despairforme

[despairforme]

apparently, mantis are supposed to be able to fly. his life is some kinda fuckin scam

[despairforme]

" your hair looks good up. youse should wear it like that more often. " a pause. ( she knows how he gets. ) " not tellin' youse what t'do, just a thought. 's practical for fights, at least. "

He'd just gathered his hair up, loosely. Holding it up in place, just to see how it felt to wear it like that. He preferred to wear his hair down, because it hid just how skinny his neck was. Sure, having long hair was actually not the most practical thing with regards to fighting, but he was strong enough that he didn't need to make things easier on himself. Upon hearing the words "you should wear it like that more often", he let his hair go, and it fell perfectly back in place, framing his face like it always did. It was predictable, that he'd do the opposite of what he was told.

Not telling you what to do, the woman clarified. Too late. He didn't give a shit about "looking good" anyway. He only cared about appearing strong.

❝ Mah. Stylin' my hair or whatever 's too much of a hassle. ❞ Oh, yeah, SURE. Putting it up in a bun? SUCH a hassle!

[despairforme]

Someone shooting Nnoitra and the bullet bouncing right off his hierro, hitting the shooter. Instant karma. Chef's kiss.

[despairforme]

'' Ah, always knew you're a guy made for good deals!! ~ Now, then, since you were so kind to volunteer -- you earn yourself a free trip on Earth as mentioned, so please guide Celeste in time to the Pizza hut you have 24 hours before the coupons expire, oh yeah, and take this, '' handles him a hand-sized dagger, '' in case of emergency, just call, if you breathe on it I'll show up in reflection, and if signal goes cold just stick in into something; not someone to enhance it. '' / we are back in ur inbox in times of chaos XD

A guy made for GOOD DEALS? Well --- He didn't know about that, but hey, he definitely wasn't opposed. He was bored with nothing to do. Why not make a "good deal"? If he changed his mind, he could just walk away whenever he wanted. What was the other gonna do about it? Nothing, that's what. Nnoitra listened to the proposal.

He was going to go to the World of the Living? Nice, he liked it there. Apart from it being hard to breathe, due to the lack of reishi. His "mission" was to guide Celeste to this mysterious place/person (Nnoitra was unsure what the fuck it was), called Pizza Hut. Seemed easy enough.

A strange dagger-like object was handed to him, and he took it, holding it up to study it for a moment. From the description the other gave, he'd say it was some kind of communication devise. Oh, yeah, he'd need this for sure. He had no idea where the fuck he was going. At least he'd be going with Celeste, and not some random ass person he'd never met before.

And this whole thing would take less than 24 hours.

❝ Alright. ❞ Enthusiastic as ever.

[despairforme]

nnoitra, standing over a body: is this therapy tesla: sir with respect this is just murder

[despairforme]

Suddenly remembers how long it's been since he got laid. He's pretty sure some kinda crime has been committed here.

[despairforme]

Do the Espada get vacation days??

[despairforme]

nnoitra @ himself: no pressure, dude also nnoitra: but if not the strongest, kill self

[despairforme]

Humans are filled with liquid (blood), and can be opened so they're actually bottles. Change his mind.

[despairforme]

"Do you have any allergies? I am asking for a friend." Zariya is the friend that Zariya is asking for tbqh.

That's suspicious as fuck. ❝ Nah, I don't. ❞ He's lying, of course. But why the fuck would he willingly state his allergies? It's not as if he had any FOOD allergies. He's allergic to bug-spray, nicotine and caffeine. Leave him alone.

[despairforme]

somebody: touch some grass nnoitra, much later: what was that about grass again nnoitra, eating grass: this aint helpin

[despairforme]

love drawing nnoitra's eye <5

[despairforme]

HAPPY JUNE ( AND PRIDE ) ! ( may summary & june writing goals )

[ Yay! May was the best month of the year so far, writing-wise. I actually hit my writing goal of 10K (though I was going to write 10k for Nnoitra only---). I'm super happy with FINALLY having completed something! ;O;//

I know June will be pretty busy for me, so I will go for another modest writing goal. I will be going on a trip in July, so I should prepare for a month of little to no activity fjfjfjfj.

JUNE GOAL: 10 000 words.

I really love the month of June and I'm excited to see what it brings! Hope you're all doing good! uvu// Happy writing! ]

[despairforme]

By now, Nnoitra had gotten used to their way of communicating. He would say something, and Thranduil would not respond. His expression remained unchanged, as if he hadn't heard him at all. Nnoitra much preferred this to constant arguing. He disliked being talked back to way more than he disliked being ignored. The whole reason why he kept up with trying to get a reaction from the Elf was because he didn't mind the usual outcome of no reaction.

It wasn't like he enjoyed philosophical discussions such as this one. He wasn't smart. He didn't have any deep insights, OR a real desire to share his thoughts. Nobody cared about his opinions. Not to mention thinking too hard on his own existence brought him nothing but misery.

