devdozes

[devdozes]

Cruel Summer

pairing: Kaz Brekker x gn!Reader

summary: A fic based on the song Cruel Summer by Taylor Swift. Reader is a Crow and has unfortunately fallen for their boss in the summer heat spell.

word count: 2.2k

warnings: none, fluff

you can see the full taylor swift song-fic masterlist here

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You always seem to forget how unbearably hot Ketterdam can get in the summer, especially during a heat wave. Your skin is sweltering and sticking uncomfortably to your clothes. The summer sun is bright and accosting, hanging high above your head in the clear blue sky. You greatly missed the typical overcast weather and fog. The Crow Club was just a few blocks away, all you had to do was hold on until you got there, and then you could collapse at the bar and scarf down an icy drink. The mere idea of a cool beverage put a weary smile on your face and added a pep to your step.

The Club was rather full for a weekday afternoon. However, it made sense that people would be wanting to beat the heat here. Entertainment, food, drinks, and a relatively cool space, you didn’t blame the ‘pigeons’ one bit. Even though you knew he hated the heat, Kaz was always happy to see the boom in business during heat waves like this. You shook your head defiantly. This has been happening lately. Kaz, your boss, had been popping up in your head as of late, and at the most unnecessary times. Suddenly you’d become concerned with his likes, dislikes, moods, health, and so on and it was bugging you as all get-out.

It’s not that you didn’t like Kaz, quite the opposite, you liked and respected him a lot. He is, dare you say, a friend. But you didn’t think about your other friends as often as you did your cane-wielding boss, and that is the issue. You know he’s not a good guy. Though, how could anyone be a good person in this city? He’s bad. He’s honestly nearly a bad friend too. But this knowledge of the obvious has done nothing to discourage your traitorous brain from drawing up images of the man at times when you should certainly be focused on something else.

You arrived at the Club and saw Jesper sitting at the bar clearly waiting for a drink from the bartender. A half smile crept onto your face and you snuck up behind him.

“Hey, Jes.” You said calmly from your sudden place right beside him.

Jesper jumped, “Holy shit, you have got to stop doing that.” Your gunslinging best friend put his hand over his heart, taking deep breaths dramatically as he settled back into his seat.

“No idea what you’re talking about,” You shrugged, feigning innocence. “How’s it going today?”

“I think I might just melt.”

“You wouldn’t be the first.” You nodded your head in solemn agreement and ordered a drink. You took a moment to look around the club. You were searching for someone in particular but decided to pretend you were just surveying the floor. “Have you seen Brekker at all?” You questioned without even thinking and as the words left your mouth you wanted to smack yourself.

Jesper’s lips slipped into a teasing smirk as he lay his head in his hands. “I saw him earlier. He was watching the club for a bit and then went up to his office. Why? Is there some job you need to discuss with him? Or are you just looking for some unpleasant company?” Jesper’s tone was goading as he watched your face closely for a reaction.

Your brows furrowed in annoyance and you rolled your eyes. “I was only wondering because I’m not used to not hearing his nags. Usually he’d have griped about something one of us did or didn’t do right and I’m just now realizing how strange it is to not have heard that already.”

Jesper hummed, and you couldn’t tell if he was convinced or not. “Well if you’re looking to sour your already lovely mood, I’m sure you can find him in his office.”

You scoffed and motioned to the bartender for another drink, but not for you this time. “I think I’ve had my fill of Jesper Fahey for the day. I’ll go make sure the boss man hasn’t melted into a puddle with his layered wardrobe.” You got up from your stool and elected to ignore the teasing comment the gunslinger threw your way as you shuffled through the crowd and toward Kaz’s office.

You knocked on the wooden door and waited a few seconds before cracking the door slowly and entering. You were going to say something as you entered the room but the words died on your tongue when you caught sight of your boss.

Kaz was sitting at his large desk, a gift you and the other Crows had all pitched in to get him two years prior. His eyes were focused intently on the stack of papers in front of him, and you noticed how his styled hair threatened to fall apart and into his face. His jacket was hanging on the back of his leather chair. The top buttons of his shirt were unbuttoned and the sleeves of the black shirt had been rolled up past his forearms. The sunlight was streaming in through the two windows in the room, illuminating all the dust floaties that typically annoy you but at the moment seemed magical. All in all, your brain short circuited.

You stood there for several seconds, unmoving, simply staring watching Kaz in all his glory.

“Did you need something?” Kaz’s gruff voice broke you out of your stupor.

“Just came to give you this, really.” You explained carefully, walking toward him slowly and setting his drink down on the edge of the wooden desk. Kaz eyed the drink suspiciously with a raised eyebrow. “It wouldn’t exactly be good for my paycheck if you died of heat stroke.” You supplemented.

“How heroic of you.” Kaz scoffed, unimpressed and put his attention back on the papers in front of him. You rolled your eyes and looked around the room.

You grabbed one of the chairs in front of your boss’s desk and dragged it quietly to the window. He hadn’t told you to get lost, and for some reason, there wasn’t anywhere you’d rather be than Kaz’s stuffy office, right now. You sat down and pulled a book from your bag. You took one last cautious glance at Brekker before settling down into your chair and picking up your book from where you’d left off.

You spent the next several hours like this. You wouldn’t have even noticed any time had passed were it not for the movement of your light source –the sun. Somehow, this moment felt so clandestine. There was something so unnervingly domestic in the hours you’d just spent together. So unnerving that it felt as if the whole thing was some deep secret the two of you must take to your graves in order to keep your peace. You gently closed your book, as it had become a strain on your eyes to read in the dim lighting. You looked up at Kaz and saw he was getting out of his chair. Brekker unrolled his sleeves and you found yourself missing the delicious sight of his veiny forearms. Control yourself, you begged internally. Kaz slid on his jacket and purposefully put all his papers away. Then he turned to you and gave you an expectant look that had your heart hammering in your chest.

“Time to go, then?” You asked rhetorically, getting up as well and re-shouldering your bag.

In truth, Kaz had originally planned on working in his office at the club for a few more hours. In fact, he had also been planning on doing another round of surveying the floor a couple of hours ago, but had not done so. At the time, he didn’t want to leave your company and now, didn’t want you hurting your eyes trying to keep him company. Kaz picked up the empty glass on his desk to drop off at the bar on your way out. It had been his favorite summer drink. When did you figure that out? Did you even know? Either way, Dirtyhands had enjoyed the beverage far more than he should have.

You and Kaz walked together down the cobblestone road from the Club to the Slat. A comfortable silence hung between the two of you. Night had fallen so the street lights provided the only cheap illumination of the uneven pathway ahead. The temperature was still hotter than you’d ever prefer, but there was a constant cool breeze that kept you from staggering under the hot heavy air. Kaz’s cane clicked rhythmically against the ground as the two of you meandered toward the Slat.

You risked a glance at the boy beside you and felt your breath catch. It wasn’t fair. How could someone look so pretty just existing? Everyone would surely laugh you out of Kerch if they heard you thought the infamous Dirtyhands was pretty. But it’s true, in the weirdest of ways, Kaz Brekker is very pretty.

“Is there something on my face?” Kaz probed suddenly.

“Huh?” You blinked in surprise at the unanticipated interruption of the fragile silence.

“I said; Is there something on my face? You’re staring.”

You felt your face heat up in embarrassment at getting caught ogling. “Yes, I was trying to figure out what it was. It’s right here.” You lied with confidence, pointing to a random spot along your chin to show where you’d found the invisible spot on his face.

Kaz’s eyebrows pulled together in confusion and offense, but brushed his chin anyway.

“There you go.” You reassured him with a lilt.

“That book you were reading earlier…” Kaz paused, for the first time in a long time seemingly unsure about his next words, “is it good?” His voice grew quieter at the end and your lips pulled into an excited grin.

You instantly began an enthusiastic ramble about your latest book. Describing in detail the plot and your favorite and least favorite characters with rapid hand motions. Kaz originally only watched you through short glances, but quickly he took to rapt attention. You had enthralled him. The Bastard of the Barrel gazed with uncharacteristic interest as you went off about the book, mentally taking notes about all the things you spoke about with increased passion. He decided right then and there that his first errand tomorrow would be to the bookstore. He was overcome with the unusual desire to engage you in an equally eager discussion about this book he’d previously never heard of.

Kaz drank in your form and felt his heart thundering in his chest. He was growing warmer, and he subconsciously knew the weather was not to blame. Against the dark backdrop of the night and draped in the honey-color lamp light Kaz Brekker was sure you were an angel. Rolling your eyes at the stupid decisions a character you were describing had made, Kaz felt his heart roll with you.

Kaz kept you engaged by asking further questions about the book, specific enough to tell you he’d been listening attentively. Your heart soared at this demonstration and your grin widened impossibly. Words could not describe the joy this boy was giving you in this moment.

And all of the sudden, like a rock slide, your minds hit both of you with possibly the scariest and worst realization.

I love you.

The words were heavy on your tongues, too heavy to convey. Those three life changing words were not uttered, but the mutual realization was rocking. And as if your minds were truly connected, the both of you immediately blamed the dreaded summer for this unexpected awareness of your own feelings. It was this cruel summer to blame, obviously. The characteristic heat and the light of summer that was so unusual for Ketterdam that it made it easier to romanticize things. It tricked you. Lightening the quintessential gloomy mood of the Barrel and erupting feelings not fit for the reality of this city.

But at the same time, maybe it wasn’t so bad. You were putting the pieces together and finally understood the real reason behind your recently pleasant mood. Falling in love with Kaz Brekker, the Bastard of the Barrel, may not be the smartest decision, but it was a decision that evoked the most wonderful feelings. Your skin was itching and butterflies danced in your stomach but you had no desire to get rid of them. You embraced them, because they were proof of your love for the young man beside you.

Kaz now understood why so many great novels were centered around love. Dirtyhands was slowly coming to the conclusion that his recent special interest in you was not without reason. And yes, it was terrifying. Yes, it was perturbing. But if this feeling is love –and he was unfortunately sure that’s what this is– then he can’t imagine trying to get rid of it. Kaz Brekker can no longer picture a life where he does not love you, and this picture is becoming less and less frightening by the minute.

You’re washed with elation when you notice the barest ghost of a smile gracing Kaz’s carved features. How can a man not be happy in your presence?

Summer can be awful. It can be uncomfortable. It can be agonizing. But it can also be a gift. Or rather, in the Barrel, it can come bearing gifts. Like the gift of loving someone who’s been by your side for many summers prior, and hopefully will be for many summers more.

[devdozes]

Y/N: I like how we say 'Oh man' to express our disappointment. Because men are in fact disappointing.

Inej: *Sighs and turns to Kaz* What did you do this time?

[devdozes]

Bad Fight

⋆˙⟡ you and caleb have a fight after he decides to put some stranger in his place, stripping you of your autonomy. again

cw: angst

a/n: this is for my avoidant girlies 🫶🏻

──★ ˙

The tension was suffocating. Tonight was supposed to be a fun and relaxing—a rare break from both of your jobs. But Caleb had ended up telling some guy off for looking at you and ruining the whole night.

God.

What right did he have to just.. do that?

You sounded like an asshole, but Caleb was always hovering, always trying to play the knight in shining armor. But you weren't the little girl that needed saving anymore and he didn't seem to get that.

Now, you were silently walking up to his apartment a few steps behind him, your chest tight and your cheeks burning from frustration.

When he let you in, you didn't even thank him. Just walked past. And it killed him. He sighed, running a tired had through his hair before shutting the door and following after you.

"Hey, are you seriously still upset?"

Heat shot up your spine. It was that 'seriously' he threw in there that really made the churn in your stomach worse. He said it like he couldn't believe you were mad at him, like what he did was so noble.

But you pressed your lips into a hard line, refusing to answer.

"Okay. So that's a yes."

Still nothing.

Wordlessly, you shrugged off your coat, then draped it over his couch. You knew you were being a bit childish. The cold shoulder? Yeah. That was never the way to go, but you didn't trust your voice right now.

Caleb let out another sigh, taking a few steps forward. "I'm sorry I screwed up our evening," he breathed out, hand twitching at his side like he wanted to touch you. "But I'm not sorry I told that weirdo to back off."

You paused, desperately trying to swallow back the thousands of angry words trying to spill out.

Stop it.

For a moment, it was silent. Just you trying to hold it together, and Caleb, standing there, waiting for you say something. To snap at him, yell at him, anything.

But you never did.

"Can you at least..." He trailed off, unsure of what to say. "Can you at least look at me? Or say something?"

You licked your lips, the words just on the tip of your tongue.

Reel it in.

He means well.

Slowly, you turned around. You stared at him for a second, thinking of your words carefully before finally opening your mouth.

"I.. I know you mean well, but what you did back there—it didn't feel good. It felt.." you paused, afraid of what this might cause, "humiliating."

A flicker of hurt passed through Caleb's eyes.

Humiliated?

The word rang in his ears, made his jaw clench and his brows pinch together. He humiliated you? Him caring humiliated you?

He couldn't help the small scoff that slipped past his lips. It wasn't mocking. Wasn't angry. Just disbelieving. "So me caring about you was embarrassing?" The hurt crept in unbidden and he hated it, but he couldn't stop it.

