dereks-kennel

[dereks-kennel]

I am under your bed, Derek. Get rekt.

Oh, and by the way, sleep with 2 eyes open.

oh sure and I’m the king of england. try again little anon also bold of you to assume i sleep mutts under there too btw hope you like being bitten

#underbedcore#biteback#sleepisforcowards#rektlol#muttwins

[dereks-kennel]

Hey bud!

Don't have a ton of time to talk I'm on text to speech right now. Just wanted to check in and see how you were doing. K is here and he's asking me about the last hunting trip.

Have you seen the dunes?

Because you might have seen us dune your mom hahahahahahaha

You fuckin got him K. Anyway see you at the next hunting trip. Can't wait to see the latest kill you buy! Hahahahahaha

I'm gonna do it I'm gonna do it it'll be funny Jase no stop he'll think it's weird if you put that I'm doing it you can't stop me

🦎❤️🐉

Love K and D

you two were never this nice to me when you were alive?? also. minor detail. you're dead. My mutt killed you in a cave. remember?? what the fuckkk 😐

#theyre texting from the underworld apparently#you got dune-d by my feral Mutt sit down#ghostposting#the group chat in hell is just this 24/7#i need new friends but all the alive ones keep leaving. wonder why.

[dereks-kennel]

You're such an asshole but so beautiful.

All part of the charm. Mutt agrees with me, don’t let her fool you, she loves it too.

#CharmingAF #AssholeWithStyle #MuttApproves #DontTellHerIDidntSay #BeautyAndTheBeast #DealWithIt #CockyAndCuddly

[dereks-kennel]

To whom it may concern,

We hope this message finds you well. I represent my associates who are employed at Spotless Service Enterprise, the company contracted to perform routine cleaning at your domicile. We received several anonymous tips about bizarre occurrences that happened during working hours. The complaints listed are as follows:

As an employee was mopping the floor, one of the residents followed them around the room, dropping handfuls of German chocolate cake on each finished section of floor saying, "You missed a spot," repeatedly.

Numerous alarming sightings of what appeared to be red food coloring staining the domicile's moulding.

As of writing this, 37 pocket knives, machetes, and other blades have been discovered laying haphazardly and unsafely around the premises.

Pounding, wailing, and sobbing heard in a locked room in the residence throughout all working hours and well past them (the door for the room was padlocked from the outside).

Four workplace "accidents" have occurred from our staff falling down the stairs resulting in, but not limited to, one concussion, a cracked femur, a broken radius, and two fractured ribs (obviously, this is much higher than our company-wide average, and we have had to compensate with extended safety seminars, exhausting HR's resources).

We at Spotless Service Enterprise would like to humbly request you examine the complaints above and resolve them accordingly. Otherwise if you would like the names of the employees who submitted these complaints so you may properly 'contextualize' these issues, simply respond to this message with the amount written after the signature 🙂

As always, we thank you for your continued business.

Subject: RE: Workplace Concerns at Goffard Estate

To whom it may concern,

Thank you for your note.

Please be assured that I take all matters of health, safety, and general housekeeping very seriously. That said, I do believe some of the issues you've raised may be exaggerated or creatively interpreted by individuals with an overactive sense of drama and, frankly, a poor grasp of boundaries.

For clarity:

The German chocolate cake was a birthday gift. I regret that the recipient celebrated in a mobile fashion.

The red coloring was indeed food-related. We're currently testing new recipes. Artistic expression is not a crime.

The blades are heirlooms. Displayed, not abandoned.

The locked room in question is a storage space. The wailing may have been the wind. Or a playlist.

As for the stair incidents, I'm told most occurred while staff were looking at their phones. We discourage that.

That said, I understand your position and do appreciate the delicacy with which you’ve handled this. If you'd like to escalate the matter, please do respond with the exact amount after your signature. I will see to it the situation is handled... personally.

