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Suicide by Fresno Police Dept. HAPPY VETERANS DAY!!

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at Clovis, California https://www.instagram.com/p/Bn5ga2EFcXa_pgY2sdgDQyGp4Wig64Db8UeLPA0/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=oxdepwqvzwri

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Ready for more ? :)

The boy who owned the world NOVEMBER 26, 2017 · FRIENDS The boy who owned a world By Josh Maynard Intro April 2020 People are dying. 2/3s of the worlds population has succumbed to an unknown virus. All humans above age 19 are dead. Corpses lie still in their cribs. Elderly lie eternally asleep in their beds. It all started 3 days ago, the flash. Children are waking up from their coma. Milk is sour. No power. Mommy and daddy smell bad. This is the new beginning. Adults have desecrated the Earth. So, the virus only attacked fully developed brains. Chapter 1 0810 Hours “Everything is fucked man, so fucked!” Eric mumbled as he pulled his red flyers wagon down the street. He stopped at a street light and out of habit looked both ways. Warily he crossed the street. Gunshots can be heard in the distance. the familiar pops that would resemble fireworks brought only death. “Damn kids” he spat in the direction on south Freetown. Eric would be turning 15 this year. Like it mattered, he thought. No more birthday candles. They were too valuable. After a few brisk minutes he reached a partially looted liquor store. He silently laughed at the broken registers and lotto machines. Damn kids. Curiously he made his way down the aisle pulling cans off the shelves. First aid and medical supplies went into the wagon as well. Candy bars, ramen noodles, and even pet food all came off the shelf. He suddenly stopped. He stopped right in front of the huge beer cooler. Shrugging a “what the hell” he grabbed a few cases. Eric managed to haul over 100lbs of supplies back to his house. His dads truck still in the garage. His moms eco friendly hatchback was still in the driveway. After putting his wagon away he grabbed his .22 rifle and his fathers .38 special tucking it in his waist band. After grabbing some pretzels and 12 pack he made his way to the front porch. While sitting in the rocking chair he began to whistle one of his fathers favorite bands songs. Eric solemnly took out a pack of malboros and lit one. While exhaling a large cloud of smoke he screamed “FUCK THIS” taking a final swig of his beer, he threw the bottle into the street. Not shedding a single tear. 3 hours later Eric awoke to the sound of screaming. No, laughter? He lazily opened his eyes to see a few kids playing soccer in the middle of the street. A few boys and girls his age while toddlers watched from the curb. The twins were team captains. Obviously, Eric snorted. Grabbing another cigarette he made his way to the street. The automatic gates didn’t work so he used a manual gate next to his mother’s rose bushes. Earlier he had wrapped all of his bike chains around the gate to further secure it. If he at 10 years old knew how to pick a lock then he could count on other degenerates knew too. After undoing all the chains several kids noticed Eric. “Eric! Finally the master of disaster wakes up!” one of the twins piped up. It was Harry, the boy, all long flowing locks of fiery red hair. “What’s up fire crotch?!” Eric replied. Soon all the little ones crowded Eric squealing and hugging his legs. “We rescued a lot of kids today” Sara mentioned as he made her way through the small crowd. “While you were shut in your castle”. Sarah gave him a peck on his cheek. “We thought…..” her gaze fell low “We thought you were fish food man!” Harry exclaimed “But look at you! Smoking AND drinking. Wow. Hey wheres all the warm beer?” Eric put his thumb behind him “I put it in the pool”. At the mention of a pool the kids all stopped playing with the ball. “Well fuck this! Me first!” Harry yelled pushing past all the little ones “Take him hostage sis, hes all yours!” he screamed just as an army of children began to run behind him. Eric smiled, my little army, he thought. “So hot shot, what’s the plan?” he turned to see Sarah in white shorts and a yellow blouse. The wind was whipping her hair across her shouders. She and her twin brother were 16. Sarah and Eric swapped their V-cards together