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LMK Incorrect Quotes 9#

May the pandemonium commence!

(MK sees Nezha stroking a fluffy critter.)

MK: Aaaaaawwww~ Can I pet it? Is that your cat?!

Nezha: 1. I cannot afford the time and attention  for pets. 2. This “cat” is a skunk. 

MK: O-o…….

MK: Uuuuuuuuhhhh, then why are you treating it like a cat? Wouldn’t it have sprayed you by now?!

Nezha: Spray me? Well I wouldn’t have to worry about that considering it attacked poor Red Son first. 

(Cue feral screaming from inside Nezha’s temple as he tries and fails to clean out the skunk spray.) 

Nezha: I have yet to receive my order of  “Godly Cleanliness” from Lao Tzu’s lab. Could you go check for me and I’ll pay you a couple of gold coins?

MK holding up his sketchbook: Can you pay me instead by telling the story of how Red Boy got bested by a skunk?!

Red Son who somehow overheard everything: CURSE YOU DAMN, NOODLE-OBSESSED, IDIOTIC PEASANT!!!

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(The gang is getting ready for a big party at Chang’e’s when-)

Mei: *FERAL SCREAMING*

MK: MEI!!! WHAT HAPPENED?!

Redson: WHO DARES TO LAY A HAND ON MY FUTURE BRIDE?!?! 

Nezha: What?

Redson: NOTHING!!!

Nezha: Suuuuuure. 

(Mei holds up a sparkly red dress with matching heels. It also comes with golden accessories and two hair bows of ruby and gold.)

Mei: MY MOM MUST HAVE SWITCHED THE AWESOME DRESS I CHOSE FOR MYSELF FOR THIS- DIVA CRAP!!!!

MK: Wait, wasn’t the dress you chose the black one with the cool flames and stuff?

Mei: Yes….. AND MY MOM MUST HAVE SAW IT AND GOT RID OF IT FOR THIS FUSSY ABOMINATION!!!!! I CANNOT AND WILL NOT GO IN THIS! 

Redson: Ahem. I may have a solution to your predicament, Dragon Horse Girl. *Eyes Nezha’s outfit that consist of black dress shoes, pink dress pants, a matching tuxedo jacket, and a white dress shirt minus a tie.*

Nezha: Uuuuuhh, what?!

Redson: Mei, would you rather wear Nezha’s outfit?

Mei: *Considers it carefully.* Heeeeeeyy, I never wore a suit before!! It might be fun! And I wouldn’t have to worry about a stupid tie right?!

Nezha: So I guess I forfeit my place tonight so Mei can go in a style she prefers. I’ll see you three tomorrow!

Redson: What?! NO! I’m suggesting you two just switch outfits!!

Nezha: …….WTF-

(A few hours later at Chang’e’s party.) 

Princess Iron Fan: HOT DAMN IS THAT NEZHA?!?!

DBK: *Chokes on his food from being utterly flabbergasted.*

Peach Maiden 1: Oh buck. The Third Lotus Prince IS bucking gorgeous tonight!!

Peach Maiden 2: Freaking fabulous!!

Peach Maiden 3: Oh no, I think I’m in love…

Queen Mother of the West: Oh my, what in the name of all that is holy is the divine beauty the lotus prince graced us with tonight?!

Pigsy: WHAT THE FREAKING, FLYING, FLIPPING, NOODLES?!?! 

Tang: He puts all of us mere ugly mortals to shame!! *Starts sobbing hysterically.*

Sandy: Wow…………

Chang’e totally snapping photos: OHMYGOSH HE’S FREAKING DARLING AND I WANT TO DRESS HIM UP WITH MY ENTIRE WARDROBE~

Totally not the celestial warriors collapsing from Nezha’s sheer ravishing looks lol: X-X…..

Macaque: …….Damn. I can’t laugh because the lil prince is too hot in that outfit.

Sun Wukong: WHO THE ACTUAL HECK MANAGED TO GET NEZHA OF ALL PEOPLE TO WEAR A DRESS?!?!

As for Nezha himself: Why do I have a feeling I’m going to be hounded by suitors for the rest of my eternity?…

Peng who snuck in: Oh, don’t worry about that precious jewel~ I’ll protect you~ (Has slided up to Nezha and cups his cheek.)

(On cue Erlang smashes into the predatory Peng and casts him into the deepest pits of the Underworld.)

Erlang Shen: GET YOUR FILTHY FEATHERS OFF OF MY BEAUTIFUL BABY BOY YOU BLASTED BASTARD!!!

Erlang Shen: Oh, by the way Lil Lotus, you look adorable as always~ *Hugs Nezha protectively.* 

Nezha glaring at Redson: And THIS is why I don’t normally wear dresses. 

Redson: Noted….

(Not MK and Mei being totally oblivious to everything as they have a food fight at the buffet table lol.)

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(Sandy hosts a tea therapy session complete with all his cats.)

Sandy: Now let’s all sit down and give ourselves a moment to talk about our feelings! 

Erlang Shen: Ok fine, I feel nothing. Like I do everyday. 

DBK: I feel as if the world should be rightfully mine…

Princess Iron Fan: I swear, I’m usually sick of everyone nowadays!! I can’t help but toss them back a couple thousand miles with my fan! 

Pigsy: UGH!!! I’M JUST TRYNG TO RUN A RESTAURANT AND PROVIDE FOR MY KID WITHOUT ALL THIS MONKEY KING CRAP OK?!?!

Tang: I feel so useless and worthless….

Redson & Nezha: Spare time for fleeting, fanciful feelings? Ha! Time is better spent being productive! 

Chang’e: I’M SO SORRY BABE THAT I ATE THAT STUPID PEACH!!!! *Cries over her long-lost love.*

Sun Wukong: I still hate sly, dark, and brooding over there.

Macaque: And I hate short, smelly, and sunny over there even more.

Sun Wukong: HEEEEEYYY! YOU TAKE THAT BACK!!! 

Mei: Is it bad I kind of want to set the world on fire?

DBK Family: *GASP* US TOO!!!

Everyone in the room: WITH ALL OF US IN IT?!?!

Erlang Shen: And this is why you don’t leave Heaven for a stupid steak sandwich. 

Princess Iron Fan: I beg your pardon?…

Erlang Shen: Your not stupid princess, however, marrying overcooked beef over there was the one time you did something stupid.

Princess Iron Fan ready to declare war: COME OVER AND SAY THAT AGAIN TO MY FACE YOU DAMN HALF-MUTT!!!!

Erlang Shen ready for war: With pleasure Mrs. Steak Sandwich~

(Cue fighting inside Sandy’s boat before Nezha has enough and nukes everyone with lotus petals that sedates everyone but himself.)

Nezha: Ugh, I’m surrounded by idiots. 

MK who totally came late: Uuuuuuhhh, did I miss anything?….

Nezha: Oh! Not at all MK! It’s just naptime. So how about you tell me how you feel?

MK: I feel sad.

Nezha: I feel sad too, MK. *Hugs MK to share comfort.*

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MK: Time for a picnic gang! I brought the noodles!

Redson: I brought the grill, prepared meat, and extra spices!

Nezha: I have the plates, utensils, napkins, bug spray, first aid kit, extra cash, spare containers for leftovers, emergency flares, sunscreen, enough water bottles and hats for everyone I hope. 

