detourque

[detourque]

Sunday, January 12th 2020

Had my alarm set for 7AM but kept hitting snooze until 9:30AM. Got ready, decided to tone down my outfit since I’ll also be meeting my co-worker’s wife.

Filled up on gas, drove to the restaurant.Got there early and made plans to stop by Ranch 99 for groceries and then maybe Whole Foods for a vegan cake. Turns out David and his wife also got there early. His wife was super friendly. David gave me updates on the old job. Told me he got a phone interview and Ben just had an interview too. Told him I’m really enjoying my new job and that I really like my team. Told his wife about all the benefits the government gives. Gave him the spiel of what I do. Went to Ranch 99 and bought some groceries. Tofu, green onion, carrots, mushroom, bell peppers, instant noodles, crackers, lychee jelly. Went to Whole Foods. Scouted for some cake. Messaged Aaron about throwing a mini surprise for Kirk. Bought the cake. Drove home. Put away the food. Gave my mom an update of how the lunch went. Prepped my lunch for the week- veggie stir fry. Did dishes. Tidied my room. Updated my planners, both financial and personal. Brandon messaged they were meeting at 6PM. Messaged I’ll pick up Vincent around 7PM and meet up with Brandon at his house. They plan on going to In N Out. Showered, came down, and ate a bit with family. Picked up Vincent, joked about having a timeshare on the bomber jacket that he wants. Turns out Karen couldn’t make it, but Bryan and Alvin were there. Drove to In N Out and then Brandon said he’ll go for Panda Express while Vincent went for Chipotle since we just recently had In N Out. Bryan said we should just go for sushi instead, drove to Cha Cha only to see it was closed. Then drove to Okayama that closes at 9PM.

Said I’d cover for Brandon. Ordered two rolls, Brandon ordered a salmon bowl, Bryan a bento. Vincent got Hawaiian while Alvin got salmon too. Learned Tiffany is living with Patrick, while Patrick is still living with his ex. Had to buy movie tickets last minute due to Florante’s unpredictable schedule. Apparently we have the worst seats... but oh well lol.

On the drive back to Brandon’s, Bryan told us his random stories. How his superior told them about people shoving aderral up their butts. Debated if boots were above the ankles and had to be steel toed. Said most of the recruits were from Texas. Very few girls in the military.

Dropped off Vincent at his house. On the way, he told me how Mimi and him had a reunion with all their game friends two years ago at Six Flags. He said it was bad since a friend gave her pins of a character she loved and pinned them all on her lanyard, but during a ride dropped it. So they only rode on 2 rides and spent the rest looking for it.

Got home, ate some chocolate cake, chose what I’ll wear for tomorrow. Its 10PM I should get ready for bed soon.

[detourque]

Saturday, December 11th 2020

Got out of bed last minute around 10AM. Texted Kavi I’d be a bit late.

Got there with a few minutes to spare. Waited a few minutes, then tried to call her only to realize I didn’t have her number. Put our names down and they said it’ll take 20 minutes. Scrolled through our old fb chat back 3 years to find her number. Called her twice, she picked up on the second and said she’ll be on her way. Apparently she lost track of time.

She came right when our name got called. Oh maaaan so much to catch up on. So Kavi got her masters in one year, then worked on campus on one year, then got an offer from Google, and then LinkedIn reached out to her. Like damn, her salary just skyrocketed. And Google didn’t pay as well as I thought. She said her goal end of the year was to be off contracts and have benefits.

Updated her how I took forever in school, worked in construction, and then in my stressful job, and then finally work in government. Told her I had a total quarter life crisis. And it was surprisingly nice, we were totally upfront about how much we make. I told her she could just look up my salary.

Probably overstayed our welcome. Oh, I ordered eggs benedict and she ordered a veggie skillet. We shared. Decided to go on a walk on the hills next to my house. I thought Kavi was super into hiking, but she says she’s totally out of shape and just drives up to scenic places LOL. And Lilian invited her to climb Mission Peak the same day too but found someone else. Kavi seemed excited when she said “cool, now I have you to hang out with too”. Said she mostly met up with college friends once in a while, which is pretty much the same with me. I’ve been mainly alternating visits to SF and Sac. Learned Lilian is living with and dating a girl. Told her Michelle was married to Graham and her face was priceless. Updated her that my cousin moved down to SoCal.