"Did you even see the way he was looking at you?" he asked, voice edging on something rougher.

You sighed. "Caleb—"

"He was being disrespectful," he continued. "Basically undressing you with his eyes."

Your breath quickened, your stomach burning with frustration. "And I could've handled it myself."

"How?"

For a second, you hesitated. How would you have handled it? Would you really have said anything? Sure, you could say you would've, but if Caleb hadn't stepped in back there, would you have? Really?

"I would've said something," you responded, the words weak, even to your own ears. And Caleb caught it. The waver in your voice? He didn't miss that—the sound that told him you weren't sure, but still answering just for the sake of argument.

"Right."

Heat rushed through your veins at that single-word. Right. Right, as if it was impossible for you to defend yourself.

"This is the problem," you spat, instantly regretting the bitterness that laced your words, but committing to it anyway.

"What is?"

"This!" you said, exasperated, hands making some incomprehensible gesture between him and yourself. "You don't even let me try to protect myself."

The words felt like a punch to the gut. This? As in him? Something hot and ugly was crawling up his throat. He should've stopped it. In any other circumstance—where he hadn't seen some stranger ogle you like you were some piece of meat—maybe he could've been calmer.

But he had watched some guy ogle you, and now he was the one in the wrong for standing up for you?

"You think I like always being the one to step in?"

Caleb should've shut his mouth right then and there, but the words were already out. He couldn't stop now.

"You think it feels good to always be on edge," he continued, voice rougher than he intended, "wondering if I’m crossing a line or just doing what you won’t?"

The last had more bite than the rest and your breath instantly caught in your throat.

Then, in a fresh wave, it all came back, frustration washing over you.

"You're not listening!" you seethed. "It doesn't matter what I can and can't do! I'm not asking you to play hero!"

Your voice shook with the weight of your emotions. "You choose that on your own, and I keep asking you not to!"

Caleb huffed, shaking his head as he took a small step back. "Okay, so next time I should just watch?"

Your throat closed up, angry tears welling in your eyes.

Not now.

Please not now.

"No, that's not what I'm—" You paused, trying to swallow back the tears threatening to spill down your cheeks.

You hated this.

You hated crying out of frustration.

"That's not what I'm saying," you finished, your voice losing the bitter edge it had just seconds ago.

Caleb let out a soft exhale. He caught the slight shake in your voice, the way you'd silently pulled back.

Fuck.

He was being an asshole.

Caleb softened, but for a while, neither of you said anything. You wouldn't even look at him, and that alone was devastating. Caleb hated that he'd done this, that he'd let himself get carried away, trying to prove he was justified rather than listen to you.

His voice came out quieter when he spoke again. "What do I do? I mean, I can't—I can't just watch people do shit to you. But I also can't defend you." He let the words settle before continuing, "So what do I do?"

You ran a shaky hand down your face. "Forget it. Just—" You shook your head, turning on your heel and rushing toward the guest-room, the one that was reserved just for you.

Panic flared in Caleb's chest. "Pips—"

But you were already gone, slamming the door behind you.

Caleb stood in the doorway, his heart pounding in his ears. The apartment was suddenly quiet. Empty.

You always slept in his room when you were over. Even after fights. Even when things got messy.

So he waited up in bed for you.

10 minutes had gone by, and nothing.

15 minutes. Still nothing.

Then 30. And it was becoming painfully clear you weren't coming to bed with him tonight.

He knew he should give you space, so he tried to sleep, but he kept replaying your fight, kept replaying the way the angry set of your brow softened the moment he'd gone too far.

Then he thought about the tears in your eyes—

God, the tears.

He was horrible.

Caleb couldn't stand this. With a heavy breath, he reached toward his nightstand and grabbed his phone, thumbs moving shakily across the keyboard.

Caleb: i messed up.

Caleb: i didn't hear you.

Caleb: i'm sorry.

Caleb: can i still kiss you goodnight?

Meanwhile, you were in bed, cheeks puffy and eyes rimmed red, staring at his texts. You wanted to say yes. Wanted him to come in through the door and fix everything with a little kiss and a few sweet words.

But the fight kept replaying in your head. The bitterness, the almost mocking lilt he couldn't quite hide.

It hurt.

Too much to just let him in again.

You: not tonight.

[devdozes]

I’VE GOT YOU, HONEY

character(s): Caleb Xia x f!reader (angst 2 comfort)

best friend caleb finds out the reader harms herself

warnings: s3lf harm aftermath, blood and visceral imagery, nudity, swearing

wc: 2.8k

important author’s note: hi loves. just a gentle heads-up - this work includes s3elf harm, which can be a really sensitive and triggering topic. if that's something that affects you, makes you uncomfortable, or brings up hindering feelings, then please, please don’t read any further, yeah? my priority is my readers' emotional safety above all else... on the other hand, if u find comfort in stories where a character is being taken care of, i hope u find the same kind of comfort and sense of safety like i did while writing it <3 i haven’t seen any fics on this topic in the tumblr lads community, and i always wondered how MC could go through so much crap without picking up any unhealthy coping habits - so this is just my take on that. again, please, be kind to urself and only continue reading if u're sure u feel okay doing so. sending kisses to all of you <3

You were getting ready to take your evening shower in your and Caleb’s shared apartment, after his comments about you being a stink for dreading it for the past few days.

You stood in front of the sink mirror, pulling your hair back. One of Caleb’s massive shirts hung lazily from your shoulders as you discarded the thick socks and sweatpants, hissing at the cold sting of the bathroom tiles against your bare feet.

You grasped the hems of the long shirt, twiddling it between your fingers until they brushed lightly against the bandage curled around your upper thigh. You didn’t have to look down on it, to know it was going to hurt like hell taking it off after days of ignoring it, to wash it, to clean it, to rewrap it, to…

You shook your head and looked down on it anyways.

You weren’t proud of it. Of course you weren’t. You hated the puckered flesh hiding under it. The weak resolve and selfishness it screamed back at you. Yelling that it got control over you once again, laughing in your crumpling face.

You held back for so many days. Piled up even more work for yourself, to create any kind of distraction, that would shift your attention from the urge to reach for the sharp edge and calm your nerves. More studying, more errands, more events, more projects... So much occupied your brain until you found yourself wiping thick, unrelenting rivulets of crimson from the outer expanse of your thigh anyways.

You hated yourself for being so weak, so ungrateful, so…. You didn’t even know. Just so tired. So, so tired… 

You dragged your palms down your face, rubbing at your eyebrows, digging them into your eyes, before dropping them to your side, flashing your reflection the most convincing brave smile you could muster.

You reached for the edge of the bandage tucked under, teeth abusing your lip as you unwrapped it. Maybe it wouldn’t be as bad. It’s been a few days too. Yeah. You were alright. All you needed to do was roll it all up, scrub it clean and soon-

You tugged at the end of the bandage again. It wouldn’t budge. Fuck. You moaned out of desperation, looking up at the ceiling, blinking the oncoming tears away. You tugged again. Another stinging sensation shot through the leg. Fuck, fuck, fuck. You ran your fingers over the still-covered flesh, and just as you expected, the bandage was stiff, sticking to the cuts with dried blood. You dropped your face into your hands and the soft music and Caleb’s off-key whistling from across the laundry room wall flowed through the dreadful silence.

After a few more beats, you shook out your palms, jumped up and down a few times, and forced your attention back to the bandage. You pulled with more force this time, biting back a scream when the parched finally parted from the raw.

A quiet whimper escaped your lips; not only fresh blood, but also puss leaked from the open cuts. You pushed the collar of the shirt into your mouth to bite on it, eyes shut and damp with tears and got back to peeling the damn thing off. Just a few more seconds. You could do this. You could handle the pain. You always did. You were fine. Almost halfway there- 

“Pip-squeak?”

Your eyes jolted open, head whipping to the bathroom’s door.

Caleb stood there, frozen in place, full laundry basket in hand. Something undecipherable stormed behind the purple of his wide-open eyes, shallow breaths passing between the two of you. You weren’t sure if he was breathing at all.

Immediately, you spat out the collar, attempting to cover the angry cuts that Caleb was staring at in horror. “I-… Caleb, I-“

You’ve never felt so exposed in your life. Your hands were now sticky with the leaks of the cuts and your cheeks with salt – you felt disgusting. You couldn’t stand his silent stare. He was like a statue - not moving, not blinking, but following every shift of your leg.

You weren’t ready to drag your dearest person into this mess of yours. Into the mess you are. Your best friend who never failed to make you smile, the guy who cherished you with every fibre in his body and got angry if you only skipped a meal.

“L- Look, Caleb. It’s…, It’s not what it looks like. Alright..? Yeah? You see, there was-… there was um-... and-“ you babbled, heart pounding in your chest as you scanned the room for anything to cover the droplets travelling down your legs. “Let- Let me just put on my, my pants-“ 

Your frantic search was halted by firm, steady hands wrapping around your waist and shoulders, pulling you close into the warm softness of his hoodie. He pressed you tight to himself, so tight your excuses only became muffled sounds, and his familiar smell of seasonings and summer sweat enveloped you.

“You’re hurting yourself.”

Panic hit you. You squirmed in his hold, attempting to break free. Your dirty palms pressed right against his sternum, but he wouldn’t let go of you.

“You’ve been doing this for a long time, haven’t you? You’ve been hurting my pip-squeak.”

“Caleb let go. I-“ tears welled up in your eyes as you tried to pull away again. It hurt. Your thigh hurt. Your head hurt. Your heart felt like it was being carved open by the heaviness in his voice. He was shaking. You were the one who hurt his closest friend, you thought. How could you do this to him?

“It’s nothing!” you finally put some space between the two of you. Your voice came out more like a cry than anything convincing.

He stumbled back from the sudden force and swallowed hard. His red-rimmed eyes flicked from your face to the trails of red still seeping out from under the wrap down your leg, then back to you, and back down, where he locked them.

You reached up to cup his cheeks to make him look away and meet your eyes, tarnishing his angelic face with the filthy smudges of harm on your palms. “I’m okay, Caleb. I promise! It’s fine, don’t worry about me, please. Everything’s fine! I don’t need anyone. I just-… I…”

Caleb winced at the last part but brought your hands to his heart, pulling you back into the hug. “It’s not okay, pips,” he whispered into your hair. “You’re not okay.”

“Caleb, I-“ your voice cracked. The tears came in a wave, and you hiccupped into his shoulder. “I just- I just don’t want you to worry. I-“

You didn’t want to be seen like this. So weak. So pathetic. You wanted to hide and never crawl back out. But also… You just wanted to be held… So badly. To be held by him and only feel him around your being for all eternity. Leave your messed up body behind and mould into him. Crawl below his ribcage and hide there in safety from everything and everyone.

“Shhh…” he ran his trembling hand through the tangled strands of your hair and pressed a kiss to your crown. He lowered you both slowly. Sliding down with his back against the bathtub, settling your shivering form in his lap. He cradled you like a newborn chick. “Let me help you. Please.”

The crack in his own voice made you nod without any further protest.

“It hurts a lot, doesn’t it?”

“Y- yeah,” you sniffled.

“Let me stay here with you.”

You nodded.

He brushed the stray hair from your sweaty forehead and left lingering of his lips there. Knuckles brushed over your thigh, until they reached the bandage. “May I? I’ll be gentle I promise.”

You cried out when the skin broke free, burying your face in the crook of his neck. 

He whispered praises in your hair whenever you needed to take a break, and cut by cut, until you were a filthy, sobbing mess in his arms, he held you. He held you close to him and fought back his own tears while he revealed more and more of the wound.

He held you, cursing himself over and over again - for not noticing sooner, for not being able to handle this the way he thought he could, for falling apart when you needed him calm, for lacking something he couldn't quite place. And beneath it all, buried so far down it twisted his gut, was the unbearable fury - at you, for doing this to yourself. And he hated himself for that too, convinced that if bleeding for you could make the pain go away, he'd open his veins without a second thought.

The bandage was now crumpled by the door with you more curled into your dearest friend on his lap than ever before. 

“Caleb, I-“

“You don’t have to explain anything to me right now,” he pressed a kiss to the damp corner of your eye. “Just breathe. I’ve got you, honey.” He rested his chin atop your head, caressing your sensitive leg which had stained his own alongside the rest of his clothes. 

The music from the laundry room filled the room again and Caleb’s humming vibrated against your skin. “But let me run you a shower. Let’s get it cleaned up, so it doesn’t get any more infected.”

Before you could protest, Caleb stood up, refusing to let your feet touch the cold ground and sat you back down on the sink. He pulled the hoodie and shirt off over his head and stepped outside of his shorts, tossing them on the pile of the laundry basket, alongside your things he gathered from the floor.

He walked into the shower and set the water going, waiting for a few seconds, adjusting the temperature there and back, until he considered it perfect.

He shook out his wet hair like a dog as he walked to you. “Arms around my neck,” he smiled.

“Wait, are you- are we going to… together?”

“Yes. We’re in this together, pip-squeak,” he replied, “I’m not leaving your side again.”

