desde-los-cielos

[desde-los-cielos]

I operate on a 55% self-doubt/shame/dread base line 😎😎😎. Enough to go about my everyday life.

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Whew, people that are able to bring me back from the throes of meta-shame.

Sometimes hearing really good reasons for why I shouldn’t be so hard on myself just ends up making me feel more ashamed for not being able to fully internalize those reasons. Especially if the reasons are stuff I’ve heard over and over again. And then more shame for being cognizant of this, and still not being able to do anything about it. And so on. It’s paralyzing.

I don’t talk about this much, so I don’t really have words to describe this feeling. Just a lot of emotions. But it’s something that I think needs to be present and acknowledged when working with mental health related providers.

I don’t know what to do with this part of me. It’s so scary to bring this unformed mass of emotions out into the open. But I guess I just gotta get used to this discomfort? Because I’m tired of hiding it. Tired of hiding how much shame I feel for feeling shame. I’m always trying to conform, even to concepts that are meant to challenge hegemony.

Anyway this all came up today with my dietitian. It was great. I love that I’m having the same conversations with my therapist, dietitian, and psychiatrist. Same but different. Same but being brought back to different parts of my life.

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Desire isn’t the optimal path to pleasure!! Also maybe referring to pleasure as something to be optimized isn’t so good either???

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I did it!! I was so ready for Ankou to murder Adolphe and then kill himself to end the cycle of suffering. I was ready for it to go much darker. But it was just a regular helping of despair whew. Now I can finally move on to the salvation sequel. 😭😭 Before having to go through one more bad end sequel. I wonder how that will look like?

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Ok I played a little bit while procrastinating on putting laundry away. I don't know how all this graphics stuff works, but the text does seem more readable. Maybe.

I'm reading a despair sequel right now, where the text boxes are in black and the font in white. These weren't such a problem on the original switch, and they're maybe a little better on the switch 2, but I do see a little blurriness maybe? Nothing that actually bothers me though. When I take screenshots, the screenshots look to be slightly blurrier than what I see in-game. They match the blurriness of my past screenshots from the original switch. I think this happened even there, where the screenshots and videos were always in worse quality than the source game.

I have yet to read through a salvation sequel on the switch 2. These were the ones that gave me the most trouble. White backgrounds and white font with a whisper of a black outline. We will see. It may not be as big a boost as I wanted, but I think I'll still be happy.

The opening video looked great. As do a lot of graphics. They may be blurrier, but the beauty of the screen hides it well.

Anyway, I have finally dipped my toes into Adolphe's despair sequel, something I was dreading since I wasn't even able to touch the despair ending in the first game. It was the only optional bad ending, and I couldn't touch it. They forced me to go through four bad endings to unlock Adolphe's route. I wasn't willingly signing up for a fifth. Especially when the good ending was so good.

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To love and to be loved by my niblings!!!! Was all I ever envisioned the Tia life would be like. Dream come true. Also to play video games with them. Which also came true.

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I booted up my otome game with the terrible font. I didn’t play it past the opening, but it already looks so much better. I looked at my past screenshots and videos and they look so blurry on the switch 2 screen!!! Am I going to have to re-record everything??? But also does this mean it might try actually be readable now????

I wish I was off work. Oh well. My eyes are getting tired. And the original switch was just not doing it for me in terms of display.

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Doomed to never get a screen protector right the first time!!!!!!!! But all these nifty gadgets they make to make it as easy as possible usually results in at least the second attempt turning out pretty good to great. I never have spare screen protectors. ://///

Anyway my switch 2 is here.

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Anyway I love K. Rool's shocked expression in dkc2 when his weapon sucks up a bomb. That stare at the fourth wall. Love it. I love anything that reminds me of that expression.

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Wow the fundraising emails from my nephew’s school are so manipulative!!! Challenging me to prove my love by donating to whatever they have that kid doing. And it works!!!! I gotta donate. Most of our family don’t have funds to spare for these kinds of things. My parents didn’t when I was growing up. So I feel obligated to donate!! I wanna be his rich gay childless tia.