Oh, and Kavi told me totally last minute that she had a boyfriend!!! I had to ask if she dated anyone, and she said she got with her TA after graduating. They talked for a year, and then got together. Sounds like a wholesome guy. White. Pursuing his PhD, but doesn’t want to work in tech. Wants to be a homemaker/cook. Has lots of cookbooks and is into boardgames. Sounds like he’d get along with my friends. Kavi said he doesn’t have much friends though. After hiking for a while, walked to a park near my house. Kavi told me she went skydiving and I told her I wanted to do it. Apparently its a lot more affordable than I thought - hers cost $100, but said it could be as cheap as $50.Invited her to join some friends for boardgames. Her phone died, so we carpooled. Got to David’s place and Mimi invited us to come in. Looked like a true bachelor pad. Met David and his brother Steve. David was just up for the weekend from LA, where he’s working at a theme park and wants to pursue music.

Played Codegames and Davids never played it before. Played a couple rounds and then started Betrayal of the House or something like that. Dropped off Kavi in the middle of the game, and then we went to Chick-fil-A. Met up with Andrew and Angela. Learned about the drama with David on the way there. Apparently a lot of friends covered for David since he didn’t work. And he didn’t work or go to school for a while. He didn’t even make music. Yikes. Met back up at David’s house. Said bye to everyone. Came home. And basically laid on my bed... couldn’t sleep. I think its the soda. Guess I have to treat it like boba now.

[detourque]

Man I was totally jamming to music on the way to work today. Basically having a party on my commute haha.

So many plans for the upcoming weekends. Mimi texted me inviting me to karaoke this weekend but I’m busy in the mornings so I’ll be joining them for boardgames in the evening. Going to have brunch with Kavi Saturday morning at Bill’s Cafe 11AM. Just need to hash out plans with David on where’s we’re having lunch Sunday. Don’t know if I’ll even have time to get my safety shoes this weekend lol.

Don’t think I’ll even have time to read, play Fire Emblem, or start my shoujo blog... Guess I overextended myself. I mean I’ve been wanting people to hang out with over the weekends, but I think I overdid it. I’m definitely not a super social person who hangs out all weekend every weekend. I think I’m happiest when I had something routine set up with my college friends like every Friday night and maybe every other Saturday. All super casual. I liked just having boardgame or dinner nights.

[detourque]

Monday, January 6th 2020

My highlight of the day was climbing up a ladder to the roof. Set the alarm slightly earlier at 6:17AM to account for the traffic now that the holidays are over. Wellllll I got up last min at 6:50AM anyways. Made a mad dash to put on contacts, make coffee, boil water, pack lunch and dress up. Got out the door by 7:10. Not bad. Got to work on time. Kirk was already in his cube. Sent out some reminder emails. Then Coach came by and said there’s a meeting with WSE at 10:30, which will be after our division meeting. Talked a bit with Kirk, turns out he was sick the whole break.

Drew sped through the division meeting. Things are starting to make sense to me now. Went to the MEP meeting with Coach. There were 3 engineers and an architect. And also the president of WSE - Bianca. Super friendly. Walked to the concession sites and the engineers and architect surveyed the space. The engineers were super easy to talk to, I guess since we’re on the same level haha. There was one for plumbing, electrical, and mechanical. The architect was from another firm, said there’s only four people in it. He has the same name as my brother, but its spelled differently. He said he’s unusual since he’s been at the company for 10 years which is not common for our generation. He looks really young. He asked if I just graduated, since he knew I was new. When he learned I was only 2 months in, he’s like wow you’re really fresh. Told him I’ve been working over a year. My first job was in construction, and then I got into manufacturing working in a clean room. He seems slightly taken aback when he asked what I studied and I answered mechanical engineering. I guess civil was the more expected answer. I think he mentioned that I could work at AECOM if things didn’t work out. But I told him I really like my team and the environment so far. Took him back to the office and gave him my business card and Kirk helped answer some of his questions about the TI projects. Kirk asked if he was local, but unfortunately he’s not. Ate a late lunch at 1:30PM. Got to my desk at 2PM to hunt for some drawings when Coach stopped by and asked if I was busy. Told him I wasn’t at all. Went to the interim facility and climbed up the roof to check out a space for a tenant who wanted to install a satellite dish. Also sweeped inside the building for any circuit breakers thats been tripped. Went to the electrical room, but it happened to be crammed full of equipment so we had to climb over them to reach the circuit breakers and reset them. Walked back. Learned Coach went to MIT but in the Phillipines. Said it was the best engineering school in Asian if you wanted to study engineering in English. Told him I knew an engineer also from MIT in the philipines when I was at my previous company. Learned Benjamin was also from MIT in the Philipines.

