defensemechanism

[defensemechanism]

Pro-writing tip: if your story doesn't need a number, don't put a fucking number in it.

Nothing, I mean nothing, activates reader pedantry like a number.

I have seen it a thousand times in writing workshops. People just can't resist nitpicking a number. For example, "This scifi story takes place 200 years in the future and they have faster than light travel because it's plot convenient," will immediately drag every armchair scientist out of the woodwork to say why there's no way that technology would exist in only 200 years.

Dates, ages, math, spans of time, I don't know what it is but the second a specific number shows up, your reader is thinking, and they're thinking critically but it's about whether that information is correct. They are now doing the math and have gone off drawing conclusions and getting distracted from your story or worse, putting it down entirely because umm, that sword could not have existed in that Medieval year, or this character couldn't be this old because it means they were an infant when this other story event happened that they're supposed to know about, or these two events now overlap in the timeline, or... etc etc etc.

Unless you are 1000% certain that a specific number is adding to your narrative, and you know rock-solid, backwards and forwards that the information attached to that number is correct and consistent throughout the entire story, do yourself a favor, and don't bring that evil down upon your head.

[defensemechanism]

Ben was not a worrier -That was more Matty's thing- but he couldn't stop worrying about you. He didn't understand the why of it exactly, but he knew that he had hurt you, because you had never stayed away from him for this long. In all your years of friendship there had been arguments and hurt feelings before, but taking no more than a day or two apart had always been enough time to cool off and prepare yourselves to apologize.

At this point it had been over a month since you spoke. You actively ignored him when you saw him in the hall or on the street and you had definitely blocked his number. He didn't know how to do this, how to be away from you. You usually texted through out the day and called when you got off of work. You saw each other every day and hung out almost every night. What the hell was he supposed to do now? He could have gone and picked someone up at a bar. It would have been a good distraction for a few days, but now that he had finally admitted out loud what he'd always believed - that he was meant to be with you- the idea of sex with a stranger didn't appeal to him at all.

An awful ache had taken up residence in his chest from missing you. The career that he loved wasn't bringing him quite the same joy it usually did. He lost interest in his hobbies, likely due to the fact that they were mostly activities you enjoyed doing together. It didn't help that all of your friends were mutual friends. He kept showing up to everything they planned if only long enough to see if you showed up too. You didn't. He saw a little bit of light at the end of the tunnel however. Ziff's birthday was coming up and he doubted you would snub Ziff just to avoid someone you were mad at.

On the night of the party, Ben took care with his appearance. He wore the navy blue henley you had gifted him some birthday or Hanu-mas ago and the watch he always wore, the one you got him when he got promoted. It was strange, he was anxious to see you and yet he suddenly was as nervous as he'd been going on his first date in high school. He stopped by a liquor store and picked up a 12 pack of a local brewery IPA before heading to Jess's apartment.

He greeted everyone he knew, keeping his eyes peeled for you in the small pver crowded space.

"You left without me." Matt complained his expression one of disappointment.

"My bad. I have a lot on my mind." Ben knew his apology sucked, but it was honest.

Ziff caught sight of him and came over to him.

"Hey, man. Haven't seen you in a while."

They clasped hands briefly.

"Hey, Happy Birthday." Ben managed a smile.

"Thanks." Ziff grinned. "So, you guys gonna do a shot with me or what?"

Matt gazed warily at his brother.

"Alright.Just one." Ben said easily.

Matt frowned.

Ben set up the cups and Ziff poured a generous amount of vodquila in each cup.

They tapped their cups against each other and downed the shots.

"Shit." Matt griped. "What was that?"

"The ultimate buzz." Ziff chuckled.

Jess took hold of his arm.

"Sorry guys, I need to borrow him for a second." She flashed her white teeth at them in a perfect smile before she led him away to greet guests.

It wasn't until after Ben had transferred his 12 pack into an ice chest that he heard your voice coming from somewhere behind him. He froze for a second, dreading the moment you would see him and give him the cold shoulder. Then Ben turned and his nervousness, his anxiety of you rejecting him yet again disappeared at the sight of the man by your side. His intense dislike of Poe Dameron overshadowed it all.

He left the kitchen, Matt trailing along behind him as he headed toward you.

"I have a bad feeling about-" Matt started to say, but he interupted.

"Dameron." Ben called the attention of the older man.

Poe's eyebrow raised as he saw who had called his name.

"Didn't expect to see you here." He added.

"With her, you mean?" Poe stood a little ahead of you as if to protect you. "Nothing unites people like a common enemy."

Ben scoffed at that.

"I told her the entire time we were together that you weren't a real friend that you wanted to fuck her and she told me I was nuts for thinking that way.Guess it doesn't seem so crazy now." He bit off.

"Poe!" You admonished.

But Ben's focus was drawn to one phrase and one phrase only. 'We were together. Were.'

"I'm in love with her. There's a big difference between wanting to fuck somebody and loving them, but of course you wouldn't know that."

[defensemechanism]

You sat up. Your head was swimmy and your bleary vision did not make matters better. You seemed to be in a rectangular sort of box. Surrounded on three sides by black metal bars. Your head very nearly touched the wood above you. You ran your tongue over your dry lips and tried to shake your brain from it's sluggishness. From where you were you could see the entire room. The small space seemed more appropriate for a home office than a bedroom. As your eyes roamed over the oak dresser, the ceramic lamp with it's accordian shade, the powder blue walls, something began to pick at your memory. You blinked a few times and more details came into focus. A model car sat a top the dresser next to it, a picture of you, Ben, and his brothers standing on the dock. At once you knew where you were, The Organa-Solo's lake house. It seemed Matt and Kylo had taken away the twin sized trundle bed you and Ben used to sleep in and replaced it with a full sized bed. Apart from that and the box you were in, the room had stayed the same. You swallowed to ease your sore throat and felt something strange around your neck. You touched the soft velvet and in the middle found a metal hoop. A seed of dread began to grow in your belly as your fingers ran over an engraved metal heart. Your hand fluttered lower to find you were no longer wearing the loose tshirt you remembered having on when you were attacked. You looked down at your almost bare body. Dread became horror when you saw the unfamiliar lace bra and panty set.They had dressed you while you were unconscious. You felt embarrassed. You felt ashamed. "You're awake." Matt said evenly. You did your best to cover both your chest and your belly with your arms. He just smiled. "You must be thirsty." He came over to you, a bottle of water in hand. You squirmed as far back as you could get when he came up to the box. He tilted the water bottle and poked the straw through the bars. You looked from the bottle to him and back. "Don't worry. It's just water." You shook your head. "Drink."  A nerve in his cheek twitched. You had long thought of Matt as sweet, nice, completely harmless, but now you doubted your assessment of him. You brought your nose to the rim of the bottle and sniffed. You smelled nothing strange so you took a sip. "Good girl." Your eyebrows met in consternation. You took more water. It eased the discomfort of your throat a bit."I need to talk to Ben." You implored. "I shouldn't be here." "Ben's not here." Kylo informed you as he came to stand beside Matt. "You just missed him." The look of satisfaction on his face as his gaze raked over your body made your stomach sour with nausea. "Please, let me go." You tried again."Please."

[defensemechanism]

You sat up and immediately felt something around your neck. You couldn't see it in your peripheral vision. You reached up and found your wrists were bound together. Under your fingertips you felt the leather. When you moved you heard the sound of a metal chain being dragged along the floor. Your fingers fumbled as you tried to touch the back of the collar, but if there was a way of detaching yourself, you couldn't get to it. You rolledto the edge of the bed, let your legs fall over the side of it and tried to muster up the courage to stand. It was then that you noticed the unfamiliar attire. You had a love-hate relationship with your big thighs, which is why you steered clear of shorts and skirts that ended above your knees. You closed your eyes and opened them again. The burgundy lace bra and panty set were still the only thing you were wearing.

"You're awake." Matt said evenly.

You did your best to cover both your chest and your belly with your arms.

He just smiled.

"You must be thirsty." He held out a glass of water to you.

You looked from the cup to him and back.

"Oh, don't worry. It's just water."

You shook your head.

He pushed the glass into your hands.

"Drink."  A nerve in his cheek twitched.

You had long thought of Matt as sweet, nice, completely harmless, but now you doubted your assessment of him.

You brought the water to your nose and sniffed. You smelled nothing strange so you took a drink.

"Good girl."

Your eyebrows met in consternation.

"Do you need anything else?" He asked.

You nodded.

"I need to talk to Ben."

"Ben's not here." Kylo informed you as he came to stand beside Matt. "You just missed him."

The satisfied look on his face as he eyed the chain around your neck and then your body made your stomach sour with nausea.

"He'll come by to see you soon." Matt took the glass from you.

