designlostinthechaos-blog

[designlostinthechaos-blog]

Laying next to him on his couch. Your head almost on his shoulder, not for any reason, just because it's comfortable, it's thoughtless, natural. Something happens. You look at each other laughing. Then out of nowhere this thought intrudes, interrupts everything innocent. 'What would it be like to kiss him?' It's not like you want to be with him, or your friendship to change. It would never make sense, the thought of it isn't even plausible. This, with him, is worth everything. The one thing in you life you hope you never grow out of. The simplicity of sitting around doing nothing but laughing, talking. The feeling that you belong, like you're comfortable here. If there was a way to kiss him once, just one time, to know what it was like and have everything else stay exactly the same, you would do it. But that's not possible. So you lay there with your head almost on his shoulder pretending that the thought never crossed your mind.

[designlostinthechaos-blog]

you are a hopeless dream that will never come true, but i will never stop dreaming of you

someday maybe 

we could get coffee

i would sit across from you

we would talk 

i would let you in

we could laugh

and share

and be normal

be happy

catch up

then it could continue

dinner and movie

still across from each other

my knee touching yours at dinner

then later 

your arm around me 

then one kiss goodnight

sweet and simple

then one night you let me in

i leave before you are up in the morning 

not knowing if we really are something yet

just a note with a stupid excuse 

this could continue a couple more days

but then i'd ask you if i could spend the night 

borrow your shirt

and fall asleep against your chest

this is just a stupid dream

that will never come true

[designlostinthechaos-blog]

Goodnight

He said it I can't remember the last guy I liked who actually did. Are things changing? Will it be different this time? Is this right? I'm so scared of freaking out and ruining this. I'm nervous. I'm terrified. I'm panicking. I need to remember that even if I ruin this everything will be okay. Risks need to be worth taking, else what is the point of living.

[designlostinthechaos-blog]

I Love Him

It’s not romantic love, it’s not physical love, it’s not hopeless, it’s not longing.

It’s simple, it’s easy, it’s beautiful.

There is no chemistry, no spark, no attraction.

But it’s impossible not to love every piece of him.

The scars on his back, the way his voice sounds when he sings, the way his laugh bubbles and lights up his face.

He is the only guy in my life that makes me feel like I’m important, like I matter, like I’m worth something.

I would never risk losing him.

He hugs me and I feel whole, complete, good.

I sometimes wish I could just fall for him instead if all the wrong guys, but he’s more then that.

More then just a temporary distraction, a momentary lapse in judgement, a pleasant daydream.

He is the friend I never want to lose, the one who will always include me, the person who makes me want to be better.

I love him, A lot, Too much, But that’s okay.

I just hope he never disappears.

[designlostinthechaos-blog]

Love Letter to a Stranger: Time for a Risk

I have been falling for the wrong guys for the past year: the worst, most unrealistic, impossibilities because a year ago I fell for the right guy and just didn’t do anything about it.

Exactly one year later it all happened again: he smiled, we talked, I fell.

I didn’t do anything again.

I have four days before he’s gone and I’m so afraid of a history repetition.

I need to grow, I need to change, I need to move forward.

I have to make myself be brave, I have to ignore fear and be strong.

This time I need to say what I’ve been holding in, I need to lift the mask, I need to take a chance even if the risk seems too great.

Risks aren’t what you regret, you regret what you don’t do and I’m so tired of regrets.

[designlostinthechaos-blog]

Never Again Exactly a year later can't be a coincidence. I made a mistake, I didn't say anything. He was gone and I didn't do anything to stop it. This time will be different, I'm not letting him disappear. I can't let him slip away this time, I'll regret it too much. I can't live my life consumed by regrets of what was never said, of what was never done, of what fear stopped. I need to this time because if I don't nothing will ever change, I will never grow, and I will be stuck. This time I need to move forward instead of backwards. I can't let him slip away this time. Not again. Fear won't win. Not this time. Never again.

