depressologs - Tumblr blog

[depressologs]

I'm definitely slipping. spiraling. whatever.

I really feel like I shouldn't be. Parts of my life are starting to turn around.

Was I so far under that now that I have some buoys I can feel the current again?

I gotta break my reliance on some things. on some people.

I'm remembering that I might not ever be happy.

I just want stability. Internally driven stability.

I have tried relying on others and have found that I can't anymore. Not through a fault of theirs or anything. I might just be too loosely cobbled together to lean on others without crumbling around them.

[depressologs]

I put myself through hell perfectly fine on my own, would be nice if people didn't try to help get me there

[depressologs]

feeling like I'm nobody's priority

not even my own really

I'm definitely holding myself back for someone else's sake

i need to focus on me more in the new year

i wanna figure out how to move to a new city. i want to be closer to the people who will put in the effort

but i also want the experience so i can move far away from here eventually.

i want to start over, but i can't with so much past around me

[depressologs]

Right now I feel like my happiness relies simultaneously on keeping her in my life and trying to distance myself.

I don't know what to do.

The one person I feel like I can trust and confide in is also the source of all this pain. I'm the one hurting myself here too. I would be punishing her for my feelings.

I can't do that.

Why can't I turn it off anymore?

[depressologs]

not ok

[depressologs]

God, writing all that out really helped me process some of the things that have been gnawing at my mental health. Not all of them, and I'm by no means released from it. But I'm far less on edge than I have been recently.

Marinated in the fantasy a little too long there I think.

[depressologs]

Dear You,

I'm writing this with the intent that you'll never read it. I know I can't say these things to you face-to-face either, I just need this out of my head before it eats me alive.

I love you. That's it. You're it. You're everything I could ever want. And you're out of my reach. Out of my league really. I never really believed I had a shot, but I routinely delude myself into thinking it's possible, only to get smacked back down to reality.

I made sure I was right about how I felt too. I'd been crushing for a long time, and I was afraid I had put you on a pedestal. Turns out I hadn't, and I had actually underestimated how amazing you are and how exactly you were what I wanted in my life. One of the recent times we hung out it just sort of locked into place, I realized I could and wanted to do stuff like that with you forever. Since then every time we hang out I struggle with leaving. When I'm finally alone I can exhale. I spend my drive home beating myself up, replaying everything I said and did, as if there was some change I could have made in order to stay with you just a little bit longer.

I offer a lot of myself up for you, and you take very little. I focus too much on you, and not enough on myself or other people. I know you don't have interest in a romantic relationship with me, but some days it's all I can think about. How do I make it happen, or what it might look like. It's all fantasy, or delusion. Every reality check I receive comes in like a gut punch, sometimes it starts a spiral. Writing this all out was inspired by one. You're not doing anything wrong though, I'm doing this all to myself. I can't even take a break from you to try and drop the feelings, not that I want to. I'd have to explain, and I just can't. After you had a falling out with someone else, I knew I could never even begin to address it. And we've gotten even closer, as friends, since then. If I want you to be a permanent and consistent part of my life, how am I ever going to tell you something that I think will cause a rift? So instead I'll just suffer.

I feel like you probably know how I feel about you too. There's no way you're blind to it, but you might be trying to ignore it in the hopes the feelings go away. You avoid giving me details about some things, almost as if you know they'll hurt me. They usually do. That's not you hurting me though, that's me hurting myself. I worry too that I'm going to lose you soon. That you'll get your opportunity to leave and take it, and that it'll be the last time I see you. And if I don't tell you how I feel before that happens I never will, but also I cannot ever tell you for fear of losing you earlier than I was already going to.

I'm probably not done writing this, but I also need to be. I won't lie, it sucks that you're probably the one person I'm close enough with and comfortable enough with to talk about these problems with, because they involve you. I feel like I can't turn anywhere else about this, but I definitely can't bring it to you either. Hell I'm being vague in a post to a zero follower account just in case.

At the end of all of this though, we're friends. We were before I fell for you, we will be long after I figure out how to let it go, if I ever do. I love you like I've never loved anyone before, and really I want you to be happy. I just wish I was a bigger part of that. I wish I got to be happy too, with you.

Never blame yourself for how I feel on this. You did nothing but be yourself. I'm the idiot who decided he needed you. C'est la vie and all that.

[depressologs]

make it stop

stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop

[depressologs]

"What did i do" is not a healthy reaction to this, but it's my reaction regardless

I can recognize that it's ridiculous to think like that

But I still think like that

Clearly an issue I need to work through

I guess I'm being forced to, accidentally

[depressologs]

i could really do without the obsession. the overthinking.

if i didn't tie so much of myself to her this would be whatever

but it feels like im hollow instead

[depressologs]

the friction

it hurts less than it used to. or rather for less time

rather than a mile of sandpaper it's a yard of broken glass. same hurt, less duration

i know i don't get to have this, but it would be nice to not slip into the fantasy so far and often

the reality is a little unpleasant but im doing myself a disservice not living in it

but would i be able to motivate myself without it

im afraid of the day i have to face the reality

[depressologs]

setting myself up for a crash. for more bad.

it'd be nice if the fantasy i seem so desperate to live in were reality

at least i see it coming

[depressologs]

i am causing myself so much panic and anxiety

practicing conversations that won't happen

ill be upset when they don't

i wish feeling was easier

[depressologs]

stop. stop thinking it's happening.

you know it's not.

have fun but stop getting your hopes up.

move on.

please.

[depressologs]

overthinking

just chill

it's not that

[depressologs]

this is valid. it's ok. you're not wrong.

[depressologs]

leading yourself on again

danger danger