dev-null-reboot

[dev-null-reboot]

June 11th, 2025

I've been thinking about some things and I wanted to jot them down. I also just want to talk but I don't have anyone to listen so I might as well do it here.

In the past, I've always been able to derive a form of self-confidence from my dissociative indifference; literally "don't give a fuck" energy. All this time, that was 90% of the self-confidence I had. Now that it's gone, I'm a lot more sensitive and self-conscious. I worry more about what other people are thinking about me or how they'll react to things I say or do.

I've also discovered that my dissociation was also my filter. I didn't talk much in general, much less bring up sensitive topics. Now I'm finding out I have to consciously filter myself because I'm talking too much. Just because a coworker you're just meeting for the first time asks why you left Michigan, that does not necessarily mean they want or need to hear about your suicide attempt 3 months ago. That subject nature tends to make people uncomfortable. These social faux pas then lead to me becoming self-conscious and feeling ashamed, worrying that I've distorted their perception of me.

It feels like everything flipped on me, I feel like the sensitive awkward little boy I was as a teenager; wanting so badly to connect with people and feel understood and valued, but not knowing how to. I'm fumbling around my emotions and behaviors because I'm not repressing them anymore. I have to literally learn how to handle them myself. I keep wondering if my feelings are valid or if I'm overreacting to something because of my sensitivity. I'm worried that I'll have a dramatic reaction to an insignificant or nonexistent problem that I've formed in my head, and I'll feel like an idiot. But what if those feelings are founded and valid? What if I have a good reason to feel this way, and I should be standing up for myself? Which outcome is worse?

Looking back to where the dissociation started, a few faces come to mind. One is definitely my "highschool sweetheart". The girl that pulled me out of my goth phase and into a new identity and world. A girl that also gaslit me, manipulated me, emotionally abused me, and then eventually threw me away for her next little project.

Another is my boss at the first place I worked at after dropping out of high school. I worked for him for 6 years, and he was a massive piece of shit. He yelled a lot, put people down, gaslit them, guilt-tripped them. On the other hand, there would be times where he was caring, understanding, supportive, helpful, encouraging. There was a nice enough person underneath it all that kept you coming back, whether it was out of pity or guilt. There was a reason for it; he had testicular cancer and they had to remove one. That caused a hormonal imbalance, so he required monthly testosterone shots. When we was low on T, he'd be grumpy and depressing and emotional. When he got the shot, it was like he was roided out; explosive, aggressive, loud. He was of German descent for what it's worth. If you've seen the depiction of Adolf Hitler yelling at people in Inglorious Basterds, well that was him. That doesn't excuse his actions though, and it doesn't change the lasting impression it left on me.

The way these people treated me caused me to withdraw into myself, to use an old defense mechanism I used to escape my reality living with a meth-addicted single mother. I'd find a distraction and just tune everything out, usually video games. The more I turned off my feelings, the harder it was to turn them back on until eventually I couldn't anymore. I was safe and secure in my shell, and I stopped coming out. I stopped caring about anyone and anything, because caring meant they could hurt you. From the outside, I was cool, stoic, it looked like I had my shit together, I was resilient and stable. In truth, I was none of those things. I just didn't care about anything or anyone. The few people I actually wanted to care about, the stronger my shell would harden to shield me from them. At least a dozen people tried to break the shell, none were successful even though a part of me desperately wanted them to succeed.

Now the shell has shattered, except there's nobody on the other side waiting for me. I'm sensitive, vulnerable, exposed, and alone. I guess the whole "idea" is for me to learn to stand on my own two feet again, but I don't think that's what I need. I've done nothing my whole life EXCEPT stand on my own two feet. I've isolated myself all this time and pushed people away. I feel like now is the time I NEED someone there to hold me. I need a lightning rod for all these emotions and desires. I want to talk to someone about my life, how my day went, how I'm feeling, what I'm thinking, but nobody is there to listen. I want to spend time with someone, play games or watch something with them. I want companionship. I've wanted it all along, despite my mind shielding myself from it.

At the same time, I'm realizing that this is how I made my wife feel our whole relationship. She wanted someone to talk to, but I was never talkative. She wanted someone to spend time with, but I was never truly "present". She wanted, NEEDED a friend, and I pushed her away. She needed emotional validation and she found it, just not with me. Maybe this is my punishment for all the people I've hurt. Now I have to feel what they felt, and I probably deserve it.