His tone was playful, but your stomach flipped.

You wrapped your arms around his neck and let him carry you to the shower. After he set you back down in front of the running stream, he placed a kiss on your shoulder and rested his chin there, curling his huge arms around your waist.

He tugged at the hem of the shirt. “Let me?”

You nodded, lifting your arms up so he could slip the shirt off your body. As he turned around to get some shampoo on his palms, you side-stepped out of your underwear. The warm water ran down your back and eventually reached the side of your thigh. It stung, but not as bad as it usually did in your hot showers.

When you turned back to him, Caleb was already waiting for you with a gentle smile.

“Are you sure you’re alright with doing this for me?“

“There’s nothing I’d be rather doing right now. Promise.”

“It doesn't disgust you?”

Caleb stared at you like you’d just slapped him.

He sighed and began to massage your scalp with the bubbles. “One day, you’ll hopefully see that being with you is like orbiting a star I never thought I’d be worthy of - the most extraordinary and beautiful thing to pull me into its orbit. An entire universe and I’m blessed enough to hold a piece of it." His hand dropped to your waist and its grip hardened. "And I promise to be more careful with it from now on.”

You turned to look up at him with prickling in your eyes for what felt like the 100th time today. You waited… For a flash of that cheeky grin of his, for him to ruffle your hair and flick your forehead, or just blow bubbles in your face like he used to when you took baths together as kids. Anything that would link this moment to the teasing and playful side of your relationship.

But Caleb just stood there, wet hair stuck to his forehead, crimson petal-like spots of your fingertips trailing his jaw, and eyes full of affection so ardent that your knees almost buckled under you.

He immediately reacted to your teary expression by outstretching his arms wide, offering you refuge in his heart again. Of course, you took it.

With your arms locked around his waist and cheek pressed against the cold dogtag, listening to his steady heartbeat, he worked the shampoo through your hair. When he angled the stream to wash it out, he shielded your eyes from it with a hand, careful not to aim it at your leg either.

“Remember how we used to compete in making beards with the bath bubbles when you were small?” he pivoted you so he could untangle the wet strands with a conditioner.

You giggled at the memory. “Yours never lasted long. Not much of a competition.”

“Or maybe you were too much of a headache whenever you lost, so I spared us both.”

“You wouldn’t dare!“ you spun around to smack him on the chest.

Cool tickles popped against your face before you could even flinch. Your nose felt funny, and you only dared to squint at him through the soap.

Caleb’s throaty laughter joined the hum of the water.

“I still have the photos from when I covered you in those from head to toe,” he wiped your nose from the bubbles he just menacingly blew in your face. “You looked like a summer snowman. I always knew I made more impressive ones than Zaynie did,” he flashed his teeth at you and helped you wash out the remaining soap from your eyes whilst you cursed him out.

After he was done with your hair and skin, he crouched down to be on eye level with the wreckage of your thigh. He rested a wide palm on it, inspecting the heated swelling. His brows furrowed and the playful smirk was nowhere to be found.

He applied slight pressure below one of the deeper cuts, which sent a jolt of pain up your leg and a few strands of red and white to trickle out.

“Caleb, you really don’t have to-”

A ghost of a caress made goosebumps rise from your hip up your body. Your eyes shot open and snapped right down to him.

“Oh. Oh~,” he wiggled his eyebrows at you, circling the spot where he kissed your hip bone with a finger. “That one shuts you up then.”

He rested his cheek on your hip like it was the most casual thing in the world. You huffed and looked away from him still kneeling there, warmth seeping into your face, neck, and probably all the way down your shoulders.

Long fingers suddenly entangled with yours, guiding them to his hair, which brought your attention back to him.

“I don’t want to say this to you ever again, pips, but this is going to hurt. So hold onto me, okay?”

You scratched his scalp in response and turned your eyes to the ceiling instead, taking a deep breath, before he got to cleaning the cuts.

“You almost made me go bald, woman,” Caleb joked as he stepped out of the shower, smoothing down the bird nest on his head.

He was right though. The whole time he soaped it up, rinsed, and repeated—careful to aim the spray just off the wound—the sting kept making you tug at his hair or press his face into your stomach for grounding. (Well, at least more times than your pride would let you admit.)

He reached for a towel and returned to wrap it tightly around you, turning you into a little cocoon that he then scooped up again and carried back to the sink counter. There, he helped you switch out the damp towel for a soft, fluffy bathrobe.

He rewrapped your leg, once he put ointments and vitamin C on it, and completed your outfit with fuzzy socks and matching panda face masks.

“What do you say we order some ramen? Would you like that?” he asked, leading the gua sha from the apple of your cheek to your temple.

“Mhm,” you hummed, not fully waking up from the relaxed state the face massage put you in.

“I was thinking…”

“Wow, you better hold my hand through this one then.”

He pinched your cheek. That earned him another giggle from you, which made the speck of annoyance vanish instantly. “I was thinking ramen, and a blanket fort in the living room. But the proper one. Mattrasses and all.” He tilted your face to the side and continued following the gua sha steps from the video tutorial he had playing on mute. “Then I’ll take out the old DVD binder we used to love looking through when you were small, and you can pick whichever movie you want.”

“Even Barbie and the Magic of Pegasus?”

“Ab-so-lutely,” he smiled down at you, resting a palm where your neck met the shoulder, swiping his thumb over the skin.

“But you don’t like the polar bear in it...”

“Despise it, actually.”

“But you’d still watch it with me?”

“And be your personal snack dispenser, head and back scratcher and ready-for-duty cuddler, yes.”

You could feel the warmth radiating from him standing there, each of your legs brushing against his sides. All it took was for you to lean forward ever so slightly, for the noses of the pandas to touch.

“You’re my girl, honey, and I want to do whatever my girl does,” he booped your nose. “Happy and safe - that’s all I’ll ever ask my pips to be for me in return.”

a.n.: this was the first post i made about "best friend flatmate caleb" and now i kind of turned it into a series that can be found under this tag #get in loser we're repressing feelings - ft. bestie caleb (some ups and downs of them as once childhood best friends and now uni flatmates) <333 so if you liked this and would to read some more (some lighter and fluffier ones) check them out~ kisses and good night<333

[devdozes]

— ★fic recs 'twenty four

Hi! This is a masterlist for all my fic recs. This list will continue to update as I read and find more things to add. Credits go to the respective authors!

↳ Please make sure to check out the warning on each fic. Some of them contain stuff that might be triggering for some readers!

keys;

🫐 — angst

☁️ — fluff

🎧 — nsfw

spencer reid recs;

— ★ series;

↳ trouble almost all my life by @januaryembrs [ongoing] ☁️🫐

summary: the one time the bau needs you + the four times you need them.

↳ twisted by @dreamwritesimagines [completed] 🫐☁️

summary: no one can outrun their past.

↳ pierced by @rynbutt [completed] ☁️🎧

summary: moving into a new apartment in a new city is stressful, what's even more stressful is when there's a fucking murder in the apartment across from yours... at least the fbi agent is cute.

↳ american teenager by @lanascinnamongirls [ongoing] ☁️🫐

summary: all it took was one case. one case and you were back in your small town in your home state of missouri.

↳ say that you love me by @none-of-your-bullshit [completed] 🫐☁️🎧

summary: what happens when an ex cia operative survives an attempted murder and is plucked straight out of georgetown by david rossi?

↳ do you believe me now by @nereidprinc3ss 🎧

— ★ stand alone:

↳ forgiven by @reiding-writing 🫐☁️

summary: you lied to him with good intentions, but when he finds out the truth he says something detrimental in the heat of the moment. After weeks of radio silence any chance of reconciliation is almost lost after you get critically injured in the field.

kaz brekker recs;

— ★ series;

nothing here yet…

— ★ stand alone:

↳ three taps by @happyyyandcrazyyy 🫐☁️

summary: kaz taps three times. it’s his way to say i love you, i care.

↳ dive into the waves below by @rubysunnday 🫐☁️

summary: pekka rollins's reign is over and it's time for the new king to take his place (or kaz settles into his new office and his beaten face needs some tending to)

↳ alright by @liberty-barnes 🫐☁️

summary: you’ve been flirting with kaz ever since you started working as his bartender. systematic rejection gets tiring after a while, but sometimes all you need is a good chat and a large bottle of vodka.

↳ bloody hands by @rubysunnday 🫐☁️

summary: kaz never feels the need to explain his entire plan. he knows that, whatever happens, it will inevitably go according to plan. but when his plan goes wrong and y/n is injured, kaz is suddenly forced to comprehend with the skeletally hand of death once again.

↳ initials by @triptuckers ☁️

summary: for as long as the crows can remember, you’ve worn a ring with initials on it, and they’ve been trying to figure out what they stand for ever since

↳ love story by @luna-writes-stuff ☁️

summary: kaz hasn’t known life without you at his side. he doesn’t see reason for you to abandon him any time soon and he isn’t planning on letting you go either.

↳ what do you want from me? by @rubysunnday 🫐☁️

↳ this is what happens by @fishley 🫐

summary: a look into the journey of kaz losing another person he loves and how it not only affects himslef, but everyone around him.

↳ dark days by @rubysunnday 🫐☁️

summary: mr and mrs rietveld. a locked vault and approximately ten minutes of air left. what could possibly go wrong.

↳ his star by @alpurrtwhizkersss 🫐☁️

summary: kaz saves reader from drowning

↳ dust and rubble by @writing-havoc 🫐☁️

summary: a plan goes wrong. you get injured. kaz tries to help-

↳ pocket watch by @writing-havoc ☁️

summary: after years of patient progression on his phobia, kaz finds the opportunity to reciprocate

↳ call me what you like by @sophierequests ☁️

summary: kaz and the reader have been married for quite some years now, unbeknownst to their friends. but what if a slip up causes this shared secret to come to the surface?

↳ sweetheart by @bloodwrittenballad ☁️

summary: kaz's reaction to you calling him sweetheart

↳ the way of the water by @bubbles-for-all-of-us 🫐☁️

summary: reader is a tidemaker and during a heist kaz falls into the water and she uses her powers to pull him out and helps him through a panic attack

simon "ghost" riley recs;

— ★ series;

nothing here yet…

— ★ stand alone:

↳ alive by @criminalamnesia 🫐

summary: simon loses you

↳ phantom touch by @ghostheartfelt 🫐☁️

summary: you and the 141 are deployed to austria with the intel of a drug boss known as rolmuth who is harboring romanian soldiers to the east coast to smuggle illegal mercenary personnel into america. what happens when a rapid snowstorm picks up and you are separated from the others then further captured and interrogated alongside your lieutenant?

alastor;

— ★ series;

↳ a doe in fall by @hazelfoureyes [ongoing] 🎧

summary: a burlesquer with a penchant for conning men, you find your latest game interrupted when your next mark saves you from an aggressive fan— by killing him. the chance encounter left you curious, still half convinced you could complete your normal chase. unbeknownst to you, you were the one being tracked.

↳ painted smile by @worldofkuro [ongoing]🫐☁️

summary: you couldn't wait to meet new friends. what you didn't expect was this smiling little boy, only one year older than you, that would take such a big place in your life.

↳ deer dolly by @ohproserpine ☁️🫐

summary: “wife?!” angel dust cut her off, jaw dropping. “freaky face is married?”

↳ a misconduct of love by @hurthermore [ongoing] 🫐(☁️)

summary: control was something you always severely lacked in. so when a radio host enters your life, and seems to yearn to not only posses you, but for you to posses him in turn, you indulge in a love affair with the man your husband introduced you to.

— ★ stand alone:

nothing here yet…

hobbie brown;

— ★ series;

nothing here yet…

— ★ stand alone:

↳ where's my love by @autumn-hiraeth 🫐

summary: hobie's cannon event

[devdozes]

ೄྀ࿐ THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS

⎯ kaz brekker x fem!reader ; [mentions of] nikolai lantsov x fem!reader

a look into the journey of kaz losing another person he loves and how it not only affects himself, but everyone else around him.

⎯ request: @lovelyjae07

⎯ warnings: angst; ptsd.

⎯ wc: 2.1k

⎯ a/n: i tried my hardest to be really real with this one. i felt it was important to have a deep look into how ptsd can affect your life, the fear others around you experience when you undergo heightened emotions due to your struggles, and just the realness of your trauma not always being an excuse for your actions.

navigation.

Y/N’s eyebrows furrowed gently in thought. Nikolai glanced at her conflicted expression, but didn’t say anything.

“I have a question.”

The corner of his lip lifted, “I might have an answer.”

“Is it worth it?” Y/N turned her head to the side to look at him, one eye squeezing shut against the sun. “Pursuing something you’re unsure of?”

Nikolai nodded once, slowly, continuing to secure the knots of the rat lines. “I think it depends on the subject matter.”

“I’ve had feelings for Kaz for a long while. He did. Well, at first he did. Now … I don’t know. Now I’m starting to think he’s shutting himself out again. But I think that’s just my head making excuses for the truth of him finding something new.”

The privateer looked over his shoulder where Kaz and Inej were having a conversation on the other side of the boat.