just that summer. “Well Darling” he said between puffs “I guess we take over the world” laughing he locked the gate and slid his arm around her waist. Together they made their way to the pool. “Don’t drink it all asshole!” Eric yelled as Harry grabbed his another beer. “Relax bro, ill go get you a whole store!” Harry replied. They both fell back in their lawn chairs laughing. “Is this the life or what?” Harry asked “Despite the fact I forgot we have no parents, its been alright” Harry whistled a somber tune. “Yeah, our dad was an ass so we put him in the county dump” Harry replied gleaming “ Fuck-em” he whispered as he took another swig. “So captain whats the plan? I mean, how do we live? Obviously we cant take care of all these little bastards” Harry mentioned while he waved his hand at the pool. The pool was filled with more then 50 screaming and laughing kids. They all had forgotten for the time being that they had awoken to dead parents days before. Eric smiled at Harry “I guess we can drop them off in the woods somewhere—OWWW” “Sarah punched Eric in the shoulder “Well? Do you have any ideas princess?” Eric said turning towards her. She was rubbing her temples while in deep thought. “We need them…” she finally said “We need an army” Harry began to laugh but quickly fell silently, no one else thought it was funny. “Your serious?” said Eric, she turned to him “ Its time babe. We’re taking over”. Eric lifted his beer and chugged the rest in one gulp, “Si vis pacem para bellum” he whispered. Chapter 2 A few months later Cars had now been parked to block the ends of the street. After Eric dispatched Harry to the local hardware store to get generators. The wall was being built. Tony was named head engineer. Tony was 13 and still in love with legos so to Eric it was a no brainer to charge him with building a wall. He now supervised 8-15 year olds as they cut and nailed new sections. Eric drove by in his Hummer. “Hey Tony the tiger, hows the progress?” he asked stepping out. Tony grimaced, “ Im not gunna lie Er, we are way behind. That last attack from the Baron’s set us back. We are now using fire retardant wood and aluminum roofing to cover the wood. At least the gate anyway. The vulneralbities are the alley’s and the sewers”. Eric was writing in his notebook. “ Anything else to report?” Tony looked sideways “Well, one of the new recruits is causing some trouble” At this Eric looked up “Trouble?” Tony sighed “She causing some dissention with the younger ones, he goes by Striker” Eric spat at the ground “Son of a bitch” he pulled out his radio “Base 1, this is golden eye over” his radio crackled “Golden eye we read you, what’s your 20? Over”. The kids had raided a police station armory and found radios with code books. “Find out who is in charge of our new guppies (recruits) and bring them all to the hall of justice, over.” Eric said “Roger wilco sir, over and out”. Eric kicked a rock “To the torture chamber we go”. He climbed behind the wheel of the truck and sped off grinding his cig mouth. “Attention on deck!” Lt Gaby screamed. “ At ease” Eric barked. The whole room sat at Eric’s command. “ Lt, give me the list of guppies” Gaby promptly handed over a list of this week’s workers. Striker was last on the list. “Guppie Striker?” Instantly a frail blonde girl stood. She was about his height with green eyes and a very extenuating bust. Shit, Eric thought, he assumed it was a male. “Seize her” 4 guards responded and cuffed her. “Bring her here” Eric commanded, the guards led her without protest to the front of the hall and sat her in the Truth Chair. “Guppies DISSMISSED!” Eric bellowed, Lt Gaby began to bark orders and led them back to work detail. As the last recruit left Eric told the guards to wait outside. “Id rather blow you then get raped” Striker spat in rebellion as he walked behind her. “Who do work for?” Eric simply asked ignoring her provoke, “What?” Eric slapped her hard “Argh, I don’t WORK for anyone you jackass!” Striker screamed. “Why all the bullshit on the wall then!? Your speech is a cancer” Eric retorted as he began to lose his cool. He stayed behind her “I was only talking shit!” She screamed, she smelled good Eric thought as he leaned into her ear “Liar liar pants on ….” He then proceeded to lift a can and pour precious gasoline all over her body “….Fire”. Pity, she smelled so