Bai He: I brought a picnic quilt my grandma helped me make! And some cookies we made this morning too!

Mei: I brought the grenades :3

All the kids but Mei: ……..

MK: And you brought those for-

Mei: To chuck them at biker gangs, duh!

Nezha: Young lady. You dispose those grenades this instant and get the coffee you were assigned to bring! Heaven knows I need it already…

Mei: UGH. Fine, mom! 

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Sandy: Do you like cats? *Currently covered in cats with Mo on top of his head.*

Erlang Shen: Uuuuuuhhh, I have a dog.

Sandy: Come on! Dogs can be cat people too! Just give them a chance!

Erlang Shen: Well in Xiaotian’s case I’m afraid-

(Xiaotian notices a calico cat among Sandy’s posse and begins to howl in agony.)

Xiaotian: ARRRRROOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Sandy: O-O!!!!

Mo & Cat Company: Meooooow?!?!

Erlang comforting his dog: Sssshhh, it’s ok boy. You see, my puppy boy made the mistake of falling for a calico cat. But she dumped him for some Siamese tom and my poor Xiao was heartbroken for years….

(Mo comes up to comfort Xiaotian.)

Mo in cat speak: It’s not your fault, you deserved better buddy…

Sandy’s cats in cat speak: That calico was a b*tch…

Sandy’s calico cat in cat speak: I hope that wasn’t my two-timing ancestress on my dad’s side…. 

[delighteddistractions555]

Nezha Themed Treasure Box

[delighteddistractions555]

Nezha Bookmark

Front to back.

[delighteddistractions555]

Early Father’s Day Treat

Enjoy this early one-shot for Father’s Day!

Erlang woke up to the clamor of someone clumsily stumbling into his house. Hhhhhmmm, who's the brazen intruder that so graciously stopped by? He lazily stretched in bed, taking his sweet time to get ready before finally leaving the room twenty minutes after the intruder broke in. Xiaotian began barking, not in the get-the-heck-out-of-my-house manner but rather in the welcome-back-friend manner. The demigod chuckled as he got a whiff of wet mud, sweat, and lotus petals. He sidestepped the trail of mud as he eyed his couch being held hostage by his unexpected house guest. 

“Morning Lil Lotus, you came to cook us breakfast?” The elder immortal teased as he knelt down to poke an exasperated Nezha’s cheek. “Shut up old mutt…” The Third Lotus Prince grumbled as he buried his head deeper into the couch cushions. Erlang chuckled in amusement as he pried the unhappy god from the couch. Adjusting him in his grip, almost cradling him like a child. “Now Nezzie, I kinda want my couch today. So let’s get you tucked in nicely into your bedroom. We will talk later, ok?” 

“Mmmmfff, fine. Sorry for tracking mud…” The younger warrior groaned tiredly as his mentor/irritating big brother figure carried him up the stairs. “It’s alright kiddo, Xiaotian drags in worse.” The older war god laughed as he swung open the door to the bedroom usually reserved for his junior brother. The place was painted a light lotus pink and decorated with flowers kept in eternal bloom. Furnished with a desk, a wardrobe, an armor stand, a chest, and a nicely sized bed with a pink comforter and plenty of pillows. Erlang gently tucked in the enervated god, ruffling the latter’s fluffy hair. “Get some sleep squirt, or I’m grounding you okay?” “Shut up, dad.” Came the snappy reply before the younger god finally succumbed to exhaustion.

Erlang chuckled in amusement, “Still a cute little brat no matter how grown-up he believes he is…” A couple of hours later, Nezha woke up feeling a little better than he had before passing out. However, he felt something tied up in his hair. He glanced at the mirror next to his wardrobe and groaned, “Why the freaking, sly bastard!” The fiery marshal left the bedroom to confront the wily demigod. Said demigod on the couch peacefully drinking coffee with his canine companion lounged lazily next to him. Erlang opened one eye as he spotted his house guest, “Nice hairdo Lil Lotus~ Maybe you should keep it.”

“Frick no.” Nezha growled, failing to look as imitating as usual with the big, red bow tied to the back of his mane. The older celestial snickered unapologetically as he said, “I also tested a new little enchantment on it so it doesn’t come off.” The lotus prince’s eyes widened as he attempted to tear off the offending bow only to fail miserably. After five minutes of desperate tugging he gave up. “I hate you.” Nezha glared at the smug culprit on the couch. “Aaaaww, I love you too short stuff~” Erlang grinned back teasingly. 

While a ticked off lotus deity stormed off to claim the shower. The owner of the house continued to lay back in total relaxation without a care in the world. Just enjoying some dark roast caffeine, listening to Xiaotian lightly snooze, and savor the rare occasion of time off for himself. Eventually, Nezha returned to the living room all cleaned up. Sporting a pink shirt with white lotus blossoms and turquoise jeans with lotus stitching. The enchanted bow is still present in his now shimmering mane. 

“Good morning, or more like good afternoon cutie. Thanks for finally gracing me and Xiao with your adorable presence~” Erlang smirked once more. Nezha did his best to resist pouting, knowing he would just give the damn bastard across from him more leeway to tease him. “Whatever. Did you leave any coffee for me?” Nezha asked. Erlang shrugged, “Eh. A little bit. I’m sure it wouldn’t hurt to brew some more for us.” “You just want me to cook for you, lazy mutt.” The younger prince deadpanned. 

The elder prince shot back, “Hey!! I cook for myself just fine. Thank you very much! I just appreciate your culinary talents kiddo. However, on the topic of you, what drove you out of the heavens today Nezha?” The fiery god backtracked as he said, “Actually, I’ve had a real craving for noodles! Let me whip up some-“ Before Nezha could retreat to the kitchen he suddenly found himself teleported from the spot he stood at into Erlang’s lap. 

The smaller immortal squirmed as the bigger one carefully held him in his unyielding grasp. “Nezha…” Erlang warned. “Fine! I’ll tell you.” Nezha moaned in defeat. The elder god sat back as he listened to the younger god’s troubles. Apparently Nezha was accused of several minor crimes that involved theft and vandalism in the Celestial Realm. Which Erlang found ridiculous considering how hard the latter worked in staying a righteous and honorable deity. By the time the true culprit had been caught, Nezha already had enough. 

“The worst part is that I’m not even surprised. My father was the first to accuse me. Right after we had a nasty argument that didn’t go his way. Then everyone followed suit. No one apologized of course when they caught the actual culprit…” The Third Lotus Prince sighed audibly. “I’m just sick of it, I guess, that no one actually respects me. I have a title, status, and they say I’m one of them. But really I feel more like an errand boy that they can toss out whenever they need something tedious done. And when I’m not an errand boy I make the perfect scapegoat for anything gone wrong. Ugh….” “To be honest, I’m not too surprised either. When I first came to Heaven, I found the gods very…apathetic. Almost as if they were unable to care. Guess that’s what happens when you are too detached from anyone or anything…” Erlang confessed sadly. 

