demoneyedgirl-blog - Tumblr blog

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*internal screaming*

[demoneyedgirl-blog]

Just something I don't see here enough

Shout out to people with mild acne Shout out to people with cystic acne Shout out to people with large pores and blackheads Shout out to people with oily skin Shout out to people with acne scars Shout out to people who cover their acne with makeup and are shamed for it Shout out to people who don’t cover their acne who are shamed for it as well Shout out to people with acne that can’t start medical treatment

Skin problems are never displaid in body positivity campaigns. Acne is rearly represented in the media, and when it does it’s represented negatively. You don’t need to have perfect skin to be beautiful.

[demoneyedgirl-blog]

uncanny

Original comic from Poorly Drawn Lines

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Poetry dump time y'all

I'm just backing up my poems on here . I know it's sort of dumb to post my deepest thoughts on your wall where the world can see it . But at the same time it sort of helps me move forward to look through your wall and see that you are never going to be forgotten and that you are just as loved and missed as the day it happened. I'm still pretty sure I received the news a day late, no one called me to tell me but how could I expect them to when they too were wrapped up in their own decimating grief . It's been almost a year now and I am still moping around in the first stage of it, denial. I still have your contact in my phone I was Melvin Wexler in yours and you were Rontaveous Jackson in mine. I still have to pinch myself hard to not text you when my life is falling apart and I desperately need your level headed advice to keep me from breaking down . I am still beating myself up for leaving so early last time I went to visit you . I don't think I'll ever forgive myself for not making how I felt about the situation more clear . While I didn't like the decisions you had made I would and will always support you as a human being and that my love for you as a person never once faltered or shook . Once I made it back home to North Carolina and texted you that I had made it you slowly but surely slipped farther and farther out of my reach . Our usual millions of texts a day went from a million to a thousand to a dozen to if I was lucky I'd get a reply after 2 or so weeks from you . I remember texting you one day to tell you that it was okay if you had outgrown me as a friend because I never really evolved much after I left Florida that I never really stayed sober or had my shit together and I understood that you had , you had kept racking up years of sobriety while I never could even rack up consecutive months , and I told you that I just wanted you to know that I always love you and I always will even if you felt that you didn't want to talk to me anymore because I was what I considered a junkie preschooler while you were a college graduate with a PhD in sobriety . I told you that although it hurt like being ripped apart on a molecular level that it was okay because I wanted you to do what was best for you and if talking to someone like me who was still in the death throes of addiction wasn't healthy for you then don't do it for my sake, do what's right for you . I believe a week later you answered to tell me that no no no you hadn't outgrown me, that you had just been busy and stressed out and hadn't had much time for yourself much less for me and that you loved me and you missed me and that you promised you would try to be better at keeping in touch with me . We both knew deep down that was a prettier truth to hear than what was really going to happen . That was around Christmas , and as the weeks passed you slipped farther and farther away . Early in February I texted you to tell you that I was in the process of a miscarriage and that I was fucking scared and I wished more than anything that you were here and that you would build me a cry fort like you did at royal so that I could cry without being interrupted and then when I finally would raise the curtain to join the world again that you would be there to hold me tight and tell me it's okay because you're still the only person I will ever believe when they say the words "it's going to get better " there was no one I could believe when they said that to me after I knew you had left this world. I carry this deep rooted heavy regret(s) about you . I regret not staying longer when I went to visit you that I let my personal feelings get in the way of me staying there with you and having a fantastic time talking shit to each other and talking shit about the holier than thou crowd while drinking expensive coffee . We had some bright spots when I was there that august, when we went to Boca mall and you showed me that they do in fact serve sangria there and I got a little day drunk and you and I lurked the mall and people watched together . We'd visit our old haunts in Delray together as the gruesome twosome reunited at last . I remember driving home after only about 4-5 days there when I planned to spend almost two weeks and hating myself . We showed each other music and we talked in the riddles of our inside jokes as if I hadn't been gone even a day not almost 2 and a half years . I still fight myself about that now . Whether or not it was the right thing for me or for you to leave early . I still regret it . I still carry so much fucking guilt and I still get so upset and sad that I can't stop crying I can't even form sentences after awhile and I have to be literally pulled off the floor by my boyfriend who you were so amused by the fact he was from mahwah and that y'all had mutual friends . I still honestly would trade spots with you in a heartbeat because I think deep down we always thought it would be me that would leave this earth too soon, not you because you actually had gotten it right . I wish I had dug harder I wish I had pushed you harder to tell me what was hurting you what was going on that was pushing you in that direction you always kept pain like that to yourself because you thought it would burden your friends but we wanted to carry that pain for you because you had carried ours without complaint more times than we could count . But the one piece of light I have at this moment I suppose is that if you had wanted me to carry it for you , you would've told me , that everything went down the way it did because that's how you wanted it too, it wasn't because you hated me or didn't want anything to do with me . It was because deep down we both knew I wasn't strong enough to carry my own much less yours and that was one of the many ways you showed me your love and compassion for me . You weren't trying to shun me or forget me or move on from me , you were protecting me . I wish I could've seen that sooner I wish I could've stopped destroying myself in the name of you moving on from me because that was never the case. You were my other half and that's why you had the other half of my puzzle piece on your wrist like I had yours on mine . You weren't just my other half , you're personality had so many facets you were so many peoples other half because you had a beautiful soul and a beautiful heart and you loved people unconditionally regardless of their faults or wrongs and that's why so many people loved you and were so protective of you . The last words you said to me were something along the lines of I love you and I'm sorry if I was their i'd take care of you if I could . I know that is the truest and most accurate representation of you in one sentence . Rory , I miss you . We all miss you every day we miss you . Little things make us cry because they remind us of you and I feel like that's true for some of you as it is for me . The first time I saw a publix in Charlotte I cried because that was the grocery store we shopped at . The first time I drove to Atlanta after you passed away I cried because last time I was there I was also seeing Weedeater play again and I remember you telling me to just tell Viken that I forgot to get off in Atlanta and oooooopsie would you look at that we're in delray . I love you with every fiber of my existence , my parents loved you with every fiber of theirs they cried as hard as I did when I found out you had left this earth . I constantly repeat to myself that energy cannot be created or destroyed and that upon your passing it just meant that you had moved on from your physical form and now we're the protons and neutrons in the air . You are the air the sun the moon the clouds you are everything that surrounds me you are the reason I smile sometimes when it seems like my world is falling apart you are the little twitch in the corner of my mouth that stifles my giggle to an inside joke that only we shared. You are and always will be my everything , you are the lifeblood to the universe that I live in . I love you and I always will and you will not die until the last person who carries a memory of you has passed and that to me means you will live forever because my children when I have them will know about you your friends children's children will know about you . You will never be forgotten and I know that in my guts . Looking at your wall alone proves that . We can never forget you and we will never try even when it hurts . I love you and I miss you I just wish I could tell you that ^ in regards to my Rory . Who I miss more and more with the days that pass not least it doesn't ever seem to get easier