nice. She was screaming and thrashing but chains held her down. He circled her and took out a cigarette, light it and inhaled. “Look ill do whatever you want ok? Ill do whatever you want, please!” she was crying hard now, it gave Eric a thrill to hear her beg. “Tell me, who…..do….you….work….for” He breathed out his smoke so thick she began to cough “Fine FUCK, FINE! Fuck! Ill tell you! But I cant go back there! Please! They will kill me!” She screamed as Eric lit another match. “Who will?” Eric whispered as he slowly circled her. “The fucking jackets!” this puzzled Eric. The Yellow Jacket football team, he thought. Shit. “Guards!” Eric sat down, hands in his lap patiently studying Strikers face. She looked like an animal caught in a trap. The gas worked every time. If she only knew it was a cup of gas poured in a gallon of water for the smell. He smiled as moments later the Hall’s door was filled with guards. “Put her in solitary” He nodded to Striker “Brig, bread and water 3 days. That’s it.” Just as he finished his command Sarah burst through the front double doors with her honor guard trialing her. Oh shit, thought Eric. Sarah walked right up to Striker and punched her in the throat. Striker, still tied in the chair, fell gasping for breath still attached to the Truth chair. “Why wasn’t I notified immediately? Shes a fucking spy?!” Eric looked like he was actually 15. He then looked her straight in the eye and told her the truth “I didn’t want to risk it over the radios” Sarah kicked Striker in the stomach “And that’s for soliciting yourself on my man bitch!”. Between gasps Striker managed a weak “Fuck you..” Sara scoffed and began to try and stomp her face but Eric quickly intervened. “Stop Sara!” She looked back at him incredulously “We need her!” He urgently whispered. “Shes from a new gang, that football team from Glenbard High? Yellow Jackets apparently. That school is a fortress! Fuck a wall. That place could be our capital! We are close to 800 strong and climbing everyday….we need to expand” Eric then lightly kicked the now unconscious girl on the ground. “Shes our golden goose” It took Sara a few seconds to contemplate this and then suddenly jumped on Eric “ Oh Darling this is why I love you!” She blurted in between kisses. “Ahem” a cloaked figure appeared in the Hall’s doorway. “Come now children, daddy’s home!” a familiar Harry swept off his cloak in a kingly manner. “Scary Harry! My man, how goes it?” Harry lit a cigar and dragged a huge toke. “Well, the campaign is going well, we brought an additional 76 guppies in. But even better are our raids. I put the preliminaries on your desk Governor, ill tell you this, we hit em hard” Sarah released her grip on Eric “How hard?” She breathed slowly. Harry took his time “Uhhh…about 10,000 gallons of fuel” Eric’s cigarette fell from his mouth. Sarah ran to her brother and picked him up in a excited embrace. “You little devil you! How!? A transport?” she set him down “Of course my horse! We were raiding the airport when our scouts spotted a few Baron’s guarding a jet and a truck. Our snipers took out the gurads and when we searched the plane. Nothing but this white powerdy stuff. Looks like coke?” “Celebration?” Harry asked his lifetime best friend. “Its time to kill the fatted calf” Eric said with a smile. It was going to be a very good day after all. “Governor! Eric wake up!” Eric opened one eye, it was Lt. Gaby. “Yeah yeah im awake, whats the matter?” Gaby gave him a report “Is this true?” Gaby nodded “Ever since Sparrow (Stanley) put out that radio signal our radar is picking up thousands of kids and vehicles alike”. Shit, he thought, too soon. “Get me my gun and hail Cmdr Sarah and Cmdr Harry NOW!” Gaby quickly saluted and ran barking orders. Within minutes Sarah and Harry had Alpha Teams swarming the banisters. “I want snipers on every fucking roof damn it!” Eric yelled into his throat mike “And someone bring me some coffee!” Eric reached in his pocket and sniffed some sugar, he was floored. “Gaby, get processing teams down there now!” Eric knew first hand what could happen if close to 2,000 kids got riot worthy. Processing teams pushed through the huge make shift camp. Gaby got a p.a. “Males on the left side of the street and females on the right” Medical teams were then dispatched to triage the new kids. “We cant let them all in