definefeminine

[definefeminine]

the soul crushing phenomenon of identifying with your mother

it just hit me, one lonely drive home from work, 10:42pm and a silent radio. i am all the things i hate about everyone else. how on earth does that happen? i guess when you passively endure toxicity throughout your life it's easy to reflect those behaviors without even knowing. im fustrated that it took me so long to realize it, though, because i usually feel too self aware to ever seek help. i can pick apart others, try to put myself in their shoes to figure out why they hurt me and hope that empathy can make it hurt less. libra is for balance, i dont participate in astrology all that much but i do resonate with fairness and benefit of the doubt. which is why i hate feeling like a victim, and why i know all of my suffering is a result of nobody but myself.

but that comes after the rationalization Process i've developed from years of feeling like the universe is wholly against me. the universe, manifesting itself in everything around me-- my friends, my parents, my teachers and the mosquito that bit me on the back, just out of arms reach.

here's the part where i wanted to try and explain even a sliver of what i've been struggling with lately and why the only thing i've managed to do about it is hide from everyone i love. but everytime i try to write something i either burst into tears or freeze altogether. its not great. the Process is failing and i'm just too overwhelmed to fix it.

[definefeminine]

i was in the 6th grade when i thought about killing myself for the first time. while the rest of my family was watching a movie, i was in the next room over with a disassembled pencil sharpener. i would cut just deep enough to hurt, but not to scar. i would look at the string lights around my ceiling and wonder if they would support my weight if i tried to hang myself with them. i didn't try because i couldn't get past the guilt of someone finding me. at just 11 years old i was considerate enough not to make this anyone else's problem. but it didn't go away. in freshman year i accidentally broke and told the counselor just how often i think about suicide. she made me write in a gratitude journal and see a peer mentor once a week. it didn't go away. almost every morning of senior year i thought about driving my car off the road on my way to school. how many people would assume it was an accient? would anyone know it wasn't?

i try to remind myself that there's a reason i never give in. surely i know i still have life to live, and it could be so beautiful. but still at 19 im in my bed-- i look at my christmas lights and know exactly where the pencil sharpener is in my drawer. i think about how there's really nothing i like about myself and if i tried to name something i'd be lying. i wonder what the 11 year old would have done that night, if someone had told her in 8 years she'd feel the exact same. maybe she would just get it over with.

[definefeminine]

i think it may be catching up to me, all of it

[definefeminine]

its almost winter and i feel So human

so what? ive been driving faster and my assignments are never done on time. i cant seem to move on from the guy from october even if my friends dont want to hear about it anymore. ive been feeling Wrong, but at the same time Real. i havent written in weeks. never felt the need to.

i dont think i was ready for how hard it would be to make new friends because its never been an issue for me. i used to be funny and social. i think these days i come off more offputting. its almost like i forgot how to interact or connect with people. with him, i felt the click and that hasnt happened in a while. i know a crush has never ended well for me but i hoped at the least we could be friends. even if i dont beat myself up about it anymore i still wonder what went wrong.

super cringe to look at the situation logistically, but i have never not been obsessive and frantic and overtly critical of myself. which is the other thing, about the perpetual disconnect between who i am and who i want to be and how everyone else perceives me. i never feel authentic. though ironically it doesnt seem to bother me enough to make any effort to change. i dont worry about being incapable of love, but can anyone ever truly know me if i dont even know myself?

thats all the human experience i suppose.

if youll even believe it, i actually have been happy, happier than last summer and the time before. regarding kindness, it never used to come naturally but now i think it does. identifying as a sweetheart feels great since ive always felt very mean spirited, courtesy of my family always telling me i was. something about frigid and painfully cold weather makes me have the most positive outlook on life and the times.

heres what ive been loving: essentia water, crunchy cookie m&ms, greg mendez, watching the leaves change and eventually fall in the parking lot of my work, the concept of life in arcata, faye webster... TT

[definefeminine]

you dont know me! you dont know my life!

emergency roadwork 34 miles ahead, expect delay

hot chai with almond and an iced black tea to go

things i am: bitter, shallow, confused

insecure, selfish, jealous

i could have loved you forever

i almost did

[definefeminine]

i have an announcement to make

i lost the idgaf war… TT

[definefeminine]

impossible desires from a girl so far from Normal (life update)

i stopped writing in my diary because i got frustrated about each day being the same. i cant believe my birthday is in just 28 days and im already forgetting what its like to be eighteen

i dont get attached easily anymore but lately i feel like a young girl pretending to know what love feels like. im worried, perpetually. i crush on grown men at work because its comforting to know theyll never understand me. i want to be vulnerable but not understood. i want to be known but not perceived.