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Like most things, therapy is just a primitive form of bending.

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It’s one of those days where I listen to the super Mario world ending on loop. 😌

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Ok I’m back in it. She didn’t regress this time, and decided to be brave and not turn away from her feelings.

So basically this series kind of read as YA at the beginning. The protagonist I think is like 19. And her demon presents as not much older. I persisted even tho I couldn’t relate much to the main characters anymore, because it does seem like the kind of series I would have loved in high school.

Now being at the fourth book of the series, it is definitely not reading as a YA novel. I did not expect it to get as explicit as it has. Which isn’t much tbh, but it’s still more than I would ever expect in a YA novel. Romance.io described it as closed door/fade to black in terms of spiciness. But there are definitely no closed doors and maybe one instance that could be considered fade to black. Even tho it showed quite a but before the fade.

Looking it up, it looks like the author is known for their very slow burns. She waits until she’s a few books in before writing anything explicit. Also this series might be considered more of an urban fantasy than a romance.

Unfortunately I love slow burns. My interest in romance books lies mostly in the emotional connection and angst between characters, so a good slow burn still fulfills that interest. This one kind of teetered on annoying though. Because a lot of the slow burn seemed to be caused by the flimsiest instances of miscommunication. Definitely not a fan of that kind of slow burn. Booooo.

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Omg this author is so mean. Has the same character interrupting intimate moments between the protagonist and her demon multiple times. And the protagonist!!! Plzzzzz close your door. Something. Don’t just start making out with your demon with your door open when you know your roommate is on her way back.

Meh. The roommate is going very hard on the slut-shaming, and basically calling it bestiality. AND IT HAPPENS EVERY TIME. Getting old. And I feel so bad for the protagonist who is already struggling with her feelings for her demon.

This is the 4th book. Stop with the teasing. Stop with the whiplash. It just makes me sad, because with every confrontation, the protagonist takes one million steps back and starts denying her feelings. Ugh. We get it author, you don’t write smut, but you don’t have to be so mean about it. I’d rather the author gloss over any physical intimacy if it means not having to hear the roommate go on and on.

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Yeah idk about reading the rest of the light novels. So many moving pieces and a not so good memory. Also very literal translation, making it hard to follow sometimes. I don’t know enough Japanese. 😭😭 It makes my head hurt.

But I was able to get through Danganronpa Zero. Partially through reading them and partially through the summary. Wow. It’s so sad. How Junko just uses everyone who means anything to her, all in the name of creating more despair.

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Ok now with the Monomi face in the end screen. 🤔🤔

Oooh I can read the Hagakure light novel from here. Hmm. I’ll think about it. Wait but all the extras now unlocked. I might just continue playing for a while because grinding fun.

Ok but also?? Komaru and Toko sticking together??? Sleeping in the same bed???? 🤔🤔🤔 Well, regardless of the label, their emotional intimacy is 💯. They love each other. 🥰🥰

With the remnants of despair presumably gathering in Towa city, I’m guessing this is where they are “captured” by the future foundation?

Also what about Monaca? I really really hope that the anime fills in the blanks. Because it’s supposed to be the conclusion right? Also pls explain how v3 fits into all this pls.

Ohhh!!! Maybe Monaca is the one that is able to inject Monokuma into ultimate despair? Junko is still alive in some form so idk about Nagito’s plan to make Monaca into Junko. Too many questions!! They better all be answered!!!!

Anyway this was a great game. So glad I decided to play it myself.

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Ahhhh Hajime. 😭😭😭😭 They refuse to show me your face. So many mysteries. I want to know more about how the remnants of despair came to be. They’re such cute kids, what would have happened for them to ally with Ultimate Despair?

What about the connections between Monomi and Shirokuma? Or did they just reuse the sprites and there’s no actual connection? I was thinking maybe Shiro would die but they would be able to save his data somehow and use it to create Monomi??

Ahhh my cute lil remnants of despair. I hope I get to see them in the hope/despair anime. Finally I can start watching it. I think. I might have to read a couple light novels, but that’s fine too.