deletedasrequested22

[deletedasrequested22]

00:21 - Monday 10th January 2022

I guess there’s a fear. that the more you get to know me, the more you’ll see how imperfect of a man I am. and perhaps you will get bored and leave. And I dread that. I dread it a lot.

[deletedasrequested22]

03:47am - Saturday, the 1st of January 2022.

I think I’m falling for her. And I don’t like it. I don’t want to go down this hole again. It’s weird, she came at a time that I needed someone to be there for me. And she was there. Every single time. Whether it was early in the morning or late at night. She was there. She is there. And it worries me, because there has been so much emotional reliance there and I didn’t even realise how much she meant until the others started flirting with her. Until my friend would constantly ask her out, even though she says no. And I can’t even tell him how I feel about this. Because what we have, whatever it is, remains a secret that she wishes to keep. And I don’t want to fuck it up by telling the others to back off. Respecting her privacy, I guess - but it kind of haunts me. Because that’s exactly what I did for you. Hiding everything so that anyone and everyone can feel like she’s single and they pounce on her. My friend, the one who asked her out tonight decided to stay the night. We went to bed in the same bed and he conked out. But I just couldn’t bring myself to fall asleep next to him. So I snuck out of the room and I’m sleeping on the couch tonight. Fuck, why do I feel like this? Fuck. Fuck. FUCK. These feelings, I’m not ready to embrace them. She’s all I think about nowadays. And I don’t want to fuck things up by wearing my heart on my sleeve. Not again.

[deletedasrequested22]

21st December, 02:16 - The Family You Choose.

good friends.

good food.

good highs.

good mood.

good moments.

not so good goodbyes.

good memories to hold onto.

but bittersweet also,

as we know

we cannot go back.

this is it, isn’t it?

this is all life is supposed to be.

fleeting moments, with strangers-turned-friends.

yet somehow, it’s enough.

to know that there are folk around me

that care with their full

unyielding hearts.

they send me joy, and in return I amuse.

they truly are the family I choose.

[deletedasrequested22]

The Manipulator portrays him or herself as a victim of circumstance or of someone else's behaviour in order to gain pity, sympathy or evoke compassion and thereby get something from another.

The caring and conscientious people cannot stand to see anyone suffering.

The manipulator, however, often finds it easy to play on these feelings of sympathy to get cooperation.

- George K Simon Jr (author)

Funny how we can read about the characteristics of humanity, yet nothing can prepare us for it until we’ve lived through it ourselves. Only then do we know the true intentions of our fellow man. Only then do we know.

[deletedasrequested22]

20th December 21. 14:45, Sticks & Stones.

A phrase from the 1800’s states that sticks and stones may break your bones, but that words will never hurt you. It’s a response to an insult, implying that "You might be able to hurt me by physical force but not by insults".

I think it’s the opposite for me. You can inflict harm on me physically. That doesn’t bother me. Scratch, bite, hit, dent. I’m fine with it. But it’s the words.. it’s the words that really stick to me. And hey - that’s my ammunition. To focus on exactly what you said and use that to try and move forward. She tells me not to do that. To focus on the good. But it’s not necessarily effective though. How does one move on when all they do is look back? I’d rather focus on the things that stung. The words that help me realise that you don’t want anything to do with me.

You’re perfect for me. You’re just not right for me.

I’m not going to fight for you. I don’t want to fight for you.

I hate myself when I’m with you.

They linger at the back of my head like a stupid pop song that you just can’t shake. But perhaps this is a blessing. Perhaps it’s somewhat also a curse. Depending on how you look at things. I’m fine though. Moving forward. Hope you’re having a great time.

[deletedasrequested22]

Today was a hard one. Not because of you. Don’t get me wrong. It was just fucking hard. My inner thoughts surface sometimes. Feelings of unworthiness and irrelevance. At the end of the day, when I’m alone.. I guess I just realise how much of a sad person I am. And it hurts, a lot. And it feels like I can’t talk to anyone about it, because they all know me as an individual who’s always happy. When in actual reality, I’m not. There’s a lot of things that are wrong with me and it’s hard to ignore it all sometimes. It’s hard to stop myself from feeling. I wish it was easy.

