demons-in-the-shadows - Tumblr blog

[demons-in-the-shadows]

I use to write all the time, seeing as I write best when fucked up and well I use to be fucked up all the time. Now it's been almost a damn decade and I have a bunch of shit started but can't finish any of them even though I'm still fucked up the majority of the time. So I figure I'll post something thats hardly started and see if anybody wanted to share this, add a couple of lines or a paragraph to it then if people kept sharing and adding it might turn into something beautiful as all our minds works differently. If it doesn't go this way thats okay too, I will eventually finish it, I just don't want it to be another decade before I do.

It's called Haunted, two part reason:

1) I'm haunted by my addiction daily which before would numb me but every day I continue to use I'm starting to feel more and more of what I've been suppressing all these years.

2) Since I'm now starting to feel everything I've been suppressing I'm now haunted by the guilt of what happened bc of my addiction.

If you're still with me, here it is, see what you can do with it. All I ask is that not one person finishes it before it has a chance to actually be shared IF it's going to.

Haunted

For our house could never be clean,

I watched it burn with gasoline.

Lit the match then walked away,

Another end to another day.

One after the other they fade from view,

Only to realize they're haunting you.

Try to run, try to hide

But you can't escape what lives inside.

[demons-in-the-shadows]

“Once the needle goes in, it never comes out.”

— -Larry Clark (via colapsedveins)

[demons-in-the-shadows]

...you will not be strong enough to show others your limits...

“It all begins with you. If you do not care for yourself, you will not be strong enough to take care of anything in life.”

— Leon Brown

[demons-in-the-shadows]

God is a needle

and dope our salvation.

[demons-in-the-shadows]

So I was thinking before I scored a small bit earlier ...

When a person who smokes stops smoking them holding something similar shaped can help with the sensory part.

When a person who drinks stops drinking they can hold another type of bottle/can/cup to help with the sensory part.

When a person who shoots multiple times daily stops shooting up they still poke themselves daily with just water to help with the sensory part... yeah fucking right!

For real though, wtf are we suppose to do that would help with the sensory part of tying off, poking yourself and even just the pull/push of the syringe? Instead of just one sensory thing to replace it's the entire ritual we need to replace... well at least it is for me.

I've said it before and I'll say it again... a lot of us are just as addicted to the needle as we are the drugs going inside of it. Instead of just being physically ill from not using we are also adding more to our mental illness as the poke of the needle runs constantly through our minds...

[demons-in-the-shadows]

My back has been absolutely killing me, so much so that it's had me in tears. Did my first shot of boi in a week and I definitely felt the rush but the first thing I noticed was that my back didn't hurt anymore. It seriously feels as though my back get worse daily and it's obviously even worse when I'm not on opiates. With it being this bad in my thirties I'm terrified of what it will be like in 10 years... aging certainly sucks!

* just a bit of boi to help my back... gosh we really do justify it huh 😉 *

[demons-in-the-shadows]

I keep asking myself why? Why the fuck am I still here? Why haven't I ODed? Why haven't I died? My friends in a coma right now and I can't stop thinking that the best of us are the ones that lose. I don't deserve to be here so why the fuck am I here and she's the one dying?

[demons-in-the-shadows]

Omg I can not stand my main plugs cousin.

Three days ago-

Dealer: It will be sometime tonight.

Next day-

Dealer: I should have it this afternoon.

Today at 10:30am-

Dealer: I'll be good in an hour.

One hour later-

Dealer: He'll be here in two hours.

8:30pm-

Dealer: Hey girl I'm good now come through.

DON'T GIVE TIMES IF YOU DONT KNOW THEM. JUST SAY YOU WILL HIT ME UP WHEN YOU GOOD.

I hate this fucking game!

[demons-in-the-shadows]

You know, it’s funny. They call tweakers, and drug addicts in general, “What’s wrong with the world.” However, I’ve never been around, more understanding, accepting, open minded people, in my life. Maybe, it’s just my addict mind, but I don’t think so. I know, addiction hurts people. But, that’s not my point at this moment. In a group of addicts getting high, there is no, black, white, brown, yellow, straight, gay, transgender, male, female, you’re racist, take down this flag, condemn this thing, yadda, yadda, yadda… There’s just a group of human beings, trying to escape. And that, in itself, is a truly amazing thing.

[demons-in-the-shadows]

Most days even just existing is hard enough...

“To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people just exist.”

— Oscar Wilde

[demons-in-the-shadows]

I miss you everyday single day my love

“It is hard to describe loss to someone who has never experienced it, impossible to explain all the ways it changes you. But for those who have, not a single word is needed.”

— Marie Lu, Warcross

[demons-in-the-shadows]

Can straight up see it beating through my chest!

[demons-in-the-shadows]

❤💀💉

[demons-in-the-shadows]

😘

[demons-in-the-shadows]

I did it! Tomorrow will be a week that I haven't shot up any boi and I am so fucking proud of myself. I have recently picked back up on tweaking but as soon as what I have is gone I'm done with that too. Only two problems: one, it will probably last a while bc my tolerance dropped back down so I'm doing way smaller shots then last time I was on it. Two, it's not just the actual boi that was hard to give up, it's also the needle itself. I'm hoping that the fact I hate tweaking alone will help. I truly want to be sober. I certainly didn't intend on relapsing for years but I guess we never do right. Please send positive vibes my way.

[demons-in-the-shadows]

Lunch time shot then spend the rest of my lunch nodding out and then the next hour trying not to while working. Note to self, do less at lunch for now, very obvious reasons.

[demons-in-the-shadows]

❤ it when it's dark!