Eric, there’s not enough supplies” Harry said as he looked at the huge crowd. Reports were coming in that thousands were being added. “Then we build more walls. Send out more raid parties.” Harry looked away in anger “You have no idea what its like out there do you Er? How many good guys and girls ive lost trying to feed these outsiders” He spat as he waved his hand over new guppie crowd. “You and Sarah are living in this fantasy….you CANT save the world.” Eric knew Harry was right. They couldn’t keep on taking in every new guppie that they found. They were already at max capacity. They needed to expand. And he knew just the place to annex. Now was his chance. “Sarah, call the council together and Gaby?” “Yes, capt?” “Make sure these migrants have bread and water. Keep em happy” Gaby then replied a few seconds later “ Uh sir, theres a leader here who calls himself Josiah, he would like a word” Sarah looked at him with conern but Harry volunteered “Ill go baby sit the prophet” Harry said laughing as he climbed down the banister. “He’s a tough SOB that one!” Eric said as he watched Harry entreat this leader to succumb to his world. They both entered the gates minutes later arm over each others shoulder. He was a red head. Damn irish, Eric thought as he chuckled. “Well, you have your army Darling, whats next?” Eric pulled another cigarette from his almost empty pack. “We are gunna take that fucking school” Chapter 3 “8 days later” *Eric and Harry are on a hill ½ mile from Redwood High. Eric has a spotters scope & Harry is staring down a Barret .50. Both are dressed in camo. Its been two says since last relocation. Eric cant stop smoking. He worried about his young sniper team. Most of his team consisted of teenagers trained on video games of violence and gore. Bravo and Alpha teams consisting of 5 guppies contained a comms, medic, assault, and sniper team were stationed in the North and Charlie and Delta were moving in from the East & West. An entire storm trooper army was stationed just outside the Yellow Jackers radar about 2 clicks south, about 2k strong in the FOB* “There he is…” Eric, alert and hyperviligant, whispered. “The queen bee himself, range?” Harry asked “400 yards” Eric whispered. “Fuck man I cant make that shot!” Harry said setting down his rifle. “This is way different then COD bro, we got wind and drop to factor in” Eric whipped out a compass and wind navigator and ran the numbers. “Shoot 8 inches to the left and 5 inches above your target” Eric said to Harry. “Seriously?” Harry spat incredoulous. “Dead serious, simple calculus my friend, x is always moving” Whispered Eric. He watched through his spotters lens as the Queen Bee drank some hot liquid on the roof. “All units prepare for execute, on my mark, fire fire fire……” Erics words were muffled by thunderous crack of lightning. “WEAPONS FREE!” Eric yelled into his throat mike. Infantry units on dirt bikes, ATV’s, and trucks with .50 came barreling from all units and entire buses full of grunts began to appear on the horizon. The siege lasted 45 min. Multiple units began to engage the Yellow Jackets on the 1-4 floors of the school. Tear gas and smoke filled the courtyards. The ill prepared YJ did not stand a chance against riot gear and gas. Many young militants fell in the first few minutes. Medics were dispatched to patch up the wounded. Enemies were captured and rounded up in a make shift camp. After the intial stages of the invasion, the battle was over. A white flag was shown from the Gym of the school which served as HQ. The Gym was full to the brim with over 1,500 kids. “Cease fire!” Harry commanded over his mike. “Infantry, secure the perimeter, Flood the tunnels and seal the gates. No one in or out. Process all citizens of the YJ colony and get medical teams to triage the survivors.” Eric barked into his mike. “Sniper teams, your on overwatch duty, if you see a weapon in the hands of the enemy, terminate them” CRACK Harry slumped over. His face hit the cold ground with a sickening thud. Everything happened in slow motion. Eric’s initial assement assumed his wound was fatal. Crawling over, he deduced that the round had grazed his ear and rendered him unconscious. “FUCK EVAC ON MY POSITION NOW! I need artillery on that roof now! Mobile units, put suppressive fire on those banisters! SOMEBODY PUT A FUCKING BIRD IN THE SKY!”