"You can't seriously mean to keep me here." You said to Kylo. "People will know I'm missing and when the cops start asking questions, Ben's the first person they'll want to talk to."

"Whose going to know? Your job will fire you for not showing up and anybody who questions us is going to be told the same thing." He schooled his features into an expression of mock concern. "We have no idea where she moved to. She made it clear she wanted nothing more to do with us and we respected her decision."

A wave of terror rolled over you.

"But my phone-" It was all you could think to say.

"They'll never find your phone." He snapped.

"And all my stuff..."

"Your stuff? Oh, you mean the boxes you packed up? They're downstairs. Don't worry, we've made sure not to leave a single thing behind."

You shuddered. He was so calm, so unemotional.

"You can't do this to me!"

"We already have." He scoffed. They walked away, closing the door behind them.

Regardless of what Kylo said you still doubted the reality of your circumstances. Surely you were hallucinating. You hadn't slept in a while that must be it. Kylo and Matt, they would never take a person and chain them up. Over the years you had gotten to know them.Not as well as you knew Ben, but still neither man seemed unstable or cruel. Sure Kylo was a bit stand offish , but you chalked that up to a difference in interests and personality. You simply didn't get along. And sure Matt kept his distance, but he was shy and you weren't the type to pull someone out of their' shell. There was nothing you could have done to deserve this from them. What had you done to deserve this at all? You were a good person(mostly). You were responsible (kind of). You treated people with respect and kindness. You could not picture a sin heinous enough to deserve your current circumstances.

On further inspection, the room was much the same as the last time you were there. Ben's dresser with the dinosaur stickers the two of you had placed all over it, a couple of model cars sat at the top along with a picture of you, Ben, and his brothers standing on the dock, the lake behind you. Matt and Kylo had taken away the twin sized beds you used to sleep in and centered a full sized bed against the far wall.

Once it clicked that you had been left to your own devices, you set about trying to remove the chain. You had enough slack to walk the perimeter of the bed, but not much more than that. You used your thighs and hips to move the bed away from the wall. The chain was soldered to a hoop in the lower part of the wall and though you yanked with your feet against the base boards for leverage, using your weight against it, it wouldn't budge. You cried your anger into the floorboards and when you had finally run out of tears, you climbed back into the bed and tried for the reprieve of sleep.

You lay between Ben and the wall in his twin sized bed. You felt a little smushed, but very safe.

"Ben."

"Hmm?"

"Are you awake?"

You felt around for his hand in the dark, but you couldn't find it.

"Ben?"

There was no answer and suddenly you were alone in the cold, in the dark.

You gasped. The room was shadowed in late twilight. You could just make out the outline of Matt pushing the bed back into place. Your eyes followed him as he went to the dresser. He turned on a lamp and yellow light broke through the dark.

"Here, eat." He was holding a paper plate with a sandwich on it. He held half the sandwich up in front of your mouth. You clamped your lips together.

He sighed at the suspicious look on your face. Matt held your gaze as he took a bite. You watched him chew and swallow before you were willing to take a bite of your own. You hadn't known you were hungry until your first bite. He fed you patiently. When you were finished you tried to think of something to say to him, something to break through what you were sure was a momentary lack of judgement.

"Why are you-"

His thick fingers went under your chin. You gasped. He tilted your face up. His thumb swiped a few stray crumbs from the corner of your mouth. His cocoa colored eyes zeroed in on your lips. The tip of his thumb pressed along your bottom lip. Your breath quickened.

"Matthias." Kylo called from the doorway.

Matt's hand fell away from your face. He picked up the plate and left.

You stared after him.This wasn't the first time you had seen that look in his eyes. It was however, the first time you knew what it meant.You were in danger.

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

You woke from a fitful sleep to find the room filled with sunlight.

"This is what's going to happen."

You jumped at the sound of Kylo's voice. He sat in the corner of the room, fully dressed and watching your every move. You sat up slowly.

"I will unbind your hands, take you to the bathroom and you will do your business."

You swallowed as a balm to your dry throat.

"But you aren't going to try anything stupid, because if you do I will have to hurt you and we don't want that, do we?"

You shook your head.

"Good." Kylo took hold of your elbows and helped you to stand. Then he untied the cord from around your wrists. He reached into his back pocket and pulled out a short leash. You felt him messing with the chain and heard it drop. He stepped back once he'd attached the leash to the back of your collar.

"On your knees." His hand pushed on your shoulder.

"What?"

"Get on your knees."

"No."

He wrapped the leash around his hand and pulled you down. You cried out. He didn't relent until you did as he'd commanded. You felt heat rise to your face. In your entire life you had never been so humiliated.

"Come." He led you on your hands and knees all the way into the restroom.

"You may stand."

You waited for him to leave.

"Well go on." He said expectantly.

"You can't be serious?"

He pulled your leash bending you viciously.

"I am serious. Now hurry up."

With shakey hands you lowered your panties and sat on the toilet. He remained there holding the leash the entire time. He didn't even give you the courtesy of turning around.

As you washed your hands you looked at your reflection in the mirror and a decision was made.You stuck your elbow out and threw your weight at him. The blow landed right in his side.

He groaned and began to sway as though he'd lose his balance. You managed to squeeze yourself halfway between Kylo and the wall. Your wet hands reached for the doorknob, your fingers found purchase as Kylo's knee collided with your stomach. You lost your breath. Wheezing you tried to suck in air that wouldn't go down. He pressed hard on your shoulder and you went on your hands and knees. You coughed, gasping twice more for air before your lungs accepted breath. The door was thrown open. Kylo yanked the leash forcing you forward by the neck. You scrambled across the wood flooring after him, failing to keep up. You cringed under his furious glare as he reattached you to the chain.

He pointed at the bed.

"Lay."

You shook your head, a horrendous thought passing through your mind.

He slapped you across the face. The force sent you tumbling backward onto your bottom. You brought your hand to your stinging cheek in disbelief.

"Get on the fucking bed." He barked.

"No!"

He uttered a growl of frustration. Kylo hooked his fingers into the collar, dragging you forward, the band tightened, choking you. You fell forward clawing at your throat. His big hand smacked your ass.

You tried to move away, but he held you in place. His palm hit your butt cheek again and again in an unrelenting assault. The muscles of your backside were tensed for each slap. He didn't stop until your skin tingled with numbness and your pride had been wrecked.

His breathing was heavy as he pointed to the bed and said again, "Lay."

You got up on trembling legs and got onto the bed. You flinched as your butt touched the mattress and turned over onto your belly. You turned your face away from him. He came up behind you and positioned your arms as though you were being arrested before he bound your wrists again.

"Stay. You will stay like this until I tell you otherwise. Do you understand?"

"Yes." You sniffed. You didn't want to cry in front of him. It would make him feel even more superior. You wouldn't give him the satisfaction. You heard the door close and attempted to swallow your rage.

[defensemechanism]

"Will you just-" Ben paced the room as he had yet another arguement over the phone with his current girlfriend.

"That's not true.Y/n loves you!"

You did not love her.

He ran his hands through his hair.

"Hey! Don't talk about her like that. She's been nothing, but nice to you."

You started to stand.

"Of course I care about you."

He held up a finger asking you to wait.

"Cuddle bear," He crooned, "Why are we fighting. Don't you love your Benny wenny?"

You cringed.

His expression darkened.

"If that's what you think of me then maybe we shouldn't be together anymore."

You looked away.

"Yeah.Real mature." He bit off and hung up.

A minute passed and then two and Ben remained uncharacteristically quiet.

You watched him out of your peripheral vision, concerned.

So many failed relationships and sexlationships and they came to an end because he was friends with you. One day, he would realize whose fault it really was.One day, he would tell you he regretted choosing your friendship. Your stomach clenched with anxiety at the thought of losing the closest friend you had.

Ben's deep sigh brought you out of your thoughts.

"So, You ready to lose those twenty bucks?"

"Pfft...You're the one whose losing money. My fave is winning."

"Ha! We'll see."

You hit play. As the last players standing met face to face for the first time, You realized you were more interested in teasing him about losing than you were in actually winning. Your eyes kept flicking over to Ben's expressive face to watch his reactions.It made watching tv with him even more entertaining.

On screen the final three competitors held hands waiting to be pronounced the winner, You watched Ben. To your surprise, his ochre flecked brown eyes met yours. You laughed lightly and turned your attention back to the screen.

"And the winner..." The host began.

You felt the bed jostle a bit, but your eyes didn't dare stray from the screen.

"... of The Circle is -" The screen went still.

