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[dellanneghyfh]

Tangled Times

He’d never been one to engage in personal relationships, the military had been his life. It fit him, he knew what was expected of him and excelled at it. So being here, stuck between his growing feelings for his crewmates Liara, an asari doctor and Ashley Williams an alliance soldier he felt the crushing weight of the situation and much rather preferred the battle against Saren to having to make a choice. To be honest his inner battle started when he met Gunnery Chief Ashley Williams on Eden Prime. The mission that was meant to be simple and turned out to be the beginning of the battle to save the galaxy. One of the most in opportune times to be interested in two women. Worst of all he’d never had this problem before, he’d dated sure, but not much. Mostly he kept to himself. That wasn’t the half of it either, every time he came to the citadel he encountered women who would practically throw themselves at him and he’d have no idea why.

To actually tell this story right he’d have to start from the beginning, that point where everything went sideways and upside down, the moment when he surpassed the image of the man who had saved a colony by fighting back. It had been a routine mission, as cliche as it sounds. He was supposed to obtain a beacon from Eden Prime that had been uncovered. Simple, right? Well nothing in Shepard's life had been simple, ever. At that time he was the XO of the Normandy, serving under Captain David Anderson. However this trip was different from the start, there was a council spectre on board. A Turian named Nihlus, to John’s surprise he was there to evaluate him, for the spectre program. Not something he’d seen coming. At that point he wasn’t sure if he should be honored or run for the hills. However, he thought he’d just do what came naturally and let the chips fall where they would. That was before the infamous vid that showed an unknown alien ship attacking Eden prime, before the call for aid made by William’s now dead team. Before all this reaper invasion began. When war had been simple, or so he’d thought.

When Kaiden, Jenkins and he had dropped into Eden prime they’d hit the ground running, fighting Geth, of all beings to be attacking humans Geth were not something they’d expected, it was very clear that this would be no quick pick up an artifact and leave mission. Jenkins, a young Marine was the first casualty killed in action when they’d been ambushed by geth forces, right after landing. That had been the first sign to Shepard that life had just made a 180 turn and would be turning again. As an officer he knew he needed to keep Kaiden’s focus on the mission, he knew seeing a fellow soldier die would affect moral. So he did what came naturally, he rallied Kaiden and kept moving forward, though to himself he felt horrible that he’d lost a soldier under his command. Of course they’d have no time to mourn, as they came up another hill he heard the sound of gunfire, then he saw her Ashley Williams fighting a losing battle against a group of Geth. Without much thought Kaidan and Shepard began aiding Williams shooting back and managing to contain what he was certain had been a battle that would’ve been lost without them.

“Commander, Gunnery Chief Ashley Williams” She stood at attention and saluted him. Painfully obvious she’d known who he was from the start. “I’m all that’s left of my crew, the geth came out of nowhere and attacked” She explained.

“Are you alright, Williams?” he’d asked her without saluting back he rather be informal most of the time. “You think you can help us, we lost a man back there, could use someone who knows the layout?” right to the point, he needed the extra gun and it was obvious that she could handle herself quite well.

“Yes, Sir.” she’d replied just like a soldier would.

After they’d managed to get to the beacon, John had been radioing the Normandy to have them pick it up when all of the sudden it began to fire, and lifted Ashley in the air, without any thought he lunged forward, grabbed her and threw her towards Kaidan, that’s when it hit him with a force he’d never felt before, giving him visions of a battle between organics, and machines. A battle yet to come, the pain radiating throughout his body, as if it were laser printing a nightmare into his very soul. Then the beam exploded throwing him onto the platform, knocking him out, faintly he could hear Williams as she rushed to aid him, next thing he knew he had been waking up in the med bay of the SSV Normandy. With one of the worst headaches he’d ever had.

As he woke he could hear Williams talking to Doctor Chakwas, “I think he’s waking up”.

After the initial questions about how he felt, Ashley explained what had happened, he could sense that she felt guilty about him being injured, that she felt like it was her fault.

“You had no way of knowing what would happen,” he smiled as he tried to reassure her, he had a genuine smile that seemed to effortlessly set people at ease, He stood at nearly 6 FT tall, well toned from his years of service, with Ice blue eyes and dark black hair. “Are you alright? I mean it did hit you first” he asked her.

“Sure skipper, you knocked me out of the way, I’m sorry you got hurt” she sheepishly replied unable to hide the blush forming on her face. She’d followed his career, she’d admired him and watched every intranet vid on him, never thinking or dreaming she’d meet him, or that he’d actually be exactly how they’d portrayed him.

“Good, i’m glad you're alright, though I could do without this headache, didn’t even get to party before this one” he chuckled trying to lighten the mood. He ran his hands through his dark tousled hair as he stood up, feeling a bit weaker than he’d like to admit. Almost tripping in the process, Ashley caught him before he could do a face plant. Their eyes met, and if he’d have to pinpoint a time in which he knew he was in trouble, it would be that moment. Her hazel honey eyes darted back and forth as if she worried for him, yet they held something else behind their gaze, something he couldn’t place. Before he could thank her Anderson entered the med bay, perfect timing, he thought.

