dernise520

[dernise520]

Hihi! I'm back to penning down today! Well, on the 17th I actually tested for preg cos I was really feeling nauseous. And guess what? Came back positive 1-2 weeks preggy! But the thing is ,on the 27th I went for the gynae check and actually if I'm counting, it's really abit too early but at the same time, cos the gynae did mention, it's either it's still early to detect or....a miscarriage happened. Next follow up is on the 12th October and...till then I'm keeping my fingers crossed. Let's all hope for the better okay?

Till then, I need to get my mind positive and good vibes. Work is okay i guess? Just need to be more focus I suppose? I don't think I'll be making any driving plans or anything till after the 12th. Cos..yup!

Anyway, stay safe guys and thanks for still reading up! 😊

[dernise520]

Sometimes when I see him laughing or smiling at his phone, I admit that I'll suddenly snap back at what my friend mentioned 'if he's not laughing/text w you, it must be someone else, but who's that someone else ?', why don't go check ?

But the thing is, I've done it before and ended up I wasn't happy. I'm not trying to say if I check now ,I'll be unhappy(means it's something bad), but! I tell myself that I need to have trust. A relationship or marriage without trust ,is as good as gone. For me at least. And, after so long, altho it's hard, but I want to make an effort to trust,therefore the benefit of the doubt. I do seriously hope that it's not taken for granted.

Luckily I snapped out of the thought quite fast, and to be honest, quite proud of myself. I faster also just distract myself away from that negative thought in case I have a relapse.

I've also realized that I've become more outspoken about my feelings ,and will try to talk and understand what exactly happen for the most after 2 days of argument or smth? 2 days I believe is long enough. After all, if you really love someone and the family, even 1 day is too long.

I hope he knows I'm really making an effort. It's not easy too, but yeah, at least I'm doing it .

Altho I always remind myself not to say ily too much, I scared he finds it annoying, but sometimes that's really how I feel so I just say it. 🤷🏻‍♀️

[dernise520]

Sometimes I feel that wanting to try for baby no.4 is just wishful on my side only. Idk is it becoming after giving birth like one of my friend said I don't dress up or what so now maybe not as attractive as before or ?

I mean yes I'm anxious because age is catching up with me and I feel that baby k is 2 years alr so it's okay to start, i don't want too wide a gap cos it'll be harder for me. & maybe having a close friend around me being pregnant is giving me alot of preg vibes. Being pregnant the first time wasn't exactly happy so I'm hoping with the upcoming one, I'm curious to see what I'll I'll going thru emotionally. Will it really be better like he promised? That I'll be happy or? And also being able to break the news to inlaws instead of giving them a bomb like baby k. I don't know. Yes I'm tired but maybe cos it's always on my mind and with the help of an app that's always sending me reminders, sometimes I do feel sad that I missed out on my fertile times and even if we did try, it's always on my most infertile period. Bummer.

But I think I've said it to him that tio pregnant is also like an assurance to me that my body is working and not becos harder or what. I dont know.

Deep down, I feel like asking, do you want another child with me? Or actually the truth is you don't want anymore? 😶

Cos it's sad sometimes when I think think think and then negative vibes come flowing into my mind and I've to fight it off.

Idk when you'll ever read this . Hopefully soon.

[dernise520]

Today is valentines day. But I cried. I asked him how many years have we been together and he miscalculated. Or maybe not, maybe to him, the period when I was pregnant and afew months weren't counted to him. Idk. I feel sad and I couldn't control my emotions that's why I cried. But he didn't feel anything tho. 😔

Sometimes I wonder how important am I to him. I'll snap out of this quickly because I don't want to be sad for too long, but today will be a valentine that I cried, I know I'll remember that. I dare not ask questions like this to him anymore, in fear if he gets it wrong...sighs.

Sad. But I'll act okay just to move on.

Jiaen wiped my tears today for the first time and sayang me when he saw me cry. So heartwarming.

I have a husband, who has more important things to do and remember than me. 🤷🏻‍♀️

[dernise520]

Hi, it's 2021. Not sure if whoever has this blog is still reading it.