[demoneyedgirl-blog]

In regards to feelings

Remember the first time you ever dry heaved ? And I mean like hair in your face, face in the toilet,sink,floor,or a broken glass and dog shit spattered pavement , choking on the lack of oxygen going to your brain and the acidic stomach bile foam getting stuck to your bottom lip, and that annoyingly long thick and stringy spit . Once you live that hell, you know that there are very few things like it , there are many experiences in this life but only a few invokes that kind of misery . I remember the first time I got that feeling without having to be too fucked up on drugs or being ridden with food poisoning , and it came in the form of a small vividly colored iPhone screen . And I was black out drunk and I thought it would be a good idea to stick my nose in places it didn’t truly belong . And in that little rectangle of pixels, there was a photo . Of some ratchet tattooed girl naked posing on her bed . And it said happy birthday ;) and I looked at the time stamp and realized I had been sitting next to the person it was meant for when it was sent . And that the person it was intended for was my boyfriend , and we had been together for some time by then. And I remember that punch to my guts . And it felt like I had been hit in the stomach with a sledgehammer . All my nerve endings and pain receptors lit up like a Christmas tree and I gently put the phone back down . Stumbling to put my clothes back on and find my keys and I walked out the front door , leaving it wide open and I went home and I cried . I remember the next time that feeling came back , it was the same screen , the same sledgehammer slamming into my belly over and over again and it kept happening . That lightening strike across my brain , that acid slowly rising up the back of my throat and that salt traveling to my tear ducts. And each time it was easy to pretend to forgive you . But it wasn’t easy to forget . And every time your blood would boil over at the lack of narcotics or something insignificant and dumb that I said or did that had no hint of anger or sarcasm to it that was construed as an insult or anger and then you tore me apart . It would start as little quips that would nibble at my eye sockets , then they would nibble at my nose and use a bite with sharp razor like teeth at my throat . And I would save you the trouble of biting my hands cause I would gnaw at them trying to swallow the words that were threatening to come out my fingertips . And I would bite my tongue for you too, because after all these years I am a writer who has bit her tongue for so long I have more than enough vile come backs . And all those hours spent in the shower having arguments with myself that were mostly unwinnable I have more than enough things to say in defense of myself and they’re words that would do more than nibble at your throat or your heartstrings they would yank out your vital organs with such force you might not feel it for a second but then suddenly all your blood is pouring out and your eyes just got that wide eye surprised look on your face . Your mouth would hang open and probably some more blood would dribble out and stick to your bottom lip. Like the stomach acid does when that pain makes me dry heave. It happens a lot .now days it’s not a dry heave . It’s a quick jerk of my innards towards the floor and possibly through the floor into the floors below and eventually they strike gold because they’ve dribbled down past the upper crust of the earth . Every moment I spend trying so hard to not say whats hurting me . Everything I let slide on a regular basis . All the times I let it slide that you flirt with other girls or that you post tons of pictures hanging all over other girls , or that because something is wrong in your life . You have to make something wrong in mine . That you just say stuff to hurt me so I can be on your level of misery , that you tell me that you don’t want to go somewhere that you’re supposed to go and you won’t disclose the reason as to why , and then I’ll say something like I’m going regardless of you being there or not and then you’ll change your mind right then . Because you act like I’m some sort of slut that you have to keep an eye on because you’ll say well never mind I’m going if you are you can’t go without me because obviously I’m just trying so hard to get fucked by any and everyone anywhere I go if you’re not with me , and then it will end with well will you have a good time if we go . I’m tired of going places with you and you look miserable and people are always asking me what’s wrong with you . Like there’s something wrong with me , it’s nothing that’s wrong with me besides being coated in a film of social anxiety that occasionally causes me to stop talking and look deep into the space above your head and my thinking face is apparently a bitchy face because that’s when it gets worse and you assume that’s something even more wrong with me. And at that point in time . Yes there is something wrong with me : it’s the fact that you always