depressionrants

[depressionrants]

Just Stressed

Ok folks this is a long story so buckle up your seat belts and get ready for the ride. I would also like to say that this is told from my point of view so of course I am going to be biased but I will do my best to keep my emotions out of it to give you the best picture of this scenario I can (though i will insert sarcastic comments or side notes like this on occasion)

So this all started my freshman year of university. When I started I knew two people at my university but that changed rather quickly as I was a part of the marching band and as any band kid knows your section in band basically becomes your family whether you like it or not. I am a fairly shy individual and normally kept to myself but found it easy to make friends in the band because we all generally had similar interests. During band camp I found out that one of the girls in my section also lived right down the hall from me ( co-ed residence halls are pretty common around where I live). I would also like to mention that band camp is the entire week before classes start so campus was fairly deserted. Now of course since we were all still fairly busy we only spoke on occasion but it always seemed to be a pleasant conversation, I’ll refer to her as Amanda.

Now take a quick jump to next week when classes start. Syllabus week at my university , like many, is a fairly easy week, very few teachers actually start teaching and even fewer give homework so I didn’t pay too much attention in those classes and just focused on getting settled into my dorm and getting to know my roommate. During the second week of classes I started to notice some of the people I had met in band were in the same classes as me which was pretty cool but I had a majority of the same classes with Amanda, it turns out we had the same major and were taking a lot of the same classes. So of course Amanda and I started hanging out (she was incredibly smart and really good at the classes, I was not) After some time Amanda and I were hanging out almost daily either at my dorm or hers, so much so that my roommate would just let her into my room if I wasn’t there (suite style dorms, separate bedrooms but shared kitchenette and bathroom my bedroom door was usually unlocked) I of course didn’t mind this Amanda usually needed to print something and our library was a long walk a way so she would just use my printer or she would want to get away from her roommate. We ended up hanging out almost every day for the entire year and I was invited to her home a couple of times to meet her family.

Fast forward to the summer, I got a job making some decent money working in a warehouse a couple hours from my hometown and I was staying with some family that lived close to the warehouse. I found out that Amanda lived fairly close to where I was staying for that summer. Amanda and I would hang out about once a week while we tried to juggle work and summer classes but it still worked out fairly well. Also during this time I had decided to move in with a guy that I’ll call Michael for story telling purposes and his friend Adam. We met up a couple of times to decide who needed to bring what to the apartment and decide on any rules and that sort of thing. Michael and I became friends through a friend of a friend situation (very long story, different day) but anyways Michael introduced me to Adam and we all got along pretty well despite having different hobbies.

Jumping forward again to the start of the fall semester, I moved into an apartment with Adam and Michael and things seemed to be going pretty good. I had changed my major so I didn’t have any classes with Amanda any more but she was living in a different residence hall that was right down the road from my apartment. My new major didn’t have as many classes and we generally a good bit easier so I had more free time than what I had grown used to. Michael, Adam and I would usually grab dinner together or watch a movie or something to hang out and things were going pretty good at the apartment. Amanda was constantly busy with classes so I would go to her dorm and keep her company while she did her homework. Usually my keeping her company consisted of playing on my phone or listening to music while she worked or studied and occasionally listened to her rant (I like to think I’m a good listener) and of course Amanda would occasionally come over to the apartment to do homework (Use my printer) and just hang out. It was at this point that I started develop a little bit of a crush on Amanda.

Now, for some reference here, I have been in this situation before where I have been friends with a girl for a while and I develop a crush. What ended up happening in the past is that it eventually comes out that I have a crush, the person doesn’t feel the same way, and said person talks to me less and less until they have stopped talking to me and hanging out with me altogether. What sucks most when this happens is that by the time I develop a crush on anyone they are already a close friend and are in one of my inner circles that very few people ever become a part of. So when whoever the person is stops talking to me I really have lost one of my closest friends and I won’t lie, it hurts.

Getting back to the story now, I am hanging out with Amanda nearly every night and we were getting fairly close. I have made a personal decision that even though I have a crush on Amanda I am not going to try and date her or anything like that just because she is a good friend and I enjoy hanging out with her as things were. There were also plenty of amazing women at my university so to me it was no big deal. So Amanda and I continue to hang out and everything seems to be going great, of course we are both stressed from college and other things but that’s just college life for you.

Now dear reader is the beginning of when shit started to get good, and then very bad (for me at least). Over winter break Amanda and I were texting fairly constantly or we would stay on a phone call for a couple hours. In the evening we would Skype for hours, both of us doing our own thing and not talking too much but just enjoying each others company. During one of our many conversations we got on the topic of crushes and relationships. Of course the question comes up if I have a crush on anyone.