Warm regards, Derek Goffard Goffard Estate Holdings

P.S. Consider rotating your staff more frequently. Some of them seem a little too curious.

[dereks-kennel]

‎ ◞　◟ "Mark my words, Boy. Your little fiasco at the auction will not be forgotten, as i have contact with your father over his wee indulgement in the occassional stream. I am no hag."

Subject: Discretion and Prior Arrangements

Miss Lede,

As you know, we prefer to keep matters regarding the auction private. I'm sure I don’t need to remind you how delicate some of these arrangements can be, especially when reputations are on the line.

Last I heard, you had acquired a little mutt, or was it a mouse? Hard to keep track, but either way how charming.

Lol.

Do keep your house in order, Miss Lede. It would be unfortunate if things became public.

Cordially, D.G.

P.S. My dad doesn’t give two shits. :P

[dereks-kennel]

Derek

It is me your father Mister Gofferd. I wanted to tell you how proud of you i usually am and how much i respect your decisions, but you took it too far with your treatment of Jeff 'El Jefe' Blauer.

As your father i take great interest in your life and have to say I'm worried about you. El Jefe is a smart dude and he has great ideas like his ancestry.com for dogs or the brojob: the one time pass where you can do sex stuff with the boys and have it not be gay. You would have to be an idiot (waaaaaay dumber than Jeff!!!) to not see the potential in these ideas and give them a fair shake.

I ask you as your loving father to please reconsider investing in your close friend when hes always entertained your ideas no matter how dumb they were or when you were acting like a total dick by loudly yelling at the Kappa Sigma Tau party that he got so drunk he peed his pants when you know GOOD AND WELL THAT HE HAD A UTI THAT WEEK.

Please I ask you kindly give him half of your trust fund or I am cutting you out of the will. My name a Jeff!!!! Mr. Gofard.

An email from “Mister Gofferd” just dropped pups . Full of typos, emotional blackmail, and something called the brojob.

Absolutely unhinged. “Jeff is a smart dude.” he lit a microwave on fire trying to “defrost a mango faster.” Also? Not my dad. My real father would’ve had this printed, signed, notarized, and hand-delivered by an intern.

#MyNameIsNotJeff#BrojobIsNotAStartup#BlockedByInheritance #AncestryForDogs???#MuttSaidNoToo

[dereks-kennel]

what's your favorite energy drink if you do have one (pls don't say white monster)

Never had a White Monster in my life. I usually stick to coffee, real coffee, not whatever syrup-water you pour into your sad little travel mug. But when I do crack an energy drink, it’s the KAIF “50K.” You wouldn’t know it, pleb. I think it's technically banned in like four countries.

Mutt had a sip once and started pacing like a feral cat on Adderall. Had to tie her down with a hoodie.

#WhiteMonsterIsForInterns#KAIFOnlyClub#YouCantHandleIt#MuttCantEither#RealCaffeineHeadsKnow

[dereks-kennel]

I LOVEEEE YOUUUUU, WHAT DO YOU LIKE TO SEE IN APPEREANCES? LIKE PEOPLE YOU LIKE? WHAT COLOR OF HAIR, EYES, BODY TYPE AND THAT STUFF🥰🥰🥰

I like them obedient and crybabies. The kind that fold when you talk just a little too close. The kind that try to glare at you through tears.

Hair, eyes, body type? Sure, that’s cute. But I’m more into how fast they break and who they break for.

Mwah 💋🦂

#ObedienceIsHot#CryingIsCuter#MuttsGotItDown#PrettyWhenTheyPanic#DontBotherIfYouDontBlushEasy

[dereks-kennel]

How's your WAY hotter brother Matt?

Matt, I know this is you. You’re not slick.

Go back to brooding over a spreadsheet and pretending you’re above all this. Spoiler: you’re not.

#OutedInTheTags#MattStayInYourCubicle#HotterIsSubjective#DelusionalLittleBrother#MuttsNotImpressedEither

[dereks-kennel]

What r ur opinions on body hair...?

