deliriumxtrigger

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this one. fuck this poem.

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Ocean Vuong, from “Woodworking at the End of the World”, Time Is a Mother

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x

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yall don’t realize how much money is on the internet !!!!

exposure at 500 followers on youtube generated me an increase in my foot guy income & a man willing to pay me thousands of dollars a month to act (no sex or clothes off required)

now tack on men in Dms who have a foot fetish as a boot girl….who needs a real job 🤓

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last night i laid up thinking of you;

so innately

most days i believe no matter how much time passes

i need to close the gap

i need to open up about what i’ve done

how i’ve lied

i sat today and thought; how we could do it to each other for years

how could we build as much passion and resentment in the same tumultuous ways over and over and over again

and how could we never see eye to eye

you used to say it’s because neither of us was willing to change

well yes,

that’s true

you didn’t want to stop chasing ego highs from women

i didn’t want to let you keep doing it ; while i sat back and watched

because it wasn’t ok anymore

i grew up and i had hoped you would too

that’s why i spilled my heart out

i should have held it back

discerned

but for some fuckin reason

i still couldn’t keep my head on straight with you

maybe you said i caught you off guard

maybe you said you needed me my sunshine my light to hold it together

maybe i said i needed your masculine energy to help me remember who i was

maybe i said i needed you even if we both knew it was never going to last

a timeline we knew was ending before it began

yet we needed each other like desperate babies

it was sad

a sad beautiful tragic love affair

even know as you fade

i can’t sit here and act like you aren’t the first person that pops into my mind

i remember i can get over you if i find someone to distract me but for how long

just like i pushed it aside for years

what you did to me

you broke me first

you broke us.

then i followed.

so much breaking

not much rising

i couldn’t hold it anymore

you wanted to come in and place a bet

make it out like no matter what it took you could have me

you got me

you got what you wanted

and i just wanted you gone

a part of me did it so you’d leave me alone

it was anger and resentment wrapped up in love and desire

it made no fuckin sense, no sense at all

i thought you’d leave

you didn’t

you held on

i did too

and then i couldn’t hide

i’m tired of hiding

i’m coming for Ricky

too

and Alex

and maybe my ex fiance eventually

and all the boys in between that i wrote about over the years

you weren’t the only muse

did you think you were daniel?

no, i’ve been writing since i was 16

and as i draw closer to ricky’s chapter

i feel the alignment

i start to dream of him again

feel him in my spirit

the poetry and songs flow out of me

you’re all going to hear my piece one way or another

yes i may have done a shit load of wrong

but you don’t get to silence me and walk away like you were clean

no.

no more.

i’m tired of taking the blame, i’ll no longer be the scapegoat

i loved deeply, i loved dearly, i loved hard, and i believed

and you all drug my spirit through the dirt grabbing onto any and all inequities as soon as you got the chance to “clear your own slate”

no mercy

ditto.

i’ve taken the time to pay for my sins…

what happens when your time comes

and youre sobbing in bathrooms

clawing at your faces

crying out to God for mercy

sick to your stomach

praying for death

yet no one is listening.

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i’ve been writing since i was 15

here on these fucking pages

the first time i bloomed

the first time a man touched me with worship

but wait before i bloomed

there was Gabriel

i don’t talk about him

but he was the first to worship me

the first to give me that mind blowing experience

where your body is an altar

then alex

then alex

then alex.

then alex

then alex

my God

i’ve never unearthed worship like that

i want to die here

i’m done

i’ve met it all

i’ve had enough

i’ve had enough

i plead and beg

to make it stop

was the art worth it

for this fucking loss

i can’t take anymore

everyone i’ve loved has gone

i got hit on tonight a guy bought me a shot ; a shot

i fumbled on the drink

like i wasnt enough

like i didn’t just spend 5 years with a multimillion dollar man

what the fuck

haven’t i learned

i am the magic

i am the wonder

i am the fucking artist

dying for you is tempting

but what do i have to offer ?

what yet can i bring to those who are broken

can i help people

am i worth it ?