Sorry to interject again but this is more important information. I hate lying. I don’t like lying to other people and I especially don’t like being lied to. I could make another equally long post about how much I hate lying and why but that’s a different day. For now I will leave it that all of my friends know I hate lying and I have told every single one of them that I can’t be mad at them for telling me the truth. I might be mad for a few minutes or maybe even an hour but at the end of the day it doesn’t matter because they were respectful enough to tell me the truth. On the flip side if they lie to me and I find out I will be far more upset than I ever would have been if they had just told me the truth in the first place. That being said I can also forgive very easily, a meaningful apology and a hug and it’s like I was never angry. But I’m rambling.

Back to the story (again) Amanda asked me if I had a crush on anyone and I of course chose to tell her the truth. I forget the exact wording of the text but I remember what it consisted of. The text was something along the lines of “yes, I actually have a little bit of a crush on you. I’m pretty sure you don’t feel the same about me though and I completely understand that, I just never said anything because we are really good friends and I didn’t want to mess anything up” (yes I am actually like this, I’m not some “white knight” or some shit and I’m not making it up. I’ve just been through enough crap that I don’t get my hoped about anything and I never want to upset people though I fail at that often) so I send the message and prepare myself for the “I just don’t feel the same way about you etc...” and the eventual time where they start talking to me. My phone buzzes and I steel my nerves to read the response I know is coming I open the text and I read“ Peyton... I like you too.” Well then.... that’s....that’s not at all what I expected... huh. So I reply with my infinite wisdom “wait... really?” to which she responds with yes really... well its safe to say I am pretty dumbstruck at this point, this is not a common thing for me. So after a little more conversation and once I had managed to comprehend what had happened we agreed to keep everything light and talk more when we got back to our university. So we kept talking and the more we talked the longer the phone conversations and skype calls became. Now my dear reader you may be saying ��� I thought you said this is where things started to go bad?” just hang on a minute, that part is coming.

So take another quick jump and it’s the day before classes start in the spring semester and Amanda, Michael, Adam and I all decided to go grab dinner at the dining hall. Adam and Michael have met Amanda on a number of occasions and they enjoy hanging out with her because she is just a chill person to have around. So we went to the dining hall and we are all joking around and poking a little bit of fun at each other without really meaning anything hurtful by it. This is where Amanda really started to take a lot more jabs at me than usual and the jokes were a little more personal than usual, I brushed it off as both of us just being a little awkward about everything and assumed everything would go back to normal before too long. That night Amanda and I are in her dorm getting ready for classes that start tomorrow, it was a lot of the usual stuff, joking around and she occasionally getting frustrated about something or someone and me listening to her rants then trying to lighten the mood. I had decided I wasn’t going to try to “make a move” for lack of better terms that night because we were both stressed about classes and still just a little awkward about the whole situation. The next day we go to eat at the dining commons again, I’m running a little late because I had no idea how to get to the dining hall from one of my classes (building I’ve never been in before or since then) so when I walked in Amanda was already sitting with Michael and Adam. We resume our normal joking but Amanda starts getting a lot more personal with her jokes than the night before and some of the jokes aimed at me were just borderline cruel. Again, I do my best to brush everything off and laugh at myself. That night was the same as the night before but Amanda wasn’t talking to me as much and when she did she seemed very distant, as if she wasn’t interested in what was going on. I make it a point to ask her to lay off just a little because some of the jokes she made about me were a little too cruel, she said she jokes around like that a lot and that she didn’t mean anything by it. The next day Amanda is still taking jabs at me though they weren’t as mean as the ones she made the night before.