“I could give you dating advice—” he averted his gaze back to her— “but as you can see, I’m not exactly a professional in such fields.”

“Oh, please,” she rolled her eyes. “I’m sure you get lots of attention.”

“Not the best kind, usually. The other sort of attention is normally forced upon me in order to pick someone to one day provide a future king or queen. Royalty doesn’t marry for love—they marry for business.”

Y/N’s head flinched as their face contorted. “A child is business?”

“According to the monarchy, it is.”

“That’s absolutely absurd.”

“You don’t think I know? I’m not happy about it. But all that matters to me is I make sure to love the child regardless. It’s not worth the time to create such a thing and then leave it to fend for itself.”

“You sound like you have some experience with that.”

“A little,” the corners of his lips lifted, flashing the top row of his teeth. “My mother was wonderful—despite me constantly getting on her nerves. My father more regarded me as a pest and a disappointment, depending on the day, of course. He always compared me to my brother.”

Y/N’s eyes rolled. “Your brother is a twat.”

Nikolai fully grinned. “He’s of many things.”

Topics had shifted entirely, but they didn’t bother to go back to the original idea. Y/N wasn’t thinking of Kaz anymore. She was only thinking of Nikolai. And that’s exactly how he wanted it.

On the other side of the boat, Kaz was ten seconds from making a dent in the wooden wall with the head of his cane. He wouldn’t care if the king knew it was him who vandalized his property. Out here, all he was on the water and with the red hair was a criminal privateer. And he was also getting in the way of something Kaz so desperately wanted.

“What’s on your mind now, Kaz?” Inej inquired.

His eyes averted to her, then dropped to the floor. He faced the water, hand gripping his cane so hard his knuckles were stark white under the gloves.

“Nothing of your concern,” he replied.

Every time Y/N saw Kaz on the boat, whether he was alone or alongside Inej, her insides twisted and tugged. She had tried so hard for him, being this person she didn’t even know she was capable of being, but it wasn’t enough. Kaz was unreachable, she concluded. No buoyancy or compassion was enough to get past that wall he built around himself. So, she stopped trying. She wasn’t going to waste her time on something that wasn’t for her. If Kaz could move on, she could too. Luckily, it wasn’t as hard as she might have thought. She realized she’d moved on a long time ago, it was just time that would expose such a reality to her consciousness.

Kaz’s eyes would flick to Y/N’s every time she was in sight, but hers never gazed back. Slowly, she became someone he didn’t know. She was reserved and difficult to get a grip on; the same her he met all those months ago when she first walked around the Crow Club. He remembered watching her play cards against the other customers, winning against regulars of many years. He remembered her catching his eye and both of them refusing to look away. She challenged him, just as she challenged everyone else, and for once, he wasn’t bothered by it. Her strength interested him and it became just one of the many times he watched her for many months. And those times she held his gaze lessened, in the end. Before the Crows got on the boat, he noticed her acting differently. She was more distant and her expression was of constant stress. Eventually, she didn’t look at him unless necessary and when she did, that fire had burnt out. He didn’t know how or why it may have happened, all he knew was that almost immediately after they got aboard the ship, and she was introduced to the disguised king, that fire grew for him.

Nikolai could give Y/N what she wanted, what she needed. He could be everything and more. Kaz, once again, was incapable of providing for someone he loved and cared for. He had accepted that regarding most things, but he couldn’t grasp it when it came to Y/N. He needed to have her. He couldn’t have her.

It wasn’t just Kaz who noticed, everyone else did, as well. They watched Y/N turn her wicked grin from him to the fox-faced man.

“His nose looks like it’s been hit many times,” Matthias muttered.

Nina back-handed his bicep. “Don’t be rude.”

“He’s right,” Wylan agreed. “I mean, as much as I want Y/N to be happy … this is a little off.”

“She can be with whoever she likes,” said Nina. “I think we all know Kaz is difficult.”

“He loves her,” Inej added. “He has for a long time. But this is what happens. He knew this would happen.”

Jesper blew out a breath, eyebrows furrowing. “These next few weeks are going to be painful.”

“Everybody make sure Kaz doesn’t murder him,” Nina instructed. “We don’t need to deal with the aftermath of a famous privateer’s sudden disappearance.”

A month or so later, Y/N was in a familiar situation. She wanted to share her joy with her friends, but Kaz was cooped up in his office. This was always the way. She could never get him out and no matter how big the event she tried to share with him, he seemed as uninterested as ever, to shoo her away as quickly as possible so he could be undisturbed once again. Catching all her friends except for Kaz in the kitchen made her wonder if he ever even cared or if the feelings she got from Kaz was her overthinking. Either way, she felt like an idiot for wasting her time.

“You look happy,” commented Jesper, causing everyone to look at her bright smile. “More than usual, of course.”

Y/N was about to jump from her skin, her feet couldn’t keep themselves planted to the ground for more than a second.

“Sturmhond asked me to be his queen,” she said, smile becoming impossibly large. “And I said yes.”

Everyone gave each other a sort of look, but inevitably congratulated her.

Due to Y/N’s excitement, she hadn’t recognized their expressions, nor remembered the second news she had to break. None of them knew he wasn’t “Sturmhond.” None of them knew she was going to become the queen of Ravka. None of them knew they were about to lose their best friend, so none of them told Kaz.

In the end, Kaz was glad they didn’t know.

He mumbled a “Come in” and the person closed the door behind them as they entered. Kaz looked up at Y/N, stood on the other side of his desk. It was the first time she looked at him in weeks and he couldn’t tell if he hated it.

“I’ve come to let you know I’m quitting.”

Kaz’s heart might have stopped for a moment, or maybe he had stopped breathing.

“Nikolai and I are engaged. I’m departing for Ravka tonight.”

He had been slapped, he thought. He wished she’d slapped him.

Her brow raised. “You’re not going to say anything?”

Kaz shrugged. “What should I say? Congratulations. I’m sure the others will miss you.”

Y/N wanted to slap him. She wanted to slap him so hard his face would bruise in the shape of her ring. She wanted to slap him so hard a tooth would fall out. Instead, she tensed her jaw and sucked her teeth.

“Goodbye, Dirtyhands.” She slammed the door on her way out.

Kaz’s eyes locked on the wall in front of him. He refused to blink. If he blinked, he’d give in to the burning sensation in his nose and behind his eyes. If he breathed, he’d give in to the aching of his lungs and the wrenching of his gut.

When the aching turned to a burn, Kaz couldn’t stifle it anymore. He whipped a pencil holder across the room. He hit the side of his fist against the desk, breaking two of his fingers. Kaz let out such a loud scream of aggravation that everyone on the block could have heard it, including Y/N. But he didn’t care.

Kaz had let himself remain closed off. He had told himself he would fight for her, when he saw her smiling at Sturmhond, but he didn’t fight. He didn’t work on his fears. He didn’t work on his trust issues. He didn’t do shit and he allowed it. He was too cowardly to let himself face reality and he was paying the price for it. It was the way he was, he knew that, but he could have prevented the person he cared for most in life from walking away, leaving him a crying and infuriated mess in the space that started the problems between them; it started with his office and his struggle with empathy, and it ended with his office and his struggle with empathy.

For the first time, all of the Crows were scared of Kaz. The tension was as thick as fog when he was around. Even when he wasn’t, they’d listen for every creak and every voice and learned who it was in the house. They learned how to avoid him unless they had to do a heist. He was more violent during interrogations and punishments. They were in fear for months due to his extreme emotions. Everyone was an inconvenience and everyone was a waste of space. Everyone wasn’t Y/N.

A letter in the mail only seemed to make Kaz worse, if that was possible, but the others finally had their answer. He was so overwhelmed by the letter in his hands that he exposed his emotions to everyone. At the kitchen counter, he shattered a mug on the ground and slammed the paper onto the table with tears visibly welling in his eyes, leaving the others in a shared, uncomfortable silence. King Nikolai Lantsov of Ravka and his betrothed, Y/N Y/L/N, had invited them all to the wedding in a month.

Jesper ran a hand over his face and the rest of them just looked at each other. There were no words or expressions to explain any of their thoughts.

At the wedding, Y/N was beyond blissful to see her friends. After the ceremony, she held them and squeezed them impossibly tight. They were delighted to meet the real face behind the privateer, all except for one. Kaz stood behind them all, looking around at the guests with visible judgement. When his friends walked away with Nikolai to speak more in private, he finally acknowledged Y/N.

She was the most beautiful he’d ever seen her. She looked better than she ever had, he realized. She was glowing and her eyes were alight. He’d never seen her more alive. He wanted to compliment her, maybe even congratulate her, but other words escaped his mouth.

“You’re going to hurt yourself,” he said. “Loving a man like him.”

Y/N’s lips pursed and her eyes turned hard. She looked like his worst fear: her back in the Crow Club when they first connected gazes. “It hurt me loving a man like you when you only loved your precious Inej,” her voice wavered from pent up rage. She’d never gotten to say the words to anyone but Nikolai, and it was like a weight had lifted from her chest when she saw his face fall, saw his mask fall. “Can’t I love someone who actually loves me back? Who actually cares?”

Even if she had stuck around to hear his reply, all she would have heard was silence. It didn’t matter that he found out the truth to her actions and what her words meant; she had walked away for a third time, and, once again, he let her.

[devdozes]

Alright

Kaz Brekker x Reader (pronouns and descriptions not specified)

Summary: You’ve been flirting with Kaz ever since you started working as his bartender. Systematic rejection gets tiring after a while, but sometimes all you need is a good chat and a large bottle of vodka.

Warnings: mentions of child abuse, PTSD, touch aversion, but it’s still overall kinda cute. Well, I mean, it has a happy ending. Oh, and drinking. Not underage, though, cause 19 is of legal drinking age in Europe and I’m saying that Ketterdam follows the (much superior) European drinking laws

Word Count: 3.2k words

Estimated Reading Time: 13 minutes

A/N: I am a weak, weak human being, and broken hot guys will be the death of me. I tried to resist it. I failed MISERABLY. I blame Grace.

Now for the actual important shit: The plot is basically all Netflix series but I added Wylan cause from what I’ve read about him he’s awesome and basically all of the location knowledge and stuff came from the Grishaverse fandom Wikipedia thing. Also, I can’t actually remember if the Crow Club has a bar but given that every club/casino type thing I’ve gone to has a bar, I’m adding it in. If there isn’t one, just imagine there is. I haven’t read the books yet but I will DEFINITELY get on it now that I have the time soooo, yeah.

Masterlist

Being a bartender for the Crow Club wasn’t too bad. Sure, it had its downsides, like working much later than many other bars, being in gang territory and most of your customers being gang members, and some of them showing up with blood-stained faces, and blood-stained knuckles, and blood-stained shirts, and blood-stained everything really.

But the upsides highly outnumbered the downsides. For one, the pay was amazing. Kaz Brekker may be a known and feared criminal but he was a just employer and made sure to pay his staff well. Obviously, since you worked, lived, and served Fifth Harbor, you were under Kaz’s, and by association, the Dregs’, protection, which was a very good advantage. You were safe, protected, and financially secure, which is more than most of the Barrel’s inhabitants could say.

All in all, pretty solid gig.

“So, (Y/n), ready to take off your ban, now?”

You looked up from the glass you were cleaning to stare at the one and only Jesper Dumbass Fahey.

“Absolutely not.”

He sighed and tried to win you over with puppy dog eyes, as he always did, but you were above that.

“Come on, love, don’t be mean to me.”

You set the cup down and squinted your eyes at him.

“He’s too pure for you to just destroy, leave my little brother alone.”

“You’re not even related!”

“Did I ask?”

“And you’ve known him for like, a month!”

“I repeat, did I ask?”

“We’ve been besties for two years!”

“Which is exactly why I’m keeping him away from your filthy hands!”

“Oh, hey guys, whatcha talking about?”

You straightened up immediately and smiled at Wylan, ruffling his curls affectionately.

“It was nothing, don’t worry about it, Sweetie. How’d your little expedition go?”

His blue eyes sparkled as he told you all about his day’s events, most likely dramatising some things but you’d let it pass. As the youngest member of the Dregs, he hadn’t yet been completely pushed over to the dark side and still remained the bubbly happy kid the group dragged in a little over a month ago.

“Well, it sounds to me like you did an amazing job, Sunshine.”

Jesper seemed to not want to keep him kind, sweet, and innocent, however, as he was hell-bent on shagging him, which you would not under any circumstances let happen. You’ve seen your fair share of women and men buy a drink just to pour it over his head as revenge. There was no way you’d let him become just another one of his conquests.

“Oh, um, thanks Jes, that’s really nice of you.”

Except that your poor little angel was falling right into that incubi’s trap. Damn hot guys, they’ll be the death of you.

“(Y/n), get me a drink.”

Speaking of hot guys.

“Oh hey there Kaz, fancy seeing you here.”

You smiled and blinked your lashes at him, already working on getting his usual. Inej hid her smile from behind her drink, while the two boys watched your interaction with rapt attention, as per usual. Kaz, for his part, just clenched his jaw and attempted to look as bored as one could.

