dereks-kennel

[dereks-kennel]

Hey Derek,

Seems like you have a lot on your mind. With your father expecting you to take the reins of the family business, it's probably difficult to have so many expectations put on you. Just wanted to let you know, I'm here to offer a hand to help or an ear to listen. 🙂

I don’t need a therapist. I’ve got a mutt. And her infected wisdom tooth. In a jar on my desk .It rattles when I shake it. Very therapeutic.

That’s all the emotional support I need🦂

#MuttTherapy#ToothJarHealsAll#IFeelFineActually#FamilyBusinessMyAss#SupportSystemWithTeeth

[dereks-kennel]

Derek my car battery burned itself out can you buy me a new one. I’ll be your slave for a day…no…a week!

#desperatetimescallfordesperatemeasures

Sorry, Mutt applications are closed.I don’t do hangouts, chores, or desperation kink. Them’s the breaks 🦂

#TryAAA#NotYourSugarDaddy#MuttsOnly#BatteryDeadLikeYourChances

[dereks-kennel]

Samantha: “Name the caterpillar 🐛”

I still have no idea who Samantha is....But whatever, I'll call him Bob or something. He looks like a Bob.

🦂

#CaterpillarChronicles#BobTheMenace#IDontKnowSamantha#BugNamesAreHard#MuttWouldNameHimSomethingWeirdLikeClementine

[dereks-kennel]

What u think about plastic surgery

I hate that shit.I don’t like it. I don’t respect it. I don’t trust it.

#MuttWinsAgain#SurgeryWontFixThat#KeepYourKnifeOutOfMyFace

[dereks-kennel]

Hi, how are you? I was wondering if Mutt is a purebred dog or a stray. I'm using a translator, hahaha.

I'm asking because I love dogs and would put my life in danger to save one. It doesn't matter how big or small the dog is. You seem like a fun person. I'm not kidding, I mean it in a good way.

My mutt is my mutt lol, my little mongrel. She bit me earlier, proud of her ❤️And yeah, I am pretty amazing, aren’t I?

#MuttMoments#BittenAndBlessed#FeralAndMine#EarStillAttached#SheDoesntEvenFeelBad

[dereks-kennel]

derek !!!! im such a big fan !!!! how does it feel having infinite aura and money king

Honestly? It’s exhausting being this flawless all the time. But hey, someone’s gotta carry the crown. Thanks for the fan energy. Keep it coming!

#KingThings#AuraOnPoint#MoneyMoves#FlawlessButTired#StillGotMutt

[dereks-kennel]

Official Notice

To all followers and correspondents:

It has come to my attention that an unacceptable number of inquiries regarding the specifics of my genitalia continue to appear on this platform. This behavior is unprofessional, intrusive, and will no longer be tolerated.

Effective immediately, any individual who posts questions or comments about this subject will be permanently blocked without prior warning.

Please consider this your formal notice to cease and desist.

Respect the boundaries of this forum or face consequences.

Sincerely, Derek Goffard

[dereks-kennel]

Haha yeah, I keep that tooth in a jar. Shake it when I’m bored. It’s like my little stress ball, only grosser.

#ToothInAJar#StressReliefWeirdness#BoredomHabits#DontJudgeTheKing#MuttThinksImCreepy#IDontCare

Got my wisdom tooth out yesterday. It hurts, but I’m okay. Still really swollen though my mouth barely opens.

I’m just tired and rying to rest

Turns out the gum was infected… yeah, no wonder it hurt so much. And Derek… he kept the tooth. Like some trophy or whatever. Weird flex, but okay.

—Mutt 🐕

#WisdomToothGone #StillHealing #EverythingFeelsTender #QuietToday #DerekKeepsHovering #HeBroughtSoupAndDidntSayWhy

[dereks-kennel]

Samantha: “Here’s a caterpillar.”

Who the hell is Samantha, and geez, couldn’t even send the emoji?? What am I supposed to do with a text caterpillar? Eat it?? Frame it?? Raise it as my own?? Come back when it’s a butterfly or at least a GIF.

#IDontKnowHer#VisualLearner#MuttWouldveSentTheEmoji#LowEffortEnergy

[dereks-kennel]

Small pp energy.

No, you.

[dereks-kennel]

This’ll sound bad but what if like you had a wife. And she was an annoying chatterbox who wouldn’t stop yapping her mouth out, will you like idk take her to the desert and kill her? Just a theory also happy pride month >:3

Lmao no, I wouldn’t kill her. What am I, stupid? That’s a whole PR nightmare. You think I wanna sit through another eight-hour board meeting with legal breathing down my neck over a chatterbox in a shallow grave? Pass.

