derekhalesjuicybuttocks - Tumblr blog

[derekhalesjuicybuttocks]

bus bros at disney (deep throating rainbow cake like bros do)

[derekhalesjuicybuttocks]

cursed concept: paul bettany as doflamingo

[derekhalesjuicybuttocks]

Just came across this on TikTok and I am going absolutely FERAL for the way he says “Target Down”

All credits to @mourningmold on TikTok

[derekhalesjuicybuttocks]

Me: *Gives dog squeaky toy*

Alien: “It sounds like it’s screaming when he chews on it.”

Me: “Yeah that’s why it’s his favorite toy”

Alien: “And you feel safe with him in your house?”

Me: “Yeah he’s a good boy.”

[derekhalesjuicybuttocks]

Humans, shown a plant with enough poison to kill any other sentient species: finally, some good fucking food

[derekhalesjuicybuttocks]

Crop Domestication

Humans have been selectively breeding and modifying crops for centuries, from apples to corn, shits wild. It creates the illusion of a plentiful planet, when in reality humans have, over thousands of years, dramatically altered the appearance and heartiness of these crops.

Now this could have an interesting effect in a haso universe, with aliens treating earth as a deathworld because of its wildlife and environment, but entirely disregard the fact that some native plants are hostile for the fact that we have such convenient crop foods!

No, we made those. Everything hates us.

Human: you all seem so fascinated by our wildlife, it's like you didn't even notice the murder plants!

Alien: well it seemed well balanced by the planet's generous flora

Human:

Alien:

Human:

Alien: What??!

Human: did you think corn was naturally that big??????

Alien: fuck's that mean?

[derekhalesjuicybuttocks]

Humans are persistance predators.

Beyond the obvious alarming consequences of this, it also causes them to be prone to holding "grudges" against those they feel have slighted them.

A most unexpected consequence of this, in turn, is their habit of becoming competative against inanimate objects.

In the event you find your human fighting with or declaring war against an object (can opener, computer programme, keys, jar, so on) or referring to a struggle with it as "personal now" do not be alarmed. The human has not lost what little sanity their species posess.

[derekhalesjuicybuttocks]

Humans are space orcs:

Running from the monsters in the dark:

The crew had settled down in the crew quarters and human-Mary was standing by the lights. After she turned them off, Mary quickly dashed towards her bunk and dove under the covers.

“Go Mary go! It’s gonna get ya!” Human-Jack jeered.

Mary smacked him with a pillow in retaliation. “Shut up, everyone runs from the monster.”

“Monsters? Is there an intruder on the ship?” Cariph (a Small Furred species from the planet Orion) was getting ready to hit the emergency alarm.

“What? Oh no, no. Cariph there are no intruders. It’s just a…a myth or superstition.” Mary looked to the other humans for help, and Jack took over the explanation.

“Basically when humans are little, we all believed that there are monsters that can only get you in the dark. When you turn off the light, you have to run as fast as you can to get to your bed because it can protect you.”

“How can a bed protect you from a living being?” Cariph wondered.

“Well I mean those are the rules, the monsters can’t touch you once you are under the covers. And besides the monsters aren’t real, we just get a feeling that something is there, waiting in the dark to get us.”

“But wait… you said only small humans experience this, so why did Mary run?”

“Well… uh adult humans can get the feeling too. That something is there watching and waiting for you to let your guard down. You can tell yourself that it isn’t real, that it isn’t there, but your hair will still stand up, and your deeper consciousness is saying ‘something is there, something is there. Run.’”. The room descended into an eerie quiet as the rest of the crew digested this terrifying belief of humans.

“Well thanks man, I totally didn’t need to sleep tonight.” Human-Casey grumbled at Jack, causing the rest of the humans to laugh.

“Do you need a nightlight, Casey?”

“You know what, sure.”

“Oh I got some fairy lights” Mary offered. Her and Casey proceed to put these “fairy lights” up around the crew beds. After the room was alight with the small twinkling lights that according to Casey “protect us because the monsters cannot be touched by light, less they disappear.” The humans all went to sleep. The rest of the crew was left wondering why all the humans had the same experience. They wondered if something really was waiting in the dark, and the humans merely convinced themselves that it was fake. After all what would willingly hunt humans?

(Author’s note: Hope anyone who sees this enjoys!)

[derekhalesjuicybuttocks]

Aliens vs Human Instincts

Ahem. For the consideration of the Humans are Space Orcs/Oddities/Deathworlders/Australians I present: wound licking instinct.

Humans, and most mammals, are hardwired to lick their bleeding wounds because our saliva contains tissue factor - which helps clot blood - and the enzyme lysozyme (also found in tears) which helps prevent infection.

However, human saliva also contains a horrifying amount of dangerous bacteria, so it's anyone's guess whether they're going to prevent or cause an infection when they start licking up their own blood. Human saliva coated wounds have caused infections bad enough to cause amputations and deaths, historically speaking.

Now imagine you're an alien whose species does not have the wound licking instinct.

