delusionalley - Tumblr blog

[delusionalley]

Shots from the Castle Mont Rouge 🖤 I’ll be adding more photos later but wanted to share this

[delusionalley]

[delusionalley]

Even though I’ve long accepted that I will never be capable of love, I'm still confused as to how and why it is like that with me.

I never expected to be back here, typing this redundant post regarding you. Just when I thought I’m almost a step ahead away from forgetting you, here you are. This feeling of sadness and envy, so familiar.

So pleasurable.

I hardly feel anything now.

You always make me feel something...

New.

[delusionalley]

Because maybe you were right...

This sadness that I feel.

[delusionalley]

A horse swing inside an abandoned barn [1632 x 1224]

Source: https://openpics.aerobatic.io/

[delusionalley]

3am

[delusionalley]

When

I quench my longing by writing to you: Words that would never reach you. It's possible for me to no longer think about you throughout the day but once I lay my head, submerged into the layers of my bed, I think of you. Oh, dear, I think of you. I gave you a huge portion of myself and it was probably the very first irrational thing I rationally agreed to do so. I searched to understand meaning, meaning of what people sentimentalized, to understand feelings. I still couldn't. Until now it still feels like I chose to love you. Yet I tell myself it's real because I was afraid. Was it? It was. Yet I don't understand. Still. Tonight I think of you. My moon, I think of you.

[delusionalley]

Voice

As I read between the lines of your words which repeated in my mind. I could not hear your voice probably because I read to fast and you spoke slow. You've always been careful with what you say which explained how little you muttered words, choking a bit from time to time, words escaping through the nose. You aren't perfect and to me that's okay. You could be moody but I am water. Where are you now my love? My muse. The beautiful scenery my eyes desire. I won't see you again, would I?

[delusionalley]

Another Failed Attempt

I thought this time it would work but it didn't. I'm still yours without you knowing. Yet, it's okay. I'm happy to admire you just from far away and maybe some day you would remember me.

[delusionalley]

Dunmore Park, Airth, Scotland [5760x3480]

Source: https://openpics.aerobatic.io/

[delusionalley]

“Ghost Pier” [6000 x 4000] - Abandoned pier, and mining tunnel- Davenport California

Source: https://openpics.aerobatic.io/

[delusionalley]

Fade

For every memory I treasured comes a price. For every memory I've deleted in order to move on and forget, a part of me felt torn and confused. "This is for the best" I tell myself. I know it is. Things are never easy at first except for some lucky ones. I'm unfortunate to be not one. After a while, it's almost as if I never kept those memories of you in the first place. It makes me realize how fast it is for people to forget once evidences has been burnt.

[delusionalley]

Can't Wake Up

I fell inlove with a man with autism. It didn't matter, to me that's just a label to him for being wonderful and special. I fell for the time we did not spend together. I fell for the words we did not speak. I fell for a man who did not loved me back but it did not matter. I loved him just the same.

[delusionalley]

Reasons

Took me a while to realize the reason why you stayed engraved in me wasn't because of beauty, love or any of those matters. It was because of regret. Regrets from the very moment I came across your face to the very last moment I saw you walk away. All these "what if"s I so loved to imagined. All these "parallel dimensions" fantasized by this longing heart of mine. I wanted to change what has been done because I know that the present me could have made better decisions than the one who melted upon your sight. I wanted to tell you how much I've been less afraid despite me flinching just from seeing someone who resembles you. I looked for someone else who could fill in the gap you left but no one else could. I searched for a way where I could finally face my phobia and make it go away but how could I when the fear isn't present there to begin with? I only felt it with you. I never gave myself a chance to learn how to receive love because all I knew was how to give it away. I never had the chance to explain myself to you on how I am more than an awkward face. I regretted not being able to take the chance to tell you that you made everything feel all right despite the fear. I regretted not understanding myself well enough when you were at my feet, I couldn't explain how my mind and heart argued with one another, confused if what I felt for you was real. Now, it's been three years. I loved you... I still do.... But it's no longer a manner of letting you go but a matter of letting myself go. Letting myself go from all these regrets. I also love myself. I can live without you, Isaiah.

[delusionalley]

It took me 3 years to realize that the reason why I still thought of you was because of regret not love.

[delusionalley]

I have a reoccurring dream of you drifting down into the sea but you weren't drowning. You looked beautiful with how the moonlight, which escaped through the layers of these thick waters, touch your peaceful face. You were as if water, unnoticed by the fishes swimming back and forth. I watched you sink deeper farther away from me.

[delusionalley]

Burnt.