deidarac

[deidarac]

sobbing like a big fucking baby rn.

i truly can't have ONE good day lol...

idk what's wrong with me. it's like ive lost all my will to do anything. i had all of spring break to fix my grade in this class. i had all of spring break to do my spanish project, and i did NONE of it. because i just couldn't be bothered ig, and now it's biting me in the ass. im so frustrated. i feel so fucking worthless. and helpless, like i cant fix anything ive ruined because im a fucking idiot. i SHOULD fucking kill myself because genuinely what the hell do i have to look forward to???? getting actively molested while nobody gives a fuck, failing school, failing at life in general??? just a bad day after another, only to be told "idk how to help" by people you TRY to ask for help. im not worth the hassle, that's all it is. my problems are too much, for me and for those around me. shit genuinely WOULD be easier for people if i wasn't here consistently ruining every fucking thing i come across. im just done dude. i cant stand being a complete failure or a fuck up no matter what i do. i try, so fucking hard. i go to work 4-5 days a week, i babysit whenever i can, i do xyz for my parents, i get yelled at by my parents daily, i try in school as much as i possibly can, i try to be a good friend/girlfriend/whatever ppl consider me, and im just tired of not being enough and just life fucking punching me every single day. im not exaggerating, i haven't had one good, perfect day in fucking MONTHS. my birthday was shit, easter was shit, going out has just been shit. i genuinely want to get out of here. i dont want to be me anymore, everything just sucks when you're me. i hate being the problem, i hate being unlovable, i hate being worthless, i hate looking how i do, and im just so unbelievably tired. i cant even fucking sleep anymore, i just want it all to stop

[deidarac]

watching people around me get better while i sit here with 6500 mg of acetaminophen, no food, on my way to my job is a strange feeling i can never explain.

[deidarac]

😒 you ever just wanna

👊 💥🙍‍♂️

😡

🤬🤬🤬🤬

rage

enraged 🤬🤬🤬

👊💥💥💥🙍‍♂️

[deidarac]

pick your head up ho why are we crying on our birthday 😒

[deidarac]

oh lord above, if you are real, please smite my manager who can't keep his hands to himself. please burn down my establishment of employment so that i may either be engulfed in its flames of rage, or otherwise so that the one troubling me may turn to ash only to be blown away by the wind; a meaningless end to his meaningless life. please lift - off of my sore shoulders - the burden of existing in the same timeframe as this man, who has terrorized my life daily for months on end. i ask of you, lord, to bring me peace in this time of utter disaster and despair.

in other news, my bdays in 2 dayss!!! ^^

amen.

[deidarac]

i yearn to chop off my tits, but without my sexuality, what else does this lump of fat i call a body have to offer to the world?

[deidarac]

if i was skinny, i think id be so, so pretty.

i have pretty eyes, nice lips, and a generally decent face. my hair is nice, my skins clear (95% of the time). but im not pretty, because my body counters that.

if i was thin, id be unstoppable.

[deidarac]

I FUCKING HATE THIS CLASSSSS PLS GUYS GET ME OUT OF HERE

[deidarac]

euurgh spanish class rant cuzz lowkey im gonna fucking KILL MYSELF!!! ^^

birthday in 6 days, april is sa survivor month, andd in spanish class we're talking about our childhoods and stuff. oh it just never endsss..

my birthdays been making me feel kinda shitty? im trying to load the next week up with shit to do because if i sit there and think about it for too long, ill start remembering things. ("remember how you and [my sa'er #1] used to share bdays? remember your guys' minecraft cake? remember him asking you to go upstairs on his bday?") .. i usually don't think about it THIS much, but this year i am so.. yay!!?!

but that'll be fixed. today im going out w a friend, tomorrow im seeing my sister's play and babysitting, saturday i have a tea party for my aunt (idk why?), sunday i work.. then wednesdayz the big day, my family will come over probably (hopefully not him but yk what if he does there's nothing i can do about it), thursday im hanging out w the boyf, and friday im going to six flags. i should be ok. probably not, but ill be distracted most of the time at least that's good (OH and my friends jake and ash wanna hangout soon >.< that'll help BIG TIME.. jst getting high in general will help frfr)

then spanish class. we're talking about childhood and shit, and every single day is just triggering me atp. we even talked about playing house (oh the memories!!!) like thx maestra, now i gotta remember being made to play bf/gf and being told "this is normal, people do this!!!"