You blinked. A symbol appeared in the middle of the screen to show it had been paused.A giggle rose out of you despite your annoyance. You meant to look over your shoulder at him and call him an asshole. You meant to, but when you turned, Ben was beside you. Before you could react, he leaned in and kissed you. His full lips molded gently to yours. His large hand cupped the side of your face. Warmth and familiarity coaxed you to kiss him back for a moment, then Ben attempted to slip his tongue into your mouth. You pulled away. There was a time when a stunt like this would have angered you, but you had known Ben long enough to know he hadn't meant any harm.

You shook your head and chuckled.

He blinked slowly, dazed.

"Did I really kiss you senseless, Solo?" You teased and pushed at his shoulder.

He didn't laugh or smile like you expected him to.

He looked into your eyes, his expression serious.

"You kissed me back."

You raised an eyebrow at his behavior.

"You kissed me first."

"This isn't funny, Y/n."

You rolled your eyes.

"Well what did you want me to do, slap you?"

"No!"

"Then?"

"You could've kept kissing me back..."

You sat up searching his face for intention.

"You shouldn't be kissing me at all."

He frowned.

"Why not?"

"Are you fucking serious?"

"Yeah. I mean, we were always gonna end up together and we're not getting any younger." He looked to you expectantly.

You ran a hand over your face.

"Just how long has this dumbass idea been kicking around in your head?"

Ben frowned.

"I don't know, always?"

"Always?!" Your voice raised in shock and anger. "You mean to tell me through out our entire friendship, you have been expecting- What? What have you been expecting?"

A blush rose coloring his neck and ears in reddish pink. He swallowed.

"Well, eventually we could get married, maybe have some kids, I guess."

"You. Guess." Your eyes welled with unshed tears.

"Mhmm..."

You took a stuttered breath and got up.

"It shouldn't be a surprise to you."

You shook your head not wanting to hear anymore.

"We had sex."

"For fuck sake! We were teenagers! That was a long time ago."

He scoffed.

"Not that long ago."

"I can't believe I thought you were my best friend." You wiped away the tears trailing down your cheeks.

You spotted your fuzzy slippers by the door and stepped into them.

"Why can't I be your best friend and your-"

"No!" You snatched your favorite blanket from the foot of the bed. "No." You repeated turning away.

You hurried to the front door.

"Y/n!" He called after you as you stepped out into the hallway.

Ignoring him, you sprinted to your door, an apartment two doors over from his. You took your keys out of your pocket and hastily unlocked your door.

Ben caught up with you before you could close it. He stuck his foot in the way.

"Don't do this, Y/n."

The tears you had been fighting began to fall.

"Get out of the way." You demanded.

"No."

"Help!" You cried out. "Help me! Poe!"

"What the fuck?!" Ben complained.

Your room mate came running out to your aid in nothing but a pair of grey sweat pants.

His gaze narrowed when he saw it was Ben you needed saving from.

"Get the fuck away from her, Solo."

"Fuck you, Dameron."

"Move or I'll move you."

"We'll call the police." Your steely gaze made Ben flinch. He stepped back slowly. You closed the door in his face.

Poe locked the door and deadbolt.

You couldn't hold your emotions back any longer. You sobbed into your hands as your tears rolled down your face in droves.

You didn't want to be alone tonight.Not after finding out the person you trusted most in the world had been lying to you for years. You felt your world go off kilter. You needed to feel safe. You needed to be comforted. So despite having hardly been on speaking terms since your break up, Poe took you into his arms and held you as you fell apart.

•••••••••••••••••••

You stayed in bed all of Saturday. Sunday morning, you didn't wake up until eleven. The late morning light made your room too warm. You got up. Your shoulders felt as though something heavy was sitting on them. Not bothering to change out of your tank top and sleep shorts you made your way to the kitchen. The cinnamon and coffee smell of cafè de olla still lingered in the room from when Poe had made it earlier. You looked around bleary eyed, emersing yourself in a moment of irreality before you fully greeted your waking conscious.Then you rubbed your eyes and flipped on the light switch.

After turning on the keurig, you reached for your favorite cup and set it under the dispenser. It was Ben's turn to make breakfast. You were supposed to go over with the raspberries and peach cranberry juice you had bought.You heard your phone chime and remembered your entire friendship had been a lie.There was an aching in your chest.You might have cried if you'd had any tears left.You tried to ignore your pain. You searched through the pantry for a packet of cookies.

Your eyes scanned the shelves for the orange packet. You started to move a few cans aside, but paused when you heard knocking. You waited, hoping it wouldn't happen again. The knocking started again, louder.

You exhaled through your nose. You seriously needed to consider moving.

Even though you had an idea of who it was, you peered through the peephole before you opened the door.

"H-hey, Y/n." Matt's nervous smile did not boad well for you.

"What's wrong, Matty?"

"I, well, I don't know exactly." A nerve in his cheek twitched. "I was hoping you would know, did Ben say anything to you about what's bothering him?"

You sighed. You did not want to have this conversation with him.

"What'sherface broke up with him."

Matt frowned.

"I don't think that's it."

"I think it is." You said and began to close the door.

"W-wait!"

You raised an eyebrow.

"I thought you might be able to help?" He asked with hope in his eyes.

"No." You shook your head and firmly closed the door.

Your phone chimed a few times in quick succession. As you entered the kitchen, your ringtone started to play.

You poured creamer into your coffee cup and took the mug with you to your room.

The tone started to play again. Annoyed, you accepted the call despite not recognizing the number.

"Hello?"

"What the fuck did you do to my brother?" Kylo demanded angrily.

"Why the fuck do you have my phone number?"

"Get over here and fix what you broke."

"I didn't break shit."

"You ran out of here on Friday night and He's been drinking ever since. You expect me to believe you had nothing to do with this?"

After four years of a frat boyesque college experience, Ben had mostly given up drinking.You closed your eyes and took a deep breath. You let it out slowly.

"I'll be right there."

You waited until you had finished your cup of coffee to throw on your robe and slippers. Tucking your keys into the pocket of your robe, you shut your door behind you and went to face the triplets.

••••••••••••••••••••••••••

The door was ajar so you let yourself in. You followed Ben's voice to the kitchen.

"I lost her. I have nothing. I got no future." Ben slurred.

"You do have a future. You have a career. You have friends and family that-"

"Won't mean anything without her. None of it."

You winced as you caught sight of him. Ben was sitting on the kitchen floor, his hair mussed and damp with sweat. God you wished you hadn't heard him say a word of it. You wished you could rewind time and leave while he was still on that phone call.

Matt's eyes begged you for help. He picked up a cup and filled it with water. Then he leaned down toward Ben.

"Here, drink this. You'll feel better."

Ben waved him away.

"I won't."

You swallowed nervously. You stepped forward and reached for the cup. Matt handed it over to you.

"Ben."

His dialated eyes had the barest rim of their natural tawny color as they gazed up at you.

"Y/n!" He scrambled forward. His arms went around your hips. He clung to you like he was drowning and you were the only thing that could save him.

You patted his shoulder as he cried. His tears wetting your robe.

"I love you." He sobbed. "I love you."

Your eyes widened.

"Stop it! No, you don't."

He went on as though he hadn't heard you.

"Please, don't go." He begged.

He looked up at you again, his tears still flowing.

"Drink some of this." You said gentley and offered him the water.

"Only if you stay?"

You sighed.

"I'll stay for a little while."

He sniffed. He accepted the cup and drank half of it.

You should think it was pathetic, Ben making a bad time worse by getting drunk off his ass, but you didn't. It was evidence that he felt as bad as you did.

"Alright, we need to get him up."

You took one arm and Matt the other. Ben struggled against you.

"Just let me stay here."

You bent down and put his arm over your shoulders. Matt did the same. Unfortunately your height difference left Matt bearing most of his weight.

Together you walked him to his bedroom. You helped Ben into bed. He reached for you.

"Don't go."

You took a calming breath and went to the other side of the bed to sit next to him.

You took his hand in yours.

He stared at you as though you could disappear at any second.

"I'm not gonna lie. You really fucked up."

His pained expression didn't move you.

"I'm sorry."

"I know." You patted the back of his hand. "But you hurt me.We need to take some time apart to figure things out."

"I'm sorry.Please don't go."

There were those words again.This was so much worse than a break up.Since the day you had met in second grade, your lives had become entwined. This seperation was brutal and you had only really been apart for a day.

You helped him sit up to drink the vitamin water Kylo brought him.

"So, you came afterall." Kylo stated. His dark eyes regarded you with distaste.

You bit back the 'fuck you' that had been sitting on the tip of your tongue and turned your attention back to Ben. His bloodshot eyes continued to gaze upon you until he couldn't keep them open anymore and fell asleep.

•••••••••••••••••••••

He sent you a bouquet of roses in peach, blush, and white on Monday. The gorgeous arrangement was sent to your office. Normally, you would have displayed such a gift with pride. Instead it was a somber reminder that your best friend was not who you thought he was.