After Williams, and the Doctor left the room Shepard relayed to Anderson the details, how Nihlus had been killed by another spectre Saren, How the prothean beacon had been destroyed, the vision that had been imprinted in his mind, and the death of Jenkins. He told Anderson just how the geth had attacked, how they’d turned colonists into husks, zombie like beings. Anderson for his part laid out a plan to speak to the Council, though he was pretty sure they’d do nothing to saren and that Shepard's chances for being a spectre had died along with Nihlus, since Nihlus had been the one to put John’s name in to be a candidate.

“Tell Joker to take us into the Citadel, we’ve got to speak to the council” Anderson ordered as he walked out of the med bay leaving Shepard standing there still reeling from what had happened. Anderson had informed him that Williams had been transferred indefinitely to the Normandy and directly under his command. He knew she would be a great addition, but felt reserved about her being under his command, he knew there’d been a spark between them, that given the chance something might happen, one of those things that would ruin a man’s career. But he did his best to bury it.

Walking out of the med bay into the mess hall Ashley had called him over to her, he obliged though he still felt shaky. However he put on a good front in front of those under his command.

They’d spoken a little about each other, she told him about her guilt having been the only survivor and he did his best to comfort her, and reassure her she did her best. He’d seen the reverence in her eyes, her smile and the blushing of her cheeks as he spoke to her. Reverence, that was one thing he didn’t need. He’d done his job, what he signed up to do. Nothing more than any other soldier. He found himself looking her over, she was a tad shorter than he, with chestnut hair that trailed to the middle of her shoulder blades. Hazel, amber eyes that seemed to query into his soul. If he had to admit it, yes, she was beautiful, and dangerous in so many ways. He learned she came from a military family like he did, that she wasn’t fond of aliens at all. As he walked away towards the lockers his mind mulled over everything that happened in the past couple of days. How a spectre had attacked a human colony, the reapers what they might be, and the realization that he was being considered for the first human spectre. It was one thing to be an N7, the elite of the human Alliance. He’d trained for years for that, plus growing up in a military family pretty much helped him too. He had been proud of that designation, The star of Terra he’d gotten for his actions saving a colony, that was an honor he’d really not mention much. Sure he’d defended the colony from slavers, and much of it he did by himself. However, he’d done his job, something he was required to do. So it really wasn’t something he thought he’d needed.

When they arrived at the Citadel, Captain Anderson told him to meet him at the Humanities advisors office.

That meant he’d have to deal with Udina, he despised Udina. The man seemed perpetually pissed off, and usually at him.

John didn’t mind going to the citadel but it always seemed like people put on a front there, they always seemed to be in their own little worlds. He’d get bombarded by what Ashley jokingly referred to as “Fans” always asking him questions he didn’t want to answer, or for that matter were still classified and he couldn’t answer. At least they were easier to deal with than the damned reporters. As usual the Citadel Council defended Saren, saying there wasn’t enough proof. Leaving him to have to find more proof.

“Next time you and I meet, I’m going to kill you!” he’d yelled at Saren’s holographic image. He didn’t care if he did get into trouble for it. It wasn’t a threat, it wasn’t just said out of anger he’d meant every word of it. Funny thing was everyone knew it too. With that the “hearing” was drawn to a close accomplishing diddly shit and Shepard was fuming, The council had let him get away with an attack on human colony. By the time that they made it to Chora’s den he had calmed down a little, however he had a gut feeling that something bad was about to happen.

“That’s him” they’d heard a merc say as they rounded the corner leading to Chora’s den. Yep, right on que

John thought as he withdrew his pistol and loaded his special ammo. By the time they’d reached Harkin to ask where

Garrus was John was in no mood to deal with his attitude, much to the surprise of everyone he told Harkin to either talk or he’d shoot him for the fun of it. Chora’s Den wasn’t a place Shepard liked to be, it was seedy, a gritty strip bar. He disliked getting the run around even more.

Finding Garrus proved to be easier than he’d thought, right where a cop should be helping someone in need. Some thugs had taken Dr. Michelle hostage trying to force her not to tell what she knew to Garrus, Now this has got to be good! John Thought to himself as he aimed his pistol at what he assumed to be the leader of the idiot brigade. In a baritone voice he commanded “Let the Dr. Go now” That’s when Garrus shot him. Teamwork, John loved good old fashioned teamwork. By the end of the whole fiasco Shepard had picked up another team member, and been rushing to intervene in a meeting with a Quarian who had information, Information that could bury Saren. Tali Zora a young quarian on her pilgrimage, or right of passage had extracted voice logs from a geth, logs that proved Saren had been behind the attack on eden prime. Proved that he’d had a larger plan in the works, though that plan wasn’t really clear.