Got back, rescheduled my meeting with Kirk and Aaron. Told Kirk of my misadventures with Coach. Then Drew stopped by to discuss about some art project installation in the terminal. Need to log it in as a TI project when sharepoint is back online. Left around 6PM. Definitely more traffic than before. Got home, showered. Came down at ate dinner, which was mostly leftovers.

[detourque]

Sunday, January 5th, 2020

Fucked up my sleeping schedule again. Went to bed around 7AM, but couldn’t sleep. Laid in bed until 1:30PM. Showered. Parents came back with some leftovers from PF Changs. Ate it, it was super salty. Put away dishes, washed my coffee cups, made rice, and started meal prepping. Going to have cucumbers and fried rice for lunch tomorrow. Updated my instagram. Gotta keep up that update streak yo!

Man, some plans got completely derailed. Sleep is messed up. Didn’t catch up on work like I planned to. Didn’t get to play as much Fire Emblem as I’d like. Or write for my shoujo blog. But at least I got to catch up with some friends I haven’t seen in a long long time. Oh, and Hawaii mentioned his housemate horror stories and that gave me some very unpleasant flashbacks. He was trying to recruit me to join and said Anh and Alyssa will most likely join, but I’m very hesitant. Well the move in date is before my probation end date, so I won’t be joining. And I want to save up my own place so I can keep it nice and empty haha. Oh and Hawaii was somewhat surprised when I told him my cousin moved down to SoCal to be with her bf, and that they’ve been together for 2 years haha. Her relationship is longer than any of Hawaii’s 9. So much for being a player I guess? Need to make my fried rice. Don’t know if I’ll be able to get any work done for tomorrow. But remembered my manager doesn’t come in until later in the week I think so I might be safe? I’ll just do some more work when I come home tomorrow to catch up.

Oh yeah, I want to do a typing test, I think Quang says he types 80-something words per minute.

Reached out to Mimi and told her it was nice meeting her yesterday and to update me when they have a date planned to watch movies. Super nice girl. Also finally replied to Shelby since I’m a horrible friend and am pretty unresponsive overall.

[detourque]

(2/2)

Hawaii, Vincent and I lingered out of my car talking for quite a bit, so we decided to chill at Vincent’s afterwards. Vincent said that Brandon’s been more flakey lately with Nancy and Amanda so he hasn’t been invited to anything anymore, but its understandable considering Brandon isn’t working so he’s broke. Told Vincent and Hawaii I need to go on food runs more often. They seemed surprised I only grabbed food with Brandon when I got back, but it was because Bryan couldn’t make it.

Hawaii talked more at length about Graham. Can’t recall all the details. But Michelle also apparently had an abusive bf almost all of college, for about 3 years. She got with him when she was a freshman, and the guy was a grad student she met while she worked at the lab. Urghhhh sodijfaoids;ofajas. She’s exactly like a shoujo protagonist girl whose super passive and keeps getting in questionable relationships where guys are super controlling and dominating. Like... why. You’re a freshman going for a grad student?? I noped out of that preposition so fast Freshman year. Apparently he kept pressuring her to do stuff she didn’t want to do, like sleep with her. Sigh. I guess its a common girl problem. I pointed out earlier at Brandon’s that at one of Michelle’s birthday party, Tiffany and I were the only girls there. I said its because we have a stronger personality, and most girls would not go out of their way that hard just for a friendship when the other party doesn’t care to reciprocate at all. Hawaii still seems totally enamored with her, and said that she’s a pretty girl and a lot of guys around her so most girls don’t want to be friends with her. But I pointed Nancy had like every single guy like her, but she had friends that were girls. But Nancy also wasn’t as crazy passive as Michelle. Hawaii mentioned that he’s dated 9 girls. Vincent’s count is like 5. Mine is basically 2 lol. Mentioned how my cousin should join the convo since she has way more interesting stories than me. Like how she tried to find a fling in SF through tinder but all the guys were only interested in serious relationships which wouldn’t work since she was gonna study abroad in Korea the following month lol. And she did quite a few hookups abroad. Hawaii only slept with people post college, so I was quite surprised. And he knew it was taboo at least, but he never used protection (sigh). I told them my first time was on a boat and the condom broke. Since my ex used an expired condom and they laughed rofl. Mentioned my last ex was sort of controlling, had jealousy and anger issues. Went through my phone and didn’t like me hanging out with my guy friends.