On Wednesday, a delivery service showed up with take out from your favorite restaurant. The thought of accepting it made your stomach bubble with anxiety. You gave the meal away to a coworker.

Friday came. A box of chocolate covered strawberries was on your desk when you got back from the weekly meeting. You wanted to throw the box, frisbee style at Ben's head and pelt him with the strawberries. Instead you took them to the break room with a note saying everyone could help themselves.

He texted you in the evening asking you if he could come over to talk. You'd had enough. You stalked across the hallway to the triplets' door and knocked.

The door was yanked open quickly.

"Hi." Ben's over eager expression had you balling your hands into fists. His eyes ate up the sight of you.

"I want you to stop sending me things."

"You didn't like the strawberries?" He asked, disappointment in his voice.

"I'm not a girlfriend you had some idiotic arguement with. Your gifts are a slap in the face." You fumed.

His brow furrowed. Did he truly not understand?

"I'm someone who has been there for you almost your whole life. You took my trust and ripped it to shreds. You aren't the person I thought you were."

The hurt in his eyes burned your patience up.

"I haven't changed from last week to now. You know who I am."

"Yeah, I know who you are. You're the guy whose been lying to me for years. I can hardly stand to look at you. I can't begin to think of what it would take to fix this." You turned away.

"I don't know either," He called after you, "but I promise I'm gonna figure it out."

He called you once a day. You let it go to voicemail each time. You had sent him a text on Monday that basically reiterated what you had told him on Sunday. Then you had blocked his number. He still called you from Matt's phone, his office, and even from Kylo's number. You wished he wouldn't, but letting sleeping dogs lay was not Ben's forté.

You changed the song that was playing. Your mind reminded you of the memory anyway. You and Ben dancing in the kitchen of the Organa-Solo's lake house even after everyone else had called it quits and gone to bed. You shook your head as though to clear it and went back to your work.

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••

[defensemechanism]

"Louder, I can't hear you." Frankie's gruff voice panted in your ear.You hadn't been so wet before. Santi's guttural moans of pleasure made you even wetter.Frankie's long cock dragged along the walls of your pussy as he thrust in and pulled out of you. The wet sucking noises were getting you hotter. "It's yours. My pussy is yours. Fuck!" He angled his hips in just the right way to hit your g spot. You cried out.Now with each thrust his shaft stroked that oh so sensitive place inside you. Your toes curled.He looked at you through hooded eyes, taking his pleasure as he gave you yours.His tan skin was covered in a light sheen of sweat. Your hands roamed over his pecks."God you look so good like this." Santi groaned from his chair in the corner.You turned to watch him stroke his thick cock. His hand moved quickly along his shaft. Your eyes met his chocolate brown eyes and you moaned as Frankie's thrusting became rougher.His hips rolled into yours. He ground himself against you, the friction stimulating your clitoris.Santi was the first to come. You locked eyes with him as his orgasm took hold. He shuddered and groaned as cum dribbled out of his cock and onto his hand.The sight sent you over the edge. You clenched around Frankie's dick, your eyes rolled back in your head as a gradual wave of fervent rapture freed you. Frankie 's hips shook, thrusting once more into you before he filled you with his cum. The sensual feeling danced along your skin like static electricity for sometime afterwards.Frankie smiled softly at you. Then he rolled onto his back to lay down beside you. "That was..." You searched for a word fitting of your experience."Better than what you expected?" Santi offered, standing beside you. You turned onto your side to allow him to get into bed behind you."When I said I didn't know which one of you I wanted to sleep with, I had no idea both was an option."Frankie chuckled lightly."Neither did I.""So you've never done this before?""Nope." Frankie answered."Never." Santi wrapped an arm around your middle. You felt his warm lips against your shoulder as he pressed kiss after kiss to your skin. "But would you do it again?""For you? Definitely."Frankie nodded in agreement.

[defensemechanism]

Writing Advice

I’m gonna throw in some of my favourite pieces of writing advice, since you guys liked the last post on the subject. 

1. Master the scientific method, and apply it to your writing - not only your work, but your actions as a writer, like where and when you write. Take the time to figure out what works for you, and how it works. That way, when something stops working, or you can’t do it any more, you’ll have some idea on how to address the problem. 

For example - I write best in the morning, as a rule, before I get tired, but I do some of my best dialogue in the evening, so if I’m stuck on dialogue I’ll come back to it after dinner. If I have a busy morning and can’t write then, a little nap may help to reset my brain creatively. If I can’t do that, watching or reading something particularly well-written can help inspire me to emulation. 

2. If you get really stuck, especially in a high-octane part of the narrative, go back and check how long it’s been since your character(s) last had a chance to eat, sleep, or go to the toilet. Even if you didn’t explicitly describe the action, a sentence like ‘later that day’ or ‘the next morning’ tells your readers ‘yes, they’ve had chance at a nap and a whizz’. If it’s been too long, you and your character may both have Action Fatigue, and need a down-time scene to reset. 

(One of my favourite Star Trek novels of all time features a character finding herself in the position of having to ask THE Commander Spock for permission to tinkle while on bridge duty. By the time she comes out, the Klingons have arrived. One of the best uses of ‘the bladder waits for no narrative’ I’ve ever read, and it worked perfectly as a brief break in the intensity followed by ‘oh no, now it’s worse’.) 

3. The Wall. The Wall was something we got warned about a lot in the early days of NaNoWriMo, though I don’t see it as much these days. Basically, at a point between 18K and 25K in a novel-length endeavour, most people (especially beginning writers) suddenly hit a wall and don’t know what to write next and they hate their story and everything is terrible. In NaNo, this is referred to as ‘Week Two’, and nobody likes Week Two. It’s the point at which most people quit.

This is perfectly normal and happens even to published authors. It’s basically the point at which you can’t postpone it any more and you have to shift from Act 1 (setup and introductions) to Act 2 (progressing plot), and it’s harder to do and suddenly you go from coasting along enjoying the flow to hitting the part where you have to pedal uphill. It’s the single hardest part of the whole writing process, for a lot of people. All I can tell you is that if you do that hard pedalling, the second coast is going to be even better and more fun, and we all have to do it. 

4. Save everything. Even if it’s bad. You never know when, years later, you’ll remember some idea out of the blue and be all ‘WAIT that would be the perfect b-plot for this story I’m writing now how did it go again?’ and have to go digging. (This has happened to me multiple times. An idea that didn’t work for one story might be perfect for a different one. Don’t lose it.) 

[defensemechanism]

You waited in the parking lot. Your wary gaze followed as much of his trek through the station as the front window allowed. You tried not to focus on your emotions, but you could not compartmentalize what had occurred. remained there, waiting for the better part of an hour. When Shane finally came back out, he walked right passed you.

[defensemechanism]

The quiet was beginning to get to you. At first, angry as you were you had been okay with not speaking for a bit. Now, he'd passed the exit to the station and you'd had enough.

"You missed the exit."

"We're not goin' to the station yet."

He didn't even look at you. He kept on staring ahead. Not at the traffic, but through it.

You held on tightly to your purse.

"You said you would tell me how to get the charges dropped."

A nerve in his jaw ticked.

"I said, we would talk about it."

You winced as he changed lanes with barely enough space to pass in front of the car.

"So get to talking."

He sped up. His large truck cowed the car in front of you, riding it until the driver switched lanes.

"I been thinkin' about what you said." He grunted. "You're right.Sex won't fix us."

You swallowed nervously as he blew down the road.

"The thing is, I'm not over you. Only way I can get over you, is if you help me."

You blinked rapidly. You heard what he said, but you couldn't fully process. Not when he was going eighty-five miles an hour on a high way meant to be driven at sixty.

"Slow down." You tried to sound commanding. Your voice shook ruining the effect.

"You gonna help me?"

"Shane!" You cried out as he narrowly avoided ramming into the back of a nissan.

He raised his voice.

"Help me and I'll drop the charges."

You cringed in your seat as he crossed into the next lane, and then the next.

"H-help you how?!"

"You're gonna be my whore. You're gonna fuck me till I've done everything I ever wanted to do to you. till I get sick of you."

"I-I-"

He began to let off the gas, slowing in small increments as the seconds passed.

"I-I can't."

"Why not?" He huffed.

He took the next exit that came up. Rather than continuing to slow down, your speed increased as he hit the access road.

"I'm with someone!" You yelped as he took a sharp turn.

"Being with me didn't stop you from whoring around behind my back."

You gasped as he turned again.

"You cheated on me with him. How's this any different?"

He came to a screeching halt at a red light. You jolted forward, your seat belt biting into your shoulder from the force.

"Your boyfriend is guilty. There's no denying it. Here's what'll happen, I'll take him to court. Rick will testify, then the bouncer. He'll be charged with assaulting an officer, a felony. He'll do time. When he gets out, if he makes it out, he won't have a career to get back to. That's if getting arrested in front of the kids didn't ruin it already."