[demosthenes46-blog]

Monster Confessions

So father give me the strength to be everything I’m called to be. Honesty without compassion is brutality. There is a value of honesty that most people can not afford. The simple fact is 99% of the world cannot fathom the truth. They cannot handle it. It hurts too much. Truth is pain. Pain is the body’s early warning system. In fact, our brains pain receptors are designed to protect the body from doing self-harm. That’s why so many people are comfortable with doing the minimum in life. They are comfortable with mediocre. They are comfortable with lies. Deceit creates a false sense of security. Is this bad? That depends on the level of deceit. It depends on the context. It depends on the persons pain threshold. It depends on how much you want to change. If you were comfortable sitting on your couch, curled up next to a fire, watching your favorite program, would you change anything? Absolutely not. Even if you did, what value does this change bring? Absolutely nothing. The point is change doesn’t come unless we are willing to be uncomfortable. Uncomfortability is the precepice of change. One of the hardest things you can do for someone is tell them exactly what they need to hear regardless of how much they want it. Honesty without the empathetic compassion. To be brutally honest is to make someone feel completely and utterly uncomfortable. So what can we do? Do you continue to allow each other to live in this false sense of security? Well, how much do you love them? You choose your level of involvement from this point on.

[demosthenes46-blog]

Monster Confessions

God is good.

So the first thing I thought of when I woke up this morning was “What in the world happened last night?”

Yeah, it was one of those nights.

Hahahaha

My second thought was, Did God really allow My mothers dog to be found yesterday? And sure enough I looked in my mothers room and there was our family mutt wagging his tail on my moms bed.

He was missing for 6 Days

Somewhere between Shields and West he was lost in a parking lot. We didn’t know if he was taken or if he jumped out or anything. I remember I was at the casino when I got the call from not only my mother but my 2 older sisters yelling at me and accusing me of either taking him or intentionally letting me out of the car.

I was appalled. Is this how low my family thinks of me?

Homeless. Addict. Sinner. Fallen. Rotten. Rancid. Now I’m a dog thief? Hahahaha give me a break.

I got angry.

I got motivated

I had my friend Afgan drop me off at the corner of Fresno and Clinton, I began to walk home, 4 miles away at 11pm.

That night was the hardest. My mother did not want to let me in. She didn’t want any more pain in her life. She needed her son and I wasn’t willing to give up.

So we made posters.

We posted pictures.

We talked to great people on the streets.

We visited the pound :(

Offered and paid money for information.

Still, nothing.

We had other issues too. One night,

I smacked my little sister randomly out of play and she threw a shoe at my head. I pushed her over and she fell on a basket and broke it. Consequently, she ran to my older sisters house and completely threw me under the bus hahahah. Next moment my sis has a baseball bat and is swinging it at me. I took the bat away and showed her and her own abusive boy toy the door.

That was an emotional day because we had just released memorial balloons for my dead sister earlier that day. Luckily my mom saw through the little ones manipulation and recognized her retaliation was in fact due because I caught her stealing from me mum.

Anyway, emotionally charged b.s. is the social norm here in the ghetto. But everyone came together to look for Max.

Well we were praying and circling north Fresno everyday this week……except Sunday.

Sunday we woke up early. Me and mother had worked the pantry together on Friday so we were still vibing

That day she looked at me and said “We are going to find him today”

Always the optimist.

Little did we know that 2 days later right after church, God allowed my sister (with the bat) and her boy toy to go pick Max where he his little journey started, Shields and West.

My mom was right. But we didn’t find him.

He was DELIVERED back to us. Back to the same place my mom said just a few days prior.

We could do nothing but thank God.

I don’t know what He has in store for us in this life. I don’t know. I don’t get to choose .