The two gods sat in silence for a while. Erlang held onto Nezha as the latter relaxed in his hold. Finally the silence was broken, “I haven’t eaten chocolate chip cookies in a long while. I’m going to bake some.” The Third Lotus Prince suddenly declared. “Aaaawww, thanks short stuff. You know what I like!” Erlang chuckled as he ruffled the younger deity’s hair again. Nezha swatted away his hand with a scowl, “If you and Xiao eat all the batches in one day, I’m never cooking for you again.” The elder demigod held up his hands, “Ok! I hear ya firecracker. Will just eat half of the batches~” 

“Ugh! You are incorrigible! And your damn dog too!” Nezha scoffed with a sassy flip of his mane as he stalked into the kitchen. Erlang couldn’t help smirk, Lil Lotus was just too cute whenever he got mad. In the kitchen, the celestial marshal donned a white apron stitched with pink lotus embroidery. His telekinesis manipulated the contents of the kitchen as various ingredients and utensils floated over to him. Recalling the American recipe he got to work on baking seven batches of chocolate chip cookies. Anything less would be gone within three days give or take. 

Soon all of Nezha’s heavenly worries melted away as he focused on his task. Humming a battle tune as he stirred the batter of the first batch. Tweaking the original recipe to his own style. Lotus essence, French vanilla, and mini strawberry marshmallows were added to the batter of each batch. After thoroughly mixing up the first batch he took out a cookie tray he had already sprayed ahead of time. This cookie tray was unique though as it had several flower shaped holes for the cookie dough. Yet still thin enough for the heat to properly bake the pastries. Nezha knew cookie cutters existed, but having his own customized kitchenware he could alter on a whim via god magic was much more convenient. 

Eventually the god popped the first batch into the oven. As he gently closed the oven door he caught a whiff of freshly brewed coffee. He turned around to see Erlang smiling at him. “Here ya go munchkin~ Refreshing and hot.” He passed a spring green mug with a rainbow assortment of painted flowers into his smaller companion’s hands. Nezha gratefully took it and sipped, smiling that his senior brother never failed to add sugar and milk to it. “Thanks baba.” He said.

The coffee was so good that it took him a full minute to fully register what he just said. 

Not “dad” out of sarcasm.

Not “Father” as in his biological elder he had no choice but to submit to. 

He called him “baba”, an intimate term reserved for a child’s beloved parent. 

Blushing madly he squeaked, “I MEANT ERLANG AND I IMPLIED NOTHING ELSE BUT GRATITUDE-“ “About time.” Erlang suddenly said as he took a long draught of his own coffee mug. Nezha almost dropped his mug in utter confusion, “Huh?!” To his even greater surprise he soon felt his senior brother’s hand gently holding his right cheek. “No. Go ahead. Say it.” The demigod encouraged him. The lotus prince blushed even redder as he stammered, “Bu-but, well I-I, I um, Erlang I-I, uh well…” The younger warrior had no trouble admitting he and Erlang Shen were close. However, would he ever go as far as to consider Erlang as family? For Erlang to be his baba?! It wasn’t possible. Right?…

“Aaaaawww, come on pipsqueak, don’t be shy. Can’t I at least have a little present for Father’s Day?” The Illustrious Sage prodded further with that teasing smirk of his. Yet all three of the elder god’s eyes only showed warmth and fondness. Nezha had never blushed so hard in his life. Still, maybe…It wouldn’t be so bad if he had someone else as his father instead of Li Jing. Especially if that someone else actually cared about him and didn’t detest him like Li Jing did. 

“What do you have to gain from this?” The lotus prince questioned gravely. Erlang rolled his eyes, “Besides the privilege of calling you son? I literally have everything a man could ever want in life. Power, prestige, wealth, good looks, and a man’s best friend of course~” He let go of his junior brother’s cheek to stroke Xiaotian who speared beside him. The demigod went on, “Still, none of those things matter much when it’s just you against the world. So it wouldn’t hurt to share my life and good fortune with the people I care about right?” He turned to the younger warrior.

Nezha knew that as sly of a trickster Erlang Shen was. He never lied about what or who he stood for. So ignoring the blush on his cheeks he allowed his heart to say, “Happy Father’s Day, baba.” 

[delighteddistractions555]

Sanctuary

Riley's Notes: A long time ago, I wrote a oneshot for Father's Day where Erlang Shen adopted Nezha. It's high time I rewrote it. Also, I project the general character arc of my actual dad onto Erlang Shen and y'all are gonna have to deal with that for as long as this blog exists. Welcome to projection central, bitches, where you'll find traits that I like/have/have met people with in every character that's here.

Nezha sighed as he crossed the threshold into the place he wished he could call home. There was no such luck, however, and although he frequented this place, he had no choice but to return to the Li palace every so often. It was a burden he wished he could shrug off.

Desperately so.

Erlang Shen closed the book he'd been reading, setting it on the end table next to his recliner. His visitor raised an eyebrow, confused, but followed the elder Deity anyway when he beckoned for Nezha to follow him.

"Nezha, my boy. I have prepared something that may catch your interest." The storm warden faltered, releasing a heavy sigh as his usually inviting smile disappeared into a hurt frown. "...I am well aware of your plight with your kin. What if I told you that they need not be your kin any longer?"

"...that's... a scandalous offer. Is it even legal?" Nezha swallowed, lowering his gaze to the floor as they approached Yang Jian's office, a space the elder Deity rarely allowed others into. Nezha jumped when he heard a soft chuckle from the war Deity in front of him.

"It was recently made legal, and I fought for it to become such in the courts for decades, my boy, and it was approved faster than I expected it to be. It didn't take sixty years, but I took the chance when I saw it... and it's become legal in a rather unfortunate time, what, with the Nazis running their course through Europe." Erlang Shen sighed. "It is a shame we are not allowed to intervene. My damned uncle would have us all crucified if we tried to help... but on a different note."

Yang Jian gestured for Nezha to sit across from him at the desk, and as the younger Deity did so, he noticed a sheet of paper alone on an otherwise clean desk. The first few lines of kanji made him raise an eyebrow. The following lines made his heart stop.

"...I... need to hear it from you." Nezha raised his head, swallowing nervously as he faced Erlang Shen, the man who would... who had presented the paperwork to permanently take him under his wings, right in front of him. He had some audacity, Nezha realized, and the two were more similar than they thought.

Erlang Shen released a soft chuckle. He could understand the younger Deity's disbelief. After all, one gets used to being mistreated after a certain point. It's only human, and after all, immortals still have human minds.

"If you sign here, the rest of the Li bloodline will no longer have any jurisdiction over you, and if you wish, you may drop your surname and take another in its stead. It is the final step to cutting them off, to cutting those that hurt you out of your life for good... and if you wish, to take my surname formally, the rest of Heaven will tread lightly in your shadow, as my authority is one of the most respected - and rightly feared - that any Celestial here has to offer."

Nezha stared at the sheet of paper as a bead of sweat rolled down his cheek. This was his out, right in front of him. He could take his freedom, or stay in that hell. He could see what the future might hold, or remain trapped in a hell that was familiar, and therefore easy to navigate...

Nezha gripped the quill on the desk firmly. No. He wasn't letting this opportunity slide. He knew that there were better places he could be, kinder people he could meet. He knew that there was more than this, more than the mistreatment he'd endured. He'd learned that from His Highness Erlang Shen, from Lady Guanyin, from Chang'E, and from Sun Wukokng, to name a few.

With a shaking hand, the Deity signed the document, and his inhibitions failed him only moments later. He'd never hugged anyone so fast before, nor with such force, and Erlang Shen barely moved from it, only adjusting to wrap his arms around his adopted son in return.