I remember in Brandon’s car earlier, when I was trying to summarize my past few years, Vincent commented that I seem to never catch a break and my life is a constant roller coaster when Brandon said I didn’t catch a break since high school haha. Confessed I honestly never really liked the guy and Vincent was perplexed why I was even with the guy so long. Told them that I met him on tinder and I didn’t want anything serious but he persistently asked me to be his gf so I gave in after 3 months. I knew from the start it wouldn’t work out. Like he didn’t like how I dressed and how I wore short shorts. Hawaii and Vincent were shocked, but they were totally cool with how I dressed, probably because they know how nerdy I am haha. Oh, and I updated Hawaii that Evie is married to the college anime club president and that she wears the pants, Hawaii was like thats not a surprise, he’s the anime club president. I also told them the story of how Brandon N. went full Asian Dad went Evie told us she slept with her now fiance in the first month lol. Went home around 7AM since Vincent was gonna pass out lol.

[detourque]

I don’t want to forget nights like these. (1/2)

So drove to Brandon’s house after I started up my wordpress for the shoujo blog. Got to his place, his dad opened the door since he thought I was USPS lol. Knocked on Brandon’s door and then he said we need to pick up Vincent. His mom opened the door, and turns out Vincent was showering, so we chilled in his room for a bit.

Vincent came out, went to In N Out. Decided to eat there while the food was fresh. Caught up with each other. Turns out Vincent recently finished a 6 month IT certification program and then found an IT job at a staffing job. He really enjoys it. 4 year uni just didn’t work out for him, so he’s really happy this path worked out for him. Learned Jackie is an event manager at Google. Told him how I went from construction to manufacturing to government lol. Good god, 2019 has been a wild year.

Got to Brandon’s place and met Edwin’s friends. Turns out they were having hotpot. Also met Vincent’s friend Cindy, who goes by “Mimi”. Finally met Peter who also works in the same office as I do, but in finance. He apparently reviews contracts and says he’s not use to such a slow workplace. Says he only does 2 hours of work, and then has nothing else to do lol. I feel like I have plenty to do honestly, and a lot to catch up on. He says most of his department is also new. Jeremy started the same time as me. But Michelle started in March. He started in September, so about a month before me. I got the impression he worked there a lot longer. He also comes off as a lot more mild mannered and introverted than I thought he would be, for some reason I got the impression he would be super extroverted and outgoing. Says most people don’t stay in the city and use it as a jumping board to the county or better paying cities. Honestly, since I’ve had so many shitty jobs in the past, I don’t have the grass is greener syndrome. I love my coworkers and the environment, so I want to stay where I’m at haha. Well, if anything, I’ll re-evaluate in 5 years after I earn my pension haha.

Told Peter more than I probably should, like how my department is so tight knit and we hold a lot of parties. He was surprised Aida and Erica also joined in. Then again, Peter sounds like he doesn’t plan on staying in the long term. Oh, and their department doesn’t do AWS, so thank goodness for my department.

Talked a bit to Mimi whose about 3 years younger than us? She is quite tall though. She met Vincent 2 years ago through online games and lives in the neighboring town, so not far. She’s also into shoujos like Skip Beat, Kaichou maid sama. She’s also read Nana before. Got her number. Vincent invited to go watch some anime movies with them sometimes. Oh and Mimi mentioned that her family goes to Vegas a lot. Sweet. I asked if I could tag along sometimes haha.

Play some Cobra Paws which was pretty fun but a lot harder than I thought since it relies on fast reaction time. Andrew, Angela, and Mimi dominated the game - Andrew ultimately won though. Played a few rounds of exploding kittens, and then Hawaii finally arrived super late. Turns out he was hanging out with his girlfriend who goes to Davis. Scolded him and said he should’ve just brought her along. Also turns out he’s living with 5 housemates, and not at home lol.