The more I realize this, the more I LET GO and LET GOD

Wow

A terrible cloud has been lifted.

But when it comes, I embrace his grace like rain.

[demosthenes46-blog]

Nifty little second hand shop. #dowtown #sac #sacramento #hipster #hipstamatic #lol (at Lost Treasures - Vintage Pickers and Thrift)

[demosthenes46-blog]

Monster Review’s

So tonight is the night. I feel an amazing energy coming from the floor of my local coffee hangout, Shine. Located in downtown Sacramento and just minutes from the capital. Headlining tonight is a gentleman by the name of Tey Yaniis. My first impression of this local old-soul is a tall man of simple things.  But from a ordinary life comes extraordinary music.  His style is pioneering and reverberating through my soul.  

Show your support by following and liking Tey on Spotify https://open.spotify.com/artist/1YVGKPiNiUTBr3RhG51hy0

[demosthenes46-blog]

“Forgiveness is not only for the person your forgiving, forgiveness is also for you” #love

So self, I forgive you ❤️ It feels like a thousand pounds has been lifted off my chest. For a very long time I’ve been weighed down by my past resentments and guilt. That black cloud loved to follow me for years.

I have poor coping skills and impulse control. I self medicate because for years I was not ok with Me. I had to realize in order for me to love others, I had to begin to love myself. One of the hardest things I ever had to do was stare in the proverbial mirror and be content with the monster staring back at me. I don’t myself see as a monster anymore. I see a man stricken with grief, filled with pain, and motivated by love.

I no longer resort to fear #truth

[demosthenes46-blog]

Yeah, I wish I could get rid of these feelings. I’ve been plagued by digress for the past 5 years. I wish I could sit down with God and explain why I don’t deserve this. I wish I wish wish.

Too bad I know the story of Job all too well. I was asked to speak at a AA meeting this week. My first time ever trusting an entire audience with my story. I walked them through a fucking movie. Some people think my story is incredible, others, well they think it’s unbelievable. Truth is my life is barely starting. I was amazed at the amount of support I got. So many men recognized themselves in me. Here I was thinking I was alone.

I hate being alone.

It’s crazy to think I’ve been living “homeless” for 4 months now. It’s crazy that I feel absolutely peaceful sleeping outside. I missed the stars so much. I call it urban camping.

Basic challenges? ————————- Fresh Water FOOD Shelter Free power lol

They ask me, “Josh, why are you doing this?” I give them excuses

Court Nudge from a Judge Addict Alcoholic Sister dying FBI raided my apt Evicted Vicitimized Silenced

But the ultimate truth is that I do not know why I’m doing this. Maybe I’ll find the answer in my next city ✌🏼

[demosthenes46-blog]

Confessions

Every time I get sober, I have to deal with these emotions. Fuck man, I hate that I don’t feel comfortable with me. I mean I have past resentments and guilt. I can’t seem to let go.

I’ve been used. I’ve been abused. Ive used. I’ve abused. WHEN WILL THIS PAIN STOP?!

OR

When will I stop causing it?

April 17th 2012, I tried to commit suicide. Shannan was in Carlsbad visiting her grandparents. I remember she was only planning on staying 2 weeks, and I told her “Why not stay for a month?”

I wanted her gone. I knew she was going to stop me.

So after weeks of binge watching Netflix and ordering delievery, sleeping on the couch, going to work, coming home, staying inside, I finally gathered the courage to shoot myself.

I remember sitting there unloading my rifle and reloading my rifle. One round. Over and over again. It was a 7.62x54R round. An AK round. It would do the job.

After awhile I lost track and finally practiced placing the rifle in my mouth and pulling the trigger. It’s not that easy, a rifle is long and you have to reach down while literally biting the barrel.

Well.....I finally figured it out and I held the butt between my my boots. I was wearing my uniform. I wanted to end the pain I felt. The guilt I felt. My job was causing me so much pain. I was tired of feeling. I wanted to numb myself once and for all.

