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[deliriousinsanitychyn]

“Today I forgive myself. Not just once. Again, and again, and again. As many times as it takes to find peace.”

— Unknown (via perfectquote)

[deliriousinsanitychyn]

A letter to myself

Dear Cheyenne, 

I wrote to you because, its been a while since you got a letter.  

You deserve all the greatest things in life, because you have that kind of heart. That kind of love, that kind of authenticity. People tend to take advantage of your goodness, but don’t feel bad about it. You know that the Lord is guiding you and He will heal your hurt and pain. I know sometimes, you got scared, angry and lonely, but its okay. You have a BIG HEART. You understand all those people around you, you always see beyond their mistakes, you always see the goodness within them. You don’t judge people, you say what you mean, and MEAN IT. You have a good moral compass, God made you truly in His likeness. 

Sometimes, you are insecure of things, but I do hope you’ll see your worth. YOU ARE WORTH IT. 

Looking back 30 years of your life, you have been always a fighter, you tend to forgive people on what they did wrong, that what makes you at peace with yourself, and that makes you so much stronger. That’s what makes you genuine. You don’t give a fck about what other people say to you, you just live by your life. You respect every little living thing, You are very empathetic. 

You are a good friend, you always extend yourself on helping those people. You always want the best for them, without dragging them.  You feel the pain of others, that what makes you a good and reliable friend. 

You are a good daughter, cousin , family member. You want to make them happy, you always make time for them, when they need you. You are a good daughter, you would do anything for your mom, just for her to be happy and you always worry about her. Even though, your father is not around, still you wish him well. 

You’re a good employee and designer. You worked with global brands, and your designs are released nationally, yet you underestimate your potentials. 

You are very very smart and knowledgeable, that you tend to share your knowledge with others. You will have your Master’s degree soon, and you will have your Harvard certificates soon. 

You are very generous, you always share what you have. Your skills. Your money, your love. 

You are a good daughter to God, even with your sexuality, you remained humble in His Love, you do not judge people based on what are their beliefs, hence you respect them. 

You are and will be a GREAT partner to someone. You have so much love to give, you accept them for who they are, you always jump for them, you always take good care of them, here’s the thing, You have so much love, that God gave you all those people, because HE knew , you will give them lessons and blessings, He knew that you will give so much love that they will be whole again with your help, it will hurt that God will remove them from you again, because your mission/purpose for them is finished, yes it might seem very very hurtful but hey at least, you made them happy and whole. You have a BIG HEART. That’s what important. 

So, heal yourself. Cry, Stand up. It will be a new a journey for you. All those hurt in the past, will be a lesson to you. It will be a blessing in disguise. 

Wait for the right person, God will give you the right person. In His perfect time. For now, heal, enjoy by yourself. IT WILL BE ALL WORTH IT. 

Love, 

Cheyenne

[deliriousinsanitychyn]

Truth is? I am REALLY TIRED. 

Im tired being disappointed, being hurt, being mad, being sad. 

[deliriousinsanitychyn]

The strongest people have a past filled with chaos, heart break and disappointment.

r.h. Sin (via thoughtkick)

[deliriousinsanitychyn]

[deliriousinsanitychyn]

Dear Friend, 

I am choosing myself this time. 

Yes I do love KC very much, but kung di ko din aayusin sarili ko, it will just be a toxic relationship. I will let her be this time, I want her to spread her wings and fly. To be the best version of herself.

While I’m also healing from the past traumas I had, and all the emotional distress. I would also like to study abroad and work there, yun yung goal ko muna. 

I would love to be KC’s lifetime, but if not, that would be okay also. I just want to see her happy. 

Maybe Im too clingy and my feelings get the best of me. Masyado akong takot sa uncertainty, sa mga past traumas ko. Hindi ko namamalayan, kinakain na din pala ako ng mga feelings na yun. 

This is me addressing that I’ve become a toxic person. But I want to change that one step at a time. 

Always,

Chx

[deliriousinsanitychyn]

Dear Friend, 

I think I am having a breakdown. 

Hindi ko din sure bakit ko ginawa yun mga bagay na hindi naman dapat gawin. Na curious ba ako? or kasi nappressure ako. I guess my willpower was a little weak. 

I want to seek help, feeling ko sobrang down ko na naman. 

But I don’t want na mag worry sa akin si KC, si mama at yung mga friends ko. I want to this on my own. Gusto ko ayusin sarili ko on my own. 

That’s why I am writing to you again. To release the pain, kasi kahit natutulog ako nag mamanifest yun sakit while I’m sleeping. 

Gusto ko din gawin to for myself, gusto ko na din umusad, gusto ko na mag move forward. Gusto ko na mag grow as a person, emotionally and financially and mentally and spiritually. 

I will be meditating from today, maybe this will help me release my emotional distress. and exercise pag uwi ko. Will stop alcohol for a while, mag dedetox muna ako. 

Will write to you soon

Always, 

Chx

[deliriousinsanitychyn]

Dear Friend, 

Well hindi ako nakapagsulat nun time na nagbreak kami ni KC, wala din kasi akong ginawa kundi umiyak, magwalwal. 

KC talked to me the other day. She said na immature padin ako. I understand, but I am really an emotional person, namana ko ata yun sa tatay ko. 

Pero na realize ko kagabi yun sinabi ni ara na “you became the person, you hate the most” which is my dad. 