The next time I develop feelings for someone, I'm going to have to make a tough choice. Am I worth the risk of me hurting them? Are they worth the risk of hurting me?

[dev-null-reboot]

June 8th, 2025

Hey journal, it's been a while. A lot has happened.

I started my new job on Monday. I like it so far, the people are nice and the work isn't too bad. Plus there are free red bulls and snacks, so that's always nice.

I also moved into my own apartment on Thursday. It feels great having my own space again, I feel like I can finally stabilize and figure out where I go from here. There are a ton of things I still need to buy for my place, but I'll be able to afford it. The rent is pretty low and I can get to and from work in about 30-40 mins on public transit, so I don't need a car yet.

My wife is still distant, probably still too busy, possibly spending time with someone else. I'm getting over it. I'm starting to accept that we probably won't be able to reconcile things and try again. I'm starting to feel like she doesn't even really want to be friends. She probably hates me and I wouldn't blame her. I do too. I hate who I was, and I don't know who I am. Maybe I'm the same person I've been all along, maybe I can be better. I don't know.

I should be happy that things are working out, and I am to some extent. It just still doesn't feel like this is what I wanted. This is just where I ended up, and I have to just keep going. Even if I don't want to keep going, other people want me to and it would hurt them if I didn't.

My heart is still broken. I'm lonely. I'm supposed to learn to be happy on my own, but I couldn't even be happy with someone. I've never really been happy, so I don't know where I'm supposed to get it.

I guess I have all the time and space in the world to figure it out.

[dev-null-reboot]

May 22nd, 2025

I think I'm close enough to starting my new job that my brain is switching to work mode in advance. I've been less interested in non-productive things like gaming. It's probably for the best, I need my brain committed to fixing my life and I can't have any distractions.

As a thought exercise, I thought it would be helpful to list the things I want in life that will make me happy, that I can achieve on my own. I can't stop thinking about all the things I've lost, so maybe I can counter those negative feelings with more positive optimistic ones.

My own place, preferably on the nicer side and not shared with anyone. I want strictly my own space, that only gets messy if I make it messy and stays clean if I keep it clean. A kitchen I don't have to share, a bathroom I can use whenever I want. A living space all to myself. Having a house was fine, but it didn't feel like it was worth all the extra work and debt. I'm never having children; I won't be passing anything down unless it's to other family members, so owning a house ultimately won't matter. I know renting is basically throwing money away, but it also removes a ton of responsibility for the living space, which will allow me to focus on other things I want in life.

My own car. I'll be taking my wife's car and taking over the payments on it soon, but it's not the car I want. I want a car I'm proud to have that's not linked to my past. I've always wanted a moped or maybe even a motorcycle too, but it's not a huge priority. With my last car I had planned to trade up every few years, and I'm going to try to get back on that plan. Half of what has been paid on my wife's car is technically my equity, so if I refinance the loan in my name and pay out her share, I'll be a decent step toward being able to trade up already.

A career that's fulfilling and pays well, something in programming. The job I lost last year felt perfect and paid VERY well, and I'm still beating myself up for losing it. I feel like I won the jackpot and pissed it away. I don't think I'll get that lucky again; I'm going to need to work for it. I need coding certifications, I need a portfolio; it's going to take work outside of work, and I think it'll be easier once I have my own place with no distractions. I would like to have a work-from-home job again, but I need to make sure I have reasons to still leave the house regularly instead of isolating for long periods of time.

A pet. I would love another cat, but I would also love a dog similar to Willow, my wife's smaller dog. I completely fell in love with that dog and I miss her to death. I can't replace her, but it would be great to have a companion again.

Notably, this list intentionally excludes people. I've always wanted a relationship, and I was always unhappy when I didn't have one. I want to change that, but I also don't have much confidence that I'll find a better fit than my wife. I need to be prepared for the possibility that we'll never get back together and I'll never find someone new. I need to be happy alone. It's going to be hard, especially now that I'm actually feeling my emotions and not dissociating from them, but maybe the lack of depersonalization will help me better reconnect with myself and learn to love myself again. Right now, I fucking hate myself, and I NEED to change that if I'm going to survive.

I'm mentally preparing to get my life back on track, I'm making progress in fixing my sleep schedule, and I'm trying to give myself ambitions to pursue. It'll take work, but I can be happy again. This is not the end. I've lost everything, but I can get it all back.

