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Dating High-Profile Black men - A Black Woman’s Perspective

I recall a time, while performing oral sex, that my head was held down firmly. I pushed back with might once, then twice, and still the pressure did not ease. This wasn’t in the way that one would see in adult videos, erotically with consent; I had actually pushed back. I moved their hands from behind my head. ‘We are dating’, I said to myself. I swallowed my feelings, then continued until finish.

Though I felt violated, it wasn’t the situation that insighted our separation. There were other things.

I would cry sometimes, alone to myself. I wanted this relationship so badly, yet, this gift seems to be putting me down constantly.

For those of us who consider ourselves as ‘doing work’ within the Black community, we expect that other woke folk won’t manipulate us, or even that they have our best interest at heart.

What ensues is the battle and the after effect of trying to convince yourself of the illusion. I pushed my feelings aside, doubted my reality and fought the label of victim.

I pushed beyond my threshold to save this Black love. I found myself accepting apologies that were hollow in nature. In fact, they often sounded more like debates in trauma informed practices. ‘I’ statements being key.

You’re not self reflective enough, I was told. But, why did I listen?

I listened because high-income Black men feel like a rarity, even more so, meeting one that wants to settle down can seem impossible. While this may not be in actuality, the images sure are powerful and meeting one can feel like an actual blessing.

I recall the passion of letting my guard down, sharing my experiences of racial trauma, stories of Black rearing within the home, tokenism and even the ways in which we have traversed the LGBTQ+ community. In my case, we also shared the experience of being Black in law enforcement environments, which can sometimes involve a lot of explaining to outsiders. The passion of Black love is unlike any other.

The hardest part for me, has been squashing the feelings of being used, manipulated or violated in the midst of collectively fighting against whiteness.

How can I think so negatively about one of my own?

But we do hurt each other, and our level of blackness does not render us immune from each other.

What I have learned is that the current state of Black dating, these conditions, are toxic. I’ve grown to believe that not speaking out against Black men with reputable labels saves us as a people. But, does it?

So, does this mean the higher the profile, the more ‘he’ can get away with.

This is absolutely not a call to action, rather, I am sharing my awareness of why some Black spaces are not safe for Black women.

That it is also true, that some of our men have preyed upon us, while leading and facilitating our discussions about community empowerment and Black solidarity.

I was once so happy to have been chosen and in the end disgusted by this brazen attitude and freedom at the helm of my silence.

I confess that I didn’t believe the experiences of prior sisters; for that, I failed you sister.

Feigning remorse, they know we, Black women, wouldn’t dare put our community on the line while all this focus is upon us. In sharing this last dating experience, I know I am not the first, nor will I be the last person, if I don’t say my name, their name.

Understanding all these implications, I am too scared to say my name, that is just the fact. These are just my opinions, my experiences, and totally from my perspective.

By unknown

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Chapter 14: Distributional Aspects

  Baker, C. & Cokely, D. (1991). American Sign Language: A Teacher’s Resource Text on Grammar and Culture. (Pages 427-442) Clerc Books: Gallaudet University. Washington DC.

Similar to the way that there are inflect specific to time, there are also inflections specific to the distribution within a group of people. The way these inflections are signed is the decision of the signer as there is no one correct way. (example: I gave candy to each one of you, or I gave you all candy) both meant the same thing.

Examples of the four inflections are (a) to all in a group (b) to all in a group “each” (c) to “specific” in a group (d) to all “unspecific”. My example demonstrated will be done with money.

More advance signers are able to use both temporal and distributional aspects at the same time. This is important when using ASL as it will deliver the message more accurately.

Burning Question:

I am curious to know if the new ASL curriculum has had any impact on the negative views by parents, audiologists, mainstream hearing teachers of Deaf children. Do you think a big change is soon to hit?

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Chapter 13: Temporal Aspects

Baker, C. & Cokely, D. (1991). American Sign Language: A Teacher’s Resource Text on Grammar and Culture. (Pages 401-426) Clerc Books: Gallaudet University. Washington DC.

ASL gives information regarding time with verb modulations. This simply means that the duration or frequency of the “event” is expressed rather then the actual time of the event. For example: a repeated circular motion, straight line movement, slower composed of a round thrust, Short hold at the end of the thrust.

The Verb inflection used by the signer will change depending on the way in which the signer viewed the event. “Over Time, Regularly, Long Time, Over and Over Again”. That means that there is not only one way to sign an event

Non-manual behaviors are also important when discussing Temporal Aspects. Examples of these non-manual behaviors are body position and facial expression which can show a number of things such as if the experience is positive or negative.

Burning Question: Is it incorrect in ASL to do temporal aspects with a time feature?

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Chapter 12: Pluralization

Baker, C. & Cokely, D. (1991). American Sign Language: A Teacher’s Resource Text on Grammar and Culture. (Pages 361-400) Clerc Books: Gallaudet University. Washington DC.

Pluralization refers to the different ways that ASL (American Sign Language) identifies that there is more that one person involved. For example how the words “they” and “we” are used. Comparing the different these same words in English is done by adding “s” on the end.

Classifier hand shape examples that identify singular are “A”, “3”, “1”. These same handshapes can be made plural by dragging or identifying a specific number with a bouncing motion to show that there is more then one.

