depressedoptimistic13

[depressedoptimistic13]

Sometimes I’m just standing in the kitchen, going through the motions. And it’ll hit me.

I’m standing next to my crush.

I’m making a sandwich in his kitchen.

I’ve been living with my crush.

I’m married to him.

And then he’ll turn and wink.

Fuck, I’ll get those damn heart flutters and I’ll feel my face get warm, and I’ll have to hide my face because

who wants to stutter in front of their crush?

[depressedoptimistic13]

I’m head over heads for you.

[depressedoptimistic13]

I feel it burrowing into every bone on my ribcage. I feel it in a dull ache, deep in my diaphragm. My lungs are heavy with longing; heart is beating but it’s alone and I miss your harmony.

My soul yearns to rest near yours, in life and in death.

[depressedoptimistic13]

I love you

[depressedoptimistic13]

You are my definition of the word ‘romantic’

[depressedoptimistic13]

Getting a job has been hard, it’s been a year since I’ve held one. I used to work all the time, taking long shifts everyday just to get away from home and stay busy.

Now, I don’t want to leave home. It’s comfortable, and safe, and smells like you. I feel sad when I have to leave.

I feel lazy, and ungrateful. But I want to work hard, I want to go to work, and earn money, and contribute towards our goals and future. I don’t think it’ll happen, but I’m still scared I’ll fall back into that mode and be gone all the time.

I love you. I’m trying to do everything I can to be better. Thank you for all you do for me; thank you for your patience.

[depressedoptimistic13]

I’m engaged to the love of my life <3333

[depressedoptimistic13]

There was a spider that crawled across his arm, which was wrapped around mine. I’m terribly afraid of spiders. He said don’t move, and smacked my leg. He missed.

He winced, and hit the blanket again, hitting my leg as well. This time he got it, but it twitched and kept moving. He hit it again and again, and it finally stopped.

I had taken a deep breath, as he got up to get rid of it. I didn’t freak out, my heart had jumped, sure, but I had held surprisingly still and I didn’t feel a need to run and shower, to wash everything on or around me. He had taken care of it.

He had taken care of me.

[depressedoptimistic13]

We danced in the kitchen again <3

[depressedoptimistic13]

The other night, you were laying next to me, gently snoring. I was turned on my side, away from you for fear of waking you with my tossing and turning.

You suddenly scooped me up, your arms wrapping around me, and pulled me into your chest. I was asleep nearly instantly.

[depressedoptimistic13]

As I finally fell asleep last night, I had my hand near your shoulder. I was slipping into a dream, the world becoming fuzzy and soft around me.

I felt you stir.

As you did, you took my hand in yours, and I felt your lips brush my knuckles and fingertips.

I smiled, and the last thing I thought before I fell asleep was how much I loved you.

[depressedoptimistic13]

I’m the kind of person who would’ve started cave drawings, just to fill the blank space on the walls.

[depressedoptimistic13]

You don’t quite know what you do to me, and I don’t think there’s a perfect way to describe it either.

I’m hard to catch but I love easily. I’m stubborn and indecisive. I pride myself in being independent and I’ve always had to step into a more masculine role. I’m quiet and I keep to myself, because I know I can get too loud sometimes. I talk and talk, and I bullshit a lot. I lie a little too much and I don’t like to deal with the hard stuff. I’m insecure about my body and sexuality, and I find it difficult to explain the mess of strings in my mind. I’ve wanted to die most of my life.

But from the moment we spoke, I felt like I finally understood the word ‘home’.

I feel safe and comfortable around you. I feel heard and seen, even when I’m hiding in an oversized hoodie buried under a pile of blankets and staying as quiet and still as possible.

I gushed over the idea of making a move, practicing scenarios in my head and with my friends. I wore a slightly revealing outfit, not because I wanted to flaunt or reel you in that way, but because I felt confident and sexy. I felt approachable and relaxed.

It’s almost easy to step into my feminine side now, to wear whatever I want and to hold your hand and feel protected. I can be emotional and I know you won’t run away just because I’m crying over something small, or when I’m getting tense and angry over something infuriating to me.

I’m honest, and I’m willing to talk about difficult or uncomfortable things. I’m remembering more and more of the roughest spots in my life as well as working through them, because I don’t have to worry about being hurt anymore.

My god, I even feel beautiful sometimes, and I don’t flinch when I look in the mirror.

You’ve made me afraid of death, afraid that I’ll miss out on something wonderful with you.

I want to spend the rest of my life with you, and I’m afraid that that still might not be enough.

You haven’t changed me, but you’ve helped me transform into something better. Someone better.

I love you.

[depressedoptimistic13]

Holy hell, you are a deep sleeper

[depressedoptimistic13]

Damn. Y’all, I really got lucky. I found the golden retriever to my black cat 🫶

[depressedoptimistic13]

Oh my god, your voice is the loveliest sound in the world.

Your raspy deep voice in the morning, the slurred, slow speech late at night. The excitement and energy that you speak with and the soft and gentle tones you use.

And the singing. My god, the singing. I want to hear every song in the world if you’re singing to it.

[depressedoptimistic13]

“Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go unwitnessed, because I will be your witness.”