[dev-null-reboot]

May 21st, 2025

My birthday was last Monday. Mostly uneventful, only one friend bothered to try to do anything with me on my actual birthday. For the most part I feel like I had to push to get anyone to plan anything. I tried to get something planned for the weekend before my birthday but it got pushed to the end of May. Then, last Friday, it was moved last-minute to the following Saturday. A few friends and some family were able to attend for a couple hours, but everyone had some reason to have to leave early or not come at all.

I guess I can't complain, everyone made some kind of effort to celebrate with me. It just sort of felt like an afterthought. I guess that's where I am right now, though. Aside from making sure I'm not trying to kill myself again, everyone's got more important things going on. I'm not a top priority for anyone (except maybe my mom). I'm alone. It legitimately feels like my wife doesn't want anything to do with me. I sent her a 30-second clip and it took 24 hours and 2 reminders to get her to watch it. I keep reminding her that I want to spend time with her as friends, but she never does. I was understanding because she said she was too busy, but I know she's at least playing videogames again. She'd always just spend time with her friend on voice chat even if she was just playing games or watching something. I guess she doesn't see me as that close of a friend. Maybe she's still spending all her time with him.

It doesn't matter. I'm done. I'm not going to fight for someone to pay attention to me. If I'm not anyone's priority, so be it. I'll be my own priority. I can't rely on anyone to support me anymore, I need to do it myself. I need to stand on my own feet. I need to be my reason to live because at the end of the day I'm the only one who won't abandon me.

I'm going to get back on my feet financially. I'm going to cut ties with my wife. I'm going to get 100% self-sustaining and independent again. I'll make time for those who make time for me, and I'll let go of anyone who doesn't. I'll learn to survive on my own again.

Hopefully.

[dev-null-reboot]

May 8th, 2025

Hey journal. Hopefully these entries will start being more positive soon. I've been having interviews with a few companies, and I'm feeling particularly optimistic about one of them. I think having that financial stability and a reason to get out of the house every day and into society with a purpose will go a long way towards improving my mental state. The pain is still there, but it's weakening. I'm crying less.

My wife and I decided it's best if we divorce. This marriage can't be salvaged, and the person she married doesn't exist anymore. This chapter of our lives needs to close completely. We are still going to be close friends, of course, and trying a relationship again in the future isn't off the table.

It's a hard pill to swallow. I've already come to terms with our relationship effectively ending, but the marriage was that last thread holding things together, giving me hope that it's not a matter of *if*, but *when* we get back together. It's not real, though. It's a legal agreement that's no longer necessary. The real relationship is destroyed beyond saving. A new one will need to be formed by new people, and it can't be the motivation for the renewal. We need to learn to love ourselves first and reconcile our internal issues before we can even begin to think about any relationship, with anyone.

Despite it all, I had an alright day. I visited people I care about that I haven't seen in 8 years and had a good interview. Things are starting to move again. I'm starting to roll in the right direction.

Just gotta take it one step at a time. I can do this.

[dev-null-reboot]

May 1st, 2025

Hey journal. Another week in stasis, just waiting. I had a couple interviews that I feel good about, but I'm not getting my hopes up.

It's 4:49am and I'm having a breakdown. I'm thinking about everything that has led up to me being here. All the relationships I've ruined, all the people I've hurt and pushed away, all the opportunities I never took. I hate myself for it all. I genuinely, sincerely despise the person I've been all these years. He is worthless, hopeless, and deserves to be alone. He deserved to die, and judging by my breakdown, it seems he's still gone. I don't know who I am now, though. Which of those problems were dissociation, and which of them were inherent in me?

Finally shouldering the responsibility and confronting the emotions of everything I've fucked up for the last 20 years is difficult. Regardless of why, I've caused so much damage to so many people, and I feel immense remorse. I want to apologize to all of them, but I feel like most of them probably either forgot about me, or I'm just a stain in their timeline that they never want to talk to again.

I'm still coming to terms with my situation. I think back on my relationship with my wife, all the good times, all the hopes and dreams we had, the things we shared. All the things I ruined. I miss her so much. I miss my life. The only thing worse than death is going to hell afterwards. This is my hell, and I feel like I deserve it.

I just hope I have the strength to climb out of this hole again. The decision to end my life wasn't exclusive to either part of me. It was a mutual decision. I haven't stopped thinking about it. I haven't stopped feeling they way I did. The only good thing that came of it was my ability to be who I am, unrestrained. But it comes at the cost of having to feel everything I ever ran away from.