You're already scared out of your mind because you've run your limit and the human is still following you. You hit it with something sharp. It staggers, it's hand bleeds.

It reaches up and licks the blood off its hand. It consumes itself with bared teeth. It hasn't taken its eyes off you as it does this.

In the ensuing scuffle it bites you. Somehow you manage to escape. But the wound aches and burns and the infection nearly costs you your arm.

You see the human again later that day. It waves. There is no sign of death in its hand.

[derekhalesjuicybuttocks]

I see many posts in the Space Orcs tag depicting humans as super strong, oafish, barbarian types:

But consider: The Neanderthals spec'd into strength, but couldn't throw stuff. Homo Sapiens can throw stuff, but are not as strong. Since learning how to throw stuff, our warfare has essentially been a contest to see how far we can throw stuff at the enemy. From rocks, to spears, to bullets, to missiles, to one day lasers. Just about all cultures in the world hold accuracy in high regard. Some do appreciate raw strength, yes, but the weapons that ties us together are the spear and bow.

What if instead of giant hulking brutes, we are expert hunters/rangers? Rumor amongst the galaxy is that a Human can shoot the wings off a fly at one hundred meters. In the dark. With minimal training. What if that were uncommon for other species who evolved to rely on their strength, speed, or other senses, rather than the plain ability to hit something with a projectile?

XxX

Meet the Human. They are damn near impossible to kill. They can outlast just about anyone stamina-wise. They're not the strongest, nor the fastest, but don't ever corner one lest you witness the terror of adrenaline.

They can eat anything, adapt to just about any environment, speak just about any language.

When they pick their prey, it can try running, but it will only die out of breath.

It can try hiding, but the human will use clues left behind to track it to its hole.

And besides all that, they'll probably just ice you from a couple hundred yards and call it a day.

Meet the Human. Not a hulking barbarian, but a crafty, scrappy wastelander. The galaxy's most feared marksman.

(Now that we have that out of the way, I like to imagine that there's a hulking race of canines out there *cough*lycans*cough* that we're going to hit it off with the instant we show up on the galactic scene. They'll love us because we're not as breakable as the other species, and we give the best scritches. But also, we're stupidly aggressive for our size and they'll feel the need to protect us and absorb us into their packs. Then one day they'll read the history of earth dogs and just be like "oh.")

[derekhalesjuicybuttocks]

Alien crewmate: Everyone thinks you guys are so cute, but they forget you're venomous. Humans are something else.

Human: Fun fact we aren't technically venomous, we just have so much bacteria in our mouths that most human bites get infected.

Alien crewmate, horrified: I preferred when I thought you were venomous.

[derekhalesjuicybuttocks]

"This should do it." It looked down at itself, pleased.

The two - rather long - legs jut out under it's torso. It used it's new - ew - five fingers to feel along it's skin, feeling the bumps of a ribcage underneath. A heartbeat too.

In front of it was a mirror, and staring back at itself was a human. Well, an illusion of one.

Time and time again, the newly star bound aliens, humans, had infiltrated it's species ranks through elaborate disguises. They got better at it every time.

Not only were humans great with what they call "make up" but they had a way of mimicking their behaviors. It's species tried to replicate this. Failed to. In the end, they had something better.

A team of highly immoral scientists who were given boundless permission to try whatever the hell they wanted. And they went with genetic mutation.

It was a painful change, and slow. Agonizingly slow. But now, it was a super solider with one superpower. A shape-shifter.

And it was time to test it out.

It strolled out of the bathroom and into the eating area where various alien species were seated. Only one human - the unwitting test subject - was present.

If this could pass for normal conversation, this could pass for war.

It strolled right up to the other creature - a man who had not yet seen him - and sat down.

"I'm glad to see one other human on this station," it said.

The human non-committedly looked up. Only to jump with a start after taking it in.

"What are you?" he said.

"A human?" it said. If it's species could sweat, it would do so by now.

The man stared at it a moment. He turned to the alien on his right and pointed to his left.

"Forgive me if this question is batshit insane, but what do you see?"

"Two humans?" The alien had three eyes.

Her species' third eye was famous for detecting the most miniscule details and then committing it to subconscious memory. The rise and fall of a chest. The careful rythem of a human heart. How often - or little - a human blinks. Even human's make-up tricks couldn't bypass her species' extra form of security.

"So it is," said the man. She turned away and it found itself blinking quickly in relief. It cut that out when the human turned to it. "Sorry, I guess you're just real ugly."

"Ugh, rude." All humans are ugly.

He scooted in closer on the bench and leaned in towards it. It found itself leaning away, but couldn't help but notice the bead of sweat on the human's forehead and how the pupils were shrunken as far as they could.

"Wanna hear an old Earth tale?"

"I'm sure I know it." Was this a test?

"I doubt you know this one. My grandfather experienced it himself." He leaned away. It had stop itself from blinking too rapidly again. "This is about an Earth cryptid."

"Bigfoot?" it said, but nodded as if it already knew.

"Everyone knows Bigfoot," he laughed. "No, he was driving down a dark country road unlit by street lights. He didn't have his brights on - that's important to the story, you see - but heaven knows why."