I hate my dad, hate ko na di siya gumawa ng way para ma establish pa yun buhay namin financially, I hate na nambabae pa sya para lang makuha nya yun emotional needs nya na hindi maibigay ng mama ko. 

Na realize ko na, sa sobrang hate ko sa kanya, I’m becoming him. Sabi nga ni KC hindi daw nya ako nakikitaan na gmgawa ako ng something about our future, ( na ppressure ako sa totoo lang, di ko alam bakit kapag galing kay KC yun mga ganung bagay either naiinis ako or dahil nga sinasabi lang nya yun totoo) 

Gusto ko daw mag ibang bansa pero di naman daw ako nag-aapply. 

Na-stuck na lang din ako sa feelings ko kay KC e, di ko na napa-ikot yun mundo ko ng wala sya. So ngayon, gusto ko na din maging independent sa kanya, siguro naman sapat na yun almost 6 years na ginugol ko sa kanya. Ako naman. Di ko siya gustong iwan, at ayaw ko siyang iwanan. Pero ako naman. 

Tulad ng pag priority nya ngayon sa sarili nya at sa trabaho nya, Ako naman ngayon. 

[deliriousinsanitychyn]

You’re so calm and quiet, you never say. But there are things inside you. I see them sometimes, hiding in your eyes.

Unknown (via resqectable)

[deliriousinsanitychyn]

“Everyone has a different way of escaping the dark stillness of their mind.”

— Marie Lu, Warcross

[deliriousinsanitychyn]

“Give people time. Give people space. Don’t beg anyone to stay. Let them roam. What’s meant for you will always be yours.”

— Reyna Biddy

[deliriousinsanitychyn]

Dearest Kiffer,

Its been 5 years and 8 months. 

And I missed you so much and I want you to know that I’m always craving for you. every night. every single day. I missed how you suddenly smile every time you see me, I missed your uncontrollable laughs, I missed how clingy you are, I missed your little notes , your letters, I missed how you crave for me, every time we are apart, I missed your calls that lasted for hours, I missed how your soul craves for me, with burning passion, your hugs and kisses. I missed how you crawl up to me when you’re just half asleep.

I don’t know what went wrong, ako ba? kasi nasasaktan kita palagi before kaya you turned out this way? Ako ba? kasi sobrang yabang ko dati at sobrang taas ng pride ko? Ako ba? kasi everytime na kailangan mo ako wala ako sa tabi mo? Ako ba? Kasalanan ko ba lahat ng to?

Or is it because of your mental issues? Your depression, your anxieties, your PTSD?

O dahil may iba na sa puso mo?

Gusto ko din malaman kung bakit at paano. Bakit parang hindi na kita maramdaman? Sinasabi mong mahal mo ako, pero di ko maramdaman. Hinahalikan mo ako, pero di ko maramdaman.

Sabi ko sa sarili ko sige isang taon pa. Isang taon pa, titiisin ko lahat. Baka sakaling bumalik ka. Wala kang maririnig na inda sa akin. Aantayin kita.

Nung Sunday naramdaman kita, na bumalik ka, “Wag mo ako iiwan” those were the words I was craving for a very long time. Hindi “i love you” hindi din yun mga kiss mong wala na lang. Pinipilit kong intindihin na baka pagod ka lang sa trabaho, baka umaatake naman yun mga sakit mo, baka pinipilit mo naman iparamdam, nahihirapan ka lang.

That sunday night, I really felt that you needed me that you crave for me.

Sana maramdaman kita ulit. Bumalik ka na. Kiffer.

[deliriousinsanitychyn]

Dear Friend,

I am doing okay these past few days, knowing that James and KC are living in the same unit. I am trying to fight my demons and anxieties, because at the back of my mind, if they would cheat on me, then go on. I know God is with me, and what goes around, comes around. I do have a lot of faith in God, If that happens then I’ll know that KC is not the one for me.

I am little by little healing from all of the hurt.

I don’t know, still I am not convince with the “words” KC is telling me. Like, I brought up my anxieties like James pulling her, kissing her or something like that. She said “ dati siguro pwede mangyari yun but ngayon hindi na” and I brought up that sometimes my anxieties are about her falling inlove, she just said. “Malabo yun”

I gave her the benefit of the doubt, because her depression, anxieties and PTSD are kicking in again. So I guess she doesn’t have the right words to say. Parang I have to live with na hindi siya intimate, di siya affectionate, may “times” lang na sweet siya, I have to live with it if I choose to be with her for the rest of my life. Na she doesn’t really prioritize me at all.  Siguro pang number 5 pa ako sa list nya.

1. God 2. Work 3. Mom 4. Friends 5. Me.

I barely have time with her. Yun time recently, she’s on the phone with her clients. If bibitawan nya yun? Matutulog na kami. I have to suck it all up. For her. Coz I have to be stronger.  Yun nga I have to die everyday.

But I know God is with me, alam ko naman if di talaga siya para sa akin, gagawa at gagawa siya ng way para mapunta ako sa daan na para sa akin.

[deliriousinsanitychyn]

[deliriousinsanitychyn]

[deliriousinsanitychyn]

There’s a part of me that’s always craving the little things that will destroy me in the end.

“Do you crave the same thing too?”, anastasiasyah (via anastasiasyah)

[deliriousinsanitychyn]

I write to unleash my madness while making sure I’m still sane.

09/16/20, anastasiasyah (via anastasiasyah)