“Well, it is my club, or did you forget who pays you?”

“How could I ever forget the handsome devil that keeps me warm and safe?”

You set his drink in front of him and rested your elbows on the bartop, lips pulled into a bright grin and eyes full of mirth. He stared at you, still as unreadable as ever, and downed the drink in one go, gaze never leaving yours.

“I have business to attend to in my office, so unless the Harbor suddenly catches fire, I don’t want to be disturbed.”

And with that, he left, much to your disappointment.

“And that’s day how many of failing to flirt your way into his pants?”

You kept your eyes on the empty spot he left behind, lips pulled into a pout.

“Five-hundred and fifty-eight, not that I’m counting.”

Inej answered and you straightened up glaring at the two Crows.

“You guys are awful friends. This is why Wylan is my favourite.”

The aforementioned blonde smiled at you.

“Don’t worry, (Y/n), I bet it’ll work someday! You’re an awesome person, there’s no way he wouldn’t wanna date you.”

Bless his innocent heart.

----------

“(Y/n), my usual.”

You smiled and pulled the bottle label ‘For The Boss’ from the shelf. No one but him had the right to it.

“Right away, sir. Also, I think you should invest in some better alcohol.”

He frowned and stopped with the tumbler halfway to his face.

“What do you mean, is anyone complaining about the drinks?”

You pursed your lips.

“Well, not yet, but I wouldn’t want them to start attacking you once they realise you’re the most intoxicating thing here.”

You smiled at the barely-there blush on his cheeks, and couldn’t stop your disappointed pout as he made his way into his office, tumbler still in hand.

“Day five-hundred and ninety-seven was unsuccessful.”

You turned your head to see Jesper much too close to Wylan and took your water-filled spray bottle, spraying the older one’s head and upper body until he was at a respectable distance.

----------

“My usual.”

You dropped it in front of him, already having started to prepare it the minute he walked into the club.

“You know, I don’t understand how you can still be so energetic every day. Don’t you get tired from running through my dreams all night?”

He locked his jaw, but you noticed how he was biting the inside of his lip as if trying to suppress a smile. That’s progress, right? You tried harder and harder to convince yourself of that as you were faced with his back once more.

“Six-hundred and three.”

You took the glass from Inej’s hands and drank it all in one go.

----------

“Are you a Heartrender? Cause when I saw you, my heart stopped.”

“Six-hundred and eleven.”

----------

“Are you a Saint? Cause you answered all my prayers.”

“Six-hundred and twenty-two.”

----------

“Is there an Inferni in this club, or are you just that hot?”

He set his jaw and turned around, leaving his drink on the bartop. You finished it.

“Six-hundred and thirty-eight.”

That’s it.

----------

“(Y/n)-”

“Your usual, coming right up, boss.”

You poured the drink and set it in front of him, keeping your lips tilted up and your eyes downcast. As soon as he was served, you moved onto the other end of the bartop and started cleaning it.

From where you stood, you couldn’t see the clouded look on his face, but you could hear Jesper’s voice.

“Uh, (Y/n), are you doing alright?”

You turned to him and conjured up the brightest smile you could, something that looked blinding to any other patron, but faker than a glass diamond to those who knew you.

“Of course, why wouldn’t I be?”

Jesper tried not to worry at the way you didn’t even scold him for having his hand on Wylan’s waist. Kaz failed miserably at it. When he finished his drink and could no longer drag out his stay without being suspicious, he retreated to his office and asked one of his men to keep an eye on you.

----------

You were just getting ready to go to bed when you heard a knock at your door. You covered your mostly bare body with a silk robe, a gift from the Crows for your last birthday, and opened the door.

“Kaz.”

You blinked at him in shock.

“May I come in?”

You opened the door further, an invitation to enter your safe haven. Your apartment wasn’t much, just an open kitchen and living room, small bathroom, and a bedroom big enough for your bed and closet, but it was your home. You always made sure to buy the nice-smelling candles to mask the otherwise putrid scent of the Barrel’s streets, and you kept a religious cleaning schedule so as to not let this apartment become the mess it first was when you moved in. It’s not much, but it’s home.

“I’d ask how you know where I live since none of you guys has ever been here, but that would be pointless so just… what are you doing here?”

He looked a bit lost in your living room, everything decked out in soothing sage and creme colours, while he was wearing black, head to toe.

“I came to see if you were okay.”

You closed the door behind you and crossed your arms in front of your chest.

“Why wouldn’t I be?”

He stood a good ten feet away from you, more awkward than you’ve ever seen him, but somehow still maintaining that superior air to him, as if anyone else were mere mortals and he was the god ruling over them all. Maybe he was.

“You’ve been acting… strange, lately.”

You quirked a brow.

“How so?”

He seemed to be measuring every word that came out of his mouth, seemingly unsure about his very existence, which was a sight rarer than the birth of a Sun Summoner.

“You’ve been acting distant towards my Crows. Colder. And you seem to smile less, too.”

You huffed out a laugh and stared him down.

“Well, I’m sorry that I can’t just heal from a broken heart at the drop of a hat, boss. I’ll do my best to pretend to be happy for the crew’s sake. Was that all?”

He frowned and the hand around his cane tightened.

“Who’s the bastard?”

“You are.”

His stance faltered.

“What?”

You rolled your eyes and leaned against your kitchen counter.

“What? You thought you could ignore me for two years and have me go on as if nothing happened? After a while, it starts to take its toll. I deal with systematic rejection about as well as everyone else.”

“But that was just you joking. You weren’t actually serious.”

You dropped your head into your palms and sighed.

“Really? I’ve already decided to stop, you don’t have to ‘let me down gently’ or whatever the fuck it is you’re trying to do.”

He huffed.

“I’m not trying to do anything. It was a joke, you’re probably still joking right now.”

“For fuck’s sake, Kaz, will you stop that? It wasn’t a fucking joke, literally everyone in Ketterdam can see that I’m in lo-”

“Don’t you dare finish that sentence.”

You looked at him, eyes glassy from holding back tears.

“Why? Scared to hear the truth?”

His face was stone cold, pulled into a frown.

“That’s a lie I don’t ever want to hear.”

This man-

“I’m not fucking lying, Kaz!”

“Yes, you are.”

“And why, pray tell, would that be a lie?”

“Because you can’t fall in love with me!”

He yelled, and for a moment, you felt scared. This wasn’t Kaz, the man who gave you a job and a roof over your head, anymore. This was Dirtyhands. The Bastard of the Barrel. The cold-blooded murderer leading the Dregs.

“No one can. It’s impossible.”

He looked away from you, eyes trained on the carpet.

“Why would that be impossible?”

There was no answer, only his erratic breathing and the noise from outside.

“Kaz, why do you think you can’t be loved?”

Cause that’s what this was, wasn’t it? A deep-rooted, wrongful belief that he isn’t worthy of someone else’s affection.

His eyes never left the carpet, as if looking at you brought him too much pain.

“I don’t think, I know.”

Irrationally, it made you quite self-conscious. The carpet was second hand, found at a thrift shop, and the spot he was looking at had a wine stain that you had never fully managed to wash out.

“I can’t give you what you want. Contact, affection, sex. Hell, I can’t even touch someone’s skin with my bare hands without spiralling into a fucking panic attack! I’m fucking broken, (Y/n). I can’t be what you want. I’m incapable of loving, and unworthy of anyone’s love, much less your own.”

Thunder rumbled in the distance and when you looked out your balcony doors, the rain was pouring steadily. You opened the cabinet directly over your sink and ruffled through it until you found an unopened bottle of vodka.

“Come on, with me.”

You made your way out and into the balcony, sitting on the padded patio chairs, your greatest finds. You were lucky to be on the second floor, the third floor balcony protecting you from the rain and leaving you in a nice shelter, to enjoy the thunderstorm.

Kaz sat next to you on the only other chair and watched as you opened the bottle, flicked the cap to the streets below, and took a large swig directly from the bottle, handing it to him as an offering.

“I love thunderstorms. The smell of fresh rain replacing whatever disgusting thing is usually floating around, the grumbling of the thunder drowning out idiotic drunks. It’s like you’re in a whole new world.”

He passed you back the bottle and you wasted no time in drinking again.

“My parents never wanted a child. I was an accident, not meant to happen. But I still did. The kids at the village always reminded me of how lucky I was to have both my parents still, that neither of them were lost to the Fold. They weren’t ready for me, is the thing, they had no idea how to raise me.

“If they weren’t beating me, they were smothering me. If they weren’t smothering me, they were degrading me. All of that done 'for my good'. I flinched every time either of them raised their hand, and I still hate having anyone stand behind me, cause that’s when it was worst. When I couldn’t see it coming.

“It got even worse when they found out I was Grisha. It was an innocent mistake, really. Just a prick of my embroidery needle and all those secrets came spilling out. You see, the thing they don’t tell you about Grisha testing is that you can do it yourself. One sudden jab of pain and you don’t even need an amplifier.

“My parents hid me from everyone when they found out. Told them some story about me drowning in the lake. Turns out that having a Tailor child was quite useful to them, but they didn’t know how to train me, so they just went with the first thing they thought of. If pain manifested them in the first place, then maybe the pain was the key to me mastering my powers. For nine years, I endured whipping, cutting, starving, and insults thrown at me at every chance.

“When I was seventeen, I waited for them to leave for the yearly town fete, took any money they had, broke a window and ran. I hid in one of the skiffs and crossed the Fold. I figured that if I died, it would at least be quick, and if I didn’t, I’d get to start a new life.”

You turned towards him, a single tear cascading down your face. He followed it with his eyes before focusing back on yours.

“That’s when I met you and you offered me a job. A place to call home. You saved my life, whether you knew it or not.”

He cleared his throat and brought the bottle to his lips.

“I didn’t know. There are so many lost souls in the Barrel, after a while, you just become kind of numb to them. It’s routine.”

You nodded. That much was obvious.

“But anyway, I still can’t let anyone stand behind me, I hate the sound of screaming and shut down almost every time someone insults me. When anyone raises their hand, I have to forcefully remind myself that they aren’t going to beat me, and every day I fight off the reminder of my mother telling me that ‘no one would ever love a useless Grisha’. I understand your struggles, better than anyone could, probably, cause they’re very similar to mine. The difference is that I don’t let my trauma control my life. I’m too stubborn for that.”

You made sure he was paying attention to the next part.

“I’m just as broken as you are, Kaz Brekker, so telling me you’re unworthy of love would make me unworthy of it as well.”

He looked down at his lap.

“There’s still a problem. I myself am incapable of loving someone.”

You shook your head.

“That’s not true. You do it all day, every day. You love when you take away Jesper’s money so he’ll fight off his addiction. You loved when you bought Inej from the Menagerie so she’d be safe. You loved when you took in Wylan, despite not knowing anything about him, cause he had nowhere else to go. You love when you tell your crew to be safe. You love when you pay your employees much more than any other bar would cause you want them to have a good life. You love when you put yourself in danger in order to protect all of us. You love with your whole being, in a million different ways, and it’s a shame that people don’t see it for what it is, you especially.”

With a particularly large gulp, he finished the bottle and set it onto the floor.

“Do I love you, then?”

You smiled softly.

“I think you do. You always have me escorted home at night so I don’t get assaulted, you gave me the job that saved my life, you let me borrow your coats when I forget mine, you came to check up on me cause you noticed I was acting different and you wanted to change that… It sounds a whole lot like love to me.”

He stared into your eyes for a little while longer and the corner of his mouth quirked up.

“Alright.”

----------

“(Y/n)-”

“Your usual, already done.”

You smiled at him and for once, he smiled back. Close-mouthed and carefully turned away from any low-level employees, but he still did.

“Thank you, darling.”

“Anything for you.”

You turned back towards where the Crows were now gaping, looking between you and their boss with unrestrained glee.

You stretched the faucet sprayer until it was far enough to reach them and sprayer the entirety of Jesper’s torso.

“Paws off my little brother, you rascal.”

Alright! So that was all for my first Kaz fic. The idea kinda came into my head and then it wouldn’t fucking leave so I spent four hours writing it and another hour trying to FUCKING PUBLISH IT CAUSE MY STUPID COMPUTER WOULDN’T LET ME

So anyway if you liked it, don’t forget to like/comment/reblog, I’d appreciate it

«────── « ⋅ʚ♡ɞ⋅ » ──────»

-Love, Miah <3 edit: Okay, I read it over and fixed any obvious mistakes on my fucking phone cause my computer died before i could do that, it barely let me post this part. So, as soon as I get to my mum's, I'll steal her laptop, edit this properly, and update my masterlist as well, maybe, sounds like a good idea.

Taglists: (if your name is striked through it means for some reason tumblr wouldn’t let me tag you)

PERMA TAG

@adriannajackson123 @evermoreholland @inlovewithmobtom @andycanbeemotional @officiallyunofficialperson @lost-in-the-stars03 @jeezkiddo @a-singleboat @parkersbliss @highlydisfunctional1 @Ellyseveronica @inthecornerchair @harishaanne @anjalika03 @peterspideyy @lozzypoz321 @mendes-marvel @sovereignparker @bubbles-the-powerpuffgurl @sofyluv17 @dracoswhore007

[devdozes]

GUILTY AS SIN - KAZ BREKKER

//don’t ask me what this is dawg, i thought of it forever ago and wrote it half asleep and threw on an ending. leave me alone//

Pairing: Kaz x Crow!Reader

Word Count: 2,119

Summary: The little Songbird. A silly nickname for the Crow that likes to sing at the Club. When debuting a very personal, very specific song, the muse of that song - who isn’t supposed to know - is intrigued by the performance.