[deletedasrequested22]

11th December 2021; 01:52am. - Guilt

She tells me she feels guilty. I ask her why. She tells me that he’s out there, and he’s all alone in a new city. With no friends, no family. And she’s out here making new friends, going on adventures. Living her best life. And she feels guilty. “I’m glad you found people to hang out with.” he says. Hearing these words makes her realise just how much of an amazing man he is. How much of an amazing person he always has been. And she feels like she doesn’t deserve that. She feels like he’s the best thing that’s ever happened to her. She misses him, but she knows in her heart that they shouldn’t talk anymore. Not for the next while anyways. Until they’ve both moved on. Because it hurts so much seeing the one you love be upset. I told her to call him. She said she doesn’t think that’s the best idea. “What if he doesn’t want to talk to me?” “Call him,” I say. “Call him and tell him everything you’re telling me right now. And don’t hold back. The only way you’ll get closure is if you pour your heart out to him and get all those thoughts off your chest.” I’ve never met this guy. I’ve only ever known her and her side of the story. I’ve never met him. But for some reason, I understand what he’s going through. Having lost someone he loves due to the fear of the future. Due to the fear that it won’t ever go anywhere because of family. I get his situation. It hurts. It truly does. But we can’t stop moving forward. All we can do is look back and smile at the fond memories. But if not getting closure is something that’s holding you back from moving on - then get that closure. I hope all of our hearts find peace.

[deletedasrequested22]

10th December 2021, 00:44

I’m tired. I’m just so tired. But I can’t sleep. So here I am, writing. To you? Possibly. If you’re reading this, hey haha. So get this, yeah? I was told today by a friend that I could possibly have ADHD? I mean, do you reckon that’s true? I feel like maybe my attention span isn’t as high as the average person because I tend to get distracted quite quickly. But ADHD? Nah, it couldn’t be. That being said, I have been told that I tend to be in my own little world. My own bubble. My primary school teachers used to make that same complaint to my parents every single parent-teacher meeting. On top of that, Papa would always say that I’m absent-minded. That I don’t really pay attention, nor do I have the patience to. I’ve had a few ex girlfriends say that I get distracted also. But ADHD? I mean, maybe? I’d be too scared to get that checked out. I don’t want the doctors saying that there’s something wrong with me. I don’t want to have to face that. It’s hard being told that there’s something defected in you, and having to face that truth scares the fuck out of me. Anyways. That’s all I’ve got to share for tonight. It’s just the thought.. of everything, that’s keeping me awake. I wish I had the peace of mind that you have. I envy how much you’re able to take control of your emotions. Look after yourself. You’re in my thoughts, also. As always. Goodnight L.

[deletedasrequested22]

7th December 2021, 18:59.

I sat in my old car today,

and all I could think about was you

about us.

all those adventures that we had;

parking by the coast,

kisses in the backseat,

running into the cold water.

two kids in love.

it really was just us against the world,

that’s what it felt like.

you were everything to me.

and if you asked me to give you the moon, I would have.

but it feels like all I was to you was

someone to hold onto

for the moment.

I guess to you that’s all I ever have been.

temporary.

[deletedasrequested22]

01:55am - 1st December 2021. I’ll be waiting.

My flame. I’m here to remind you, that no matter what.. you have me.

If, at any point you need someone to turn to.

If, at any point you feel like you are at your lowest and need reassurance or validation.

If, at any point you want my love and you return;

I will welcome you with a warm embrace and a kiss that will put fire into your soul.

Whether it’s for a month, a week, a day, or even an hour. You have my heart, always.

& I will wait for the day that you return.

[deletedasrequested22]

20:19 - 29th November 2021. Last Monday of the month yo.