 Specifically discussing people and pluralization can be interesting. The example in the book was, “girl walking home and two boys walked up to her”. This example shows how easy it is to identify when there is more than one person involved and even if there are 4-5 people involved. Different ways will be shown.

Burning Question: Which of these chapters to you feel interpreters struggle with most as students?

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Chapter 9: Subject and Object

Baker, C. & Cokely, D. (1991). American Sign Language: A Teacher’s Resource Text on Grammar and Culture. (Pages 247-285) Clerc Books: Gallaudet University. Washington DC.

Subject and Object are identified in three different ways in ASL. They are modulations, use of certain sign order, changes in signers body position to represent different speaker

Changes in signers body position refers to role shifting, when the signer takes on the character or the narrator in the story

How is 1st person to 3rd person established in ASL? The use of space is important when describing how many people are involved or with whom the discourse included. The signer is always the first person.

Reflection: Subject, Object is an area where I struggle in this program. I wish I read this chapter a little sooner to be able to apply some of what I have learned in this chapter. I found this chapter to be very interesting.

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Chapter 6: Sentence Types

Baker, C. & Cokely, D. (1991). American Sign Language: A Teacher’s Resource Text on Grammar and Culture. (Pages 121 - 174) Clerc Books: Gallaudet University. Washington DC.  • A signers facial, eye gaze and head behaviors are indicators within ASL as to the function of the sentence. In ASL there are three basic sentences which are statement, questions and commands.  • Statements are the most visually simple to recognize. The absence of any special signal can indicate that it is a declarative sentence.  There are two types of questions in ASL. Yes/No questions or WH-word questions Commands are sentences that order the addressee to do something. This is usually identified by a direct eye gaze. • Finally, I will demonstrate the three different forms of sentences. In the statement sentence I will demonstrate how it will contain no questions, commands or conditionals. Reflection: This chapter was the toughest for me. Key words and terms were hard for me to explain, for example, grammatical phrases. However, I managed to make it through. Thank you for being such a down to earth teacher. Happy holidays!

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Chapter 5: Selected Sign Types

Baker, C. & Cokely, D. (1991). American Sign Language: A Teacher’s Resource Text on Grammar and Culture. (Pages 103 - 121) Clerc Books: Gallaudet University. Washington DC.  • In history, Linguist thought that nouns and verbs were all signed the same way. For example: sit and chair or car and drive. However, after more analysis was done on nouns and verbs, we now see that information was false. • To analyze nouns and verbs you can separate it into 3 different dimensions (1) Frequency (2) Directionality (3) Manner. • Frequency can be described as either a “single” movement or a “repeated” movement. (Show examples) Directionality refers to the direction the sign is moving. (Show examples) Manner could be either “continuous” (show examples) “hold” or “restrained”.  Reflection: This chapter reminded me of how hard it was for my mom growing up. She grew up in a culturally white school and was teased and picked on all the time. I have never had to experience such oppression but I image that she had to deal with similar issues of that in the Deaf culture. My mom had a rough childhood.

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Chapter 4: Sign Formation and Variation

Baker, C. & Cokely, D. (1991). American Sign Language: A Teacher’s Resource Text on Grammar and Culture. (Pages 79 - 101) Clerc Books: Gallaudet University. Washington DC.  • One makes a sign by combining a specific hand shape, palm orientation and movement in a particular location. These four things are called perameters.  • Each perameter has numerous primes. For example “A, 5, O”.  • Variations in Sign: The same as the English language; based on region, ethnic/racial group, sex or gender or age the sign can be different. Regional separation and oppression of the Deaf communities cause different signs. Reflection: I can see such a strong Deaf culture in you, Nancy. Did you grow up in a Deaf school or did you ever have to experience a mainstreamed hearing school?

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Chapter 3: English In The Deaf Community.

Baker, C. & Cokely, D. (1991). American Sign Language: A Teacher’s Resource Text on Grammar and Culture. (Pages 63-78) Clerc Books: Gallaudet University. Washington DC.  • Only about .5% of Deaf people use fingerspelling every word to represent the English language. This can be called Rochester Method or Visible English. Not all Deaf Communities use the same Manual Alphabet. • What are Codes? Invented by hearing people as a ways of communicating the English language; Braille, SEE1, SEE2, L.O.V.E, and Signed English all rely on the Syntax and Grammar of English. These manual codes are not languages.  • The original purpose of the codes; SEE1, SEE2 and Signed English was to teach Deaf children English. Reflection: Nancy, did you always want to be a teacher?

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Chapter 2: What is American Sign Language?

  Baker, C. & Cokely, D. (1991). American Sign Language: A Teacher’s Resource Text on Grammar and Culture. (Pages 47-61) Clerc Books: Gallaudet University. Washington DC.

American Sign Language is also called ASL and Ameslan. ASL is a visual-gestural language that was created by Deaf people. Deaf American and some Deaf Canadians use the language.

ASL is comprised of gestures and signs. In the past, people thought that ASL gestures were irregular and non-specific, but now after linguists have studied the language we can see that ASL does have rules for each sign.

Throughout history there have been many attempts to suppress ASL with the strict teaching of English. ASL has managed to survive because of three reasons: (1.) Oppression of the community created stronger bonds in defense of the language.  (2.) Deaf people naturally want and feel most comfortable with a visual language. (3.) Few hearing people know ASL.

Reflection: The word “Ameslan” is one that I have never seen before. Why is American Sign Language no longer referred to as Ameslan?