God

he is the ONLy ThINg bringing me through this

30,000 followers lmfaoooooo if only

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Today is Ch. 7

Today i try to close the door

i searched your name for some reason on facebook

and the posts i tagged you in back in our prime when we first started falling

memories from our shows together

and it’s bullshit

and i’m angry

does grief end ?

in situations like this

this is a pain i have never felt before

an abruptness i shouldn’t have let happen

emotionally i wasn’t ready

i should have asked God if that was the right choice

but i wasn’t yet in a headspace where i was consulting him consistently

and this is where it is

you weren’t innocent

neither was I

so many half truths

so much feeling buried

when love ain’t enough

Rush

i’m disgusted

i pray to God to remove the bitterness

i lay here clutching my bible like maybe my end is coming

maybe i pray for death every day

to taste what I tasted with you

and then to loose it

to loose it when we touched God

is unbearable

are humans meant to feel that much and feel that deeply?

sometimes i wonder

is it a sickness or a strength

if it can destroy you

how do you feel?

right now on the other side

are you drowning me out with replacements

while i sit here and reflect on everything we were everything we aren’t and everything we could have been

i’m still writing about you

while you bleed into the smallest man

but you risked the fire

why didn’t it work?

why didn’t you step up

why could you never step up

if it was everything we wanted

that was everything we wanted since we were kids

that was years of connection and understanding

soul level recognition

truths on a dark dorm room floor

late night cuddles

secrets

you knew everything

everything

no man knows what you know

no man ever will

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my energy is low as fuck

river of sorrows

i don’t believe in coincidences

the song for us ; the only one off of the paleface swiss album

i can’t pull someone out who doesn’t want to be pulled

a man steps forward in honor and truth to meet the woman he loves

he doesn’t hide in the shadows begging for recognition

i have tossed it over how i’m ending our chapters

7 of them in this season

yet i could unfold 100 more from our adventures since we were kids

and some of them so blurry

some of them so vivid i could never forget them

my body is taking a hit

i must be kind to it

go forward extra careful nutritionally movement wise and spiritually

writing is all i can do

yet i get tired of thinking of you

it’s the same dynamic in Jan before i left when you were just a text away as it is now

the push pull

so telepathically in tune

i’m tired of acting like i don’t feel it

you’re waiting on the next chapter

it’s making me anxious

i’m not ready to post it

not the right headspace not the right time

chapter 7

huh Gods number funny enough

the final chapter of this affair

i am still tossing it back and forth

do i leave the door open

or do i slam it in your face

do i leave the door cracked

or block you completely

i’ve thought about dating other guys just to get you off my mind

but i would be betraying myself i must feel through this release you in time and grace

because i carefully outlined this plot so we’d still have a chance

no matter how slim

i do love you

not in any way i’ve loved any man before you

and not until you lifted me into your arms and kissed me like kissing someone else would never satisfy you in the same way

not the way our lips and tongues synced up effortlessly never forced ….devouring in a moment becoming one entity like there was a branded seal ……you didn’t even have to enter me

just for a moment

i said i’d die here and i still want to

lay it all down like nothing could matter

but that’s foolish and stupid

naive and God has a plan for me

not that i’m crazy about it believe me

my repeated ego deaths as i open my writing up to the fucking internet

like it doesn’t sting every time i have to dig it up

art is not all it’s cracked up to be magnificent as a career yes but in all its glory it’s an ego death a soul cracked open again and again and again and again

ruthlessly with no guarantees on the other side

as i unravel my dreams

as they are glorious and i become ecstatic in Gods plan for me

it comes with anger, confusion, torment, letting go of all i’ve loved, resilience i can barely muster most days and some days i barely scrape by

i’m living on a prayer, literally and my feet go where God takes me

obedience because he’s carried me this far

you see me rising because i believe in my purpose

no matter the cost

but the one thing i want more than anything even if it’s in halves is to keep you close

your fire ignites everything in me that makes me a woman—a wife—a mother

can i hold on; and let go?

can you die an ego death even if i still linger

because i want to text you surrender to you

i cry silently i’m loosing

because i miss you more than anything i’ve lost before

and this was my choice my doing

i wanted us to have a chance

i wanted you to step up as a man

find your purpose

because a man with a fire like yours doesn’t let himself be beaten down

youre wasting your resources

chasing things that’s don’t represent your crown

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it’s been since jan 17th

are you happier ?

am i?

i tried to convince myself i’d lay in your grave with you

when you said i was all you really needed

because you were all i ever needed too

and i can paint you as the villain

i know you’re angry

you despise me

the dreams i have of you haunt me

you succumbing underneath me in spirit and physically

your frantic tears and uncertainty

yet you paint me as the villain in your anger

but i was always just here ready to love you

and you were …….

where were you?

i choose myself over all of you

you choose your pride your ego and your fear

i wanted more out of life

and i say what’s back there could never be met for me

and yet I search for hope in the cracks in my wall

like that will get me through

5 months i’m not fucking over you

———it was only 4 months of our time together ….