I’ll tell you that the taste of metal and old gunpowder is disgusting. I instantly spat out the barrel. “Just DO IT FAGGOT! YOU PUSSY!” I was telling myself. But then I thought about our cats.....those stupid fucking cats that Shannan had talked me into getting. Those beautiful black cats that would comfort me while I was crying myself to sleep or when I sat on the couch for days at a time. I thought whose going to feed them?

You see Shannan wasn’t going to be back for another week so I had to feed them. I got up from our bedroom and took out a new bag and ripped it open. I poured the entire 10lbs bag on the kitchen and turned on the sink. And I went back into the bedroom and grabbed my rifle again.

Then I thought “ shit, I better put plastic down, I don’t want my wife to clean up too much”

Then it hit me:

~If I truly wanted to commit suicide, why did I care so much?~

Because I didn’t want to die.

I just wanted to end the pain.

I put my rifle away.

The next morning I get called in to work for “an emergency safety brief”

Wtf

ITSN Morgan, my best friend, shot himself in the head. He still owed me $20 from a poker game.

He worked right next to me. He shook my hand two nights prior and said “I’ll see you later Maynard”.

The first thing I did after the brief was to hit my dashboard of my wife’s truck over and over again. “FUCK YOU CODY!!!! YOU STUPID FUCK! WHY DIDNT YOU CALL ME?!?”

I was screaming inside.

I was angry...

I was confused...

I was also sad he stole my idea.

But then I saw how much his death affected us. The entire command. More people began to open up that they were feeling suicidal as well. They brought in grief counselors for weeks. They reduced our hours. They gave us room.

We were just fucking kids man...

I was 19 years old with a TS/SCI clearance processing coordinates and messages.

Indirectly responsible for over 1,247 deaths in Afghanistan.

The kids kinda fucked me up.

Seeing the pictures come back.

Innocent babies

I HATED MYSELF

Well Shannan eventually came back. She didn’t know how to deal with me.

So she checked out. Cleared out the bank account, packed her shit, and sold our 11k truck for $900. And then poof! The Navy said I was unfit for duty and I lost my job.

You see she called my Senior Chief and told him she was worried about me.

They brought me in.

Took away my guns.

And gave me the help I needed.

I miss her a lot, you know?

I still love her.

She saved my life.

She was my best friend too.

Her memory, the good and the bad, motivates me even still to this day.

If you read this whole story, Thank you.

I had to get this off my chest. I never told anyone and now? I’m not ashamed of myself. I need help. I’m trying to quit using. I’m sober and I hate it.

But I’m happy today, just for today

[demosthenes46-blog]

Yeah, I wish I could get rid of these feelings. I’ve been plagued by digress for the past 5 years. I wish I could sit down with God and explain why I don’t deserve this. I wish I wish wish. Too bad I know the story of Job all too well. I was asked to speak at a AA meeting this week. My first time ever trusting an entire audience with my story. I walked them through a fucking movie. Some people think my story is incredible, others, well they think it’s unbelievable. Truth is my life is barely starting. I was amazed at the amount of support I got. So many men recognized themselves in me. Here I was thinking I was alone. I hate being alone. It’s crazy to think I’ve been living “homeless” for 4 months now. It’s crazy that I feel absolutely peaceful sleeping outside. I missed the stars so much. I call it urban camping. Basic challenges? ————————- Fresh Water FOOD Shelter Free power lol They ask me, “Josh, why are you doing this?” I give them excuses Court Nudge from a Judge Addict Alcoholic Sister dying FBI raided my apt Evicted Vicitimized Silenced But the ultimate truth is that I do not know why I’m doing this. Maybe I’ll find the answer in my next city ✌🏼

[demosthenes46-blog]