I’d just hang out with Mutt in the other room and lock the door. Noise-canceling headphones, problem solved. Emotional murder only.

#DamageControlIsHell#MuttPrivileges#HRWouldEatMeAlive#DeathByExhaustionNotExecution#StillHappyPrideIGuess

[dereks-kennel]

Would you let mutt peg you?

No, what the hell is wrong with you? She can’t even walk straight right now.

She’d never shut up about it. I’d hear “remember that time I split you open like a rotisserie chicken” every time I tried to win an argument.

This is a hierarchy, not a collaboration.

#AbsolutelyNot#WrongHoleBuddy#SheCantEvenStand#ICarryTheLeashRemember#MuttIsForPettingNotPegging

[dereks-kennel]

Hey there Derek sir! How would you say your day has fared thus far! Also, how’s Matt hehe

How’s my day? Same shit, different day. Dad’s over here pushing some stupid “Pride Collection” for the company like it’s gonna save his soul or whatever. Meanwhile, he beat the hell outta me when I was sixteen just ‘cause I thought a butler was hot. Yeah, real corporate ally over here.

Mutt’s still healing, soft as a damn marshmallow. I wanna squish her, but also don’t wanna get squished back >:/ Ugh, soft people are the worst.

And seriously, why the fuck do you care about that asshole? Go mind your own business before I spill my drink on your head.

#CorporateClownery#PrideParadeOrPrisonCell#MarshmallowMood#ButlerCrushDrama#DadIsAnAsshat#SipSipSpill#SoftPeopleSuck#NotYourBusinessBro#BoardroomBeatings#TooDrunkToCare

[dereks-kennel]

Happy Pride Month, From some guy who’s stuck in a closet thanks to a controlling asshole dad. So yeah, don’t expect a parade from me.

Mutt says happy Pride Month. She’s still healing right now, so spare me the drama.

Don’t make it a thing, just let it be.

[dereks-kennel]

Hey Derek want to ride my motorcycle? Mutt can come. I promise I won't take sharp turns or anything.....

Subject: Motorcycle Ride Invitation — Formal Response

No,Mutt is not allowed outside the house.

No exceptions. No sharp turns. No compromises.

Keep your offer. I’ll pass.

—D.G.

[dereks-kennel]

Yo big d!!!!! What's in the hizzay!!!!!!! Haha i don't know if you remember me but it's ya boy Jeff (el jefe) from business school!!!!! We dumped peanut dust in Sarah Pullman's bag when we found out she was allergic lmao. haven't heard from her since come to think of it.

Anywho ya boy has been crushin it fr. Got this big idea when I heard you had yourself a mutt? I ask the deep questions. The ones no one else thinks of. Like what if you had a dog but you wanted to know where it came from. I'm talkin that real ancestry.com typa shit but for dogs ya feel me? I just need you to front ya boy a couple 10 G's for this killer investment strategy. I put that money into a variable returns office aka a casino and triple it!!!!!! might need a lil more than 20k now that I think about it cuz I'm already in the hole with this strategy and my folks cut me off (couple a assholes with no faith in the process). So if you get that money to me quick like I feel we can make some mucho dinero (Spanish for lots of money). Thanks much!!! Laterz!!!!!!!!!!!!!

P.S. little birdie told me you go on hunting trips now? Thats cool af. Never knew you were the outdoorsy type. Hit ya boy up when you goin next an I'll be there!!!! My name a Jeff!!! Hahaha it's still funny catch u later!!!!!!!

YO JEFFFFFFF!!!!!!! My main man!!!! EL JEFE HIMSELF!!!!!! Damn, how could I forget peanut-dust Pullman?? Classic. Allergies are a scam anyway. Hope she’s doing well (or not, lol, who cares).

Bro. This idea??? DOG ANCESTRY DOT COM?? You’re thinking like a visionary. You’re asking the real questions. I see the hustle. I feel the grind.....I respect the ambition......

But unfortunately~

NO MONEY FOR YOU, LOSERRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!

LMAO. Go crawl back to your “variable returns office” and tell the blackjack table I said hi. I’m not your dad. I don’t do handouts. Mutt gets everything. You get ✨nothing✨.

Good luck with the hole, buddy!! And yeah, I hunt. "Animals" and peace of mind. You wouldn't last a day, Jeff. You’d cry in the sand. But hey, fun catching up!! Stay delusional.

[dereks-kennel]

Please, Derek. I want you to ravage me with your big large juicy thick cock. I want you so bad. Can you point a gun at my head when you do it?

Next time, come off anon, and no. Leave me alone.

This is Mutt’s only. You don’t get that kind of attention :P