You didn't realize you were crying, until a tear drop hit your forarm. You looked up and to your surprise he was pulling up to the police station.

"Or you can do what I'm askin'. " He proposed. "And I'll walk in there and tell 'em they got the wrong guy and I'll get those charges dropped."

You gazed at the glass doors. The people inside went about their shift like nothing was a miss. They answered phones, processed arrests as if you weren't being threatened in the parking lot just 12 feet away.

"It's your call."

You took an unsteady breath.

This was all your fault. Negan's life would be ruined because he fought for you. How could you do that to him? He had been kind, sweet, generous. You couldn't let him lose everything. You wouldn't.

"Yes." You ground out. "I'll help you."

"Atta girl." He sneered. "Now you're gonna show me how grateful you are."

You watched in mild horror as he unbuttoned and unzipped his pants.

He pulled out his hardening cock and looked to you expectantly.

Your eyes shot to the building. You took a shallow breath.

You slid over across the seat. Your eyes filled with tears as you realized you had been right all along.There was no way out.

Shane smirked down at you as you bent over his lap. You took his shaft in your fist and wet your lips. Your stomach clenched as you accepted what you would have to do.

His fingers ran through the hair at the nape of your neck. He cupped the back of your head, pushing you down until your lips were pressed against the head of his cock.You shut your eyes and opened your mouth. It slid along your tongue. You could taste the salt of his sweat.

Your nose wrinkled. You tried to pull away, but Shane's hand kept you in place. You let go of him, your hands searching for the seat between his thighs. His hips thrust upwards, seeking the warm heat of your throat. You lost your attempt at balance and fell forward. He had you right where he wanted you. Shane fucked your mouth, holding you still as he had his way.

You did what you could to breath through your nose. He thrust deeper. You gagged around his cock.

Shane groaned in response.

Tears leaked from your eyes as he pushed you to your limit and beyond chasing his climax. You felt dizzy. You could barely breath.Your fingers dug into his denim clad thighs. You gagged again and again, your body rejecting his intrusion. By the time he came, it felt like his cock was halfway down your throat.

"Oh fuck-fuck, Y/n!"

It felt like you were drowning.You swallowed his cum out of desperation. He moaned your name.His grip on you relaxed as he began to soften in your mouth.

You pulled away gasping. Your chest heaved. You gripped the edge of the seat as you caught your breath.

If this was what you were in for you might not survive it. He had never been so rough with you. You had long suspected he was capable of doing such a thing and here was the proof. You had married a monster and now you would have to pay the consequences for that decision.

You wiped the tears from your face, and the spit from the corners of your mouth.

"If I had known you were so damn good at sucking dick, I'd have made a lot more use of that pretty mouth of yours." He told you.

You found your purse on the floor of the truck and grabbed onto it. You couldn't stand to look at him.

"Are you going to go in there first or should I?"

He laughed.

"What, You don't wanna cuddle?"

You grit your teeth. Your jaw ached.

"This isn't funny. You got what you wanted."

You could feel him watching you. You hoped he couldn't see that you were trembling. You closed your eyes and took a breath.

"Please, Shae?" You pleaded, tacking on the nickname to remind him of the fondness you had once felt for each other.

He remained silent just long enough to cause you stress.

"From now on, I expect you to pick up when I call you. I don't wanna hear no bullshit excuses. You're gonna meet me where I say, when I say. Got it?"

You nodded vigorously.

"Great." He buckled up his pants then turned off the ignition.

You didn't get out of the truck until he did. Part of you worried that this was a trick. You didn't know what you would do, what you could do if he didn't keep his word.

You waited in the parking lot. Your wary gaze followed as much of his trek through the station as the front window allowed.You remained there, waiting for the better part of an hour. When Shane finally came back out, he walked right passed you.

"

"I'll be seein' you again real soon.

[defensemechanism]

The end of the period came too soon. If it was up to you, you would put off talking to Shane forever. He couldn't possibly have anything constructive to say. He was far too immature to show up asking for closer. You knew that much. What you hoped was that he didn't make a scene. Losing your job was not something you could handle at the moment.

You threw your shoulders back and kept your chin up as you got to the office. You caught sight of him right away. He'd shaved his head. He looked bigger than he had when last you saw him, more muscular. His biceps were stretching the white t-shirt he wore, his blue jean clad thighs seemed thicker than usual.

He turned and caught sight of you. His accusatory gaze killed any hope you might have had for keeping things civil. You gestured for him to follow you out of the administration building. Anger welled up inside you. What right did he have to show up at your place of work?

"What do you want?" You asked abruptly.

"That's no way to talk to your husband."

You glared at him.

"Soon to be ex-husband."

"Over my dead body." He stated, his tone sharp.

You looked him over from foot to head.

"You look good."

He raised one dark eyebrow.

"I mean, you seem to be doing just fine without me."

"If that was true, I wouldn't be here."

"You shouldn't be here." You huffed.

"Would you've answered if I called?"

You rolled your eyes.

"What do you want?"

Shane looked around warily.

"Come on."

His hand latched onto your shoulder, he pushed you toward the parking lot.

You pulled out of his grasp, but followed him none the less. Better that he make a scene in the parking lot than in front of the principal's office. You thought. You stopped beside his truck.

His eyes gazed deeply into yours, their russet brown depths filled with emotion.

"I miss you." His voice was rough. "You're all I think about. You're all I want."

His hands cupped your face.

"I need you, [Your nickname]. You got no idea how much I need you."

He had never said such things to you before.

He leaned in to kiss you. You didn't stop him.

His dry lips kneaded your own in a desperate plea. You accepted his tongue into your mouth, allowed it to caress your own, assuring yourself this was the final time. You found yourself kissing him back.

His hand found it's way into your hair, he tugged lightly. You couldn't help the moan that escaped you. Had he always kissed you this way?

He backed you up against the door of his truck.

"Come back to me. Come back home."

His leg parted your thighs, lifting your dress, pressing up against your satin covered sex. His hands grasped your hips. Your hand was at his neck, pulling him closer. You nipped at his lower lip. The low growl he emitted made you wet.

Shane pulled aside your panties. His middle finger found your clitoris and stroked the swelling flesh around it.His touch elicited a high pitched mewl from your throat. The tip of his finger circled your bundle of nerves again and again.

"You like that, Baby?"

Drunk on pleasure, you answered that you did.

"You want more?"

You nodded vigorously.

He unlocked the door to his truck.

You didn't give much thought to obeying his instructions as you climbed into the back seat. You unbuttoned and unzipped his pants. Shane pushed the fabric just low enough to free his cock. You lay back against the seat, gazing up at him. There was something about his broad shoulders and large hands that made you feel delicate, like he could break you if he chose to. You knew it was a little twisted, but your pussy clenched at the very thought of his hand around your neck.

The fat head of his dick was at your entrance. He thrust slowly into you, sinking in deeper and deeper until his pelvis was flush with yours. His lips took yours in a searing embrace. Your arms under his held his chest against your own. His pace did not change. He made love to you as though he had all the time in world. Each slow stroke of his cock along your silken walls increased your mounting pleasure.

You sucked on his tongue as he kissed you. His wide palm grasped your breast. Your hands slipped down his back and cupped his ass. Though it was impossible you craved to have him closer. Only when your hips started tilting up to meet his thrusts, did he increase his pace. The lewd sound of his balls slapping against your wet taint spurred you on. Your body tightened. Your aching pussy squeezed around his cock as you came. Your mind reeling with ecstasy, you cried out his name. He wasn't far behind. Shane thrust twice more then with a muttered curse, he was cumming inside of you.

You looked into his eyes. You could not escape the truth. He could obsess over you, desire you to the depths of his soul and still never love you back.

The languid kiss he gave you after you straightened your clothes made it harder to shake off the fog clouding your mind. It scared you to notice that you did not want the kiss to end.

Shane pulled away first. He helped you out of his truck and steadied you when you reached the ground.

"I'll be here to pick you up at four." He informed you.

You stepped away, turning to face him fully.

"You'll be needing a ride."

You shook your head.

"No, I won't."

He smirked at you.

"Having sex doesn't fix what is broken between us. I'm sorry if that's confusing for you."

He wet his lips.

"Nah, only one here confused is you. See, your boyfriend went and got himself arrested for assaulting an officer. So, unless you drove yourself here, you're stranded."

"You arrested him?!" Your eyes widened in horror.

You prayed that he was lying.The smug look he gave you made you feel sick to your stomach. Why had you trusted him? You knew better than to trust him.

You walked briskly away.

"Actually it was Monroe made the arrest." He called after you. "I was just comin' by to let you know."