I still don't have anything to feel good about. I'm not even optimistic about finding a job. It's just a small step out of this hole. It's stability, but I'm still very far away from where I want to be. I still feel like I can't do this. The only thing keeping me holding on and moving forward is the hope that I can get my life back. I don't know what will happen if that slips away from me for good. I'm not confident I can survive it again.

[dev-null-reboot]

April 24th, 2025

I had a bad dream last night where after over a year of barely talking to each other, my wife and I reconnected. I was ready to give our relationship another shot, but she was a totally different person and she acted cold and distant toward me, as if I were a total stranger that she wanted nothing to do with. All that time I was building myself and my hopes up for another chance, while she had built a whole new life and I was just a distant memory.

I think the dream was a product of us actually barely talking. It seems we're both making good on our decision that we need space from each other to focus on ourselves and our lives. I think about her all day, every day, and I want to talk to her more than anything. I wonder how she's feeling about it, and I'm terrified that she's going to realize that life is much better without me in it and I'm going to lose her completely.

On the bright side, I had an interview today that seems to have went well. I also got a callback from another company that wants to schedule an interview for next week. I'm trying to be happy about it, but I'm keeping my expectations low.

I'm feeling overwhelmed and homesick. I just want my old life back. I don't want to be here.

[dev-null-reboot]

April 21st, 2025

Hey journal, it's been a few days. A few uneventful, boring, lonely days. I don't want this journal to just be depression, but I don't have anything particularly positive to write about.

It's 4am and I'm on the tail end of a breakdown. I miss my old life so much. I miss my soul mate. I miss when things were great, and I hate myself for not appreciating it when I could. I hate myself for ruining the best thing that ever happened to me.

It's one of those days where nothing feels like it'll ever be okay again. Where the darker thoughts lurk in the back of my mind. I'm trying to counter it with positivity, but I'm running out of hollow platitudes to convince myself it'll all be worth it.

It feels too hard. The climb back up to solid ground is too steep. Nothing is working out for me. Everything is out of my control. Therapy teaches me that there are things I'll always have control of and things I never will. Now that I am in control of my mind again, the vehicle is broken down and I can't get anywhere.

Everyone will always say things will get better, but the promise of clear skies doesn't make the storm any less destructive.

But this is my life now. I have to deal with it, one way or another. The only light in the darkness is the possibility that I'll get my life back, but even that's not guaranteed.

I'm considering getting my CDL and driving a semi long-haul. Maybe being out on the road for a year and seeing new places will reset my perspective.

[dev-null-reboot]

April 16th, 2025

Hey journal, been a few days. I had 2 prescreening calls and 1 interview this week, which is progress at least. I'm not getting my hopes up though.

I think having some space from my wife is helping me acclimate to my new life. I've been trying to check in with myself regularly to make sure I'm actually healing and not just dissociating. The pain is still there, but more like a headache than a stab wound.

Outside of job applications and a few other tasks, my days are uneventful. I wake up and do nothing substantial and suddenly it's bedtime again.

I'm stable at least, which is much better than where I was last week.

[dev-null-reboot]

April 12th, 2025

Still waiting. The company I worked at for 3 years before I moved rejected my application for the same position I was in, so that's a nice blow to my confidence.

Got approved for unemployment, also applied for SNAP (food stamps), so that helps me not get buried by debt while I'm waiting for a job.

Still depressed, but feeling less sad at least. Just bored and lonely. Trying to talk to my wife less so she can focus on her stuff, and the space is helping me cope as well.

Might have arthritis in my jaw due to my TMJ click, which has been causing migraines. That's fun.

Wooo.

[dev-null-reboot]

April 8th, 2025

Still nothing back on job applications. I did get approved for unemployment at least.

Still unhappy. I don't think I'll be happy for a long, long time.

My suicide attempt ruined my life. Everything is worse now.

I'm almost starting to wish my wife didn't wake up that night.

[dev-null-reboot]

April 6th, 2025

Mostly uneventful day. I scared off my new friend by knee-jerk traumadumping, that was cool. I also asked my wife a bunch of questions about her relationship with her friend leading up to the attempt. I feel a bit better about it; it supposedly didn't happen as often nor went as far as I was assuming. Played a game demo with some friends. That's about it.

Hoping for something job-related to come in tomorrow.

[dev-null-reboot]

April 5th, 2025

The day got off to a rocky start. My emotionally charged message to my wife resulted in an equally emotionally charged response. I clearly overstepped my bounds, and I did my best to step back and apologize. I'm an emotional rollercoaster right now, and she doesn't deserve to get pulled along for the ride. We talked things through and I feel like we're on good terms again. I'm going to take a step back, give her the space she needs and keep my emotional soup from splashing on her. We could both use the space.