"Welcome home, my boy."

Nezha only produced a soft, exhausted whine. It was a testament to how much he dreaded what the future might hold, but anything was better than what he'd dealt with for most of his life up to this point. Anything was better.

He had a sanctuary now.

A real one.

[delighteddistractions555]

LOOK WHAT I FOUND AT THE BOOKSTORE!

[delighteddistractions555]

LMK Incorrect Quotes 8#

You can’t have a life without chaos~

(Jinzha, Muzha, & Nezha are all drinking hot chocolate with marshmallows.)

Nezha: Hhhhmmm, these marshmallows are the boiled corpses of my enemies after I drowned them in my tar pit of doom~

Jinzha: *Coughs.*

Muzha: Can’t you be pleasant for once in your bratty life?!

Nezha: Oh come on guys! Marshmallows are made with gelatin. And gelatin is made from bones! So we are literally indulging in the skeletal remains of dead animals!

Muzha: ………. *Downright passes out.*

Jinzha: Sigh… Did you forget that our brother is a devout Buddhist?

Nezha: Oops, I’m sure Buddha will forgive him for not knowing though…

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Erlang Shen: Has anyone seen my little boy?

Pigsy: You mean the dog or the fiery terror over there trying to beat up Wukong?

(Nezha is in his three-headed, six-armed war form trying to set Wukong on fire who keeps evading the fire blasts.)

Erlang Shen: Lil Lotus, time to go home for dinner!

Nezha: DON’T CALL ME THAT IN PUBLIC AND I AM TOO BUSY TEACHING THIS STUPID MONKEY A LESSON!!!

Erlang Shen: I got your favorite sweet buns for dessert~ 

Nezha: ………..Fine, I’m coming.

(The gods leave for supper time.)

Pigsy: HAAAAAAA!!! I told ya Erlang is the only one besides Nezha’s brothers that can call Nezha, “Lil Lotus”! PAY UP MONKEY!!!

Sun Wukong: Uuuuggghhh, fine…

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Tang: Hey Pigsy, want some coffee?

Pigsy: Nah! I think I’m getting too addicted to the stuff. So I’m going to go without it today-

(Looks out the window to see Jin and Yin get chased by Red Son and Mei on motorcycles. MK clinging to Nezha for protection from a spider demon wearing Monkie Kid merch and wanting MK’s autograph. Sandy is doing his best to stop Wukong and Macaque from killing each other with nerf guns. Chang’e blasts all the buildings with bunny stickers and glitter with Bai He cheering her on.) 

Erlang nonchalantly sitting on a dead monster he slain in the last five minutes: Sup, noodle dude.

Pigsy: *Slams the window shut.* TANG!!! GIVE ME TWENTY GALLONS OF COFFEE PRONTO!!!

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Sandy: Alright, what is everyone’s love language?

Chang’e: A home cooked meal made with love~

Pigsy: I second that!!

Tang: Words of praise, affirmation, comfort, and acknowledgment.

Red Son: Heeeeyyy, not a bad idea peasant!

Mei: Lots of hugs and lots of time spent together having fun!

MK: Making gifts for your friends or letting them know how much you appreciate them!

Sun Wukong: Peaches, peaches, peaches, peaches! 

Macaque: Thinking of others first before yourself, unlike SOME people. 

Nezha: Offering up my blood and life for those who bother to care for the monster and failure I am. For I am willing to kill and die a thousand times over for anyone placed under my protection…

Everyone else: *UTTERLY HORRIFIED.*

MK: Uuuuuuhhhhhh, did you skip your therapy session this morning?

Nezha: Pffft, therapy?! Why would a mighty war god like me that faced millennia of violent conflict and disaster need to-

Erlang Shen: YANG NEZHA, WHY DID THE DOCTOR’S OFFICE CALL TO INFORM ME THAT YOU NEVER SHOWED UP TO YOUR THERAPIST APPOINTMENT?!?! 

Nezha: ……….*Flees for his life.*

Erlang Shen: GET BACK HERE OR I AM GROUNDING YOU YOUNG MAN!!! *Chases after Nezha.*

MK: I think I know what Erlang’s love language is…

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Macaque: I once believed in friendship. And got betrayed by that very naive faith in friendship. Now, I shall spend the rest of my days as a lone wolf-

Bai He: Hi, Mr. Macaque!! *Hugs him.*

Macaque: Kid!! I’m in the middle of a brooding monologue here-

MK: Hiiiiiii Macaque! *Hugs him.*

Macaque: MK!! I don’t have time for-

Mei: BOOYAH!!! GET HUGGED BUDDY BOI! *Hugs him.*

Macaque: Not you too-

Sandy: Group hug!!! *Picks everyone up and bear hugs them.*

Macaque: You know what, fine….I’ll embrace the magic of friendship once more…

Red Son holding up a camera: Say sappy peasants! 

(Red Son gets pulled into the group hug.)

Red Son: AAAAAAUUUGGGHH!!! 

[delighteddistractions555]

LMK Incorrect Quotes 7#

Let the madness reign!

Erlang Shen: Whatcha got there?

Nezha: A thermos.

Erlang Shen: A thermos of what?

Nezha: Drink. Tea. Maybe some lava if I’m especially thirsty.

Erlang Shen: Buddy, my third eye is looking at the suspicious liquid in your thermos and it has magic.

Nezha: Fine! It’s magic tea, officer!! I’m not drunk driving later, sheesh!

Erlang Shen: Don’t play smart with me kid because I can whoop your hide and ground you at any given moment. 

Nezha: Your not my dad-

Erlang Shen: Well I’ll have to be your dad considering your sperm donor treats you like absolute shit. Now let’s try this again, what’s in the thermos?

Nezha: Ugggggghhhh……Fine. It’s potion number 9 to try and increase my height…

Erlang Shen: NINE POTIONS?!?! GOODNESS GRIEF KID, ARE YOU TRYING TO POISON YOURSELF?!?!

Nezha: ……No……I just need to increase my height-

Erlang Shen: Well screw your frigging height. I’m taking you to Lao Tzu’s clinic. Now.

Nezha: Sigh, yes dad….

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MK: What shall we do in the amazing world of Minecraft today~

Mei: Oh! Oh! Let’s create a wither in the End and have it face off the Ender Dragon!!

Red Son: Pfffft!! Pathetic! I say we create a fortress with an automated red stone system complete with all the deadliest traps you can desire!!

Mei: Ooooorrrr, we can go into creative mode to spawn a warden, several mob armies, and a wither in the End so the Ender Dragon can face them all!!

Red Son: Oooorrrr, we can invite your online followers, Mei, to a supposed Minecraft competition where the one who mines the most diamonds wins a prize. Yet the catch is that the entire world is riddled with red stone traps!!! MWahahahaha!!!

Mei: Oooooorrrrr, we can challenge my followers to a Minecraft war. Where one team has to protect the Ender Dragon with red stone traps and enchanted weapons while the other team has to attack the end by controlling hostile mobs and using TNT!!!

MK: ……..I just wanted us to play in peaceful mode together and build a nice, cozy homestead we could all live in together T-T…..

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Chang’e: Do you guys believe in true love~

Nezha: Huh? True what???

MK & Mei: EEEEEWWWW!!!! GROSS!!!!