It took everything in you not to run. You fought the tears threatening to spill down your cheeks.

The bell rang. As you made your way back to your classroom, you noticed there were groups of teachers in the halls. You turned down the hallway with a sinking feeling in your belly. Before you could reach your classroom Rosita came up and stopped you.

"Did you know?" She asked without preamble.

"What?"

"About Negan. Did you know they were going to arrest him?"

You shook your head.

Your worst fear confirmed, you went to check your phone. You had no missed calls. You leaned back in your desk chair. Why hadn't he called you? Did he think you wouldn't answer? Part of you held the irrational fear that he knew what you had done. You weren't sure if sex with a man you were still married to counted as cheating. If the tight guilty feeling in your chest was any indication, then it definitely counted.

You did your best to teach through the last four classes, but you wered distracted, waiting for the phone call that never came.

Once your last class ended, you gathered your belongings and began the process of setting up a ride on uber. To your relief you reached the front of the building as the car pulled up to the curb. The feeling was short lived. It curdled in your belly as you noticed Shane waiting for you just beyond the glass doors.

"I told you I don't need a ride."

He took hold of your upper arm as you tried to walk passed him.

"Let go of me!" You cried out.

Some students and a few members of staff turned to look your way.

Shane dropped his hold on you and smiled politely at them as he followed you to your uber.

"Fine." He said quietly. "Thought you'd be interested in findin' out how to get the charges dropped, but hey, it's your loss." He shrugged.

You stopped short.

"What do we have to do?"

"Get in the truck an' we'll talk about it." He commanded.

You sighed.

You had already slept with him. You told yourself the worst had already happened therefore, there was nothing to worry about. You went to the passenger door and told the uber driver you had a change of plans. You tipped them and followed Shane to the parking lot.

[defensemechanism]

You pushed the door open and walked out into the fresh air. Your eyes scanned the parking lot for Negan. He was waiting for you, standing by the tailgate of his truck.

His gaze lowered to the ground as you approached. Without a word he went to the passenger side and opened the door for you. You climbed up into the seat and he closed the door behind you. As he drove away, you tried not to think of what Shane would do in retaliation.

At the next red light Negan picked up the pack of marlborough reds on the consle , took one out and lit it. You didn't know what to say. Nothing seemed appropriate. Neither it seemed did Negan. You remained quiet the entire way to his house. You were beginning to wonder whether he felt he had made a mistake in showing up for you. You wouldn't blame him if he did.

Negan pulled up into the drive way and put it in park. He shut off the engine, but made no move to get out.

"God I fucking lost it. I shouldn't have. I am so fucking sorry, Y/n." He said suddenly.

He scratched at the back of his neck looking anywhere, but at you. "I can't even imagine what you must be thinking of me now."

"Do you want to know what I think of you?" You scooted closer to him, and took his hand in yours. His knuckles were raw and bloody. You pressed a gentle kiss to each one.

"You are my savior.Nobody has ever done anything like that for me before. Thank you."

"I - I didn't scare you?" Negan looked to you questioningly his eyes filled with concern.

You shook your head.

"Really?"

"Really." You reached up and guided his face closer to yours. "Thank you."

You kissed him slowly, thoroughly, telling him in more than words how you truly felt.

His hand covered yours as he broke the kiss.

"What are we doing?"

"What do you mean?"

He sighed.

"I mean, we have talked about you leaving him before and you seemed real fucking opposed to the idea. Here you are thanking me for kicking his ass, kissing me?"

"I was afraid to leave him. Afraid of what he might do."

"And now?"

"I'm with you. I feel safe with you." You tried to blink away the tears in your eyes and only succeeded in making them fall.

Negan put his arms around you.

"I won't ever let him hurt you."

You buried your face in his shoulder and cried.

"I won't ever let anything hurt you."

You wiped away the last of your tears with the heel of your hand.

* * * * * * * * * * *

A month went by, being with Negan was easy. He didn't expect anything unreasonable from you and didn't treat you any differently than he had before. What surprised you was the excitement you felt at the prospect of staying with him long term.

You felt genuine contentment from something as simple as making a meal. The domestic duties that you used to resent when you were with Shane, didn't bother you with Negan. The fact that Negan actually helped and was appreciative of what you did around the house made all the difference. He didn't make fun of you for your bad taste in tv shows or movies. He didn't try to force you to watch him play video games you weren't interested in. There was an unspoken understanding, that you spent time together by choice rather than necessity.

The more time passed, the easier it became to believe Negan's assurances that Shane wouldn't bother you again. He postulated that If Shane was going to retaliate, he would have shown his face sooner rather than later.

Your only complaint was that your days were not long enough. You wished you had more time to spend with Negan than time allowed, a big portion of the week went to his coaching, baseball games and practice on top of the time the two of you spent on lesson plans and grading. You treasured every moment you had to be in his company from the seemingly insignificant to the occasional date night.

"Negan?"

"Hmm..."

"You're staring."

He was not embarassed in the least of being caught watching you dry off.

"We were late yesterday. We can't be late again." You reminded him as you stepped out of the shower.

His eyes held a glimmer of awe as he gazed at your naked form.

"Negan." You chided, covering yourself up with your towel.

He blinked and as though he suddenly recalled he had been brushing his teeth, spit into the sink and began to rinse. He winked at you in the mirror.

You shook your head.

Amused, you returned to his bedroom to dress. An unremarkable morning.

Your first two classes went fine. Getting preteens to pay attention in class was a feat. You stuck as much to your lesson plan as possible. During your third class the phone at your desk rang.

"Mrs. Walsh?"

"Yes?"

"Your husband is here. He says he needs to speak to you. Says it's important."

You fought the urge sigh into the receiver. Just as you had begun to believe things were going to be alright, here came Shane to fuck it all up.

"Mrs. Walsh?"

"Tell him, my grading period is in forty five minutes. I will speak to him then."

"Yes, Mam. I'll do that."

You hung up the phone and attempted to concentrate on teaching.

[defensemechanism]

During your double date that evening, your phone rang for the third time in fifteen minutes. Unable to help yourself, you took it out of your purse and looked at the screen. Three missed calls from a phone number you recognized but hadn't had the guts to save as a contact. Shane's smile froze as it began to ring again.He grabbed your phone out of your hands, rejected the call and switched it to silent mode. Rather than return it, he slipped it into his pocket.

You tried to hide your angst behind a mask of neutrality and failed.

"You okay, Y/n?" Lori asked lightly.

You looked up at her.

"Yeah, I'm okay."

You returned her concerned smile with a tight lipped upturn of your lips.

Shane reached over and put his arm around you.

A nerve on your cheek twitched as his palm brushed your bare shoulder.

Thankfully, Rick's return with a long neck bottle for each of you, distracted from the uneasy tension.

"What did I miss?"

"Nothing, man." Shane was quick to answer.

As the conversation returned to sports talk, you pretended to listen thinking all the while of the man you were missing and the promise you hadn't kept.

You considered Shane's question.In all honesty, what you felt for Negan was too new to call love, but too intense to brush off as attraction. While his ruggedly handsome features had turned your head, it was his warm smile and deep hypnotic voice that drew you in. Then, there were the genuine conversations you had over coffee in the break room and how he often went out of his way to coax a smile or a laugh from you. He told you he loved the sound of your laugh. He also told you, in that panty droppingly low voice of his, how he couldn't stop thinking of you, that he would treat you like the precious diamond you were, that if you ever wanted to give him a shot at making you happy all you had to do was leave your asshole husband. A nice romantic offer to fantasize about, but he didn't know Shane's temper. Didn't know what he was capable of, the power he had. You refused to take a risk that could put Negan's life in danger.

"Come on, Baby."

Shane's hot breath in your ear jolted you back to the present.

You nodded.

Shane helped you to your feet and took you to the dance floor.

The bittersweet tune that played as he led you in a sweetheart's two step did nothing to ease your anxiety.

And he must do something

That I didn't do

The smell of his cologne was making your stomach churn.

Whatever he's doing

It looks good on you

Being held close in his arms you felt trapped.

You look so good in love

You want him

It's easy to see

Your hands were shaking. You knew he could feel it and yet he leaned in and placed a kiss at your temple.

You look so good in love

I wish you still wanted me

Shane set you up and you spun slowly before gliding back into his arms.

He leaned in, holding you even closer than before.

"I can change."

You winced at the obvious lie.

"It'll be different this time, Baby. Just you wait and see."

A shiver went through you. The thought of how much worse your troubles with Shane could get terrified you. As the song finished, your tears began to fall.

"Let's go home." You said desperately. "Please, I just wanna go home."

"We'll go when I'm ready to go." Shane tipped your face upward and kissed you.