You were seated at the piano bench with Wylan while Jesper was bleeding fabric of color on the floor. You tapped your pencil against the notepad in your lap while Wylan played the same chords on the piano.

“I can’t get this chorus!” You groaned.

“What’s this song about? That Merchant’s son?” Jesper asked idly and you had to resist throwing your pencil at him.

“No, she’s writing about Kaz.” Wylan answered.

You whacked his arm with the notepad and he laughed.

“Just play the notes again.” You grumbled.

He was right, of course. Everyone knew of your crush on Kaz. It had started when you were younger and you figured you’d grow out of it. His cruelty seemed to guarantee it, yet he was kind enough to you. He was a very confusing man, especially as he grew into the feared Barrel Boss.

But still, your heart yearned and who were you to deny it?

You let your crush exist, burning under your skin when he was around. When you met his eyes in the crowded Club, your pulse jumped. When you two were partnered for a job, your nerves were electrified. When he spoke to you, you melted. Oh Saints, were you in deep.

Wylan, with a grin still plastered on his face, began the notes. You hummed along, finding the general flow of syllables.

“What if he’s written mine on my upper thigh, only in my mind?” Your voice drifted with the music and Wylan nodded along.

“One slip and falling back into the hedge maze. Oh, what a way to die.” Jesper added from the floor.

“I keep recalling things we never did.”

“Messy top lip kiss.” Jesper teased. He was lucky your legs weren’t long enough to kick him past Wylan.

“How I long for our trysts.” Wylan continued and you pinched him, making him yelp.

“Without ever touching his skin, how can I be guilty as sin?” You finished then squealed in delight. “I like that!”

“You should be more honest though.” Jesper said, standing and leaning on the piano. Your brows furrowed and he grinned.

You suddenly regretted his input.

“You should say something about wanting to bed him.” He laughed and you stood calmly. Wylan leaned out of the way and let you fully whack Jesper on the arm.

The boys laughed and you shook your head with a smile as you jotted down the lyrics you all came up with. You worked through the next verse with them and started a bridge. You adjusted a few lines in the chorus when it rolled around a second time, then found your favorite line.

I choose you and me, religiously.

You has chosen to be at Kaz’s side every time, without fail. You wondered if he noticed, then doubted he paid that much attention.

Later that week, there were no upcoming jobs to prepare for. There was no fight to ready yourself for. There was hardly any opposition since Pekka Rollins disappeared. So you found yourself, and friends, falling into your usual downtime routines.

Nina and Matthias playfully argued about something trivial. Wylan and Jesper made nonsense bets with each other, occasionally roping in Nina and Matthias, that usually ended with owing the other a drink or some treat. Kaz was nowhere to be seen, which wasn’t entirely unusual.

And you took to the stage.

Wylan had done several copies of the music for the few members of the band you recruited. While they played, you sang and lightly danced. You captivated the crowd, watching the women giggle and exchange glances at your lyrics. It seemed like they all had their own versions of that special type of crush.

The lyric change for the second chorus came up and you watched Jesper’s reaction specifically.

“My bedsheets are ablaze. I’ve screamed his name. Building up like waves, crashing over my grave.”

Jesper nearly spit out his drink and you grinned.

The grin quickly fell away and your body went ice cold when you noticed who had slid into the booth with your friends.

Kaz Brekker.

“I choose you and me, religiously.”

You finished your song and curtised to your applauding crowd. You smiled kindly before you hopped off the stage. Jesper was whistling loudly and waving

you over but you shook your head. You hid behind your hand to make your way through the dense crowd, making yourself scarce for the rest of the night.

Finally, though unsure how, you made it back to your room. The laces of your bodice had felt suffocating tight all night after seeing Kaz so as soon as your door shut, you pulled at the ends and took a deep breath.

You had sang in front of Kaz before. He said you had talent the first time he heard, and he was the one who offered you the stage whenever you wanted it. But singing that song in front him felt like you were holding a large sign that said “IM IN LOVE WITH YOU” with a bright red arrow pointing to yourself.

What else was he to think?

I dream of cracking locks = Kaz.

Without ever touching his skin = Kaz.

Every single lyric felt like an allusion to Kaz and you felt

stupider than ever.

You changed into something to sleep in and had just gotten the flush to leave your skin when a quick knock sounded at your door. You groaned quietly and flopped back onto your bed when you called for them to enter. You folded your arms under your head and stared at the ceiling as they came in. The door shut gently behind them, then a few seconds later, the bed dipped with their weight as they sat near your feet.

“If you’ve come to gloat about your lyric suggestion, I’m going to shove you off with my foot.” You warned, assuming it was Jesper.

You were wrong.

“Is that how you welcome all your guests?” He asked and you bolted upright.

You nearly collided with him but he seemed unfazed.

“I was expecting Jesper.” You admitted.

“He was very excited about your lyrics.” He nodded. “You gave him quite the ego boost.”

You groaned and fell back against your mattress again.

“Why are you here?” You asked the ceiling.

“Your song…”

“My song.” You sighed, closing your eyes in embarrassment and to brace yourself for his berating. “It wasn’t something you were meant to hear.”

“I assumed as much when you practically ran from the Club stage.” He agreed, tapping his cane rhythmically against the floor.

“Yes, well, I don’t exactly enjoy being mortified.”

“Though I’m not sure why you ran from me.”

Did he really not put it together?

You sat up on your elbows and gave him a dumbfounded expression. You doubted Kaz Brekker couldn’t figure out the truth behind your song, so you decided you’d play dumb too. The Saints themselves wouldn’t be able

to get you to outright admit to that song being very much so about Kaz, so there’s no way he would get it out of you easily.

“That song was very vulnerable.” You carefully admitted, watching for a reaction but getting nothing. “You weren’t supposed to know.”

“Seemed like you wanted someone to know.”

“Not specifically.” You mumbled. “I blame Jesper and Wylan. They helped me write it and then convinced me to sing it…”

He nodded slightly and you let out a sigh. You pushed yourself to sit up and crossed your legs in front of you. Kaz shifted slightly and intently looked at your expression. You had both lips between your teeth with your brows raised, waiting for him to say something.

“Did you like the song, at least?” You finally asked.

The corner of his mouth lifted into a small smile. “I’ve never heard anything like it.”

You refrained from swatting him with your pillow. Instead, you huffed and rolled your eyes.

“You do realize that could be both insult and compliment, right?”

That half smile grew a little wider and that time, you did hit him with the pillow.

“Jackass.” You laughed and tucked your pillow into your lap.

“Tell me.” He said. “You said ‘there’s no such thing as bad thoughts.’ Did you write that line?”

You nodded. “My sister told me that when we were little, before she was recruited for the Second Army… I was struggling with my first crush and she said that it was okay to think things about people. It mainly mattered what I did with those thoughts.”

“And who do you have thoughts about now?” He asked, his voice barely a whisper.

You pursed your lips and looked down at your scrunched pillow in your lap. It was the perfect opportunity to tell him, you recognized that, but that would mean telling him. The weight of the secret coming off your shoulders was tempting, but the fear of losing your current relationship gripped your heart tightly.

You two didn’t have the same closeness as you did with Wylan or Jesper. You could tell those two anything. Often times you did. But you and Kaz had an unspoken understanding to watch the other’s back. You never feared walking the Barrel or pissing someone off - unusually unintentionally - because you knew Kaz was there for you. In turn, Kaz knew he could depend on you for your part of the job or just your support for his death defying plans.

You were the first to agree to the Ice Court and you two had been an unexpectedly natural pair ever since.

“A man that I'll never quite get over, I fear.” You answered vaguely. “But I doubt I’ll ever truly have.”

“Then he’s a fool.” He said honestly, but the look on his face told you he hadn’t meant to say it.

“No.” You smiled softly. “It’s just… different. He’s different and complicated. I’d choose him and I if I had the chance.”

You were ignoring the fact that you did, in fact, have the chance.

“Complicated…” Kaz repeated.

“Among other things. But that’s one of the things about him.” You looked at your hands rather than him. “He’s clever and caring, but in a ‘I’d rather yell at you for being reckless than tell you I care about your life’ kind of way. And he does these subtle things to show he pays attention and he listens, but if you ever bring it up to him, he’ll deny it. He’s tough to get through to, but if you mean something to him, Saints, he’d burn Ketterdam to the ground to protect you.”

“And you feel guilty having these feelings for him?”

You looked up at him. “Not exactly… It’s more about whether or not I should feel guilty for thinking of him like that.”

“Because you think it's unrequited?”

“I’m almost sure it is. I’ve never seen him have feelings for anyone, except one woman, and it’s not the same with me.” You shook your head sadly.

“Y/N.” He hesitated.

Your brows furrowed. You’d never seen Kaz hesitate.

“You alright, Kaz?” You reached a hand for his arm, a gesture you did with the rest of the Crows without hesitation, then thought the better of it. “What’s wrong?”

“You’re wrong.” He answered carefully.

That answer cleared up nothing.

“About why he treats you differently.” He continued while staring at his hands and you listened quietly, trying to figure out what on earth the man was talking about. “It’s not because he doesn’t care. It’s because he cares about you and that frightens him. Last time he cared about someone, he still lost her. He doesn’t want the same to happen with you.”

“What are you…” You trailed off. Then it hit you. “Oh.”

His hand landed on your leg.

“How did you know?” You asked, not knowing if you should be excited or embarrassed.

Probably both. Both felt right.

“You weren’t exactly subtle.” He joked and you picked up the pillow to whack him again. “And Jesper told me.”

“Saints, that man can run his mouth.” You complained. “I’m going to stop telling him things.”

“Am I bad? Or mad? Or wise?” Kaz repeated your lyrics to you. “To have these feelings about you? To have these thoughts about you?”

“Someone told me there’s no such thing as bad thoughts.” You smiled slightly at him.

It’d be a trial to date Kaz. You always figured it would be, considering his temper and violent tendencies and touch aversion. But the look in his eyes, open and pleading, had you immediately choosing to try.

I choose you and me, religiously. 

Your smile grew a little wider when you felt his finger moving against your leg. 

M-I-N-E

[devdozes]

if the crows had instagram

pairing; kaz brekker x female!reader, crows x platonic!reader warnings: cursing, I think that’s it? slight ooc bc they don't actually have social media lmaoooo a/n: I love the usernames guys it's my favorite part Masterlist | Taglist | Prompt List

Liked by inejsknife, kuweimayo, and 82 others.

(Y/U/N) we take our job running the streets of ketterdam very seriously 😉

view all 19 comments

kbrekker please do consider this a formal threat to any of our rivals out there.

inejsknife we WILL take you out

→ gamblingaddict2 on a date?

→ wylanvanew to ur grace 🪦

→ (Y/UN) grave?

→ wylanvanew bro I’m dyslexic stfu

xoxonina guys i look soooo sexy after killing somone

→ matthias.helvar 🤦‍♂️

→ xoxonina 😻😻 I don’t hear an argument

→ (Y/U/N) u do look so sexy babe

Liked by actuallynickfr, thecounciloftides and 99 others

(Y/U/N) girls go to college to get more knowledge, boys go to Jupiter and get stupider 😘

view all 24 comments

wylanvanew @/gamblingaddict2 she’s talking bout u

→ gamblingaddict2 I didn’t get stupider

→ kbrekker Yeah, you got a gambling addition and that’s so much better. 🙄

→ kuweimayo OOOOH HE CLOCKED YOUUU 🫵🏼🫵🏼

→ xoxonina ain’t no way we get a kuwei comment before gta6

→ matthias.helvar You don’t even play gta?

→ xoxonina no one does ITS NOT OUT

→ (Y/U/N) we can just play gta with the carriages wdym

→ inejsknife y'all talking about gta when we should be playing assassins creed

→ xoxonina you play that everyday in real life inej 🤨

Liked by msgenya, wylanvanew and 192 others

(Y/U/N) late happy birthday post to the guy who has the whole city at his feet. may you grow wiser and we get richer 🩷

view all 38 comments

kbrekker Where did you get this photo.

→ (Y/U/N) 🤭 my collection

gamblingaddict2 HE SMILES???

xoxonina guys this doesn’t feel real

→ kbrekker It’s not.

→ (Y/U/N) it is

inejsknife kaz smiling before gta6?

wylanvanew nah this is fake af

→ (Y/U/N) as fake as ur dyslexia

→ wylanvanew omfg

matthias.helvar he doesn’t look so demon like here 🤔

→ kbrekker I AM a demon. 🙂

actuallynickfr yooo happy birthday my guy!! 🥳

→ kbrekker Thanks.

Liked by perhasel, jooooost, and 67 others.