When Thranduil turned to leave, Nnoitra wasn't surprised. This was how their interactions always ended. Seemed the other didn't enjoy philosophical chats either - which Nnoitra might've assumed he would enjoy, seeing as the other always talked in a very flowery fashion, the complete opposite to Nnoitra's direct tone. Cultural differences, probably. In Hueco Mundo, there was never a time for a friendly talk, so if you wanted to get your message across, you better make it brief. Nnoitra followed the Elf with his single eye, and the other stopped - to for once actually speak to him, instead of just walking away without a word.

Ah - they had completely different opinions here. Thranduil was of the mind that it was external factors that determined whether or not one would personally view one's immortality as a curse or a blessing. Of course, as a HOLLOW, Nnoitra thought it was the other way around. You were either cursed or blessed from the get-go. For him, a CURSED being, there was no hope. There never had been, and there never would be. He was born with a soul that could not be saved. Didn't want to be saved. Nnoitra WISHED he could've shared Thranduil's view of immortality. That all you needed to lift the curse was to obtain things that made life worth living. He could never have that. The only path for him to walk was one towards the best day in his life ; which would be the day he took his final breath.

He felt more distant from the Elf right now than he ever had before. Even if the other had stopped and bothered to speak to him ( for once! ). Not that he'd ever felt any sort of kinship with him. Just envy. Or maybe just hunger.

If he wanted to eat him, he could. He could stop him from walking away. Grab him. Hold him down. Rip him open. He probably looked just as beautiful when he was bleeding out. Nnoitra could do whatever he wanted to him, because he was stronger. Shoulders turned slightly, as if he would follow him. He could close the distance within a second. But he didn't. He remained in place, looking only at the other's silver hair, and his back. The robes moved gently in the wind.

"If   it   is   my   hatred   you   desire,   then   worry   not.   I   can   dial   that   up   a   notch   too   if   paths   cross   again   in   the   future. "

Yeah, Thranduil was right. The elf was born to hate him. Because they were different to their core. Nnoitra knew how their interactions would end. Some petty words born from hatred would trigger his anger - and he would kill him.

Nnoitra didn't want that.

If he'd wanted that, he would've done so already. Today. Right now, with the other more vulnerable than ever, showing him his back as if begging to be sliced in half.

Among all the non-Hollow Nnoitra had interacted with throughout his life, he'd spent the most time with Thranduil, as insane as that sounded in his head. That had to be why he didn't want to see him dead.

And if he didn't want to see him dead, that meant he couldn't see him at all.

❝ We won't see each other again. ❞ He knew Thranduil wouldn't turn around. Knew he didn't care. Knew he wouldn't miss him. It had been all fun and games, right? Just Nnoitra playing. It was time to quit while his very fragile toy was still breathing. Nnoitra wasn't going to say something dramatic like: I don't want ya 'ta die, so I'm leavin'. He didn't need Thranduil to know that, in a way, he was protecting him. Maybe because Nnoitra had a hard time admitting to himself that that was what he was doing. After all - WHY would he give a shit whether or not the other died? It didn't matter. This was the last time they'd see each other. So it didn't matter.

Rarely   did   Nnoitra   say   anything   at   all   to   warrant   a   second   thought   yet   for   the   second   time   this   day,   his   words   had   proven   enough   to   give   the   king   some   cause   to   pause.

"...your   immortality's   a   gift   while   mine's   a   curse..."

Thran's   expression   remained   void   of   anything   telling   yet   the   Elf   king   found   himself   pondering   those   words   rather   deeply;   ---so   much   so   that   he   had   to   wonder   if   Nnoitra's   words   held   true.   He   could   not   speak   for   Nnoitra's   existence.   He   had   the   attitude   of   a   certified   monster   most   days   and   if   there   was   more   to   him   than   that,   Thranduil   could   not   claim   to   know   any   better.   So   Nnoitra's   idea   that   his   own   immortality   was   a   curse   was   lost   upon   Thranduil.   He   rather   thought   Nnnoitra   was   delighted   at   the   idea   of   being   immortal.   After   all,   he   didn't   waste   a   moment   bragging   about   his   near   insatiable   lust   for   battle   and   blood   with   the   occasional   snack   on   the   side.   Nothing   he   ever   said   to   Thranduil   would   allude   he   didn't   enjoy   the   idea   of   a   lifetime   of   war   and   spoils.   It   seemed   his   nature   (or   perhaps   that   was   only   what   Thranduil   allowed   himself   to   see)   and   Thranduil   would   not   think   much   more   on   the   matter.

On   the   other   hand...   what   of   his   own   take   on   immortality?   Did   he   himself   think   it   a   blessing?   If   he   were   truly   honest   with   himself   then   he   wasn't   sure   he   viewed   it   as   a   gift   or   curse.   It   was   merely   the   nature   of   things   and   whether   or   not   one   found   it   a   cursed   was   a   matter   of   perspective.   Thranduil   was   both   sides   of   the   coin.   Being   immortal   meant   it   was   never   too   late   to   right   wrongs   or   build   kingdoms   as   they   should   be   presented.   In   the   same   breath,   the   world   was   constantly   changing   and   evolving.   He   had   to   wonder   if   there   would   ever   come   a   time   when   his   people   did   not   belong   anywhere.   The   thought   was   frightening,   as   was   the   idea   of   losing   another   person   he   loved   to   death.   Living   with   that   pain   for   an   eternity   with   nothing   to   fill   the   void   was   some   of   the   worst   pain   imaginable. 