“Forgiveness is not only for the person your forgiving, forgiveness is also for you” #love So self, I forgive you ❤️ It feels like a thousand pounds has been lifted off my chest. For a very long time I’ve been weighed down by my past resentments and guilt. That black cloud loved to follow me for years. I have poor coping skills and impulse control. I self medicate because for years I was not ok with Me. I had to realize in order for me to love others, I had to begin to love myself. One of the hardest things I ever had to do was stare in the proverbial mirror and be content with the monster staring back at me. I don’t myself see as a monster anymore. I see a man stricken with grief, filled with pain, and motivated by love. I no longer resort to fear #truth

[demosthenes46-blog]

Monster Review’s

So tonight is the night. I feel an amazing energy coming from the floor of my local coffee hangout, Shine. Located in downtown Sacramento and just minutes from the capital. Headlining tonight is a gentleman by the name of Tey Yaniis. My first impression of this local old-soul is a tall man of simple things.  But from a ordinary life comes extraordinary music.  His style is pioneering and reverberating through my soul.  

Show your support by following and liking Tey on Spotify https://open.spotify.com/artist/1YVGKPiNiUTBr3RhG51hy0

[demosthenes46-blog]

Nifty little second hand shop. #dowtown #sac #sacramento #hipster #hipstamatic #lol (at Lost Treasures - Vintage Pickers and Thrift)

[demosthenes46-blog]

Monster Confessions

God is good.

So the first thing I thought of when I woke up this morning was “What in the world happened last night?”

Yeah, it was one of those nights.

Hahahaha

My second thought was, Did God really allow My mothers dog to be found yesterday? And sure enough I looked in my mothers room and there was our family mutt wagging his tail on my moms bed.

He was missing for 6 Days

Somewhere between Shields and West he was lost in a parking lot. We didn’t know if he was taken or if he jumped out or anything. I remember I was at the casino when I got the call from not only my mother but my 2 older sisters yelling at me and accusing me of either taking him or intentionally letting me out of the car.

I was appalled. Is this how low my family thinks of me?

Homeless. Addict. Sinner. Fallen. Rotten. Rancid. Now I’m a dog thief? Hahahaha give me a break.

I got angry.

I got motivated

I had my friend Afgan drop me off at the corner of Fresno and Clinton, I began to walk home, 4 miles away at 11pm.

That night was the hardest. My mother did not want to let me in. She didn’t want any more pain in her life. She needed her son and I wasn’t willing to give up.

So we made posters.

We posted pictures.

We talked to great people on the streets.

We visited the pound :(

Offered and paid money for information.

Still, nothing.

We had other issues too. One night,

I smacked my little sister randomly out of play and she threw a shoe at my head. I pushed her over and she fell on a basket and broke it. Consequently, she ran to my older sisters house and completely threw me under the bus hahahah. Next moment my sis has a baseball bat and is swinging it at me. I took the bat away and showed her and her own abusive boy toy the door.

That was an emotional day because we had just released memorial balloons for my dead sister earlier that day. Luckily my mom saw through the little ones manipulation and recognized her retaliation was in fact due because I caught her stealing from me mum.

Anyway, emotionally charged b.s. is the social norm here in the ghetto. But everyone came together to look for Max.

Well we were praying and circling north Fresno everyday this week......except Sunday.

Sunday we woke up early. Me and mother had worked the pantry together on Friday so we were still vibing

That day she looked at me and said “We are going to find him today”

Always the optimist.

Little did we know that 2 days later right after church, God allowed my sister (with the bat) and her boy toy to go pick Max where he his little journey started, Shields and West.

My mom was right. But we didn’t find him.

He was DELIVERED back to us. Back to the same place my mom said just a few days prior.

We could do nothing but thank God.

I don’t know what He has in store for us in this life. I don’t know. I don’t get to choose .

The more I realize this, the more I LET GO and LET GOD

Wow

A terrible cloud has been lifted.

But when it comes, I embrace his grace like rain.

[demosthenes46-blog]

What do you think of my recycled paper business card?? Doppppeeeeee #business #heroenterprisesinc #wemowyourlawn #wewashyourwindows #wecleanup #veterans #navyveteran (at Fresno, California)