(Y/U/N) the beauty of Ravka awaits...

view all 22 comments

inejsknife she’s so peaceful when she’s not threatening someone

→ (Y/U/N) stoppppp 🥰🥰🥰

→ matthias.helvar I don’t think it’s a compliment.

→ inejsknife no it is

xoxonina BABES COME BACKKK we miss you!!!

gamblingaddict2 no seriously @/(Y/U/N) Kaz is like SO mean now

→ kbrekker You’re all just stupider now.

→ gamblingaddict2 SEE

wylanvanew bring back gifts. expensive gifts. 😊

→ (Y/U/N) with what money?

→ kbrekker The money I pay you?

zo.nav CANT WAIT TO SEE U

→ (Y/U/N) I have so much tea for you

actuallynickfr we are so excited to host you!

gamblingaddict2 guys pls let her come back tho like kaz is gonna kill me

→ inejsknife ^ last night he threw a painting at us 😔

→ matthias.helvar he is angry without his misses

→ xoxonina he ate my waffle 😭

→ kbrekker will you all shut up

🏷️ taglist: @navs-bhat, @alexxavicry @thelaststraw3, @smol-book-nerd @pinksstrawberry @cwritesforfun @metzz @renaissancewhxre @guacam011y, @d-a-r-k-s-w-a-n @black-rose-29

[devdozes]

Y/N: *Snaps at someone for the first time*

Y/N: That felt good. I get why you do that.

Kaz: Wait till you get actual fist to face contact. That’s a real high.

[devdozes]

if this is the last time

summary : he knew death was common to all, and that no one really outlives anyone. but the one thing he didn't know was that he was going to outlive his sister.

pairing : kaz brekker x sister!reader

warnings : major character death, blood, angst, sad!kaz, crying, weapons, language.

author's note : i wrote this instead of studying history and im so proud of this one, enjoy <3

tagged : @mrs-brekker15

masterlist

----------

despite the word on the street that kaz brekker didn't need a reason, he didn't do anything without any reason.

he didn't do jobs out of pure boredom or lack of something to do, though jesper would disagree, he did them having his reasons.

some would say that he was just a criminal, stripped of his past, extracting revenge from the city that changed the lives of hundreds of people everyday. others would disagree and say that he did what he had to do, just like every other human.

but only she knew his reasons. she was one of them, afterall.

she knew what happened all those years ago, she was there. how this cruel and unforgiving town changed the lives of two children. how it's unforgivable nature took the children's innocence from them.

both of them did what they had to do, to survive. if not for themselves, for the other. they were all they had.

they both learnt the ways of this city. lay low but mark your territory. if you slip, you lose. and if you lose, you die.

kaz brekker came to known as the bastard of the barrel, making his ways, painting the streets red and taking his place as the leader of the dregs.

y/n brekker came to be known as the one you should fear when the night fell, for she was a shadow and in dark, you can't see.

ketterdam was dark afterall.

dark and dead, cold and unforgiving. you'll see.

----------

"you know, kaz, you're a fucking piece of shit."

jesper snorted as he heard what y/n said, followed by the sound of glass breaking. quickly looking down to escape kaz's glare, he still failed to stop smiling as the younger brekker threw another glass at her brother.

"i thought we established that," kaz said as moved slightly back, towards where he knew inej was, "and please, those glasses are expensive."

"i thought we agreed to let me go on this," y/n spoke as she picked up a knife, "alone."

kaz was about to speak again but refrained because he knew his sister would chop him and dump his body in the sea if he said anything.

"look, just this heist," kaz spoke after a moment, when he was sure she wouldn't throw the knife, "it's a big one and you'll be needing all the help you can get."

y/n knew he was right, but she hated doing her job with people, even if they were her best friends and brother. she hated the feeling that if something went wrong on her end, they'll pay the price.

"just this one," she said, keeping the knife back at it's place, "but after this, it's me. alone on the jobs."

kaz nodded as he picked up his cane, bid goodbye to inej and y/n, glared at jesper as he was no help and went out.

"well, as much as i love watching the brekker siblings fight," jesper said as he stood up, "wylan and i are going to a museum, it's a date."

y/n smiled at him, she knew how madly in love jesper and wylan were with eachother. they were perfect for eachother.

"yeah, i'm gonna head out too," y/n spoke looking at her friends, "i told kaz that i was gonna bring him cake from the cafe down the 5th harbour."

"kaz likes cake?" jesper questioned, as if she was mad, "cake? kaz?"

"um yeah, like a normal human."

"kaz isn't human."

throwing an apple at jesper on her way, y/n finally left the slat's kitchen.

it was something about the slat that made her nostalgic. she didn't know what it was, maybe the feeling that the people that she considered her family were living right with her or the fact that she had her brother with her, always and forever and after that.

as she walked down the streets of the city she deemed cruel to the nature, she realised maybe that was it.

slat wasn't home when she was alone there. when everyone was out doing their thing and when she couldn't go out. it didn't feel like a home to her. but then she supposed, she didn't really know the meaning of the word home.

but living with the crows, having somebody care for you all while calling you an asshole, really made her miss the feeling that never really was there.

it was only a home for her when it had her family in there. only a home with the people she would die for and they would die for her.

it was blessings to have this in your life, a rare blessing y/n wasn't even sure she deserved. not after what she became. but still, it was a blessing.

it was blessing to know that someone would want to have a funeral for you.

----------

"i hate this fucking family and its stupid rules."

"saints," y/n said as she hid her smile behind the cheap but fancy looking fan she was holding, "who the fuck taught the merchling swear words?"

silence answered her and then it hit her.

"oh, i see."

kaz rolled his eyes as he walked in front of his crows.

"wylan, look," jesper began, "you just have to pretend to be matthias' and nina's adopted child. okay? this is easy, i have to be a merchant, like those bastards are so fucking pretentious."

"you'll do brilliant, wylan," inej offered.

"as always," y/n said with a small but genuine smile, "and no, this does not mean you'll get to drink champagne there. you're seventeen, next year, son."

"and they say that they don't treat like a kid," wylan grumbled under his breathe.

it was no secret that every crow was eighteen expect for wylan. which meant that whenever their was alcohol involved, wylan sat with juice in his hand.

"yeah, son," nina said with a smirk as she walked hand in hand with matthias, "or you'll be grounded."

"are you sure that i'll pass as their kid?" wylan questioned kaz, "i mean, do i really look like a child?"

their silence told him what he needed to know.

"you're all assholes, i hope you all know that."

"the whole of ketterdam knows that, sunshine."

----------

"alright," kaz said as they group stopped a few blocks down to where the party was, "inej will be the lookout. matthias, nina and wylan with go in and pretend to be interested in buying the kascray estate and hopefully it'll lead to where the papers are.

" jesper with go in as a merchant, interested in expanding his trade to foreign and they'll tell him the right people to talk to. i will be one of the guards, so it'll all be in my sight. and you y/n..."

all the eyes turned to her and saw her playing with a fan she was holding, trying to open it in one go but stopped as it smacked her.

"ow, son of a bitch." she looked up, "oh hey."

"focus," kaz sighed, "you'll go in as the daughter of juan wil des and extract information about how much are they willing to sell the kascray estate for."

"go it," she said as she threw a peace sign and moved towards the house but turned back, "can i made up my own name? please?"

"sure," kaz said as he looked at his watch, "we should go."

"how is she feared in ketterdam, i'll never know," jesper mumbled as he picked up his pace to catch up with kaz and annoy him.

"no mourners."

y/n voice halted everyone. "for luck guys," she smiled at them. "no mourners."

"no funerals."

it was a reminder, that if you fuck this shit up and die, no one will pay for you funeral and even attend it which kinda made y/n retract her statement about how it was blessing to have someone who would want a funeral for you because clearly these assholes weren't gonna be paying. but still.

it was nice to have a family.

----------

when their plan went to shit, kaz didn't know.

you know what? he didn't want to. because he was sure if he found out, he would murder someone and he pinky promised y/n no more murders until her birthday.

what kaz was actually worrying about was if his friends were safe. if his sister was okay.

he didn't need the estate, no. not at the cost of his family.

he just needed to find them and it'd be fine. they'll be back in slat. safe and sound.

he turned around the corner and was startled to see y/n running towards him. her dress was torn at the seam, her hair were messed up but she looked fine. safe and sound.

"kaz."

"y/n, are you fine?" kaz questioned as he led her to a corner, "what happened?"

"pekka rollins knew we were here, he paid stadwatch to search every guest and they found me. i am so, so, so sorry, kaz," y/n explained as she looked around, "it's all my fault."

"just stop, okay?" kaz sighed as he leaned on his cane, "it's fine, the kascray estate wasn't that important anyway."

"weren't you saying the other day that that estate was important to you?" his sister raised an eyebrow.

not important than you, i am glad you're okay.

"it was, but clearly, you fucked this up. but it's alright that you're not chopped up to pieces."

kaz wanted to bang his head on the wall.

"uh, okay, yeah. cool, i guess?" y/n said as she looked down and leaned on the wall.

kaz noticed how she was leaning more on her left side and how she kept looking down and touching her stomach.

"did you get hurt?" he questioned.

"um, i- uh, yes," y/n admited as she looked down once again, "i don't feel it right now cause of adrenaline so i don't know how bad."

kaz looked at her stomach, and with her permission, lifted the lace that was covering it and saw red.

it was a stab wound, a single line but a big one. blood was leaking out of it, staining her dress.

"is it bad," y/n asked nervously as she saw her brother's face go blank, "oh, it's bad, isn't it?"

she had started to look down but kaz stopped her by using the blunt end of his cane to force her to look at him.

"it's fine," he said, trying to keep it together, "you're fine."

"i am not fine, am i?" she asked but it sounded more like a statement.

"you're fine, it's fine," kaz said as he led her down the corridor, "we just have to find nina."

"kaz! y/n!"

the pair turned around and saw jesper running with his guns in his hands. he had obviously been running for some time by the looks of it.

"saints, the plan gone to shit," jesper panted as he placed his hands on his waist, "are you both okay?"

"yes."

"i don't know, my brother's not telling me shit."

jesper looked at them, then at kaz and finally at the bloodstain.

"fuck, what happened?" he said as he moved to support y/n.

"she's fine, jesper," kaz said through gritted teeth as he moved side by side, "we just need to get to nina."

"she's-uh," the sharpshooter stumbled over his words, "she's on the other side of the mansion."

"we'll make it," kaz spoke but y/n thought he was speaking to himself.

"kaz," jesper signed, "we won't, this is big estate. y/n won't be able to take it. we need a medik."

"that is our best shot," kaz shot back, speeding up, "she's needs to see nina, jesper."

"kaz..."

it was y/n was spoke this time.

the adrenaline was fading and y/n asked herself how she was able to walk like this. her right side felt like it was on fire and she could barely stand still. despite kaz saying she'll make it, she knew she won't. she accepted that.

"i won't make it."

kaz brekker had touched death on numerous occasions. after losing jordie, death wasn't something that he feared. it was something he controlled.

but now as he watched his sister bleed out, he wondered why he ever felt like he could control death when he clearly couldn't this.

"you'll make it," he spoke after a moment, "you..."

you have to.

she just smiled sadly at him.

----------

"does it hurt?"

y/n opened her eyes to see kaz in front of her.

the siblings were now out in the streets in an alleyway, with jesper gone to find nina, or even inej.

y/n was laying down with her back to the wall, kaz pacing in front of her.

"it used to, back in," she answered, her voice coming out weak, "now it's just numb."

a moment of silenced passed between the two.

"it's not your fault, you know," kaz said, "it could've been anyone. i don't blame you."

y/n smiled at him but in her state, it might have been a grimace.

"i-," y/n stopped herself, "um, thank you. for protecting me. and for everything. i'm grateful for it all, kaz. truly."

kaz's lips quirked up as he sat down on a crate in front of her, and the two fell silent.

"i'm sorry," kaz said.

it was the first time he said that in years. the last time he said those words, it was to y/n, after jordie's death.

then, kaz wasn't sure what he was apologizing for. their brother's death? their brother's mistake? he didn't know.

but now, he knew exactly what he was apologizing for. for not protecting her, for not taking the hit, for leaving her vulnerable.

he felt responsible then and he felt responsible now.

and as kaz brekker sat in the dead of the night, in front of his sister's dying form, he wondered if he ever will be responsible for anything but death.

-----------

"i am sorry, i- i can't do anything."

nina zenik rarely cried. in fact, she liked to tell that she never cried at all. but she sat in front of her best friend and unable to do nothing about her, she cried.

"hey, hey," y/n said as she moved slightly and winced as the needles crept up her body, "please, nina. don't cry. it's okay."

her voice was down to a whisper, her skin sickly and her forehead in a layer of sweat.

"i'm so sorry," nina spoke as she held her hand, "i can't do anything."

"it's okay, you tried your best. you did," y/n spoke, "it's okay. i'll be fine."

jesper fahey was the first one to say goodbye.

he knelt in front of the person he considered his sister and smiled.

