definitelydissociative
definitelydissociative
I haven't met all of me yet.
3K posts
late 20's, dissociative and polyfragmented.
Don't wanna be here? Send us removal request.
definitelydissociative · 9 months ago
Text
Being in college has been a very strange experience for us so far--and I use "us" here because it's not just the school parts who are having a strange time. I'm absolutely not a school part, previous to returning from dormancy two years ago, I was only ever here to soak up the night time abuse. Now, somehow, I'm sitting here on a day off (it's reading week, thank god) and I'm typing this post to avoid doing homework. I somehow ended up roped into this whole mess, despite having been very, very vocally against attempting school again. I don't know how I feel about it now.
Initially, it seemed like it was all going to be one single part who handled our courses during the day and dealt with homework. Callie (the main school part) did it all on their own for the first few weeks, but I think they reached a point where she had a massive stress induced meltdown and has refused to touch homework since. Now it's just Callie who goes on campus, but there's a whole bunch of us who are contributing academically and in terms of support. There's a part who does all of our timed touch typing and typing drills. Phoenix gets us all ready to go in the morning. Luca is, apparently, the "bus guy" because nobody else can handle the stress of taking public transit here after being sexually harassed literally the first day we took the bus. I don't doubt there's more that I'm not aware of yet. Whoever is around contributes to homework, usually myself (Adam) or Jack. I'm working on a project for our graphic design-esque class, which is a brochure that's due tomorrow afternoon. Over the last week, I think it's passed between at least three of us, maybe four. It's incredibly strange to open up Canva and realize I have zero memory of what had been done by another part.
It's hard to deny the depth of our amnesia at this point. Memory sharing is weird, particularly between Jack and Callie, but most days when we get home from school and switch to home parts, nobody remembers that we'd had classes at all. Sometimes memories will be shared after the fact, though not always. It makes homework incredibly frustrating and difficult to keep track of--I've never had to be so rigorously organized before. It's just really, really fucking hard to sit down to work on an assignment and realize that I don't remember any of the lecture relevant to my assignments. It's exhausting, most of our extended homework sessions (some days I work six hours straight after school) are made so long because it takes up lots of time to track down the information we need.
Don't even get me started on dealing with trauma. It's a whole thing that needs its own post, but the short story is that we've been in deep, deep denial since disclosing to my mother went so badly last February. It's a huge part of why this blog was abandoned, actually. It's been a work in progress but that denial is finally fading and we're being forced to face the truth. The truth is just... unpredictable. It would be nice to keep, at the very least, the CSA flashbacks and triggers to at home, but it hasn't been working like that. I don't know enough about Callie's experiences to say what that's been like for her, but I am aware that it's been really distressing when she has her own school related trauma to deal with.
Anyways. I wrote this as a way to stall doing homework, but I should probably stop stalling and get the stupid thing done and over with. It's worth 20% of our final mark and I certainly don't want to get blamed for a shit mark because I refused to pitch in and be a team player.
I hate having to share my life sometimes. I just want to do my own thing, separate from the other chucklefucks and their bullshit.
3 notes · View notes
definitelydissociative · 9 months ago
Photo
Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media
October is ADHD awareness month! 🎉
The memory issues ADHD causes are some of the scarier and more frustrating parts of living with it - so here’s a set of reaction doodles that all my fellow ADHD peeps are welcome to use whenever anybody decides to comment on your forgetfulness ^ 
77K notes · View notes
definitelydissociative · 9 months ago
Text
We're tentatively considering coming back to this blog. It's been a long year and a half and a lot has changed. A lot hasn't. We're in college now, and it's been difficult. Our DID and C-PTSD symptoms have been really intrusive, and it's lonely, I guess. It would be nice to feel part of some kind of community again, especially if I can find more dissociative folks closer to my age.
3 notes · View notes
definitelydissociative · 2 years ago
Text
it's a small thing, but it just occured to me how much healthier my relationship with our system size has become. I used to be obsessed with figuring out exactly how many alters we have and cataloging their knowledge and how the connect to other parts, which was incredibly unhealthy and consumed a lot of my energy and time. it made the system feel unsafe for new parts and parts introducing themselves for the first time, because to reveal yourself was to subject yourself to interrogation. I think it was part OCD, part self doubt, and part self soothing. a nasty combination for someone with far too much down time and no real ways to keep busy. I was so hung up on whether or not I'm polyfragmented, as if I would be "allowed" to be as traumatized as I felt if I was. I still don’t feel like I'm allowed, even knowing what I do now.
in the last year, something shifted, and I just... don't really care about finding every part anymore. our part count continues to slowly rise, and I've made my peace with the fact that I will never know a large portion of my system. there are potentially hundereds of parts that have been dormant for up to twenty years, maybe longer, and they deserve to rest. digging them up from the only relief they ever knew just to get an accurate count feels cruel. there's others that are active right now that we don't know, but I've learned that they will show themselves when they're ready or realize they're separate parts.