Anyway, so far I guess it's still okay for me. Was super excited and happy during my staycation altho I didn't actually do what I was supposed to do.

Ended 2020 by spending lots of family time and meeting those worthy of meeting, those that I couldn't find time to squeeze, promise to give you slots in 2021 okay!

Quite packed for Jan I suppose w kids going to sch and our house reno and all. Hehe. But this busy is a good busy. At least. But I'm kinda unhappy sometimes when I realize that my sense of security from him still ain't coming back 100%. Like for eg?

We went to watch a movie today and so the topic of popcorn came up, and a certain brand of popcorn I mentioned, the moment I mentioned, the next thing that came into my mind was, yup , you say pricy but you bought that popcorn for your Thai female friend ah, pink color somemore, next? She even posted on her ig, but you hid your ig story. Then when we entered the movie, I think there was a Thai ad for a upcoming movie, my 1st thinking? He's gonna look at it, cos that's his comfort zone, the language and country that he loves. And even until now..the way he used to (idk if he still does it now tho) look and scroll for pretty girls etc..I watch live on fb I also must cover from him cos to me, he confirm see one, cos anybody is confirm prettier than me( I feel fat now), so like I can't even watch the fb live properly. Must lean towards the side so he can't see...and even when I on the TV, channel 5 is like 830 I still cannot overcome my fear, then channel 8 if got those commercials that has those girls/celebrities he followed I will quickly switch channel. Or even now if someone cross the road or when he is driving, I'll look at his eyes to see if he's seeing them, afew times I caught him looking thru his side mirror, I just didn't say anything. I know one. And it's like ever since don't know when I can't see anything from the side mirrors. Idk if it's meant to be on purpose. Cos I used to be able to see, now I can't see anything except my reflection.

I mean all I wanna say is I haven't gotten out of the black hole yet and no ,I'm not fully ok. I just try to snap out of it faster than before but it doesn't mean I'm okay. I don't think I'll ever heal...sometimes even watching those TV shows where ppl husband take wedding pic or what also bring tears to my eyes, hais. I hate that I'm so weak sometimes, I hate that my memory is supposed to be bad, but I'm remembering those very painful moments somehow.

Ohwell, I'm just saying cos....I don't wanna bottle up my feelings inside me. What a night to start 2021. But I'm okay, I'll be, I have to be. I'll just go to sleep and I guess, either be really ok or just act okay.

I need to voice out somewhere. That's all. I guess...........😔

[dernise520]

I know my mood's been pretty bad although I know I've valid reasons for having that kinda reaction.i mean at least I don't try to stay and ponder too long, so I guess that's kinda improvement on my side?

Lots of things happening lately, but the one most recent one is my friend wanting to ask for a divorce. Yes yes, sometime her questions will make me go back to the unhappy past but I try my best not to dwell too much and too long till I overthink. & I guess I'm more vocal now? So at least he knows whats on my mind.

But the few questions that I may not have an answer to, are sometimes still stuck in my head. Perhaps I don't have the courage to ask, or I'm just hoping that he reads this post 1 day, because I think he doesn't read my blog anymore cos I haven't been updating for awhile now.

Questions....

1) if I'm pregnant again, it indirectly means our sexual life will be stopped when I have a belly, will you once again do what you did the last time? My God. I don't even have the courage to type out in words here

2) so I'm gonna be bloated again and feeling inferior about my looks, pretty sure I'll fall into the depressed mood, will you be like Sian?

3) 4 months of maternity leave at home, will I once again find out stuffs? I'm so afraid......😢

Oh boy....when will I ever have answers.

Its such an irony that here i am telling my friend that you can't go around finding loyalty. How much one person loves their spouse and how much they want the family will determine how loyal one will be. What about you? Are you confident that you'll never betray me?

I'll never have the courage to ask you that. Or maybe when we quarrel and emo hits me ill be able to ask.

Tmrw I'm seeing my daddy . Like finally. I'm happy yet worried.why is he asking for my ic. Is he writing a will or smth? Ppl don't write wills unless they know they might not make it or what right?