[definefeminine]

elliott smith enjoyers be like

just got off my 8 hour shift time to get so high i cant move 

(me)

[definefeminine]

i blinked and it was july

i don’t know, i hate writing, only at 5pm did i notice i hadnt eaten and i tried to pretend that i cared. ive never been so lonely in my life and i wonder why nobody warns you about the second summer after graduation. i dont think im good enough to get into college. today i felt like a stranger in my home because i dont know who i am anymore

[definefeminine]

crying, less than usual

i never knew it was possible to feel completely satisfied and unsatisfied at the same time. each day isnt horrible, hardly even bad, and i still struggle. i feel lonely but i dont feel motivated to maintain my relationships. its hard for me to reach out these days, but who is there to reach out to, anyways? i want to leave this town but the thought of saying goodbye makes me sick. the thought of change makes me sick. i dont cry anymore and it scares me. im growing up but its not how i imagined. its just dull. 

[definefeminine]

i dream of places i can never return to

[definefeminine]

living on:

frosted animal crackers, madoka magica, hot green tea, hamachi nigiri, elliott smith

[definefeminine]

hello, tulip

[definefeminine]

oh, my agony

what one can only describe as the final stage of gods will, this illness has reached her capacity! she has robbed me of my scent! my face, swollen with pressure and tender to the touch! my right ear, plugged like some eternal airplane takeoff sequence... i look in the mirror to find a bloodshot eyed monster looking back at me, breathing out of her mouth. i feel like mold, fuzzy and soggy at the same time, yellow and green. my hope, the candlelit flame at the end of this doomed tunnel, has been smothered. oh, i curse at my past naiveté! how silly, gleefully assuming i had this devil of a sickness under control. i know now my mistake. my only choice is to accept this fate of miserable suffering... how much acetaminophen can one girl take, anyhow?

[definefeminine]

[definefeminine]

on being a teenage girl

google search: is kindness a human instinct, and if so why dont i have it

is a mean spirit the result of nature or nurture? who taught me to be this way, surely not my loving kind parents, nor the childhood friends with whom i stay on good terms with. maybe a defense mechanism? what does crippling insecurity do to a teenage girl? 

1. god complex

2. emotional walls that can never be broken down

3. suicide 

[definefeminine]

sick (and not the rad kind)

last night i had a dream about my vampire classmate. in the dream he stalked me.. approached me in a diner and offered me a piece of watermelon chewing gum. a nice gesture for a fellow peer who happens to be at this undisclosed restaurant after school. of course i ate it, i remember so vividly the flavor even as i lie awake in the real world. as i drove home from the diner i felt kinda funny, kinda hazy and i cried in terror because i realized the gum was LACED! it was late at night and he was tailing me on the freeway i just know it. well, i actually don’t know anything that happened next because i jolted awake in a cold sweat. it was 1pm already and time to start my day.

in my conscious awake i tried to make myself a smoothie full of vitamin c and antioxidants because the sick bug has bitten me right in the neck. of course today of all days my 10 year old nutribullet fails on me completely and reeks of burning rubber! so there i was, eating a half blended smoothie with a spoon, like a fool. for substance i toasted an everything bagel, one side butter one side goat cheese, so yummy. i sat outside and ate it and pondered the meaning of life for me in particular.

i left for work, my 40 minutes commute. there is a running race in the town of my sushi job and i could not find anywhere in the whole world to park besides right directly in front of the eerie back door. i thought, better this than 372 blocks away, so i took it. the poor busser boy keeps getting in over his head, and everyone is so annoyed with him. i try to feel bad but sometimes i feel like im only pretending to feel bad to seem more like a normal human. the day was fine, im doing the waitress things and taking orders and talking to felix the chef. i get paid on the 5th and the 20th, so i’ll get paid in one week, how much it will be is beyond my comprehension.

now back at home i feel sicker than before and i pray to some deity that it’s not strep throat. i curse myself for feeling grateful about having no congestion yesterday because she is here today. tomorrow i want to do nothing but i have to do something, don’t i?