Erlang Shen: Nope. Nada. Zilch.

Sun Wukong: Maybe I did… *Glares at Macaque.*

Macaque: Until I was proven wrong… *Glares at Wukong.*

Sandy: I believe love exists in all different forms!

Tang: Uuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhh……I’M TOTALLY NOT HIDING ANYTHING I SWEAR!!!! ASK PIGSY!!!!

Pigsy: YOUR NOT HIDING WHAT?!?!

Mo: Mew~ *Steals a moon cake.*

Chang’e: Siiiiigh, you guys are hopeless…

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

MK: I just realized something.

Mei, Red Son, & Nezha: What?

MK: Why is it that three of my friends are all warriors that possess pyrokinesis, are powerful but get sidelined by me because I am the protagonist, and have parent issues?

Mei, Red Son, & Nezha: ……

MK: Also you guys all look insanely cool when lit on fire.

Red Son: Noodle Boy, SHUT. UP.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Tang: If you could choose an entire new species besides the one you are now. What would you be? 

Red Son: HOW DARE YOU LOWLY PEASANT INSINUATE THAT I AM DISCONTENT WITH MY CURRENT SPECIES. FOR I AM A CHILD OF THE DEMONS AND THE GODS. 

Nezha: Please no, I’m dealing with enough on my plate as a god already!!

MK: Uuuuuuuuuhhhhhhh….. *Currently having an identity crisis due to being a mystic monkey/human hybrid.*

Mei: Oh! Oh! I know!! I’ll be a super awesome alicorn/dragon hybrid!!

Tang: Eeerr, that’s more than one species Mei.

Mei: Pffftt, who said I could only be one?! My ancestor was horse AND dragon!!!

[delighteddistractions555]

Lego Monkie Kid take me home

Working out my LMK AU because I have loads of seperated ideas that I need to bring together raghh

I ain't transcribing Allat it's 1am go the fuck to sleep hoooonk mimimimimi hooooonknmimimimi

Oc art also

The first is my oc Bào Wei and then the rest are drawn by my lovely girlfriend who I love and adore who has her oc Zhá

[delighteddistractions555]

Well, angst won. Is it just me or is making our favorite characters suffer a very aggressive love language? 😅

Nezha Fanfic Poll

Curious on what fanfic themes are most popular for the Third Lotus Prince.

[delighteddistractions555]

Nezha Fanfic Poll

Curious on what fanfic themes are most popular for the Third Lotus Prince.

[delighteddistractions555]

LMK Incorrect Quotes 6#

It’s been a hectic week for our friends…

Red Son: I AM EVIL INCARNATE! ALL SHALL BOW BEFORE ME AS I UNLEASH MY RAGING WRATH UPON THE PATHETIC WORLD-

Nezha: Red!! I finished dinner! You either invite your friends to come inside or I’ll drag you in myself! 

MK: Wait a hot piping minute-did you move in with Nezha?!

Red Son: Uuuhhh-AHAHAHAHA!! I THE GREAT AND POWERFUL RED SON-

Nezha: Got kicked out by his dad for at least six months due to his latest workshop experiment exploding at least half of the DBK fortress. 

Red Son: ……

MK: ……..

Mei: ……Reminds me of when I was shipped to my aunt’s for a few months because I accidentally broke a “priceless” vase once. 

Nezha: Ahem. Red Son.

Red Son: Uuugghhh…. Would you two peasants care to join us for dinner?

MK: Yay! Free food and bonding time!

Mei: Heck yeah sure!! 

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Sun Wukong: Hey Erlang, I just stole some succulent peach wine from Heaven. Want some?

Erlang Shen: Oh man, I wish. 

Sun Wukong: Let me guess, the little lotus prince put you on an alcohol ban?

Erlang Shen: Siiiiiiiiiiiggghhh….

Sun Wukong: Ok three-eyes, how did you screw up this time? 

Erlang Shen: Apparently face-timing Nezzie while drunk when he’s with his friends and calling yourself his “daddy” and him “baby princess” are the quickest ways to get banned from liquor for a FULL YEAR. 

Sun Wukong: O-O…….

Sun Wukong: *Rolls over in uncontrollable laughter.*

Erlang Shen: Go ahead, LAUGH AT MY MISERY!!!

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Macaque: Heard you kicked out your son.

PIF: I beg your pardon?!

Macaque: I mean, isn’t he living with Nezha now?

PIF: What?! I just got back from a Girl’s Week with Chang’e and left my boys at home….

PIF: Macaque… Where. Is. My. SON?!?! 

Macaque: With Nezha. Since he got kicked out by his dad for accidentally destroying half of your guys’ home-

PIF: AND YOU ARE TELLING ME MY HUSBAND USED THAT AS A PATHETIC EXCUSE TO GIVE AWAY MY BABY BOY?!?! 

Macaque: Eeeerrr, I guess?

PIF: MOWANG YOU DAMN, FREAKING, GOOD-FOR-NOTHING COWHIDE!!! GET OVER HERE NOW!!!

Macaque: *Calmly watches as an infuriated Princess Iron Fan storms after her husband.*

Erlang Shen: Ooooohhh, wonder why princess is so pissed?

Macaque: *Evil grin.* I regret nothing. (:

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

MK: Give me a cookie!

Mei: And I’ll give you my heart!

Red Son: This is only the start to-wait, WHAT THE HECK ARE WE READING OFF OF?!?!

MK: Cookie Charm! It’s the latest hit song! 

Mei: ABOUT LOVE AND COOKIES!!!

Red Son: *Slaps his forehead.* Ugh! Why do I let you two idiots drag me into this stupid, peasant stuff!!

Mei: Because we would be totally horrible friends if we didn’t! :3

MK: It’s Friendship 101 to share all your cringy and addictive passions with your best friends!!

Red Son: …..Why the freaking flip is villainy less complicated than friendship?!?!

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Sun Wukong: I hate you.

Macaque: I hate you more.

Sun Wukong: I hate you so much that I rather watch you crumble before me instead of Erlang Shen.

Macaque: Oho! I hate you so much that I would gladly end the world so that you will have nowhere to live! 

Sun Wukong: Pfffft, pathetic! My hate for you is so immeasurable that not even the power of Primordial Chaos or Nuwa’s Color Stones could vanquish my unquenchable hatred for you!!

Macaque: Oh please, not even the ancients could protect you from my all-consuming black hole of hatred for you!

Sun Wukong: Heh, heh, if you think your mere hatred for me could possibly shield you from my superior embodiment of hatred. Then YOU are the greatest and doomed of fools to ever live-

Erlang Shen: And that kiddies, is a impeccable example of a toxic relationship. Everyone takes notes!

*MK, Mei, Red Son, Bai He, and Nezha jot down their notes.*

Sun Wukong: ……..

Macaque: ………

Sun Wukong: You know what, I actually hate Erlang more.

Macaque: Ditto. So do I. 

[delighteddistractions555]

Nezha-colored bracelet

[delighteddistractions555]

LMK Incorrect Quotes #5

Even more chaos from our favorite crazies…

Bai He: Hi guys! Take a look at my brand new dress! 

(Twirls around in an adorable outfit of light pink and stitched with flowers.)

MK & Mei: Aaaaaaawwww! :3

Red Son: Hmph, it’s decent enough.