Brights??? What are brights???

"Down the road an animal was crossing. A simple male deer with antlers. He couldn't see its body yet, but he was familiar with the eyes. They glowed as his car sped closer."

"He slowed as the deer became more apparent, and eventually came to a stop when the creature wouldn't move. By now, he could see the antlers, the four legs, the neck. Not in detail, mind you, but he could see it "

Other aliens in the room- not hearing this conversation - were trickling out of the room. There was no dramatic reason for this, they simply finished their lunch. The human, not paying any attention to his own lunch, continued the story.

"It's not uncommon for deer to freeze, especially when lights flood their eyes. So my grandfather gave it a moment to realize it should run. When seconds ticked by, he honked at it."

"There was something... off... about the deer. It looked every way like a deer, but the longer he stared, the longer that just didn't seem right."

"Was it a deer?" it said.

"It was not."

"What was it?"

"Not a deer."

The alien found itself frown at this in a perfectly human way.

"Time went on, and my grandfather decided to turn on the brights to try and see the creature better. And it was still... a deer... but not..."

It found its frown deepening.

"What's worse was it began to move. Similar to a deer, but all wrong. Like maybe its legs bent the wrong way. Or perhaps the legs were too long. It was every way like a deer, but it just was not."

"He drove home as soon as that not deer was out of his path. And yes, he found himself alive the next morning. But that encounter disturbed him, so he recounted it to everyone. And many people - especially in that town - could tell him their own stories."

"...okay?"

"Well, that story is funny. Probably a figment of his imagination, but it does reflect a very real human instinct."

This was another test. "Would this be something I know of?"

"It's called uncanny valley. It occurs to us when something looks human... but is not."

"Why?"

"Well, rumor has it that it was a instinct formed from a predator. Something that looked human but was not. A not human."

"A not human? Is this true?"

"No," he said. He laughed. "No, we most likely developed it for something a lot more practical. Corpses, you see. They carry a lot of bacteria, so we have a fear of them."

"...interesting."

"I have that very same feeling of you," he said. The room was empty besides the two. He reached for his bottle above his lunch tray.

"But I'm not a corpse?"

"You're about to be."

The human tossed down the bottle, effectively cracking off the bottom half and forming his weapon.

It shape-shifted as it scurried away to retreat from the very much human.

[derekhalesjuicybuttocks]

New Sentient Alien Meeting For The First Time: *growls*

Human:

Human: *snarls*

New Alien: *shook*

Crewmate Alien: I thought your species didn’t communicate in growls and snarls anymore?

Human: I ain’t about to be disrespected by someone acting a fool

[derekhalesjuicybuttocks]

Imagine an alien comes to visit and you go on a camping trip. Be it some adventure where you have to hike into the mountains to find an ancient relic or just as friends. You’re in America and you hear a blood curdling scream. The alien jumps up from the fire but you have to grab their hand and tell them to sit back down.

“SOMEONE NEEDS HELP! what are you doing?!”

They panic wondering why a human wouldn’t want to help a fellow human.

“It’s not human.”

They would be bewildered but ultimately trust you as this is your native planet and you likely know best.

You explain to them that it was likely a mountain lion. Another apex predator of the planet that can make human screams.

And depending if this was another part of the world some birds can call your name or mimic children/people cryin.

“Your planet is terrifying. How do you know the difference between your own and what wants to kill you?”

“Just do”

It’s part of our evolution. It’s why we fear the dark and monsters under our bed. We slept in trees once and predators roamed below. We can’t see in the dark but predators can. We may be super predators but we were once prey too.

Master list

[derekhalesjuicybuttocks]

Sixth Fucking Sense Apparently

So humans have a funky little sixth sense for when someone/thing is looking at us and honestly wtf.

So an alien spy is trying to get human info getting progressively more concerned when the human they're tailing keeps looking around and acting like they know the alien is there. Maybe it's an alien species renowned for stealth and no other sentient in the galaxy had ever been able to spot them so at this point they're double checking themselves and going insane.

At this point the human's figured shit out and so they lead the alien into a trap much to Sneaky McSneakfuck's dismay and confusion.

So eventually humans hold a press conference about the whole stalker and the galactic federation or whatever it would be called is like:

GF: How in the dick shitting fuck did you know they were there??

Human: felt them watching me.

Gf: felt them fucking What.

[derekhalesjuicybuttocks]

Space Orcs and the Myth of Harmless Prey Animals

Human, talking to Alien about a bully: So, what you're never going to fight back?

Alien: I am of a prey species, we are not capable of fighting back.

Human: So, what? You'd just stand there and let something eat you??

Alien, flapping its flipticles in helpless anxiety: What else can we do? We are not born with the ability to do harm. We are plant-eaters.

Human: What's that got to with it? The most dangerous animal on Earth is a herbivore and it's a bulletproof tank of pure bloodlust.

2nd Human, who was listening in: Also most herbivores can and will eat meat if they get the chance to scavange on smaller corpses.

[derekhalesjuicybuttocks]