I like my mutt fuzzy. Soft. Warm. A little unkempt. Like something that wandered in from the woods and decided to stay. Super fun to tug on, too. Just a little. Just enough to make her yelp and give me that look. But you didn’t hear that from me.

#FuzzyMuttsOnly#EnrichmentTime#YelpLikeYouMeanIt#PersonalPreference#FurIsIn#DontTellHerISaidThat#MuttAesthetic

[dereks-kennel]

MY ASK BOX IS EMPTY. That’s disgusting. Get in there and fix it.

You’ve all got nasty little questions, I know you do. Don’t be shy now. Ask me about Mutt. Ask me about the scars. Ask me what I’d do if I caught you snooping in my room. Ask me what I eat for breakfast (hint: it’s not cereal).

I’m bored. Fix that. Go on. Be brave. 🖤🦂

#askme #barkforthedog #derekkennel #openaskbox #dontbedull

[dereks-kennel]

I will find you. I will find you and I will remove your eye contacts. Then dye your hair back to the original. You little shithead

Good luck getting past security. They tackled a guy last week for sneezing too confidently. Also?? I don’t wear contacts. These eyes are 20/20. And my hair? My mutt likes it just the way it is, and if you do touch my hair, I’m pressing charges for emotional assault. Cry harder

#YoureNotBuiltForThis#MuttAlreadyBitSomeoneForLess#CatchMeIfYouCanUgly#SecurityWillFoldYouLikeLaundry#MyEyesSeeYourInsecuritiesToo

[dereks-kennel]

derek im cramping, im sick, and mad as hell cuz im at work right now. what should i do king

Office job?

Sit your ass down, turn your chair into a cocoon, slap a heat pad on your gut, and rotate through three different medications like it’s a tasting menu. Pretend to type. Keep one tab open with a spreadsheet, the other with a YouTube video titled “Birds Screaming.”

That’s called professionalism.

If you work in food, say you have diarrhea. No manager on earth wants to argue with that. Instant ticket home, walk out with dignity.

#StrategicSuffering#WeaponizeYourGuts#TellThemTheToiletIsYourBossNow#MuttsUsedThisOnceDontTellHerISaidThat#StayScheming

[dereks-kennel]

I LOVE YOU, IF I EVER GET YOUR SCORPION TATTOO ON ME YOU'D LIKE IT?

Lol Poser.

You don’t even know what it means. Ink your skin with something you can survive, not something that’d break you in a week.

#TryAgain#YouEarnTheSting#NotForTourists#ScorpionRightsReserved#MuttsTheOnlyOneWhoCouldPullItOff

[dereks-kennel]

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE

(I’m ovulating)

Jesus Christ. Put the phone down. Touch some grass. Drink a glass of water. Also no ovulate in peace.

#AbsolutelyNot#BlockedOnSight#MuttsOnly#GetAHobby#TakeANapAndRepent

[dereks-kennel]

I just saw the comments and replies, and I'm wondering if it's a dog or a person named Mutt… Aside from that, of course! if we discount the fact that you hurt people for fun, you are funny in a certain way.

If you had the chance to get a dog, would you like a purebred dog, or would you mind if it were a stray? Oh, I'd like the dog, regardless of whether it's purebred or not.

Have a nice morning, afternoon, or evening! :D

As long as it’s loyal and follows direction, I’m good. Big dog only, though. I don’t like the small yappy ones

#BigDogEnergy#LoyaltyOverLineage#NoYappersAllowed#PackRulesApply#MuttsCountToo

[dereks-kennel]

Huh Seal snoot… What am I supposed to do with this?Is this a threat? A gift? A challenge? Stop sending me shit that makes me feel things I don’t understand.

🦂

#SealSnoot?? #WhatDoesItMean #EmotionalSabotage #MuttWouldPetIt#ImNotBuiltForThis