Then we played Code Names which was super fun. I probably enjoyed that the most. I think I was always on the winning team lol. Right when we were about to play another game of Exploding Kittens, Hawaii started ranting about Graham. And oooohhh boy. So much info. Hawaii worded it as Graham “legally kidnapped” Michelle. But basically Michelle cut off all contact with her family and left with no documents and got married to Graham. So she’s having a hard time finding a job since she doesn’t have any of her documents. And Graham files her as a dependent eeeek. The worst part is she’s socially  isolated, doesn’t have her own phone, social media etc so its impossible to reach her and parents event filed a police report or something. Or maybe Hawaii didn’t confirm that. Oh geez what is she doing. Crazy to think I use to go to her house every weekend. Left Brandon’s house around 1AM.

[detourque]

Saturday, January 4th 2020

First weekend of the New Year.

Had my alarm set for 9:30AM, but uhhhh somehow I ended up get out of bed at 1PM. Urgh.

Came downstairs and ate the same thing as we had for dinner last night as breakfast. Oxtail noodle soup and leftover Vietnamese pastries. Did dishes. Went to the nearby plaza to drop off clothes at the dry cleaner’s, picked up some comics and CDs at the library, and bought groceries for the week. Got home around 4PM. Put away groceries. Going to head to Brandon’s at 6PM, so I’ll probably shower beforehand. Going to attempt starting my shoujo blog in the hour or so I have left.

[detourque]

Friday, January 3rd 2020

Excited to start playing games again! Got up at 6:30 AM. I’ll probably have to get up earlier for work now, since the holidays are over and traffic will be back to normal. Got to work. I’m actually running on more sleep, so I actually didn’t doze off on reading the contracts as much. Told everyone that today is the day for ice cream lol. Since I brought ice cream in yesterday but didn’t have the time to take it out. Today’s a better day anyways since its Friday.

Oh and Helen recognized I had the Passion Planner right away! Turns out she has one too. So uncanny lol.

Around 11AM Coach asked if we wanted to go to Ike’s. Quang and I tagged along. Was surprised to learn that Coach listened to rap in the car, and Doja Cat’s Juicy was playing LOL. Learned that Coach’s son first attended UC Santa Cruz and then transferred to my university and studied business and econ. He’s a pilot in the Navy currently. He said he spoiled his son growing up, got all the latest games, private tutors, a new Hummer in high school, MMA lessons. But he said his son turned out well.

Got back, did some more work, then took out the ice cream. Had a better turnout than I thought. Aida thought there wouldn’t be enough to go around, but there was even some leftover. Surprised Cary even came out, even if only for a split second. I guess it was somewhat of a novelty since it was dairy free ice cream, and made of Coconut Milk. Helen seemed pretty chauffed. And even Quang who is lactose intolerant could eat it too. Aida, Bobbie, Seerit, Quang, Helen, Steve, Coach, and Jose joined in. I asked Erica and Cary if they wanted any.

In typical fashion, Coach rushed to wash all the dishes. Guess I didn’t have to do much work at all.

Sat around the table with Steve, Quang, and Helen discussed ABGs. Helen said her god daughters informed of this new trend called VSCO girls, who have hydroflasks and scrunchies and use reusable straws. Sounds like a good trend at least? Told them my friends say I dress like a Seattle hipster. Quang was confused, but I told him I wear my construction outfits to work since it just stuck with me since it was my first job out of college. Jeans, polo, fleece jacket and work boots every day for me haha.

Got back to work. Ended up being the last person to leave, so I printed out a whole bunch of documents. Felt guilty printing them when everyone was around since I didn’t want to hog the printer. Got home around 7pm. Mom made oxtail soup and dad brought home some Vietnamese pastries. Showered. Coordinated with Brandon on when to meet up tomorrow. Plan on meeting him at his house at 6PM to grab In N Out and then start board games at 7PM. Did laundry. Planned out the day for tomorrow. Its already past 11PM and my laundry still isn’t finished. Didn’t even start my game yet. Well even just playing 10 minutes counts as starting right?