I know it's not much, but it's kind of nice to realize I've been healing right under my nose. I feel so stuck most of the time.
7 notes · View notes
definitelydissociative · 2 years ago
Text
body armoring becomes so painful now that I've begun to connect with this body just a bit. I'm very aware of all of the tension I'm holding in my shoulders and back, my face, and my neck, and hurts to have my muscles constantly locked when I front, which is most nights and a lot of days. I'm making an active effort to unlock, but inevitably my concentration slips and I'm back to armoring until the pain builds back up to a point I can't ignore it. I'm kind of worried about the long term effects all of this constant tension will have on our body, I already have chronic pain from our hEDS and regular migraines. I don't want to wreck my back at 25.
3 notes · View notes
definitelydissociative · 2 years ago
Note
Hello! You mentioned using the BASK method for tracking parts. Would you mind expanding on that? It sounds really useful!
the BASK model of dissociation refers to a paper that braun wrote on how you can track different parts in both DID (then MPD) as well as PTSD and general dissociation, basically.
To apply it to DID, it basically looks like this:
B: Behavior. How does this dissociated part's behavior differ from the rest of the system, if at all? (i.e. Being a more logical part vs. a more emotional and creative part)
A: Affect. How does this part's expression or feeling of emotion differ from the rest of the system, if at all? (i.e. Feels but cannot physically express anger, feels and physically expresses anger, cannot not feel and does not physically express anger)
S: Sensation. How does this part's feeling of physical sensation, or sensation of self and the world around them, differ from the rest of the system? (i.e. How do they feel pain, do they themselves feel real and/or connected to the world, etc)
K: Knowledge. What does this part know that may differ from the rest of the system? (i.e. Childhood memories, memories of work/school but not home, memories of home but not work/school, etc)
It can basically help you track patterns in your thought processes and behaviors over time that help you to track switches and parts over time. It's a part of the reason that journaling can help.
218 notes · View notes
definitelydissociative · 2 years ago
Text
interesting how many of our kid/preeteen parts (we don't have many active or known teenagers for some reason) hold intense anger and cling to it for dear life. rage was a very, very prominent emotion in our childhood, as well as defiance. now I know that our system is heavily questioning whether we may have aspd or not, but every once in a while I am reminded that we most likely met the criteria for conduct disorder and/or intermittent explosive disorder and it catches me off guard. I think was a nightmare of a child, possibly just as much as my older brother.
4 notes · View notes
definitelydissociative · 2 years ago
Text
Being friends with someone who has DID as someone with DID is asking if you ever shared something, and them having to go "uhhh maybe??? I dont remember it either way."
65 notes · View notes
definitelydissociative · 2 years ago
Text
the way DID can convince me we aren't actively doing really fucking badly because I don't feel like that.
4 notes · View notes
definitelydissociative · 3 years ago
Text
so... we're planning on disclosing to our mother about the abuse from our father, and I'm pretty scared... but we've gotten to a point where if we are going to continue to try to rebuild our relationship with her... she needs to know, because I can't handle them being a package deal. if she chooses not to believe me, that's it. there's no fixing our relationship.
I'm going to talk to my therapist about it this afternoon, but if anyone has any advice on how to tell her, please please send me an ask or reply to this post.
6 notes · View notes
definitelydissociative · 3 years ago
Text
Tumblr media
5 notes · View notes
definitelydissociative · 3 years ago
Text
Tumblr media
538 notes · View notes
definitelydissociative · 3 years ago
Text
systems of tumblr,
do you guys..
- all share the main blog (as a “singlet” or otherwise) and have separate sideblogs for separate alters
or
- host’s blog is the main blog and other alters have separate sideblogs
101 notes · View notes
definitelydissociative · 3 years ago
Text
"brainmade alter" you mean a regular fucking alter??
81 notes · View notes
definitelydissociative · 3 years ago
Text
Tumblr media
ANOTHER KNIFE IN MY HANDS
4K notes · View notes
definitelydissociative · 3 years ago
Text
sometimes I feel like deleting this account. I’ve barely been active here for the last while and I just really don’t have much I feel like I can share about my life right now. there’s a lot going on but it’s Too Much for this blog.
2 notes · View notes
definitelydissociative · 3 years ago
Photo
Tumblr media
20K notes · View notes