Tuesdays and Thursdays were my stressful days that semester because that is where about 80% of my classes ended up on my schedule, we get to dinner that night and I’m more than a little drained from the stress of the day and not in the greatest of moods, but I put on a smile and do my best to be in a good mood for when I meet everyone for dinner. After I get there (a little late again) and the normal joking ensues Amanda starts making jokes aimed at me that are really cruel, so much so that Adam and Michael were uncomfortable and sat in silence for most of the dinner. I opted to not go to Amanda’s that night but instead text her a simple question “Amanda, do you like me or not?” I knew what the answer would be but I was hoping that I would be wrong again. I get Amanda’s reply and it’s exactly as I expected “I thought I did but it turns out I don’t in sorry I didn’t tell you I just didn’t want to hurt your feelings” (remember that thing I said about lying? Hiding the truth is almost as bad as flat-out lying) so in another moment of my infinite wisdom I ask a question I really do not want to know the answer to “when did you know you didn’t like me in that way” Amanda’s response was something along the lines if she knew it as soon as she told me she did like me and that she wanted to like me but she just couldn’t force herself to. I tell her that I wish she had just told me as soon as she realized it, it would’ve saved the both of us a lot of time and unnecessary stress. She says she knows but she just wanted to protect my feelings, so I tell her that it’s fine I’m upset but not with her, I told her I was just going to go for a walk to get some fresh air and clear my head ( I have always done this, it reminds me of all my days camping and something about the night atmosphere is very calming to me. She says ok and just asks me to be safe, I promise her I will and head out.

As I often do out on my walks I turned off my phone so I didn’t have any distractions and proceeded to wander around campus and take in the sights. Unbeknownst to me Amanda is texting Michael asking if I am ok and if he knows where I am (I make it a habit to tell my roommates where I’m going if I go out on a walk so if something were to happen they know where to start looking) Amanda is very worried so Michael offers to pick her up and bring her over to our apartment until I get back to which she agrees. I came back about an hour and a half later because it was just a little too chilly out for my taste, surprised to see Amanda there but not upset. She and I talk a little more and agree that it would be best to just give me some time to get my thoughts together and clear my head and then I’ll be as good as new. Michael offers to drive Amanda back so that things won’t be awkward, I say my goodby and they head out. I decided to wait for Michael to get back to thank him for helping me out and for being understanding but the thing is... he didn’t come back that night. I eventually decide to turn in because it is late and even though I don’t have class until noon tomorrow I’d like to get up early and make myself some breakfast.

I wake up decently early the next morning and after a quick shower I go start making myself some coffee and something to eat. I’m sure you can imagine my surprise and confusion when Michael and Amanda walked in the front door, Michael still in the same clothes from the previous night, neither of them look at me and make a beeline to Michael’s room. I have many suspicions at this point but I try to put them aside and I head to my class. When I get back Adam is in the living room and I ask if he had seen Michael, he said that Michael was in his room and that Amanda was also in there. So I send Michael a text and ask if I can talk to him for a second if he isn’t too busy. Michael comes out and I ask him what’s going on.

Michael tells me that he took Amanda home and they were talking and at some point during their conversation Amanda said she liked him. Michael wasn’t too pleased with this at first and asked about me (god bless him) and said it’s kind of crappy with the whole way she is handling this situation. She agrees and they talk for several hours and finally they both agree they need to go to bed and Amanda offers to let Michael stay with her for the night. Michael said he was hesitant at first but eventually agreed, but he assured me nothing happened between them that night. We talked a little bit more about everything and I just thanked him for telling me the truth about it, I then asked if I could talk to Amanda as well because there were some things I wanted to figure out. Michael says she was taking a nap in his bed before he and I started talking but he’d see if she was awake and if she was he’d let her I know I wanted to talk. I thank him again and he headed back to his room.

Amanda comes and knocks on my door and I just ask her to tell me what was going on, she tells me a much more abbreviated version of what Michael had already told me and she also assured me they didn’t do anything that night (idk why people think I care about that so much, I’m a cuddler and a hugger and I always have been) I tell her I am upset because this could have been handled in so many better ways and everything would be fine right now, Amanda agreed and said she didn’t want to mess anything up between the two of us because she really liked hanging out with my roommates and didn’t want anything to happen so she couldn’t hang out with all of us (aka she didn’t want me mad at her so she couldn’t hang out with Michael and Adam, sorry I’ll try to stop inserting these comments) so I tell her I won’t make it awkward, I do however tell her about a few of the past times this has happened to me and make it clear that I did not want that to happen, that I was fine if she and Michael liked each other or if they dated because I am her friend and I want her to be happy, I just don’t want to be left behind and forgotten about she assures me she isn’t like the other people that have done that to me and seemed somewhat upset that people would treat other like that.

Now it’s time for the really interesting stuff. So after all this went down, I withdrew into myself a little bit, partly because of stress from classes and starting a new job and partly from that situation. Eventually I started going to therapy where I was diagnosed with a severe case of Generalized Anxiety Disorder and a mood case of depression, I explained what was going on to my roommates and Amanda and they were very supportive. After a couple weeks Michael and Adam started talking to me less and less and I rarely spoke to Amanda, things didn’t get better either, the three of them were always hanging out and making plans right in front of me while still excluding me from the plan.