Despite it all, I'm feeling good right now. I had a nice day with family even though I've been sleep-deprived. I even made a new friend. If I can just keep on this track, I'll be okay. The pain isn't gone, but it's tolerable right now. That's progress.

[dev-null-reboot]

April 4th, 2025

I had a better day today. Still mostly uneventful except for a few job applications, but the depression is loosening its grip. The sting is getting duller. I'm feeling more optimistic.

I thought about it a lot, and I think in order for me to be able to move on and focus on myself and my new life, I need to know everything that happened with my wife and her 'friend'. I need absolute transparency, I need to go through the entire timeline of events, everything up until now. I told my wife this, and we'll see what her response is in the morning.

It's going to be hard, it's going to hurt a lot, but it needs to happen. I can't come to terms with something I have very little knowledge of. Normally I would be more respectful of her privacy, but given the circumstances that's a privilege I can't entrust her with anymore.

No more secrets, no more lies, no more hiding. I've shown my hand, now it's her turn.

[dev-null-reboot]

April 3rd, 2025

Rough day. Had therapy, which went well. We mostly talked about me feeling stuck and not having control over my life, went over some coping mechanisms and mental exercises that can help.

Still feel bad though. I'm realizing that we all thought moving back here was what I needed, that it would be good for me. I feel like it's the last thing I needed; everything is worse now. I was struggling financially, but at least I had a job. I was stressed, but at least I had the person I love and my dogs. I had shitty credit, but I already had everything I needed. I had a home to call my own.

Now I have no job, no money, driving a borrowed truck that burns through gas, living in a cramped dilapidated room in a basement that smells like cat piss, in a house with no A/C with 14 pets and 6 other people, getting barked at every time I go upstairs and sharing a single bathroom with everyone else. I'm still paying my share of a mortgage payment for a house I don't even live in anymore (or owing, rather, since I don't have money to pay anyone). I have friends that I still can't see too often because it's gas that I don't have money to replace. I feel alone; my bed is lonely, my room is lonely. I lost my life partner, and it's only after losing her that I'm realizing how much I cared, even if I couldn't show it.

It's ironic. The one event that actually fixed my brain and enabled me to feel emotions again also ripped away everything good in my life. Now that I can feel, all I feel is sadness, loneliness, regret, jealousy, guilt. I have nothing to feel positive feelings about. I thought things couldn't possibly get worse before my suicide attempt. I was wrong. This is worse.

At least I literally have nothing left to lose now. It's all uphill from here, right?

Maybe I'll feel better after a nap.

[dev-null-reboot]

April 2nd, 2025

Feeling okay today emotionally. Still lonely, still depressed, still feel stuck and helpless and completely out of control of my life, but my in-laws gifted me some money to help out which really alleviated some stress. Still just sitting here each day waiting. Waiting for job application updates. Waiting for my wife to have time for me. Waiting for the jealousy to sting less. Waiting for life to resume.

[dev-null-reboot]

April 1st, 2025

I feel completely helpless right now, like I have no control over my life at all and I just have to sit here and wait for things to work out, and the more I just sit here doing nothing the more I think about how much I screwed up and lost everything that was important to me and how I hurt the person I love, and I think about the possibility that we won't end up back together, that I will never have had the opportunity to be with her as the real me, I think of how good things could have been without this fucking dissociation. I'm glad it's gone, but now I have no coping mechanism so I have to deal with all the fucked up feelings that come from destroying your own life and marriage.

I think about her still talking to him, I think about the possibility that she's telling me she doesn't have time to hang out with me but she's still spending time with him. I imagine the conversations they have while I'm so far away. I think about whether or not I could ever feel comfortable again with her being friends with him. I think about all of this and my heart feels like it's in a vice. And then I realize it's probably pointless to even think about that because we might not even get a second chance and I spiral even more.

I haven't sounded this angsty since Junior High; then again I haven't felt of lot of these emotions since then either. It's good that I'm still feeling, but it fucking hurts.

Every day that goes by without a job means more debt stacking up. The place I worked at before I moved states has a position open for the same position I had. I applied for it 2 weeks ago, no response yet. I thought it would be an easy win. I needed something in my life to be easy for once. I'm dreading having to go through the same agonizing job search as I've gone through since October.

I'm overwhelmed.