Some nearby idiots: HA! Pink and flowers are the sissiest things ever!

(Cue the JAWS theme as the Third Lotus Prince appears in all his blazing glory as a six-armed, three headed monstrosity.) 

Soon to be dead idiots: *Girlish screaming*

Bai He: Why do people say mean things?

Mei: Because they are actually asking for a death wish. 

MK: Good thing we brought the shovels this time. 

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Sun Wukong: *~Have you ever thought just maybeeeee, You belong with meeeeeee~*

Nezha: WUKONG!!!! THIS IS THE LAST TIME YOU’RE GETTING AWAY WITH SNEAKING INTO THE PEACH ORCHARD TO SING LOVE SONGS TO THE FLIPPING TREES!!!

Sun Wukong: But-but, my beloveds!!!

Nezha: OUT! NOW!!! 

Sun Wukong: NOTHING ON EARTH OR HEAVEN CAN EVER SEPARATE ME FROM MY LOVES!!!

Erlang Shen: I’ll buy you Pigsy’s noodles and that new peach-flavored cheese tea you wanted to try.

Sun Wukong: OH! Yaaaaay!! Free food!

(Jumps down to join Erlang and leaves with him.)

Nezha: Hmph, so much for love.

(Cue the peach trees dripping sap like tears because they want Wukong back.)

Nezha: ….Oh gods, someone help ME.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Pigsy: Hey Wukong, where are the kids?

Sun Wukong: Nah, don’t worry chef guy! I’m sure they are just fine!

(Cue MK riding past uncontrollably on a homemade rocket being chased by Mei, Red Son, & Nezha trying to stop him.)

MK: SSSSSAAAAAAAAAVVVVEEEE MEEEEEE!!!!

Sun Wukong: ……Oops.

Pigsy: Fine, my FREAKING SAUCER PAN!!!

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Mei: Hey, you ever wanted to get married Mr. Shen?

Erlang Shen: Huh, that’s a very interesting question to ask someone like me.

Mei: Well you already have a son. 

Erlang Shen: Heh, I guess I can consider my puppy as my baby boy~ *Ruffles Xiaotian’s fur.*

Mei: Ahem, I meant the other son.

Nezha: I’m not his son. This crazy bastard just kidnapped me and is bribing me to stay with him by brushing my hair or giving me sweets whenever I want. 

Erlang Shen: Shush it son-EEERR, I mean Nezha! *Passes him a box of mooncakes to keep him quiet.*

Mei: *Beyond scandalized.*

Erlang Shen: Uuuuhhh, I’ll let you play with my dog if you keep my little secret.

Mei: ALRIGHT!!! I’M GETTING BRIBED!! LET’S GOOOO!!! *Hugs Xiaotian happily.*

Nezha: Da-Erlang, you are a horrible influence. 

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

MK: Let’s make up a cheesy pop song guys!

Red Son: Ha! Shouldn’t be that hard. 

MK: *~And I will never let you gooooo!!!~*

Red Son: *~Because no one should be on their own!!!~*

Mei: *~I’ll love ya to the end of time my sweetheart!~*

Tang: *~To me you are life’s finest piece of art!~*

Pigsy: *~And I’ll love yooooooooooooooooooooooooooooouuuuuuu with all my liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiifffeeee!!!~*

Sandy: *Sniff* How beautiful…

Macaque: Maybe the last part, but the rest of it was tone deaf…

[delighteddistractions555]

To Live Despite Being Cursed 3#

Chapter 3: DEMONS ARE SO STUPID!

Another day in the Celestial Realm. This time it was a day off for Nezha. Erlang had been summoned by the Jade Emperor for some confidential meeting or whatever with a few other select members. The First Heavenly General adjusted his black cloak before turning to his son. The latter laid back on the couch in a simple pink T-shirt and loose white pants. “Knowing my damn uncle, this meeting might take the whole day. You’re taking care of yourself and staying at home in the meantime right, Lil Lotus?” The unicorn hybrid nodded, “I know baba. I’ll be fine at home with my lazy but lovely ladies~” He smirked at his serpent pets sunbathing themselves on their day bed. 

Erlang chuckled as he ruffled his son’s mane one more time before he left, “I’ll be back for you soon, my baby boy~” Nezha’s fur went even more pink as he swatted away the offending hand. “BABA! Cut that out!! I’m not a little godling anymore!!” The elder snickered, “Still are to me short stuff. I guess I’ll be off unless my little colt wants a hug and kiss goodbye from Baba~” Nezha forced himself from the couch so he could shove his annoying father out the door. “SCRAM! You’re going to be late!!” The demigod laughed as he was pushed out by his embarrassed child. Xiaotian followed suit and Nezha slammed the door to prevent his dad from sneaking in the last word. 

The lotus deity grumbled to himself as he reclaimed the couch. “Hmph, clingy bastard. It’s not like I’m going to disappear!”

Somewhere else in the Celestial Realm…

A flash of gold and silver lit up among the clouds of Heaven. Stepping forth from the light were what appeared to be two immortals. One dressed in golden robes and sporting a well-kept mane of orange hair. The other one is slightly smaller wearing silver colored robes and a shimmering blue ponytail. The two immortals briskly walked through the gates of Heaven, nodding to the guards respectfully. As they entered the capital city they greeted the other immortals or deities that crossed their paths. Giving wide smiles and cheerful “Ni haos!”.

Yet the moment the duo ducked into an alleyway-they erupted into demonic laughter. “OH MY GOSH-WE TOTALLY FOOLED THEM!!” Cackled the golden immortal, who was actually the golden demon Jin. One half of the infamous rookie thief duo. Jin’s companion snickered as he studied their heavily enchanted robes, “Well those kitsune know what they're doing. These robes have been impeccable in passing us off as celestials.” The silver immortal, who was actually the silver demon Yin, the other half of the demon thief duo. 

Jin wrapped an arm around his younger brother, “I know right!! Then again, if there was ever a species that could fool those stuck-up heavenly immortals, it’s gotta be kitsune. Now let’s plunder these suckers for their goodies!” Jin was about to run off but Yin held him back, “Hold up! As much as I want to grab as many baubles and shiny what-nots right now. We still gotta pay those kitsune for letting us borrow their stuff.” The blue demon held up a “shopping list” given to them by their client. 

Jin smacked his forehead, “Right! Well, we might as well make our way to Lao Tzu’s lab.” The two thieves briskly made their way through the streets. Only giving the occasional nod or greeting to any passerby, now fully focused on their mission. Well, as focused as an earthly demon that lived a hardscrabble life could be in a gilded world among the clouds. Jin couldn’t help but ogle every pretty maiden or shop window showcasing fine wares just as pretty. While Yin helped himself by swiping the occasional vendor treat or an immortal's piece of jewelry. 

It took a while to locate the lab honestly. Even with directions from their mysterious client, the capital’s buildings seem to blur into one seamless maze of pristine marble gilded with gold. If they were to find any more creatively unique buildings, then they would have to leave the capital and explore the outer reaches of Heaven. Alas, their mission and livelihoods demanded that they stuck to the main city. Now was sadly not the time for sightseeing or petty theft. Well, the thievery would come after they completed their jobs. 