[detourque]

Thursday, January 2nd 2020

First day of work in the new year. Got up at 6:30 AM. Good thing that traffic is still light in the mornings so I can sleep in a bit. Made coffee. Packed a banana and PB&J snack. Remembered to bring the dairy free ice cream for the coworkers. Enjoyed my commute to work. And right after I put the ice cream away, the fire alarm went off. I was so confused as to what to do lol. Followed Czar and Erica. Erica said it might be an actual fire. Only 4 of us from the department were present for the fire alarm. Seerit, Quang, Steve, and Helen came in afterwards. Told Erica my goal was to sleep more, and told her what high school I went to, the overcrowding and lotto system, living with all the family members, and reconnecting with my middle school friend. She told me she went on a hike with her daughter (she like carried her on her back the whole way!) and that she’s making a lot of changes this year, like staying sober, losing weight. She says she has no time to take care of herself these days. Understandably, since she’s a busy working mom. Walked back. Was on a productive streak trying to scan through 224 pages of documents. Aida started playing music but had to tell her it to lower it lol. Took a break, and then got a stroke of inspiration to start a comic. Spent more time than I should brainstorming ideas for it. Grabbed lunch with Seerit, Helen, and Quang at Sweet Tomato. Had some salad, corn bread, pizza bread, and clam chowder.

Quang mentioned something about this being his first stable job out of college, and I confessed I've been crying tears of happiness the past few weeks LOL. Maybe thats too much to divulge to a coworker. Told him I totally fucked up my cover letter since it was a rush job and I applied on the last day - I typed the date wrong rofl. Seerit mentioned wanting to visist the Hoover Dam and we were all down. Briefly mentioned senior project. Told them about my allergies (so sad yo). Also asked when I wanted to go on AWS - the consensus appears to start right after probation. Helen joked about me using the excuse of “I’m pregnant” to explain why I can’t drink rooooofffl.

Got back at 2PM... and was not so productive. Oh, Brandon got back to me asking if Saturday night was okay for boardgames. I said I was down. Need to reach out to David to confirm when we’re grabbing lunch.

Left around 5:30PM. Traffic is starting to get bad as more people are coming back to work I guess. Got home, went straight to shower. Ate dinner. Did dishes. Reached out to David, he said next Sunday for dim sum works best. Looks like next weekend will be packed - lunch with Kavi on Saturday and lunch with David on Sunday. Hanging out with Brandon this weekend, and I also plan on starting my shoujo blog and getting my work safety shoes. We’ll see how much I get done. Set up my budget planner. And now its 10PM. Should really get ready for bed. I slept waaaaay too late last night. And I really need to squeeze in a productive day tomorrow.

[detourque]

Wednesday, January 1st 2020

New Year Day. Alarm went off at 8:30 AM. Got up at 11:30 though. Was hungry so made instant noodles. Then learned from Mom on how to make sushi. By the time we cleaned up, it was around 2PM. Neighbor stopped by to pick up their mail. Learned their daughter is at Berkeley studying CS. Did dishes. Started an instagram for my 365 photo challenge. Was a struggle since it kept rejecting my emails and usernames. Apparently 15 million people are registered? No wonder its so hard to find an unused username. Uploaded a photo of our New Year Meal sushi lunch.

Attempted to tackle some goals I made last night through Day Zero project, where you set 101 goals to complete in 1001 days, which translates to a lil more than 2.5 years. I set up 46 goals to start with, ranging from blogging every day to getting a tattoo haha.

Figured I could knock out finding out my blood type. Went through my family’s medical files, found my birth certificate stating I was born in Mountain View on Thursday at 8:38 AM on Cinco de Mayo. Found my immunization records. But no record of my blood type. Guess I’ll have to find out on my next general health check up. Hoping to set something up within the next month or two.

Organized my bookshelf into books I have read and books I haven’t read. I actually read a surprisingly large chunk of it. A lot were books I read a long long time ago, but I’d like to read again. I put some books I’m not really interested in reading anytime soon in the garage. Speaking of the garage, its so full of crap. Really want to take a weekend clearing stuff out of the garage and donating some items. I swear my family are hoarders.

I have about 11 books in my catalogue of need to read. I guess I can pick one book to re-read so that makes 12 books, and I can aim to read one book a month. Lets see how that goes. Showered. Put away clothes that were hanging to dry. Put coffee in my new coffee pot. Pretty excited to use it tomorrow.

Set up my new calendar and printed out my goal list - taped that on my wall. Also taped up the list of company holidays.

My goal was to sleep by 11PM today, but I have a feeling that won’t happen.