God, I’m like. SO tired. Running on 4 hours of sleep from last night. But I guess that’s a good thing because I get to sleep peacefully tonight. I’ve got this poor habit of staying awake and watching YouTube videos though. And it’s funny, because most ‘studies’ mention that you’ve gotta put the phone away an hour before you go to bed. You know, to have a productive sleep. REM cycle. Deep sleep. It’s a terrible habit that I gotta break out of. Truth be told, I wanted to reach out to you today. I was at our old spot, the old Cafe Nero on Dawson St, and I guess memories started to come back. A small part of me hoped that you’d maybe come down to see me. but I mean, I promised I wouldn’t talk to you. I guess, to make things easier? I hope that’s the ultimate outcome. I can’t help but feel like a bystander in your life now though, when I was once a main character. But hey, such is life. “We move,” as you used to say. I hope you’re well. Look after yourself x

[deletedasrequested22]

26th November 2021 - the ‘last’ time we kissed.

There are nights where I can’t sleep. because all that runs through my mind is her. It does not matter how tired I am. My heart increases in beats, I can hear it through my pillow. & all I can think about is if she will be mine again, once more. If not for a lifetime, then atleast for a little while longer. & I would give anything, just to spend another moment in her embrace. All I am left with is a mark on the neck. a sweet reminder. a souvenir of all the love we shared. Beautiful memories, perhaps that’s all they were. There’s one thing I know for sure though. Our love was cinematic.

[deletedasrequested22]

unattainable - 20/11/21.

I see you shining up there.

& all of a sudden, it occurs to me how different

both of our lives are.

you look incredible as your smile beams in that well-lit hall

beautiful.

genuine happiness across your face

as you recieve your awards,

with your dressed up friends.

while I’m here,

with friends of my own

in this dim-lit living room,

getting high beyond my senses.

and perhaps this realisation

that we’re from different worlds

is sign enough for me to know

that you aren’t supposed to be mine.

that we’ll never be on the same level.

the same degree.

you deserve more.

[deletedasrequested22]

09:03, 18th November 2021 - colder mornings.

in Bengali culture, we have a pillow called a kol balish. which translates directly to “a hug pillow.” something that I’ve never used in my life. but I found myself clutching onto as I woke up this morning. I think I miss you more than I let on.

these cold winter mornings that I get out of bed. to run errands for the household, whether it be groceries, or dropping the kid to school. I come back home, and return back into the duvet - only, I think of you. and how much happiness it would bring me to crawl back into the bedsheets and find you there. half asleep, but smiling at my presence. I would kiss your cheeks, and hold you close. and for a moment, I would appreciate how everything in my life is perfect.

this is what I want with you, someday. I’m a dreamer, and while I know that it’s unlikely.. you are the only person I can imagine myself waking next to. to come home to. to spend the rest of my life with. nothing else would come close to the warmth you bring to my heart.

but for now, I go to bed alone. I wake up alone. trying to keep myself warm in this solitary foetal position. as I drift off to sleep, with only you on my mind.

[deletedasrequested22]

23:52 - it’s never enough, is it?

I’m pretty comfortable in my own skin, I’m happy as an individual. sure, I’d acknowledge my shortcomings and have tried to amend myself, but all in all, I’m satisfied.

however.. knowing that I may never be good enough for her.. well, atleast by her family’s standards.. it’s a stab to my self esteem. every single time she tells me that her family will ‘NEVER’ accept me, it makes me look at myself and ask “Is what I can offer her so little? Why am I not enough?” and it feels like I’ve been stripped of her. it feels like she was mine, and now she’s not. and I’m left here, worthless and stupid.

stupid me, right? for thinking I was ever good enough for her.

[deletedasrequested22]

10:13am - 17th November 2021. Broken.

I wish that we could fast forward this part of our lives. ‘til we get to the good part where both of our hearts are at ease. whether it’s with each other, or with other people. but I hope it’s the former, as the idea of the latter hurts my heart. and perhaps that seems selfish. but I don’t really care. you’re all that I have ever wanted, and nobody else seems to matter.

[deletedasrequested22]

01:12, November 17th - 2021.

And alas, we come to an end again. The last thing I’d want is for you to feel stressed due to this relationship-of-sorts. This is supposed to make you happy. I want to make you happy. But if I am chaos for your mind right now, then I understand why you must leave. But in my heart, I hope someday you will return to me my love.

And I will love you, no matter what. And I will wait patiently, until you are ready to meet me halfway. Until then, I will keep fighting for the both of us. Because you are all I’ve ever wanted. You are all that I’ll ever need.

I love you LS.