Yin had the bright idea of pretending to be newbie delivery men needing directions to Lao Tzu’s lab. With the disappearance of a cart and a considerable number of crates filled with various magic wares. The duo posed as delivery men and managed to get clearer navigation to their destination thanks to the locals. Eventually they arrived at the lab which while no less impressive as the city-looked utterly mundane to the robbers after scouring countless of marble/gold replicas. “FINALLY!! I thought we wouldn’t find this damn joint!” Jin growled as he settled down the arms pulling the cart. “You would think these rich snobs would decorate their homes with something OTHER than just gold and marble!!”

“Maybe it’s just city protocol dude. I’m sure there is more architectural freedom outside the Jade Emperor’s main hub. After all, the way almost everything is the same seems to scream true that the big Jade guy upstairs is a control freak.” Yin theorized as he began analyzing the lab for a way to break in. Jin shuddered from this, “No wonder people hate him. I definitely would! Some ultimate snob believes he’s the center of the universe and has the right to control everything while doing nothing!” He scoffed as he took out a satchel containing their necessary supplies. 

The golden demon held up a large bottle of glowing green he tossed to his silver counterpart. The younger sibling grinned deviously as he held it up, “Time to kick off the party.” The bandits double checked the property to ensure no one was home. About half an hour later if anyone was inside the lab, they would be startled as part of the walk began rapidly dissolving before their very eyes. A huge chunk of the wall melted away by the acidic green goop used by Yin. 

Maniacal laughter echoed through the chamber as the demons strode in without a care in the world. Yin already began listing off the stuff their client wanted. Which Jin would grab and stuff into one of their sacks of endless inventory. The sacks came from a deal with an old, greedy dragon who thought he would be receiving a trainload of gold. Only to be delivered a trainload of coal. It was already too late as the sibling scammers had already beat it back to Megapolis far away. Soon the burglars had everything they came for.

“Time to ditch and get to some shopping of our own!!” Jin crackled as he ran out the hole with the sack over his shoulder. Yin stepped through, turned around, and then placed an enchanted ball of clay before the hole. Uttering an incantation, the clay expanded to cover the entire opening before masking itself to match the rest of the wall. Now no one could tell there was a break-in. With their mission accomplished, the brothers left the lab so they could begin their real fun.

“So, where to begin brother? I saw a couple of shops where we could easily shoplift.” Yin cackled evilly as he rubbed his hands greedily. Jin laughed, “Ooh, that would be fun. BUT, I have a much bigger prize in mind…” Yin paused, “It’s not the Jade Emperor’s treasury right?!” “HEY, HECK NO DUDE!! I know I have loony ideas sometimes but I’m not THAT CRAZY!!!” Jin protested before he explained, “I meant something that will generate permanent wealth. Something that will lift us from dirt status to top demon dogs. Something that will give us power, prestige, and everything else we could ever want!” 

“Godhood?” The silver demon snorted skeptically. The golden demon scowled, “Ha, ha, godhood is sooooo obtainable! Brother dearest, hear my plea. Why don’t we get ourselves the Lotus Unicorn as our steed?” Yin was beyond flabbergasted, “Uuuuhhhh, do you have a plan at least?!” Jin rolled his eyes, “Alright, hear me out! You know how the gods have one stable master in charge of all the horses? Well I’m pretty sure he must have enchanted bridles and such to keep all those insane magical horses in check. Sooo, why don’t we grab the strongest bridle we can find. Hunt down the lil unicorn’s place, then take him ourselves?!” The elder thief laughed wickedly.

The younger thief crossed his arms and closed his eyes as he mused it over in his mind. After five minutes he opened his eyes, “Well, let’s give it a shot. But let’s grab a couple of sleeping bugs to knock out the beast first dude. I don’t think getting in a fight with a full grown stallion that won whole wars is going to be a picnic.” Jin blinked, “Oh, yeah, right!!” The disguised demons asked for directions to the stables, lying about needing to rent a horse and they were on their way…

.

.

.

Nezha lazily opened an eye to check on his snakes. The daybed revealed that they have reverted to their golden shear form in their sleep. He closed his eyes again, savoring every peaceful moment of his day off. As devoted as he was to duty, a break every now and then was a welcome reprieve. Laid back on the couch, he began to daydream. In his daydreams he was not some unfortunate cursed to be a unicorn. He was the proud defender of Chentang Pass. A mortal but powerful champion for his people who kept the peace between the seafaring humans and the sea-dwelling dragons. 

In his fantasy he had everything he ever wanted as a child. Respect from the townspeople, his family being proud of him, Ao Bing still as his best friend, the dragons and humans getting along. In his dreams he was busy vanquishing a grotesque demon that made the huge mistake of targeting his village: The demon was a wretched giant of hideous red skin and black spikes all over its body. With a long, winding tail with numerous  spikes over it, it kept flinging at Nezha in vain. Nezha wore shining red armor, his usual weapons on hand or feet. Appearing as a young man without a single trace of any equine features. 

“This is where you die, demon!” The warrior roared as he aimed a great ball of red fire that finished the hideous creature off. The villagers cheered as they rushed out of hiding to hail their noble defender once more. Nezha returned a polite bow before flying off to the seashore. There he saw Ao Bing, alive and well instead of pale and bloodied. The dragon prince smiled serenely at him, “Been taking care of those rogue demons haven’t we? I hope you have been careful.” Nezha proudly tossed his head, “HA! I don’t need to worry about anything, Bing! Thanks for the concern though. Do you want to have a race?”

His best friend smirked before morphing into his dragon form. “Last one to the Yellow Sea owes the other lunch~” He taunted before suddenly pushing past him in a flurry of freezing wind. “HEY!! Not so fast, cheater!!” Nezha protested but laughed all the same as he ignited his fire wind wheels at full speed ahead. Clouds seem to rush past them as the two friends soared through the air. The sun shining brightly, the air brisk and fresh with sea salt, the lighthearted laughter shared between the two boys. Nezha pushed further ahead in order to win. He could see the Yellow Sea within his reach. Almost there-

Only to be jerked back by a shining golden bridle that suddenly clamped onto his mouth.

“WHAT THE BUCKING, BLAZING HAY?!?!” The adult equine deity of reality neighed out in alarm as he registered the unwelcome metal clutching his snout. In an instant he ripped off the hideous contraption and kicked the offender clear across the room. The wall cracked from the powerful impact, piling bamboo and bricks onto the demon that dared tried to muzzle him. “JIN!!!” Screamed the second demon which snagged the attention of the infuriated unicorn. “How dare you…” The celestial stallion hissed, baring his fangs, as he slowly approached the second demon. 

Yin backed up against the wall. Fumbling through his clothes for something to save him from the wrath of a deity that ultimately underestimated. Nezha growled dangerously as he loomed closer, “Mistaken me for a horse haven’t we? Just some fancy horse that you could easily take as your damn pack mule for riches and fame, hhhmm? You really think that just because I’m part equine that you could-“ Suddenly the intruder tossed a glowing splash potion at Nezha. Causing the celestial to disappear in an explosion of light as he was teleported to an unknown location. Yin quickly ran towards his elder brother, helping the injured demon get up.

He carried his sibling to the couch, ignoring the blood already staining the other’s fine robes. “This house should have some healing supplies…” The silver demon muttered to himself as he began searching the rooms for any sort of medical supplies. Eventually he found a medical kit in the bathroom which he grabbed for Jin. Returning to his brother he took out the bandages first to stop the bleeding. Removing the ruined robes, wrapping up his sibling’s torso, and then handing him a potion of healing. Jin fluffed down the entire thing, wincing a bit as the magical liquid got to work on repairing his body.