I won't over think for now.

I'll just sleep it thru i hope. Been having bad bad negative nightmares lately......please...I just wanna sleep peacefully.

[dernise520]

Sometimes, just sometimes I wished for other things.

I wished you would look at us, me more and not your hp.

I wished I was as important as you tell me I was.

I wished for things money cannot buy.

Above all, I wished, just wished I could turn back the hands of time.

But, wishing is just wishing. It'll never come true.

Because I know that our priorities will forever be different.

I've stop wishing because I don't want to be disappointed as I already am.

[dernise520]

Its been so long since I last rote. Just a few days ago I was still saying, I think I don't need this blog already because I've been so honest about my feelings.

Well. Never count your blessings too early. I mean I'm okay, I'm really ok. Maybe just today I asked a question and I wasn't expecting that kinda answer from him.

My love for him was always a 100% if not more no matter the times I've been hurt by him. But sadly, he told me today that his for me was never a 100%.

Its okay. Don't think about it and I'll be okay & then I saw ads on wedding pictures and it hit me real hard that I'll never have it and maybe he has never thought of wanting one anyway. Because I got pregnant before we were married.

Its ok, its ok. I can't write anymore, I'm tearing . But ill be ok, for jiaen I'll be ok. 😄

[dernise520]

& so I've been having some really bad dreams nowadays & its making me abit 不安。 I used to think if bad dreams as a sign ,if you get what I mean .

Nothing big is happening lately,mostly routine altho I think there was some disagreements here and there. Actually sometimes I wish you would smile like that when reading my texts, or maybe I wished that you would listen and put it to heart the things I've said before.

Idk if sometimes you sayang me just to 打发 me or what. Bad dreams are like a reminder of what happened in the past flashing back . Sometimes I wake up in the morning, or when im alone working cos baby en is in school & you're at work, I think to myself sometimes, is it worth doing so much for you despite what I've put myself thru .

Like in order not to be fat, I really control myself and all,now I still have the blue pill, once finished ill push myself to exercise, then to pay that amount of money for my face, but maybe to you, no difference at all cos its not like a major change, and then I feel pathetic to do these things just so ill look pleasant to your eyes.

But,when you come home early, its not to actually see me i know, its to play your game and then it'll be all the way till jiaen sleeps. I kinda only have Saturdays with you, even tho your game chat is active 24/7.

Ohwell, I guess its just like that eh? 😕 I feel sad sometimes but I just shrug it off nowadays. After all,what's there to expect when disappointment will always be there.

[dernise520]

I really not happy.

You make me hate thai girls. You make me dislike your friends. You made me a toxic wife. You made me insecure. Dont add more stuffs. Don't let me hate you playing ps4.

I alr said it a zillion times. Idc how long you play ps4. And I nv complain and I even give you time to play with your friends. But when i need you to help,help me first. When you should do smth more important first, do it first then continue playing.

Baby things I cannot accept really when your excuse is PS4. Comeon la. Milk contain so much bacteria. And until the milk become 一块一块 。 having 4 milk bottles doesn't give you an excuse okay. You are being negligent alr.

& even more because its baby things, I expect the baby stuffs to come first.

I'm very disappointed. Perhaps to you, you feel you didn't do anything wrong. To me, it just shows how much you care. You could have washed it first or what. But no ,I reckon you look at your hp telegram and ps4 more than us.

Period.

[dernise520]

There's one thing I learnt while I was the sickest(if there is a word like this) this time.

Life isn't life if it wasn't filled with ups and downs. Yup, I may not have been the happiest thru my marriage. But I know there were happy times. I didnt know I would be that unhappy, but I know that i wasn't alone when I was unhappy.

Altho now I've become a totally different person ,but I'm sure I've become a better person in one way or another. I may have been much more sensitive than I was before, but i have also been more honest about my feelingd and thoughts with my other half, my husband. I may not have forgotten those bad times, but I felt I'm stronger than before because I've learnt to let go of my unhappiness faster and regain back happiness in my life. I dont want to share another min being mad or angry or saying words that I don't mean, when I can spend another min hugging him, forgiving him and loving him with the same min.