Of   course,   he   would   never   tell   HIM   that,   but   the   thought   had   his   own   gaze   faltering   slightly   as   he   looked   over   his   lands.   He   was   so   lost   in   his   musings   that   he   nearly   missed   Nnoitra's   next   words,   laced   in   his   own   brand   of   humor.   He   supposed   the   tone   is   what   jarred   him   the   most;   the   lightheartedness   following   the   cruelty   of   Thranduil's   own   words.   He   half   expected   the   arrancar   to   frown;   to   throw   it   back   at   him   in   his   own   cruel   manner,   but   when   that   did   not   happen   he   found   Tauriel's   words   echoing   in   his   head   like   a   bad   dream.

"I   know   interest   when   I   see   it   father.   Why   ELSE   would   he   put   up   with   you?" "Boredom.   Immortality   can   grow   rather   tedious." "Yes,   well,   I   would   say   he   isn't   your   type   but   I   wouldn't   know.   It's   been   five   thousand   years   since   your   last---" "Careful,   Tauriel.   I've   no   patience   for   insolence." "You've   no   patience   for   anything.   Your   heart's   as   grey   as   the   eyes   you   look   through.   You'll   be   beautiful   forever...   but   alone."

Why   was   he   thinking   about   THAT   at   a   time   like   this?   Ugh.

He   turned   swiftly   on   his   heel   with   the   intent   to   leave   Nnoitra   be,   his   long   robes   sweeping   the   ground   as   he   moved.   His   hair   on   the   other   hand,   remained   unchanged;   perfectly   nestled   down   his   back   per   usual.   He   would   venture   a   few   steps   away   but   suddenly   pause,   deciding   that   perhaps   he   could   leave   some   parting   words   even   if   his   head   was   telling   him   not   to.

"Immortality   is   often   viewed   as   a   curse,   but   I   believe   it's   a   matter   of   perspective.   To   the   man   who   has   everything...   a   loving   husband   or   wife...   a   family...   friends   to   share   it   with...   immortality   just   might   be   perceived   as   a   blessing.   But   what   if   you   have   nothing?   Have   lost   others?   Have   witnessed   them   wasting   away   while   you   yet   live?   What   if   you   have   no   purpose?   What   if...   you   merely   exist   and   nothing   more?   Such   things   might   challenge   your   idea   of   immortality   and   thus   dictate   which   side   of   the   argument   you   stand."   And   he   would   not   give   an   answer   out   loud;   merely   leave   it   hanging   in   the   air   as   something   to   think   about.

"If   it   is   my   hatred   you   desire,   then   worry   not.   I   can   dial   that   up   a   notch   too   if   paths   cross   again   in   the   future.   It   shouldn't   be   too   difficult.   You   do   make   it   rather   easy   most   visits."   His   tone   was   neutral   making   it   difficult   to   decipher   his   feelings,   but   such   rolled   off   the   tongue   with   practiced   ease.   This   neutrality   often   frustrated   others,   but   that   was   the   idea.   Frustrate   someone   enough   and   they   would   stop   bothering.   It   was   only   a   matter   of   time   he   imagined.

[despairforme]

[despairforme]

therapist: okay, nnoitra, what would make your life better? nnoitra, instantly: killing myself therapist: try again nnoitra: killing other people therapist: try again, third time's the charm nnoitra, stabbing the therapist: killing YOU nnoitra: yup, feeling better already

[despairforme]

I'm not sure if your fellow Espada have ever told you, but dear Nnoitra you have the most beautiful hair.

-Itsuki Kagerou, Visored

Nah, his fellow Espada had never told him that. That being said - he had gotten compliments about his hair before. Sure, hearing nice things wasn't something he was going to complain about, but --- He fucking WISHED he could get compliments that actually mattered. Who the fuck CARED if his hair was "beautiful" or not? He had the longest hair among the Espada at this point ( since Nelliel wasn't around anymore, thank fuck ), but the most beautiful? Nah, wasn't that Harribel? Her blonde hair was really pretty. Even Nnoitra, who wasn't one to notice beauty all that easily, could tell that she had nice hair. His own hair was just long. Long and heavy, hence why it fell so perfectly to frame his face. He kept it long for symbolic reasons. Back when he'd battled Nelliel, he'd kept his hair short, and cut it angrily when he'd lost to her ( that would be the reason why it had been so choppy ) - now, he could grow it out. It was a little annoying, having long hair ( it got in the way ), but, yeah --- He enjoyed it.

❝ Nah, nobody ever told me that. ❞ So thanks for the confidence boost? As if. He wasn't going to thank this random ass stranger for being weird about his looks. Especially since the stranger called him "dear Nnoitra". That was fucked up. / @itsuki-kagerou .