⚪

Something didn't feel right. Negan was not the anxious type, but after you had left he'd begun to worry. He didn't know what exactly had him worried, but the feeling nagged at him to get up and go to you. He pulled up in front of the house catty corner to yours. His eyes searched the front of the house for any sign that you were in trouble. Not finding anything didn't ease his intuition. He reached for the handle and started to open the door.

Wait a fucking second.. What in the hell was he doing? Apart from an ominous queasyness in his stomach he had no good reason to think you were in any danger. Yeah, your dickhead cop husband was, well ...a fucking dickhead, but you told him the man hadn't laid a finger on you. And if he had hit you so much as once in the last five months, Negan would know. He'd had the privilege of seeing every inch of your luscious bare body regularly in that time and he'd seen no proof of you being abused. He pressed the heels of his hands to his eyes.. Fuck. You were married. For Christ sake. He shouldn't be here. If the asshole found out he'd lose his shit and probably start a fight that Negan would have to finish. Your whole life could explode and over what? A gut feeling? No. He wouldn't do that to you.

The garage opened then, interrupting the bent of his thoughts. Out you walked in blue jeans and a sleeveless top. You looked amazing. Then again to Negan, you looked amazing in everything. He frowned at the sight of your meat head husband. So that was the piece of shit cop. Negan watched as you got into the car. Disatisfied with the glimpse of your unhappy expression, he decided to follow you.

⚪

Shane kissed you hard.

A hand closed on your shoulder. You turned to face the man standing behind you. Shane glared at the intruder.

"Y/n?"

You gasped, relieved by the comforting sound of his voice.

"Negan." Your eyes were filled with tears.

His arms were around you in an instant. You ducked your head into his chest and began crying in earnest.

"Get your fucking hands off of her." Shane demanded.

You trembled.

Negan ignored him entirely.

"Are you alright? Did he hurt you?" His hand cradled your face as you looked up at him.

"I meant what I fucking said Y/n." Shane snarled.

"Don't you worry about him, Babydoll. I'm right here."

You took a short breath trying to steel your nerves.

Negan reached into his pocket and fished out his keys. He held them out to you.

"You go and wait in the truck. I've got this."

You took the keys from him and moved to stand beside him.

Shane laughed dryly.

"Thought you said you weren't in love with him."

"You're not in love with me!" You cried out exasperated by his territorial machismo.

"I never said that."

"And yet you haven't fuckin' denied it." Negan cut in.

"What the fuck do you know about it? This is between me and her."

"Not anymore. You have bullied, threatened and manipulated her into submitting to you. Only a truly piss poor excuse for a man would treat his woman like that. As of this second You have lost the privilege of being her man."

"Who the fuck do you think you are?"

His lips curled slowly into a grin.

"Do you really want to find out?"

"Nah, Who you are don't matter much. Not when I know as soon as she gets bored of you she'll come crawling back to me." Shane sneered.

Negan laughed a hearty almost giddy sound.

Your brow creased in confusion.

Negan's fist collided with Shane's jaw quicker than you could process. The next blow came. The jarring sound of knuckles hitting flesh followed. Shane didn't get so much as one in. He fell down and Negan kept going. Your heart pounded in your ears as you watched horrified by the satisfaction you were feeling. The sharp scent of blood was in the air. Maybe you should stop him. You knew you could- all you had to do was ask Negan to stop and he would- but you didn't want to.

Then, suddenly Rick was there attempting to pull him away from Shane. Negan elbowed him in the face, busting his nose in the process.

The bouncers came over, two burly men. It took the both of them to drag Negan off of Shane. You caught a glimpse of his face, his broken nose, split lip and bloody mouth. They were throwing Negan out, herding him toward the exit. He was calling out to you. Turning away from Shane you hurried to catch up with him.

[defensemechanism]

There was no sign of him. Your veins danced with adrenaline as your eyes scanned the neat lawn and empty drive way from the stop sign two houses down.

Not a thing out of place. Your house seemed to be exactly as you had left it in the morning. Letting your head fall back against the headrest for a moment you took a deep breath. Then your gaze caught on the clock on your dashboard. Four thirty. He would be getting home any minute now. Your chest began feeling tight again at the thought. Resisting the urge to look over your shoulder again, you turned the corner and pulled up the driveway. As you put your phone into your purse and began to get out of the car you tried to focus on what you would make for dinner rather than the anxiety you so keenly felt. A rumbling metal sound startled you, making you jump. Your head turned toward the garage door as it opened.

Be calm, You told yourself. Act natural.

You stood up straighter and closed the door to your suv.

He drove up beside you and parked.

The beat of your heart quickened as you worked to summon a smile for him.

He stared straight ahead as he get out. He didn't look at you. You jumped again as he slammed the door to his truck.

He had a bad day. He just had a bad day. That's all. You attempted to soothe your nerves with the mantra while you followed him up into the garage and into the kitchen.

Your husband had a temper. You feared his anger now more than ever. You had learned not to exacerbate him when he was in a mood. He hadn't ever hit you, but you could feel his rage in the air around you, dangerous and thick. You could see it In the disappearing of his russet irises. You were terrified that one day the feral beast of his barely contained fury would break free.

Your purse you placed on the counter, your keys on the hook. It wasn't until you finished hanging up your heather grey cardigan that you realized your husband remained standing in your little yellow kitchen, staring at you with an unfamiliar expression on his face.

It wasn't quite anger. It wasn't quite pain. It was haunted and knowing.

Your eyes widened.

There was no way he could know. You had been so careful. You had done everything you could think of to cover your tracks. You always made it home on time. Always.

"Shane." You called with no clear idea of what to say. All you knew was that you couldn't bare the way he was staring at you.

His chest rose as he took a deep breath.

You winced, steeling yourself for the impact of the yelling and cursing you were certain would come.

The sound that followed made your stomach clench with fear.

A mournful cry more howl than sob torn from deep within him.

Despite your guilt and anger you were moved. You found yourself going to him.You took him into your arms wishing you could comfort him. You felt evil for hoping there was some other reason for him to feel like this. You hoped anyway. He held onto you tightly, desperately, like you might disappear if he allowed any space between you.

"Why?" His voice was a hoarse croak. "Why'd you do it?"

You closed your eyes. You could not look him in the eye.

"How long?" He asked quietly.

You didn't answer.

"Are you leavin' me?"

"No."

"I don't believe you."

He backed away from you. The hurt in his eyes stabbed into you like a knife.

"I-I'm..." You wanted so badly to erase the anguish from his face, but the words wouldn't come. "Shane..."

He rubbed his hand over his face and took a shaking breath.

"Are you gonna leave me?"

You took an unsteady breath of your own and willed yourself not to cry.

"I figure you fell in love with someone else. Can't see any other reason you would do this to me."

You grimaced.

"It can't be for the sex though can it?"

He watched you warily.

Your eyes strayed to the tile.

"Sweetheart, you are one hell of an actress. Letting me hit it anytime I want, convincing me that I've been keepin' you satisfied." He shook his head.

"I'm sorry-"

"Sorry?"

"- that I hurt you, but it isn't that simple. Things between us have been rocky for a while."

"Oh and instead of working on our marriage you decide to bring some other stupid son of a bitch into your bed? Shit, he even know you're married?"

"That's beside the point! I needed an escape from all the fighting and-and the yelling and your bullshit."

"My bullshit?"

Discussing the problems in your marriage when he had just found out about your infidelity left a bitter taste in your mouth.

"You hate your job. You come home pissed off and pick fights over stupid shit just to let off steam. If I don't fight back you get more upset. You make me feel like I am the worst person in the world. Everything I do is not to your satisfaction. Now I'm uncomfortable in my own home. My family lives hundreds of miles away. I don't have any friends that aren't your friends too. I have no one."

"You have me."

"I have you to tell me what a piece of shit I am. I need someone to care about me who doesn't think I am worthless."

"And he's that someone?"

"Yes."

"Are you in love with him?"

"That's none of your business."

"Your business is my business."

"Why do you care anyway? You hate me."

He winced.

"I don't hate you, [Your Nickname]."

"But you aren't in love with me." You said evenly.

He took both of your hands into his larger ones.

"I care more about you than any other woman I've been with." He looked into your eyes, his gaze intense. "So, you're wrong if you think I'm gonna sit here and let you walk out on me."

You blinked rapidly.

"It just ain't gonna happen. I will do what ever it takes. If it means, going over to Franklin street,"

You gasped.

"Forcing my way into his house, and beatin' him till he swears on his life to stay far the hell away from you, then I will do it."

You shook your head vigorously.

"No, You don't have to do that. I-I'm not going anywhere." You said in a rush.

"You are damn right you aren't going anywhere. From now on, you don't leave this house without me. If I catch you so much as standing next to a man without my permission, I will kill Him. You get me?"