Its not easy for me, but it wasnt easier for him too. A relationship is a good one if we've learnt something out of it and it has made us become a better human in one way or another.

I love him and still love, no matter how unhappy I am with things etc. So if I love him that much, why should i continue to hurt him and myself and this marriage right? So yes, I'm glad I'm a better human . I just need to learn to control my temper I guess

Hehehe. Ohwell. Just some thoughts ya. Must pen down before I forget. And I really really hope to get better pls. It sucks really. Thank you hubs for being by my side when I was so sick etc.

[dernise520]

After fighting for so long, thoughts of giving up are still in my head.

When i look at you sometimes, I know I love you but I dojt know if I ever regretted it. I know I shouldn't look back, but you just know it was really hard for me to take everything in such a short time . I wasn't prepared for it. You were prepared to settle down , it was just a matter of time and who . Me? I wasn't ready to settle down and after the 1st marriage, having a 2nd one wasnt in my mind at all. I've been proposed by an ex gf, but turned down even tho she arranged my dream kinda wedding I had. (Even those who don't wanna marry still can have dreams of their dream proposal or wedding etc).

With you, it wasn't actually throwing myself at you. Maybe it was just those small talks we had that made me feel you cared a little differently from the ones I had caring for me then. Maybe the subsequent actions you took like buying me med made me a little move and wanting to try smth new. That was how it all started.

I remembered going home the day I visited you at your home, and scrubbing my body vigorously like I've been raped and crying in the shower asking myself why I let it happen & still smth inside of me didn't want to reject you. It wasn't that I didn't have better choices (my dad arrangements with some were really good looking and had good prospects), it was a feeling I nv really had for someone. A willing feeling.

And in less than a year, boom! Preggy. Not how I would want to enter a marriage again tho. Brings back badbad memories. And again, I didn't get to wear a wedding gown or took pics. It was a short and simple one due to time constraints and tummy conditions.

I didn't whine,I didn't grumble,I didn't mind. Because at least I had feelings for this one that I am gonna marry. Little did I know that I had too much feelkngs and hope on this marriage that it saddened and hurt me so deeply that it made me lose faith in marriage again.

It's gonna be 2 years . Has it been better? Well, there are good and bad times and only time will tell if your words to me will stand true. Everytime takes time to see ,but idk if time is ever enough for me to heal. I havent been the perfect kinda wife ever since things took a turnstile. I was before everything happened. But some things just aren't perfect anymore, not on the outside and not on the inside. The way I look at you is no longer the same in awe look,but rather with a tinge of sadness and makes my heart break a little.

Well, just some thoughts.

Tummyache and cramps , the hot and cold, nausea is killing me. Please end it today . Its gonna ruin my weekends.

[dernise520]

Its has been busy days and tired days for me during this period. Well I've been trying to do things or think of other ways to stir me back in the positive circle and try not to lose my temper. It seems that he's always doing the wrong things at the wrong times. Idk how to explain.

Like the in and out,it made me lose my temper because I was really tired that day but because he had to keep coming in and going out and the light would shine on baby en face, so i had to like keep my hand in the air just to block the light, and furthermore can't predict when he's coming in. But maybe to him, he thought i was angry about him going in and out or k thought why he was going in and out, but nah it wasn't cos of that, I alr stated the reason.

And also , during the night. I just dont understand. He does the same thing every single night for the past 14months, and he is still making so much noise. Like why cant prepare everything before baby en sleeps? Like do the milk powder, boil the water. So when its night, just need to feed 1 more time then sleep? Instead of in and out. To me, you can spend hours after coming home from work to play game, but why don't just spend less than half an hour to prepare everything so don't need to prepare alr? And he has this habit of making noise when eating. I'm not just saying for eg the biscuit hard so when he eat sure got noise, no. Even normal eating he makes noise ,unlike the norm where ppl usually close their mouth and chew food he doesn't. 😬

And ya, you alr know baby en easy to wake up, you still choose to eat noisy in the night, its like you're just waiting for him to wake only. Idk la. Its like his priorities are mixed up one. Or maybe his thinking is just different. After saying out I hope ill feel better.