why can’t i get over you

the guilt and shame from the lies and deceit

how underneath it all i thought

fuck you; i’ll get my cake and eat it too

and our bodies collided and our souls did too

you can’t make this up when it sticks to you

on your walks , in the air, through a window curtain fluttering

in the missing spaces in the cracks of time

a portal opened up just for us in a fortnight

you surround me as if you put a spell on me

are you enchanted too?

am i loosing my mind , probably

maybe it’s the only way i know how to survive

if it’s revenge you wanted fuck it you won

if it’s my heart you wanted fuck it it’s yours

if it’s my pain you wanted to see me writh in it

rub salt in my sores

how could you expect me to stay when you couldn’t take a risk

but how could we have known what was lying underneath all of it………..::

and why couldn’t we just be patient

reality is here it’s happening now

i must work

even tho i’m so fucking weighed down

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today was a hard day

i spent it wanting to scratch my face off in the name of all the 3 men who scorned me and said i wasn’t attractive enough

i spent it sobbing for over an hour trying to make sense of our entanglement and trying to sit with the possibility that you’re just a bad man

i spent it not getting near as much work done as i wanted to

grief is a fickle thing ; especially when it comes nonstop in a matter of two years

and the fucked up thing

the one i just spent all this time sobbing over ; was the one that pulled me out of the water keeping my head up and held me dried me off and eased all of the ache

then i had to let him go

and i had just enough strength to keep going and maybe a bit more than just enough because of all the love running through me

but on the other side of that the grief

the grief in the not knowing

the years

the memories

the shows

the magic

the lies

the deceit

the masking

the shit talking

the insecurity

the music

the lineage

the weight

the loss

the grief

almost took me under

depressed in my bed for weeks

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it’s like i want to get past you and every time i turn around there you are

was it revenge

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i meditated today

prayed the more i pray the more i fall in love with God and i feel as if im becoming closer and closer to him more than i ever have with clarity and true willingness to step into my purpose

and i FINALLLY put a nail into the paper with the words on what my purpose is : clear like it smacked me in the face to empower women into their feminine/wifey light build their confidence and take up space —-every single woman no matter shape size or “scale” so that the divine feminine may be able to fully connect and reach the divine masculine returning to how it was always meant to be and what we as a society have almost completely lost sight of

and i was so excited when i realized this

WOW —- ok i can breath because now every post will have such intent behind it i hope to still weave my art and fashion into this….but the details will be worked out : i need to master this presentation the gift packaging that’s the next step through my own divine feminine power ; after all i tasted it

danny and i

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after our first date when you fell asleep beside me almost instantly like you haven’t rested so deeply in weeks

holding me leaving me to watch this enchanting show i couldn’t remember the name of but i adored it

you snoring in my ear ( the not so romantic parts)

another night i’m awake at an hour i shouldn’t be wasting away wondering how much art energy and fire i can pour out through our connection

at a time when i needed it most; once again, you kept me alive but this time i loved you

this time i realized the love you had before and how i squandered it in foolish pride & how you ran in boyish fear

my body calls out to you like it does most nights

i believe our story is unfinished

but when the years up and hopefully you’ve left

i’ll know more clearly

i’m hoping to meet you at a show again

like we would know in that moment there’s no escaping it

but nothing is ever as it appears

and nothing ever pans out like you think it will

i thought getting past the smallest man was hard

HAH that was hard very hard indeed i lost my closest friend my brightest light in my darkest days

and over something that was … dumb AF but so very real

but i also didn’t realize the abuse i was subjected to and what hurt the most wasn’t the choice of distancing but the choice of leaving me to rot in the abuse

like you didn’t know my light was so divine

dancing with Jesus in my dreams when i was 9

now that i speak fully in rhymes in my head hahahah that’s what writing does to you i think

back to the one who won’t leave

it will be a long time before this is cleansed

the land is what i grieve not andrew

the land is what i keep my soul tie to my intimate destiny is already lived

i must continue to live as this has already happened

but my soul tie to you?

not grieved , reborn

not dead, alive

not broken, becoming whole

no longer masculine , you put me in my feminine

i want to soak in it like a cold pool on a perfectly hot day

a night swim on a breezy and humid summer evening

i want to breath you in again

if you’d bend back to me

no matter what ; i wouldn’t say no

the reality is you have my heart wrapped around your finger but i couldn’t let you know that

maybe not ever

but if you’d be my husband

i’d be sure you knew it through our safe spaces

songs and shows