definitelymoodymoonstruck

[definitelymoodymoonstruck]

Why dose being called “Brave” feel like an insult ?

why is it that most girls who are smaller in body size get called things like " beautiful " or "gorgeous"? but for me, a plus-sized woman get called "brave". I know being called brave isn't immediately an insult, but is more of the implication is that I'm " brave" for being fat. now I know the people calling me brave arnt looking to insult me.  but I'm really tired of going to a pool in my swimsuit and someone coming up to me complimenting my bravery. I do understand that they are trying to support me against a society that for a long time was telling me that I'm not beautiful unless I starve myself. or telling me that I'm only suitable to be someone's funny fat friend. but you also have to understand that when you call me brave you may be saying " you are a confident woman that doesn't need to be a size 0 to be considered beautiful ." but what I hear is " your so brave to be able to be fat and still dress like a normal human ".  I understand if someone is calling me brave for wearing bold makeup or speaking out about my mental health. but getting called brave for wearing shorts doesn't really sound like a compliment to me. I honestly wish I could be called beautiful or stunning. I may be the only woman on the planet that feels this way. but I would really like to get people's input on this.

yours truly ~moody  

[definitelymoodymoonstruck]

OCD in relationships

I never noticed this until recently, but OCD really affects my relationship with people. I'm not just talking romantically ( though in retrospect it didn't help ) but about relationships with my friends and family. I tend to talk to my parents when I have something freaking me out. so in between distracting myself with random shit and compulsively researching the topic, I talk to my parents. but I don't just talk to them about it once or twice. oh no no no that would be too normal. I have to bring it up like twelve times in an hour. which drives them crazy because they keep telling me the same thing they told me the last eleven times. for example, my family vacation which I had a full-on meltdown (which solidified my extended family's view of me as the family crazy ) every five minutes I was talking about the stupid fucking fictional asteroid (FFM for short :P ) or researching it to show it to them. (which probably ruined their vacation though they wouldn't tell me that )   the same things with my friends I keep asking the same things over and over again until they get frustrated and tell me to stop asking. then I apologize for acting like a complete nut case for the past hour. over and over again.   now that I'm self-aware of my need to ask the same line of questioning constantly. I'm trying to stop doing this. so consider this post as a formal apology to all those which I have annoyed and pestered in the past. I truly didn't know that this was a pattern which I was perpetuating. is this just me or is this a common thing? ill leave that up to you I guess.

yours truly. ~ Moody        

[definitelymoodymoonstruck]

hello

My name is Moody. I don't think anybody is really going to read any of this. But in case they do ... Here go's nothing. For all intense purposes, my name is Moody. I'll let you debate why that is, and yes like the title of the blog says. I do have OCD. For those of you who don't know what that is, I will tell you. Obsessive-compulsive disorder or OCD as it is most commonly called is a form of Anxiety. It is where our brain can't really let things go. So we end up doing these things called compulsion. I'll give you an example because I'm bad at explaining things. let's say you are freaked out thinking your house is going to be robed, so to make yourself feel better you go around checking that all the doors and windows to your house are locked. the obsession is the fear of being robbed, the compulsion is constantly checking the doors and windows. that's OCD in a nutshell. well, at least the way I understand it. you see I have had OCD my entire life. but I've only recently been diagnosed. When I first started to go to therapy I was 15. me and my dad when to the doctor so I could get a Physical for sports. the doctor did all the usual stuff; tested my eye site, made sure I was up to date on my shots, asked me why I was so overweight ( which by the way is an incredibly fucked up thing to tell a 15-year-old who already and low self-esteem. ) I don't know how it led to this but after the physical, he gave me a depression test. which I then scored high on. You're probably sitting there saying “I thought this was about you having OCD not depression ” I'm getting to that. so he recommended my dad take me to a therapist. when I got there the lady asked me a couple of questions about how I was feeling and why I was feeling this way, and I told her. up to that point most of my depression was because I would worry so much then get depressed then vise versa. after that, she diagnosed me with anxiety and depression. after that, I would end up going to therapy regularly for the next 7 years. but for those 7 years, nothing was working. my therapist was really confused about what was happening to me. why wasn't I showing any improvement? it wasn't until I almost ended up in the hospital that I would figure out that I was misdiagnosed. I was about to spend an awesome vacation with my family. I was pumped we were going to leave in two days when it happened. I was just scrolling through ticktock when I came across a video where a guy was talking about an asteroid that would destroy the earth next march. in my head, I knew this was bullshit. I told myself over and over it was bull shit. but my OCD already took over. my entire vacation I was obsessively searching the internet for something to make me feel better. trying to distract me from the fear of my possible impending doom. someone to debunk this, or to give me a plan of things they would do to stop this from happening. nothing worked. even after the vacation ended I was still losing it. I. COULD. NOT. LET.GO! my mom and dad even talked to me about possibly going to a hospital for a while. it wasn't until I was talking to a friend of mine about all the stuff I was losing my shit over. that he asked me how long I had been dealing with OCD that it clicked. After that, I finally started to get the help I needed. we were able to figure out a system that helped me pull myself out of my constant stream of obsessions. I finally started to get better. you know as better as someone like me can be. I cant get rid of my OCD but I now know how to deal with it. know that your all caught up on my mantel health journey. You're probably wondering why I'm writing all this here. to be frank with you I'm not entirely sure. maybe the premise of this is to show the people like me that there not alone. whether they know it or not. maybe it's to show people who don't know what OCD is what it's really like . or maybe it's just so I can find people who are like me. whatever the reason I'm glad your here.   I guess ill end this post here: and ill see you all next week. yours truly ~ Moody