“Man, that definitely was one of my worst ideas. I guess not even enchanted bridles work on that overpowered dude…” The golden demon moaned as he rubbed his extremely sore sides. Yin sighed, “I think it’s best we leave. The unicorn knows about us now and it’s not too difficult for a celestial to find a way back to Heaven. That potion only teleported him to the Mortal Realm. It won’t be long before he gets back and reports us.” Jin groaned as he cursed himself for not going after something easier like a courtesan’s jewels or a noble’s vault. “SCREW UNICORNS! They suck dude!!! But I don’t really want to go home empty-handed…”

Jin suddenly sat up from the couch, “WAIT A HOT SECOND!!! Wouldn’t his own weapons be a good defense from that crazy stallion?!“ Yin’s face broke out into a wicked grin, “Well, it wouldn’t hurt to have some type of protection in case the dude comes after us.” Jin cackled as he carefully stood up with support from his brother. “Well let’s grab what we can find and then make like the Monkey King before the horse comes back.” Jin said as his eyes trailed over to the shining, golden shears on the daybed…

Meanwhile, on top of a noodle shop in a sparkling mortal city. A unicorn humanoid groaned as he slowly stood up. Immediately the strong smell of pollution, sweaty human flesh, the sharp tinge of metal, and various aromas of foodstuffs hit his nostrils. His ears assailed with thousands of different voices and sounds competing with the city on who could be the loudest. He looked around to see dizzying towers, concrete, glowing holograms, more concrete, several bizarre human vehicles for flight, and even more concrete. Realizing where he was he facepalmed, “Damn. I’m going to kill those demons for this…” 

[delighteddistractions555]

Dumb Ways To Die In LMK

Take too long on a delivery…

Accidentally free a vengeful lion while rifling through a thousand years’ worth of trash…

Run off to fight LBD on your own…

Break into the Celestial Realm just to say hello, hello, hello!

Dumb ways to die in LEGO Monkie Kid!

All of these will lead to your premature death! 

Dumb ways to die in LEGO Monkie Kid!

How to end up dead because you screwed up!

(Guitar melody while MK is chased by Red Son and his army of bull clones.)

Accidentally get caught by the Spider Queen!

Ignore the Third Lotus Prince, you don’t need his help!

Assume the Monkey King has it all under control. 

Say we are all going to die as a joking remark!

Separate from your buddies, believe the testimony of a someone obviously lying! 

Stealing the Jade Emperor’s Power-

That’s it! Just don’t steal it! PLEASE!

Dumb ways to die in LEGO Monkie Kid!

All of these will lead to your premature death!

Dumb ways to die in LEGO Monkie Kid!

How to end up dead because you screwed up!

Get trapped inside Li Jing’s pagoda.

Walk into a fire temple and wake up its guardian. 

Get your main weapon stolen for the millionth time.

Just go at all, to the Eastern Sea!

Forget half of your life when your meditation is interrupted. 

Make the suspicious lookalike you’re new mentor friend!

Say, “The universe is doomed because of these monkeys!”

Yet they turn out innocent, so these are basically-

Dumb ways to die in LEGO Monkie Kid!

All of these will lead to your premature death!

Dumb ways to die in LEGO Monkie Kid!

How to end up dead because you screwed up!

Getting wrapped up in a vendetta, with your mentor’s vengeful ex. 

Transform into a raging Samadhi Fire bearer and in the end…

Get traumatized for every new season! 

Get stuck in the cadabalash where everything is creepily perfect. 

Get a little egotistical, poke too much fun at the monsters!

If you want the whole universe to fall apart than just try these! 

Dumb ways to die in LEGO Monkie Kid!

All of these will lead to your premature death!

Dumb ways to die in LEGO Monkie Kid!

How to end up dead because you screwed up!

[delighteddistractions555]

LMK Incorrect Quotes 4#

Nezha: At long last, after all these years of suffering as a minor. I am finally a fully-fledged adult. So from now on I must be treated as my age requires-

Ao Bing: WHAT. But you’re still so young!!!

Jinzha: Aaaaawww, you’re still as adorable as ever little brother~

Muzha: Ha! I’m still keeping an eye on you brat!

Princess Iron Fan: Kiddo, I’m never buying the grownup act from you. 

Erlang Shen: Sorry Lil Lotus, but you will always be the baby boy~

Nezha: …..

Nezha: Then you leave me no choice. I’m moving out!

Everyone except Nezha: NOT ON YOUR LIFE YOUNG MAN!!!

Nezha: …….. Can I at least stay up past curfew, please?!

Muzha: Only on Saturdays.

Nezha: Fine. 

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

(The LMK Crew are fighting an invasive deity from a post-apocalyptic dimension.)

Erlang Shen: Macaque!! Get the kids out of here NOW!

Macaque: On it!!

MK, Mei, & Red Son: HEY!!! WE ARE ALL PAST 21!!!!

Nezha: Silence! You children are far too young and vulnerable to face a interdimensional threat-

Erlang Shen: That means you as well young man!!

Nezha: I BEG YOUR PARDON?!?! I AM A FREAKING WAR DEITY OF THOUSANDS OF YEARS-

(Macaque shoves MK, Mei, Red Son, & Nezha into a shadow portal that dumps them in a sealed off chamber of luxury in the Celestial Realm.)

Mei: Drat! We never get to do anything FUN.

Nezha: And this is why I hate being the kid…

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

MK: I have a foolproof plan that involves something stupid, illegal, and most of all-dangerous…

Mei: Ooooohhh!! That sounds like the BEST SATURDAY NIGHT EVER!!

Red Son: Heh, heh, heh, let’s do it!

Nezha: There is no way we are going to get away with it! 

MK: Huh?! Why?!

Nezha: Please do not tell me you forgot that Macaque can hear everything, Erlang can see everything, and Wukong can beat everything three times over for fun. 

MK: And your point?

Sun Wukong: Bud, we are literally right here to hear your “foolproof” plan.

(Cue MK realizing that Wukong, Macaque, and Erlang were sitting at the nearby dining table to overhear everything.)

MK: ……..We are stuck doing board games for Saturday Night huh?…….

Nezha: Welcome to my world, Monkie Kid. 

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Erlang Shen: Someone once asked me if humanity was inherently good or evil.

Sun Wukong: I guess they asked because you yourself are part mortal. So what did you say?

Erlang Shen: Neither. Mankind is as crazy as you, Wukong.

Sun Wukong: HEY. My dignity resents being used as a metaphor!!

Erlang Shen: And what does your ego say?

Sun Wukong: I’m quite flattered! 

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MK: How would you describe immortality?

Sun Wukong: A never-ending adventure!

Macaque: A tragic tale of sorrow, betrayal, defeat, and the eventual rise to power through the shadows one once rejected...

Erlang Shen: A scam.

(The three Mystic Monkeys stare at the demigod incredulously.)

Erlang Shen: What! No one told me when I was young that immortality is a freaking gilded trap. Now I’m stuck dealing with my stupid uncle and all the other idiots out there for eternity. So I am fully justified in demanding a refund.