THEN IT'S FUCKING APRIL ON TOP OF THAT. SA MONTH!!!! YAY!!!! .. my entire fyp is sa atp. i feel like a bad person for saying this lowkey, but i dont want to hear about or see all these people's stories right now euurfchfhf

anyways i have to get ready for school BIG TIME so..bye.

[deidarac]

hey guys... believe it or not im not always depressed so i made a second tumblr 👅

@happyepictimez

(yes alan i stole this idea from u fu )

[deidarac]

how much aura do i lose for crying like a baby at work rn?

[deidarac]

me when my parents are mad at me cuz idk when to shut my mouth...

[deidarac]

im so stupid

[deidarac]

OH!!! AND BTW !!

god, its so simple! what was i thinking! .. i should've just simply chose for this not to happen!

this is about rape btw. cis men try not to be fucking dense and ignorant to a huge problem ruining the lives of hundreds of thousands of women and young girls yearly. in the united states ALONE.

personal experience incoming!!!

"don't put yourself in situations where that can happen". i was 8. it didn't stop until i was 10. it happened in the daytime, at nighttime, in the afternoon, in my sleep. how was i supposed to defend myself?? what weapon was i to be carrying??

in my case, it was cocsa. so my cousin was still young, but he was still older than me. much stronger, much taller.

what happened to me - and what happened/continues to happen to so many other females - is NOT mine or their faults.

that's almost 2 years of my life where i was being touched in ways i didn't like. yes, my abuser wuz a kid and whatnot but cocsa is a bitch lemme tell you.. and when it was happening, wtf was i supposed to do??" i was sleeping a good 1/3 of the time. playing minecraft with my older cousin shouldn't turn into him touching me, i didn't ask for that and it wasn't something i could've just predicted????

and yes, parents are a child's "first line of defense" or whatever, but that's not ALWAYS the case. they're SUPPOSED to be, but even then how tf would my mom have known??? she was sleeping or working every time, it was NEVER her fault either. it's only my abusers fault.

i fucking hate when men try to talk about this shit. most of them haven't gone thru this type of thing before, but they wanna say it's sooo easy to just stop the abuse. like WHAT ..... i hope it never happens to them, because if it does, it's gonna fuck them up BAD. it's not something you expect or anything that's predictable, it's something that somebody DECIDED to do to you, and they manipulate you into silence and shit, and you essentially are trapped feeling disgusted with yourself and never really finding peace with it. just take one look at me and you'll see just how bad it is. how awful my mental state is because of that shit.

anyways. i fucking hate the internet. shitty day now because im genuinely so fucking frustrated.

[deidarac]

this is about rape btw. cis men try not to be fucking dense and ignorant to a huge problem ruining the lives of hundreds of thousands of women and young girls yearly. in the united states ALONE.

personal experience incoming!!!

"don't put yourself in situations where that can happen". i was 8. it didn't stop until i was 10. it happened in the daytime, at nighttime, in the afternoon, in my sleep. how was i supposed to defend myself?? what weapon was i to be carrying??

in my case, it was cocsa. so my cousin was still young, but he was still older than me. much stronger, much taller.

what happened to me - and what happened/continues to happen to so many other females - is NOT mine or their faults.

that's almost 2 years of my life where i was being touched in ways i didn't like. yes, my abuser wuz a kid and whatnot but cocsa is a bitch lemme tell you.. and when it was happening, wtf was i supposed to do??" i was sleeping a good 1/3 of the time. playing minecraft with my older cousin shouldn't turn into him touching me, i didn't ask for that and it wasn't something i could've just predicted????

and yes, parents are a child's "first line of defense" or whatever, but that's not ALWAYS the case. they're SUPPOSED to be, but even then how tf would my mom have known??? she was sleeping or working every time, it was NEVER her fault either. it's only my abusers fault.

i fucking hate when men try to talk about this shit. most of them haven't gone thru this type of thing before, but they wanna say it's sooo easy to just stop the abuse. like WHAT ..... i hope it never happens to them, because if it does, it's gonna fuck them up BAD. it's not something you expect or anything that's predictable, it's something that somebody DECIDED to do to you, and they manipulate you into silence and shit, and you essentially are trapped feeling disgusted with yourself and never really finding peace with it. just take one look at me and you'll see just how bad it is. how awful my mental state is because of that shit.

anyways. i fucking hate the internet. shitty day now because im genuinely so fucking frustrated.

[deidarac]

actually im not even crashing out im jst done

[deidarac]

crash out crash out crash out