[detourque]

Stream of consciousness:

Things are starting to look up in my life right now

I don’t really have any complaints at the moment

but I’ve struggled for so long, its been kind of hard to accept that... things are okay

struggling has been part of my identity for so long, I almost don’t know how to be myself without struggling

i have so much emotional baggage

struggled all of middle school, high school, college, and one year post grad

have so much self doubt, self esteem totally crushed

hate my dad, scared about any resemblances i have with him

difficult time making friends

question my abilities

lots of anxiety

scared of not belonging, fitting in

scared of being myself, being rejected

not really affiliated with any orientation, leaning asexual

feel like I’m somewhat socially isolated, but realize I haven’t really been putting effort in building my relationships

in middle school I was ostracized from my friend group

in high school I was singled out and ostracized

didn’t have any emotional support in high school

parents only had high academic expectations of me

in college, finally found a friend group

I’m just really socially awkward in general

its confusing since I have guys liking me, but I didn’t really have friends

I just really want friends, I don’t want a boyfriend

in college i just really questioned my ability

first job out of college i was ostracized

cried about how my manager treated me

second job I really questioned my ability

finally have my dream job, but feel like i can’t relax yet

its jarring, my experiences. I’m not used to people being nice to me

need to work on self, pick up some hobbies, make friends

build a new life

[detourque]

Not going to lie, I’ve been crying tears of happiness every few nights. I’ve been struggling so long, its almost like I have to relearn how to be okay. Its almost like my brain doesn’t know how to process not being in a fight or flight response mode. It all sounds so ridiculous but its been hard to accept that... it might turn out okay. I’ve been barely scrapping by for 14 years. I’ve somehow survived. I’ve hit rock bottom more times than I could count. I doubted myself every step of the way. My self worth and my self esteem has been destroyed. And now I’m finally able to catch a break and pick up all the pieces thats been laying on the ground. Its a relief and terrifying at the same time. The worst is over, but I’m so scared that something will knock it out of my hands any moment. Its like I can’t let down my guard, and I can’t let myself relax yet. I probably needed a therapist 10 years ago, but I can actually finally afford one now. But this time its to learn and accept how to be... happy again. I’m having a real hard time articulating my thoughts and feelings, but I guess the more I write it out, the better I’ll be in communicating how I feel inside. Or at least that’s the hope.

I guess surviving was only half the battle. Recovery is another.

[detourque]

Tuesday, December 31st 2019

Had the alarm set for 8:30 but hit snooze and lounged in bed until around 11am. Its so hard to get up in the morning when its cold.

Thought crap, I was suppose to have a productive morning, but I did nothing half the day. Looked in the fridge for food. Asked mom how to steam the leftover pork buns in the fridge. Had one for breakfast. Googled around for a sleek angled bob haircut. After I found a few I liked, took the clothes I need to dry clean and drove to the nearby plaza. Turns out the dry cleaner was closed, but at least the barber was open. It was packed. Apparently an hour wait, but figured I wasn’t in a rush anyways. Messaged David about meeting up for lunch sometime soon. Said he’ll bring his wife along too. The barber I had was super friendly. Told me her daughter originally was in the police academy and then decided to study phlebotomy, and that her son is going to trade school to become a motorcycle mechanic. Told her I work for the city and with building code compliance. After I got my hair cut, drove to Target to pick up some stuff. Got what I intended to get: tylenol, storage bin, face towels, and hair ties. Also picked up a blue sweater, underwear, and sheer thigh highs. Went home and was hungry, so toasted some bread to dip with olive oil and balsamic vinegar. Also got some dill dauce and smoked salmon too. Mom ended up joining me too. Messaged Shelby, Jessica, and Kavi. Plan on meeting up with Kavi next weekend. Oh, and Brandon invited me to play board games this weekend. Called Vanguard to ask why my deposit wasn’t elligible, turns out they just didn’t know what account to put it into. So I’ll have to mail it back with instructions. Also called BoA and they said they could change my billing cycle closing date in about two months, so all good there. Showered. Washed my delicates. Ironed my clothes. Ate dinner. Dad made lamb and some potato mush. Also ate leftover rice with some curry fish from last night. I really miss Chinese food. Mom said she’ll make sushi tomorrow and I suggested porridge for tomorrow night. Helped put away dishes. Now I’m typing this up. I’m determined to keep this blog at least for a year straight. This time I know to never freakin’ share this blog. Well at least for a year, and only with someone I really trust. That was a big miss on my part previously. Goal is to brush my teeth by 10PM, which is like within an hour. And be in bed by 11PM. Don’t know if I’ll meet that. 2020 is looking to be a really good year.