You swallowed and shook your head yes.

"Great. Now, why don't you go on upstairs and get changed."

You frowned.

"Don't look at me like that.You're the one told Lori we'd go out to dinner with them." His tone was playful.

Struggling to reorient yourself, you gave him a wan smile and obeyed.

[defensemechanism]

Part 1 @loveinthemadness

[defensemechanism]

Some words to use when writing things:

winking

clenching

pulsing

fluttering

contracting

twitching

sucking

quivering

pulsating

throbbing

beating

thumping

thudding

pounding

humming

palpitate

vibrate

grinding

crushing

hammering

lashing

knocking

driving

thrusting

pushing

force

injecting

filling

dilate

stretching

lingering

expanding

bouncing

reaming

elongate

enlarge

unfolding

yielding

sternly

firmly

tightly 

harshly

thoroughly

consistently

precision

accuracy

carefully

demanding

strictly

restriction

meticulously

scrupulously

rigorously

rim

edge

lip

circle

band

encircling

enclosing

surrounding

piercing

curl

lock

twist

coil

spiral

whorl

dip

wet

soak

madly

wildly

noisily

rowdily

rambunctiously

decadent

degenerate

immoral

indulgent

accept

take

invite

nook

indentation

niche

depression

indent

depress

delay

tossing

writhing

flailing

squirming

rolling

wriggling

wiggling

thrashing

struggling

grappling

striving

straining

[defensemechanism]

He held you close, so close you shared his every breath. Negan entered your body with one swift merciless thrust. The euphoria of being so intimately reunited caused you to cry out. The emptiness in your heart only ceased it’s aching when Negan was inside you. Your voracious mouth kissed, licked, and scattered bite marks over the expanse of his chest. His reaching fingers found purchase at the roots of your hair. You were fueled with the need to remind him of the indisputable claim you had on him. Your hips met his harsh thrusting with a brutal gyration of their own. One of his large hands seized your ass. His short nails scored your flesh as you clenched around his length. The guttural moan he emitted in response had your juices dripping down his shaft. Your mind devolved into a sultry haze of sensation. He quickened the pace, driving into you with ferocity. Your needy whimpering and panting breath echoed. The basement amplified the lewd sounds of your frantic love making. Intense pleasure overwhelmed your senses.

“Y/n,” Negan called your name as he came, “Y/n.”  

An overwhelming ecstasy unfurled within you. Your body quaking in exaltation, your mind muddling as you rode the high of a rapturous orgasm.  

You didn’t know you were crying until, he started kissing your tears away.  

“Don’t cry, Doll.” He murmured. “I’m right here.”  

He helped you to lay down beside him.  

“I’m right here.”

You covered your mouth with your hand in an attempt to stifle your sobbing.

Negan’s hand stroked down your back.  

The affectionate gesture was meant to comfort, but the reality of your situation made it devastating.

When your tears slowed, you pulled away from him and sat up.

He reached for you, then stopped.

His brow furrowed as his eyes looked you over for a long moment.

“Do you have to leave right this second?”

You shook your head.

“Rick isn’t here. He’s…” You glanced at Negan over your shoulder, considering the ramifications of sharing information with him.

“Too busy leading to follow your trail of lies?” He offered sullenly.

You traced his pouting lip with your index finger.  

“This is the only way.” You sighed.

“I know that, but do you have to be fucking <em>him</em> too?”

“If I wasn’t, we wouldn’t have been able to see each other again in the first place.”

“What’s with this beard?” You caressed the side of his face.

“You don’t like it?”

His eyes widened at your emphatic nod.

“I miss seeing your whole face.”

He laughed.

“They have a strict no razor policy.” He took a deep breath and let it out. “I don’t know what they’re more afraid of, that I’ll attack someone or slash my own fucking throat.”

“Don’t even joke about that.” You admonished.

“What difference would it make? I don’t fucking get to be with you or our daughter. Hell, she doesn’t even know I’m her father, does she?”

You swallowed thickly.

“I’ve talked to her about you, but she isn’t old enough to know the whole truth yet.”  

“How fucking old is old enough to find out your mom has been lying to you about something as fundamental as who your fucking dad is?”  

There was a bite of acid to his tone that made your shoulders tense.

“I get that your impatient-”

“Impatient?!”

“If I had things my way, they would have let you out of here years ago, given you a chance to become part of their community.”

He scoffed at that.

“Don’t tell me just because they let me be the garbage man. You’ve got it into your head that they’ll let me out of here?”  

You winced.

“Well shit…You did, didn’t you?”

You looked up at the cell’s window to find the sky had taken on the misty lilac hues of dawn.  

“I have to go.” You pulled your nighty on, bent to retrieve your robe.

“When’s he coming back?”

“I’m not sure.” You turned, your eyes ate up the sight of his bare skin in the early morning light.

“I don’t want you to come back here.”

You hugged your arms around yourself.  

“Not this again.”

“I mean it this time, Y/n.”

You opened the door to his cell, shut it gently behind you then turned the key.

“I spent the better part of three years putting up with that ornery attitude of yours and it didn’t make me fear and obey you. What in the hell makes you think it’ll start working on me now?”

The corners of his mouth pulled up in a sad smile.

“See you soon, Doll.”  

Rick Grimes  

Despite your words, you kept your distance from Negan. The situation between you was complicated. It was not a question of whether or not you loved him, but a question of whether or not it was healthy for you to be in love with him. You lay out a blanket and a couple of cushions on the grassy lawn in front of the church and sat down.

“Mom, can we go play now?” Judith asked, practically hopping with energy.

“Yes, just stay where I can see you.”  

Judith and Jemma Marie took off to join some of the other children in a game of tag.  

[defensemechanism]

prompts

compilation of prompts by me, and many others to hopefully inspire you♡

cute/fluff:

“I’ll feel much better if you let me walk you home.”

“I wanted to say “I love you” for the first time without stuttering, but that failed.”

“Apparently all our friends have a bet going that we end up together.”

“you make me feel alive. for the first time ever, i feel like i can breathe”

“i fucking love you” “hang up, and tell me this when you’re sober”

“i really want to kiss you right now” “do it then”

“Are you flirting with me?” “You finally noticed?”

“i’ve been falling in love with you since the first day we met”

“Sorry… your hair was in your face… thought I should move it so I could see you better.”

angsty/sad:

“i dont know how to exist in a world without you”

“The worst thing is, that even after all of that, I’m still in love with you.”

“did you at least think of me, when you were having sex with her?”

“no. the moment you saw me as a bet was the moment you fucked up.” 

“If you don’t hug me right now I think I might fall apart.”

“i swear, if you say another word, i’ll leave.”

“that ship has sailed. i’ve had my one great love already”

“Would you just shut up and listen to me for two goddamn seconds?!”

“if i asked you to stay, would you?” 

“i don’t know who you are anymore”

“of course i still love you. but i hate myself for it.”

“We’re not just friends and you fucking know it.”

“i can’t have this argument with you again” “but-” “no. i’m done”

filth:

“Seeing you between my legs is so hot.”

“I may or may not have left some….marks.”

“I think we were a little too loud last night.”

“Really? You wanna have sex….here? Now?”

“the noises you make are incredible”

“You’ve been giving me bedroom eyes for the past half an hour - time to show me what, exactly, was on your mind.”

“we’re just…friends.” “friends don’t do this type of shit!”

“she may be all lollipops and candy bars, but I bet behind closed doors she’s hand cuffs and gags.”

“bite your lip once more, i dare you”

“what you gonna do about it, stud”

“I could just pull your bikini bottoms to the side, no one will notice.”

“god i love your hands” “lets put them to good use then”

“i know you can be louder than that.”

“come on. i want the neighbours to hear you scream”

“do you like that? like being in control?”

funny/miscellaneous:

“Never trust a man whose smile steals the breath right from your lungs.”

“Did you just slap my ass?” / “Actually, I firmly grasped it.” / “Did you just quote Spongebob?”

“I’m not a damsel in distress. i’m a damsel doing damage.”

“You couldn’t handle me even if i came with instructions.”

“where have you been all my life?” “hiding from you”

“shut up with all that soulmate shit”

“I’d punch you, but that’d ruin that pretty little face of yours.”

“sorry, is that supposed to impress me?”

“Maybe you should leave the cooking to me.”

“so it’s a date?” “nope. not a date” 

“it’s because i’m so attractive isn’t it?” “i say this. and i cannot stress this enough. i find you completely repulsive.” 

“alright daddy long legs, next joke please”

credits to some of the accounts whose prompt lists inspired this one: @connorshero, @starman-thorsus-canos-jock, @glitterquadricorn, @calumsendgame, @alloveroliver, @justforshitsandcackles, @whcczes, @hellsdemonictrinity, @poeticparker, @dresupi