When I noticed this happen my depression took a turn for the worse and my therapist highly suggested (practically mandated) that I start exercising to help pull me out of the downward spiral I was in. So I started hitting the gym every night and used it as a place to get all my frustrations out and to get away from the apartment when I needed to because at this point I felt like a stranger in my own home. I also started a really small Instagram page where I could rant a little whenever I got frustrated and needed to get done things off my chest. One day while at the gym Amanda walks in and demands that we talk (it was the fun for my apartment complex, it is rare to find people in there at night even though it is well stocked) so I set my weights down and give her my full attention. Amanda starts yelling at me about how I shouldn’t be posting about her online, yells at me that she isn’t a hypocrite and that she never stabbed me in the back and wrapped the whole thing up with if I have a problem with her I should say it to her face and not post about it online. By now my lovely reader if you are confused don’t worry, I was too. For one I allowed about 5 people to follow my finsta and Amanda nor my roommates were among the people allowed to follow said page. Second, I never put any names in my rants and there want a single post on my page that referred to her and her alone. So I tell Amanda these things and she shows me screenshots she got from a friend of my finsta page and of some of my posts (that “friend” was blocked from my page very soon afte that) and after I see what posts she is talking about I explain the her who those posts were actually referring to, she does not believe me one bit and starts to yell at me again (that’s fine, it’s not like I went on a rant about how much I hate lying or anything) but I quickly stop her and pull up text messages between the person that had stabbed me in the back and I and told her the story of what happened (I stuck my neck out to defend someone and the person I defended immediately started talking crap about me to all of her friends) so Amanda apologizes for assuming and asks me why I’ve been very short and cold with her and my roommates recently. I again decide to tell the truth and tell her how I’ve felt like a stranger in my own apartment and how terrible it is to have plans made right in front of you with people you used to hang out with and not be invited. Amanda says that they never intended to make me feel that way and said she was sorry but that she didn’t want to give me a hug because of how sweaty I was (leg day, I don’t blame her) so we talk a little more and I finish my workout.

And for the next week or two they included me in their plans, we all joked around and hung out and everything felt great, just like old times. My therapist even noticed the change in my mood and agreed that hanging out with them was helping me out a lot more than she had anticipated. (of course I had been hanging out with other friends too but it’s weird not hanging out with the people you live with and see every single day, especially if you used to hang out with them a lot) but after those two weeks things started to slip back and I was being left out again and being treated like a stranger in my own home.

So let’s jump forward one more time to present day (this is a fun one folks). Whenever Amanda is frustrated with Adam or Michael she takes her frustrations out on me because I don’t argue and I generally don’t fight back (not a physical fight) Michael frustrates her because he wants to spend most of his time doing his hobbies and she feels like he should pay more attention to her. How do I know this you ask? Because she has recently started ranting to me about how much of an ass Michael is whenever she is upset with him and tells me all about what he does that pisses her off, I sit there as I have always done and listen without saying a word. Recently I started an Instagram page for a small business I am starting up and I posted some ideas for a logo for the company so people could tell me which one they liked the best. Michael and Adam started a YouTube channel together whenever we first moved into our apartment and even though it’s about one of their hobbies I never quite understood I still try to support them because they love to do it. Now going back to the logo thing, one of the logo ideas I posted looked similar to one of the several logos that Michael and Adam use for their YouTube channel, they tell me they don’t have a problem because the logo for my business is still different enough and since it is advertising for something completely different that it doesn’t matter at all. Amanda however decided she had a huge problem with this (right after I listened to her rant about Michael for an hour straight) and decided to blow up the comments section of my post attacks on my business and on me personally (“if you have a problem with me you should say it to my face, don’t post about it online” “I’m not a hypocrite”) so I delete the comments and block her from my business page. So that’s the point in at now, I could do nothing and Amanda will get mad at me for something, she and my roommates are still leaving me out of ALL of their plans despite me inviting them anytime I’m making plans, and after being mad at me Amanda taking to me just like old times when she is frustrated with Michael or when Michael and Adam are both busy and she needs someone to talk to.

So that really wraps it up, I’m sure there are a few specific times she was mad at me here and there that would be fun to tell but I just needed somewhere to get all of this off my chest. And if one of you had read through this whole thing I just want to say thank you, I don’t to make Amanda out to be a horrible person because I am biased and she is going to have her own version of this story so take everything you read with a grain of salt. Thank you again for reading this if you made it all the through and I just hope you have a good day 😁