Ohyah, an old friend recently contacted me back. 😆. Might be meeting on the 30th because 31st is a PH, initially was on the 31st. But lemme consider first. I got anxiety issue now. Phase 2 too many ppl until I feel anxious when surrounded.

Seems like alot of ppl are commenting that short hair looks better on me. HAHAHAAH. Easy to maintain la but I still prefer long hair actually. Let's see how fast it'll grow.

Forgot what I wanna say alr. Tmrw then I continue. I hope I don't become too often turned off cos it might just mean something else. Which always happens to me after being with a person for 2 years. 😶

Well, I guess sometimes you just to LL accept the person's lifestyle habits eh? Unless you wanna say bye-bye. But certain thijgs are still a no for me. Alright, enough ranting. Go watch my stuff now.

[dernise520]

Its been busy nowadays. Hehe. I'll blog more tmrw. Cos I didn't know its so late. Hehe.

[dernise520]

Life is so hard to get by once you let those kinda thoughts get into your head.

I saw a video and then I got reminded of the bad times and its starting to hit me again. Sighs. Sometimes ,just sometimes I wished none of this happened ,then I wouldn't be feeling this way. Maybe to other girls its not the 1st time ,its just another nirmal problem, but or me, it isn't. It really is my 1st time that I have to deal with so many things that I haven't felt before. & its hard for me.

But then again if only I could skip everything else except jiaen in my life. He keeps me busy, moving on and melts my heart and puts a smile on my face. I really really love him so so much.

Sometimes I just wanna break free.

[dernise520]

I thought after so long and after some changes, I thought I was okay. I really thought I was. But I guess not. 😔

I mean i really thought everything was okay. I guess its not that easy as much as I wanted it to be. I thought I conquered it alr. But the thing is luckily I got over it quickly unlike the old days where It would affect me the whole day or even more and I would just end the day.

On the car ride home, as I looked into the car's side mirror & saw my reflection, certain thoughts dawned upon me. I've changed my look, well, not intended (for the hair part),im still trying to lose somemore weight, and I've done minor plastic surgery, ain't I suppose to feel better? Well maybe things aren't that superficial, and 不是改变形象就能好吧。一段感情受到伤害的时候，可能是伤得太深所以没有那么快愈合。只能靠时间淡化一切，还有看看对方和自己会不会改变吧。

I hope its not because when i metup with PL they all, altho i really put them down and 打发她们对我的疑问,Im not sure if it affected my thoughts somehow. 😟

Or maybe its cos been going out often and you know in contact to visually seeing others, and I alr subconsciously comparing myself with them & plus maybe how he was in the past flashed back and it kinda suited the situation then so BOOM! If you know what I mean.

Really sucks to be feeling like this. Maybe to him its just another 无理取闹, or maybe he msged his friend or one of his groupchat and say ' my wife siao again. 🤷🏻‍♀️

ohwell. Stop thinking bout it. Baby boy is cranky. Hehe.

[dernise520]

I'm sad when you've forgotten things about me. It makes me feel that I'm not important and that you're just saying I'm important only and not really meaning it.

It didn't used to be like this. I don't want to get used to being disappointed or sad or affected by you until I have no reaction. By then it would alr be meaningless to let you know stuffs about me.it will become a mindset like 'aiyar,no need to tell you la, anyway ypu also cannot remember one'.

You always say you just want me to be happy. But you didn't get it that my happiness most of it comes from you. Yeah maybe when I give disappointed faces when you remember stuffs wrongly, to you its 'oh shit, haiz here we go again. But I can't hide my feelings and I don't want to. I did it in the past, in the end? One can't just do nothing and hope to be happy. Being happy is a choice and normally determined by actions.

I guess I say so much also no use one la. To you, maybe I'm alr starting to annoy you with all my whining . I think i need to comfort myself and try to convince myself that I'm important so at least I can make believe, at least.