have to assume that I’m miserable when we go somewhere just because I’m having a panic attack or because quiet . Being away from people and being quiet is my safety net , it’s not an insult . It’s not that there is anything wrong with me . But i suppose that isn’t really true either . I’ve spent almost 15 months with you , everyday sans days you were touring or sick . And I’ve waited for you through all of those days . I’ve missed sleeping next to you and missed doing boring shit like watching Netflix with you . I’ve missed just texting you what’s up and getting funny pictures from you . You’ve told me that I’m yours so many times and that’s true . I’ve always been yours never anyone else’s . But it hurts to know that over the past 15 months that there’s been a conflict with the amount of people who think that you are theirs . That there’s been many occasions where shit got real twisted and that maybe a total of 3 or 4 girls thought that you were theirs , whether because you texted them sexy things when your were drunk. Or talked about hanging out with them even if you never did . The concept alone is like nails on a chalkboard to my heart : to think that you planned all of it out that you had picked out where you would go down to the movie and the food that would be there all for some other girl that wasn’t me . That’s what hurts the most . Is that you were capable of saying things you say to me or do with me and thinking of doing it with someone else . Because apparently when we did those things it wasn’t as good as it would be with someone else . That there was something about me that just wasn’t enough or good enough for you but you just couldn’t put your finger on it . So maybe you thought if you did it with someone else you’d be able to figure out what I was missing and maybe find someone better . I did not deserve those things . My loyalty was undeserved . I stuck by you through everything . I let you trample me for fear of losing you but you knew that I would never leave you cause I loved you . And I seriously loved you I didn’t toy with the idea I gave you every part of me with abandon . I didn’t hold back any parts of myself , I put everything on the table , my good side and my bad and I expected that you would take those things and love them even with their flaws , and you did . You took them all, and you you used them as ammo , used them as reasons to leave or to throw in my face to hurt me . But I let that slide . I let so many things slide because I loved you and I still love you with a ferocity that borders on unhealthy . and I don’t understand sometimes why I do because sometimes it seems like that outweighs the times you make me smile and I’m wondering why I let you do that to me, because I’ve done my best not to do that to you because I don’t want to hurt you . As much as you’ve hurt me I don’t think about getting revenge or making you feel the same way I do sometimes . I think about what it is that’s wrong with me that makes you act like that towards me . Because I am such a damaged human being that when you call me stupid or tell me that I looked like a slut or something like that I walk out the door believing you . Because if I ever believed anyone fully and truly it’s you . You’ve been the very foundations I’ve built my life upon because the Tracy you met was a dying empty creature , a creature that would flinch at the very idea of being in public without being beyond fucked up . But then you appeared , and it was terrifying for awhile . To go places with you , because I knew I was weird , I knew my reputation around here I knew that I would panic more often than not and I knew that I would fall for you so hard that it would feel like having a grand mal seizure if I lost you : I haven’t lost you yet . You have slipped from the grip of my claws a few times now , and every agonizing second that you are gone isn’t so painful when you come back to me . But I fear losing you . I am damaged , I am broken , and there are so many pieces of me missing that I feel like an abstract image of myself staring into the mirror . But when you hold me I feel whole, I feel like maybe there is nothing wrong with me . That I am not as vile as I feel. That maybe there are parts of me that can be fixed and replaced simply because you have faith in me . I love you ; you are mine . I don’t question if you are mine anymore . Those thoughts are fleeting and easy to squash like a rogue spider crawling across my counter . But I can’t exist without you . I can’t .

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>.<

Remember the time you didn’t exist ?

Because I currently don't . I'm a shadow in a crowd full if people . Especially without her .

[demoneyedgirl-blog]

This is my best friend . (She's the one with the glasses and the perfectly symmetrical cheekbones . She is my other half . Or I guess was .I still can't bring myself to use the past tense

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this is the money dog, repost in the next 24 hours and money will come your way!!