[designlostinthechaos-blog]

Road Trip Outfit: 5-24-13 Shirt- grey sweater, ripped sleeves, hero! Logo, hand painted, $5 love culture Pants- black, spandex, leggings, $10 forever 21 Belt- white, basic, $1 thrift store Shoes- grey, studded, Steve Madden, high tops, $30 tj max

[designlostinthechaos-blog]

Tropical Chic: 5-23-13 Shirt- palm frond, navy mint lavender white and grey, crop top, open back, $3 forever 21 Jacket- lightweight white blazer, summer casual, free hand-me-down (from mom) Shorts- white high waisted, home designed buttons, $7 papaya Shoes- navy pumps, ruffle on toe, handmade black strap, $16 Payless

[designlostinthechaos-blog]

I hold it close Clutching it tight

It is my shield My protection My warmth

I walk through the halls Clinging to it

Thinking if i just hold a little tighter The emptiness will go away

The pit in my stomach will be filled The lonely lost feeling will subside

It is my shelter My mask My comfort

It is my bandaid It covers the ugly wound, but it does not heal

It blocks the hole that no one sees It hides what is trapped

Ignored in the chaos Forgotten and left behind Under the surface the darkness grows The suppressed hurt just increases Consuming and drowning But the pain is invisible Hidden behind something as simple as a binder

[designlostinthechaos-blog]

Casual Punk: 5-22-13 Shirt- heartbeat w/ broke heart flatline on back, $3 homemade Pants- traditional patterned leggings, charcoal and grey, $10 Ross Shoes- leather heel boots, bow on side, creased material for design, $20 forever 21

[designlostinthechaos-blog]

It Just Felt Like a Tyler Day: 5-21-13 Tank- Tyler Glenn wife beater, $2 homemade Pants- black jeggings, $15 papaya Bandeau- dark grey, denimesque, $5 styles Sweater- grey cardigan, ribbed, $15 kohl's Shoes- mismatch sneakers, $4 thrift store

[designlostinthechaos-blog]

Professional Casual: 5-20-13 Jacket- black blazer, $1 thrift store Shirt- sheepish white long sleeve, $3 de Masque Pants- high-waisted black jeggings, $15 papaya Bracelets- studded, silver, edgy, $3 homemade/thrift store/ kohl's Necklaces- rhinestone panda, jeweled chocker, black beads, $3 forever 21/kohl's/free Shoes- black studded flats, $20 forever 21

[designlostinthechaos-blog]

BFD 2013: 5-19-13 Shirt- abstract retro live 105 logo, $1 homemade Skirt- faux leather, $5 love culture Belts- woven teal, studded black, total $7 styles Bracelets- mismatch, watch, glow stick, skulls, lanyard, total $7 kohl's/charlotte rouge/homemade Necklace- beaded, black, free Anklets- chain, black rubber, $2 kohl's/? Shoes- black studded flats, $20 forever 21

[designlostinthechaos-blog]

Hands down, one of the greatest days of my LIFE!!!!!! So many amazing shows- the joy consumed me, overwhelmed me; the music captivated me, filling my soul, making me feel complete. Everything was beautiful and nothing could ever be wrong.

[designlostinthechaos-blog]

Saturday Casual: 5-18-13 Pants- basic denim jeans, $10 forever 21 Shirt- 'every lady loves a gentlemen' $8 styles Socks- mismatched, $3 Shoes- studded black flats, $20 forever 21

[designlostinthechaos-blog]

Monochromatic Rocker Chic: 5-17-13 Shirt- charcoal 'love me' matchbox 20 inspired, paint splatter, homemade, $4 thrift store Skirt- faux leatherish, short a-line feel, $5 love culture Heels- 5 inch, black, platform, stiletto, boots with glitter, $7 forever 21 Belt- basic white, waist clinch, $1 thrift store Bracelets- studded metal, $7 thrift store

[designlostinthechaos-blog]

Rural Goth: 5-16-13 Shirt- day of the dead tank, skull of intricate cream stitching, $9 Ross Skirt- black tank top, $2 forever 21 Tights- black, stain glass window, intricately woven, $5 Walmart Belt- cream, woven, preowned, flea market Shoes- subtle cowboy boots, beige with braided side and diamond holes, $10 target