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You know…. My birthday has never been something i care about. Not since i was a kid. My grandmother died when i was like 4 ish. We were born on the same day so i never really tried to be happy on my birthday.

And ive always had two siblings ive always known and three that i didnt. Until recently. I started talking to one of my sisters i didnt know and i very recently met the other two.

I think its an absolutes shame that the brother ive known my whole life didnt wish me a happy birthday, or even contact me, and the sister ive known my whole life only did so after being told it was my birthday.

I understand people have lives and you cant always remember. Thats fine. Im 21 i really dont care all that much if they got busy. My nephew from my sister ive been near has a potentially broken wrist i get that that’s important.

But the shameful part is, my two sisters im just getting to know, told me happy birthday. One told me early because she remembered it was late april, and then restated it today. And the other texted me. Now one of those two sisters, has three young children. If any of my siblings forget she had every right to. My brother i just met, doesnt get on Facebook and has no other contact to me, and has three children one 7 i think? One a bit younger and a baby. He has a right to forget. And even though my other sister im just getting to know has no kids, she is still new in my life. I wouldnt care if she forgot.

But two out of those three made time out if their day to contact me and wish me a happy birthday, and yet it is now 11:39 and i still havent heard from a brother ive known my whole life.

So happy birthday to me. I just needed to rant to someone. So screaming into the void it is.

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When people die near you… everyone acts like somethings wrong… they expect you to be immediately sobbing and torn apart. Ive never done that. Not immediately. Ive always hid and cried alone. Ive always had to be strong when everyone else is tearing themselves apart. I dont know how to be sad. And now that im not a kid anymore people just…. Expect me to be able to mourn normally. But i cant. People keep asking if im okay. But its a stupid question. No im not okay. People keep asking how they can help…. But they cant. No one can. No ones ever tried. And maybe in a way i am tearing myself apart. Ive not ate anything today…. And ultimately that will only lead me back into ed but. Its whatever. Ill be okay. One day

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Honestly I need some good news now

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Wonderful. College has gotten so bad that I legit considered suicide... I’m not going to, Incase anyone reads my void screaming. Something always keeps me here despite everything. But I’m probably going to fail out and live lonely forever.

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Sometimes I wonder if my brain just doesn’t actually like food. Like. I want to eat but my brain is like. But... no people. You can’t eat.

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I feel like I shouldn’t even be upset that some of my friends don’t like enbies. Like. I know I’m valid. I know they’re good people, they just don’t get it. But at the same time I have social anxiety and am so quiet anytime I try to say something I’m talked over and ignored. I feel like they hate on me because they don’t know, but I’m too afraid to tell them because they hate on me. And I’m so used to having people shit on my identities that I’m just accepting of it. Like I love them they’re great friends as long as we don’t talk about lgbt. So I bury my emotions or disassociate. They make me afraid to put my pronouns on the door because what if someone finds out. What if someone tells them. They’re my only friends here too. Like. Without them I’ll be in my room until I need to eat then leave immediately. Or I can try to tell them and get shunned.

This is just screaming into the void with eeeeeeeehhhhhhh

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Please make this go viral.

It is so important I don’t even care if you delete what I write here, just help it be seen. 

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No one will read this. At least probably not.

But Incase you do, my stepdad is what I’d consider emotionally manipulative.

I don’t know if he knows or not. And I want to tell him. But it’ll just start a fight. Kinda wish this semester would come sooner. I only have 2 weeks till I’m free, but... for now I have to deal with it I guess.

Idk if I’ll ever actually use this account but here ya go I guess. Screaming to the void always helped before.

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Anti anxiety.