They rushed Tali and her information to Anderson and udina. John wasn’t sure if it would be enough though he felt it was worth a shot. Making the council believe on the other hand could prove to be harder than he anticipated.

During the second council hearing they believed him, stipping Saren of his Spectre status, though they weren’t unwilling to send troops after him. Somehow that turned into Shepard being made the first Human Spectre in history. He’d felt like it had been a dream, or nightmare with this honor came even more notoriety, more responsibility, and more weight on his shoulders. He hadn’t realized that the ceremony had been broadcast live on the extranet. Everywhere he went on the citadel people kept stopping him, asking questions and most were questions he couldn’t answer. In the short time it took him and the crew to reach the docks recruiting posters of him in his formal blues had been being displayed in the elevators. It had been inevitable that when he boarded the Normandy he went to his cabin, he sunk into his bed, let out a weary sigh just in time for Ashley to knock..

“Come in” he answered roughly voice showing his tiredness.

“ Commander, are you feeling alright?” She’d asked him.

“Ya Ash I’m fine. Just tired. Didn’t expect the spectre news to blow up so quick.” His hand running through his dark hair as he avoided her gaze. “Contrary to popular belief I’m not one who enjoys this attention, just want to do my job.”

“Shepard, I know how you must feel. But you’re the most decorated marine in the alliance. I mean we all trained hearing stories about elysium and how you saved that colony. Saw you get the star of Tera on TV. You’re a hero and someone we all looked up too.” She could see he felt conflicted about it all.

“I did nothing different than any other marine Ash” he relied “I’m just a man.” He’d disliked all the attention and reverence he often gotten. Sure he was proud of his career, but he felt no more important than anyone else. “Trust me ash I’m no more a hero than any other marine” he finally said looking at her, seeing the reverence, the awe in her eyes, and there it was that gut feeling, that flip flop of his heart that deep down he knew was trouble, a trouble that would entwine his duty, his heart and his sanity. A lapse of silence fell over them, he turned away from her. Trying to keep whatever had been happening from showing.

“John, you can’t feel that way” Ashley stopped him grabbing his arm, pulling him back. “You’ve done so much good” she’d left her fingers rest on his hand as he turned to face her. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to offend you,” she quickly withdrew her hand and tried to retreat from the look he gave her.

“Ash, I like you. More than I should admit. God knows I shouldn’t, and you’re making it hard to ignore” John drew a ragged breath in as he felt some relief letting it out. “Like I always say give me a gun, point me at an enemy and I’m fine. Tell me to talk to a woman about feelings and I’m done for”.

He couldn’t face her, not now so he turned and leaned his hands over his desk, where war plans were splayed in a mess on it. Focus eluded his mind, he could hear his breathing and feel the heat on his face.

She stood in shock and barely believed what she’d heard, she liked him, really liked him. Though she didn’t think he’d returned her feelings. “John, I like you too. Course I never thought you’d like me. I respect you so I’ll back off if it’ll make you feel better.” She responded as she tugged at his arm, trying to get him to at least look at her.

He turned around, letting his fingers intertwine with hers. Moving on their own, his mind screamed stop, but his body never heard. Before he’d realized it he’d pulled her closer to him, his free hand brushing an errant strand of chestnut hair back. Tilting her chin up towards his, he leaned forward and gently kissed her, feeling her melt into his embrace only pushed him onward, letting his tongue slip between her lips. Nibbling on her lower lip, he could swear he heard her moan.. his mind swam with duty and regulations, do’s and don’ts. His body though acted on a different command, deepening the kiss until both were breathless and he managed to pull himself away a little “We shouldn’t, don’t get me wrong I want to. But we shouldn’t”. He managed to say through his own ragged breathing”God knows I want you, but it’s not a good idea Ash.” Though he found himself in an awkward position, his back against his desk, her right in front of him. His body responding to their closeness, in ways he was sure would be painful the next day. Silently hoping she hadn’t noticed. Just to have her grind against him, causing him to groan, and their kissing resumed at a more frantic pace. He’d past the point of being able to stop himself, letting himself get lost in the feeling of passion, desire and a want he’d not felt in a long time. He pulled her closer to him, wrapping his arms around her waist lifting her with ease, feeling surprised at how she locked her legs around him. He carried her over to his bed. Laying her down as he lowered himself onto her. Fleeting thoughts of right and wrong floating around in his mind, being replaced by this embrace, this moment where he was just a man. He could feel her hands as they slid under his shirt, as he complied pulling away briefly to remove it. Feeling her touch on his bare skin only fanned his need, igniting even more need from deep within himself, something he’d Long ago locked away. He nibbled down her jawline, to her earlobe, causing her to arche up into him, as he tried to steady himself, though he felt intoxicated by her, with her and beyond the point of merely walking away. But deep down he knew he had to walk away.

Pushing her away trying to gather his composure as he spoke “I can’t do this Ash, it’s not right.” he quickly separated himself from her grasp as she seemed to be angry. But John knew he needed to keep his mind clear, and he couldn’t pursue this any further.