The issue with that is while my mother was the first on her side to get married, my father was the last. This leads to a major age gap between myself and my siblings and our cousins. While my cousins on my dad’s side are all getting married and pregnant, the cousins on my mom’s side are all still in middle school, so it’s kind of awkward. The dinner conversation is a bit of a political minefield now, but it’s one of the only times I get to see all of my direct family together, so I can’t complain.

Christmas has to be my favorite holiday. This year is probably the first time in my life I’m looking forward to the season, rather than just the day itself. It helps that the night is brighter in the Christmas season. I really just like the holiday season in general, and with this being my first year that I don’t have to worry about schoolwork, I finally get to just enjoy the month of December.

Until next time, 

-Me

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An Introduction

I was going to save this for New Year’s, but as Meredith Wilson is quoted with saying: “You pile up enough tomorrows and you’ll be left with nothing but a bunch of empty yesterdays.” So this is me, starting a proper blog.

So, by way of introduction: hello. I’m Matthew. I am eighteen years old. I was raised Christian, but I left the church due to conflicts of personal beliefs. My hobbies include going to movies, reading, and building LEGO models. I identify as democrat, but I promise to keep politics to a minimum.

I think that’s about it for an introduction. I’ll try to write daily, but I am forgetful, and can’t promise anything.

Until next time,

- Me