"hey," he spoke as he moved her hair back and kissed her forehead, "you're so strong you know that, right? you're so brave and i'm so proud of you. you did good, y/n/n."

he was gone after that, unable to hold back tears.

wylan hendriks was next.

he just hugged her carefully as tears streamed down his face and said that he was sorry that he couldn't do anything.

he followed jesper out.

matthias helvar followed. he looked down at her and smiled. a proud smile that conveyed the thousand things he wanted to say. he bid a respectful goodbye and exited the alley.

nina zenik was next. she hugged her, kissed her cheek, said sorry but stayed by her side. she stayed until she had to go.

she stayed until she couldn't bear to.

inej ghafa always considered y/n her long lost sister. she kissed her head, sent a prayer to her saints and left, following nina, giving kaz and y/n space.

kaz brekker didn't do goodbyes.

he never had to. but the truth was he didn't get a chance to.

kaz sat in front on her next and looked at her. she still looked like the girl who used to run behind him, calling him 'kazzo' and ate his toffees. she looked like the girl who used to love different types of leaves and bring them home just to show him.

y/n looked at kaz and for the first time in a long time, she didn't saw kaz brekker, leader of the dregs. she saw her brother, kaz reitveld. the one who used to scare away boys when they brought her flowers. the one who used to give her his share of hot chocolate when she used to finish hers.

the one who was always there whenever she fell and helped her on her feet.

"don't blame yourself," y/n said, "i know you, you'll find a way to blame yourself, you always do. don't, please."

"it's my fault," kaz said, and after a long time, he felt his eyes sting, "i should've seen it coming."

"nobody could've seen it coming, kaz," she said as she moved to sit up better but winced, "it's okay. you'll be fine."

you'll be fine.

kaz knew he never would be fine after this. how was he supposed to move on from this? he knew he was gonna have to get accustomed to seeing her room's door closed, her chair at the table empty, her missing.

how was he supposed to get used to this?

"i left a will, you know," y/n said, her eyes were closed, her breathing uneven, "just in case. like a cliche motherfucker, it's in my desk drawer. read it. please, and for me, move on."

the alleyway grew silent. kaz was looking down and he feared that if he looked up, he'll see her dead eyes looking back at him.

"y/n?" he spoke after she didn't speak, "y/n?"

he looked up and saw her.

she looked at peace. her eyes were closed, her chest still.

a tear fell down kaz's cheek. he thought that he'd be fine, he'll be ready for when she didn't answer. he wasn't.

he wanted to hear her say his name one more time, he wanted to fight with her about his office's decor, he wanted her to open her eyes and speak to him. just one last time.

someone should've shot him, it would've hurt less.

----------

her funeral was a simple affair.

the whole slat was silent, overcome with a melancholy silence.

everyone was mourning in their own way.

jesper was drinking and gambling away, trying to get his mind off her.

wylan was shut in his room, barely coming out.

nina was not eating, she just drank coffee and had breakfast.

matthias was not smiling, just keeping to himself. trying to keep his mind off things.

inej started going out more, just to feel something else but pain and sadness.

kaz didn't know how to grieve.

he cried, he threw things in anger, he screamed and he did everything to feel some sort of closure. but at the end of the day, he felt the same pain.

as kaz sat in his office, his eyes caught sight of a picture y/n brought him last year.

in that picture, y/n and kaz was standing side by side, kaz was looking off camera glaring while y/n was laughing at something.

he smiled at the picture, thinking why he couldn't turn back time. he needed her. he needed her to tell him that it'd be fine. but he didn't have her, she left.

in some twisted way, kaz was angry. why couldn't she be careful? why did she have to go and get stabbed?

a knock on his door broken him out of his thoughts.

he cleared his throat and muttered a small 'come in'.

the door opened to reveal jesper. his eyes were bloodshot, he had clearly been crying.

jesper took one look at kaz and sat down on of the armchairs by his desk.

"ketterdam really breaks it out of us, doesn't it," jesper said, "i hate this city."

kaz didn't say anything but he agreed. he hated this city.

he hated his city for taking his family from him. he hated the dark alleyways which seemed to mock him whenever he passed them. he hated the chilly air of sea whenever he was out.

he hated this city for witnessing his beginning and his end. but he supposed that was a new beginning for a new kaz.

she knew what happened all those years ago, she was there. she witnessed how this town changed lives of hundreds of people in seconds. she was one of them.

both of them did what they had to do, to survive. if not for themselves, for the other. they were all they had.

they both learnt the ways of this city. lay low but mark your territory. slip, you lose. and if you lose, you die.

kaz brekker came to known as the bastard of the barrel, making his ways, painting the streets red and taking his place as the leader of the dregs.

y/n brekker was known as the one you should fear when the night fell, for she became a shadow, and in the dark, you couldn't see.

ketterdam was dark afterall.

dark and dead, cold and unforgiving. you saw.

----------

[devdozes]

"Grishaverse" Masterlist

Kaz Brekker/Reader

Three Taps 

~ Three taps means "I love you"

Soulmate (names) ✨

Greatest Investment (2/2) 

~ Reader witness the almost-kiss between Kaz and Inej...oops!

dark days 

~ Stuck in a locked vault together with a limited air supply

You’re human, so be it 

~ Warning: reader is written as a victim of past abuse experiencing traumatic flashbacks

Forgotten 

~ Kaz loses his memory of the reader and their relationship after a failed hiest

Intruder 

~ Civilian! Reader is secretly married to Kaz

Soulmate (colored marks)✨

I Love You 

~ First time "I love you" said from Kaz to reader

My Reason 

~ Kaz tries to protect the reader, it backfires terribly

Accidental Exposures 

~ Kaz and reader have been secretly married and are hiding it from the Crows

Initials 

~ Reader has a ring with initials on it...whose could they possibly be?

Waves ✨ 

What If I Don’t Want You To 

~ Flirty reader with Kaz

Schat 

~ Kaz gives Healer! Reader a nickname...only problem is she has no idea what it means

Traditions 

~ Kaz is jealous that Reader starts getting drinks with Jesper after heists, instead of him

If This Is The Last Time

~ Sister! Reader, heavy angst, major character death

Five Times Kaz Denied His Feelings and One Time He Didn’t 

Fateful Words ✨ 

~ First words soulmate AU

Nikolai Lantsov/Reader

Ridiculous, Right? 

~ Nikolai falls in love with a servant

Unbearable 

~ Arranged marriage AU, Royal! Reader

~ Part 2: Authentic 

An Exhausted Smile 

~ Marriage of convenience with mutual pining

Dreams of You 

~ Nikolai can't stop sleepwalking into reader's room

The Art of Pretension 

~ Fake marriage with Nikolai to avoid a disastrous arranged marriage

A Sea of Lies (3/3)

~ Tidemaker! Reader is given a mission to spy on Sturmhond by the Darkling

The Darkling (Aleksander Morozova)/Reader

His Name ✨

~ Sun Summoner! Reader, "soulmate's name on wrist" AU

Just Enough (5/5) 

~ Reader is Aleksander's wife

Back From the Dead ✨

~ Reincarnation soulmate AU

Soulmate (healing wounds) ✨

Soulmate (scars) ✨

My Love Will Never Die 

~ Immortal!Reader was married to Aleksander before he was the Black Heretic...both think the other is dead

No Stranger to the Dark

~ Good Samaritan! Reader takes care of an injured Aleksander

A Drop That Wore Away the Stone Around His Heart (6/6) 

~ Reader is appointed as the Darkling's personal servant

Saint’s Help You If You Harm Her 

~ Reader becomes the Darkling's new maid

The Darkling/Alina Starkov

A Sun in Retrograde (60/60)

~ Alina time-travels back to the crossing of the Fold; I really like this fic because it levels out the power imbalance between Aleksander and Alina and deals with all the yummy complicated feelings of being immortal

The Blacksmith’s Daughter (12/12) 

~ Alina has a marriage of convenience with Aleksander (who is on the run with Baghra)

On the Steps of the Palace (7/7)  

~ Cinderella AU

Firefalls (11/11) 

~ Alina time travels to when Aleksander was a young man

Sunblindness (16/16) 

~ Alina develops amnesia after season 1

all along there was some, invisible string, tying to you to me (2/2) ✨

~ Soulmate AU first words

As Close As Shadows (6/6) 

~ Alina tries to get pregnant so she can avoid the Ravkan draft

The Tale of the Darkling Prince 

~ Prince Lindworm AU

The Tale of Alina and the Golden Thread 

~ Rumpelstiltskin AU, Aleksander is a dark fae

excited you might come along (when all your faith is failing) 

~ Arranged marriage AU, Alina doesn't know her powers yet

The Empress, Robed in Sun (30/30)

~ Alina is the Empress of Shu Han

Matthias Helvar/Reader

Fire and Ice 

~ Inferni! Reader and Matthias get stuck in a snow storm 

Matthias x Inferni! Reader 

Moth to a Flame 

~ Forced proximity trope

Like It Was The Very First Night 

~ Reader was married to Matthias in Fjerda before he discovered that they were a Grisha; reunion in Ketterdam

Staying Undercover 

~ Grisha! Reader is sent on a mission with Matthias

Only a Medik

~ Reader is hiding being a Corporalki Healer in Ketterdam...of course her patient is Matthias

[devdozes]

smut is great but do you know what’s better? heart wrenching, soul twisting angst that makes you want to cry (take my money)

[devdozes]

Bruises and scars

Pairing: Kaz Brekker x fem! tidemaker! reader Summary: Kaz Brekker believed he was too broken and bruised to ever count on you reciprocating his childish crush. You were a powerful Grisha, someone who wouldn't be content to be in a relationship with the human shell that he was. That's why he gives you the cold shoulder, that's why he avoids you like the water you wield so well, that's why he tried to drive you away after the day you confessed your feelings to him. Kaz Brekker couldn't love anyone. It would not be beneficial to either side. But Kaz Rietveld rises from the dead, reminding him of what it's like to feel unconditional, blind love. And he won't give up. Not until he gets his girl back... isn't it too late for that, though? Warning(s): Kaz and his trauma; violence; he's afraid of his feelings but loves the reader; generally Kazzle misses the reader; angst with fluff; I'm a sucker for happy endings, but the boy suffered WITHOUT HIS INVESTMENT; mentions of de@th and bl00d Word count: 7,4k

Counting days, counting days since my love up and got lost on me

"You're sending Jesper to do your dirty work for you? I didn't know you were afraid to talk to one of your own crows." you stormed into his office without even bothering to knock. Kaz swallowed. He really should have been better prepared for this conversation. After all, he knew you wouldn't give up so easily. "What is this?" you asked, slamming the wad of paper onto his desk.

"I thought you could read. This is your next job." he replied calmly, not looking up from the papers in his hand.

"In some snobbish fucking king's palace? Are you kidding me?"

"Nikolai isn't that bad. You'll see when you get there."

"And what makes you think that I will voluntarily leave Ketterdam, the club, my friends, and the Crows for two bloody years, Kaz?" for the first time since you walked into his office, he looked up from his papers, fixing you with a cool, impassive gaze.

"That I'm your boss, and you have to obey me. You needed a reminder, judging by the tone of voice you use when you speak to me."

"Was it because of what I said to you when I almost..."

"No!" he growled at you, stopping you from finishing your sentence. That day had already joined his nightmares anyway. He didn't have to constantly recall your almost-death. "It has nothing to do with it." he said, hoping that would put an end to your conversation and went back to writing down the numbers.

"Do not lie to me. I know when you do it, Kaz. You got scared because I said I love…"

"You can go and get ready, Y/N." he said without looking up from the paper he was holding. He had never felt her gaze so hot and intense on him before. They always glanced furtively at each other, discreetly indulging in the silly fantasy of loving each other.

Like they could ever afford to live a normal life. As if he could ever love you properly—the way you deserved.

You stared at him intently, trying to find any trace of emotion in him, any evidence that he didn't really want to send you away from Ketterdam, that he was only doing it because Dirtyhands was afraid of the growing feeling between you two.

"I can hold on like this, Kaz." your soft whisper cut through him, making him shiver. He could bear your screams, your anger, your madness, but the tenderness, the vulnerability you showed only around him… was much more dangerous to the cold Barrel Bastard. "I can go and return to you like nothing happened. I can stay near you and pretend I don't feel anything towards you. I can stop myself from wishing for your slightest touch. I can hide my true emotions around you and other people, just like I have done before… but please just prove to me that it's all worth it. That you can slowly take off pieces of your armour and let me see and be with the real you. Not the Brekker's mask you wore every time we were on Ketterdam's street. Not the Dirtyhands' cruel version of yourself that you created to survive in this town. Not the Bastard from the Barrel, who has so much power in his hands to take down his every enemy. Just the real you, Kaz. The genius-mind boss who cares about his people, not only the kruge. The man who loves his friends more than anything on this earth. The man who risked his own life and saved me from death's arms more times than I could count. Please… just give me this little piece of hope." he tried hard not to raise his gaze to meet your captivating, imploring irises that could touch Brekker's heart.

He knew that the moment he looked at your face, he would doom you both by giving in to this burning desire to be with you.

But he couldn't.

He had to keep you away from him.

"You must be foolish or delusional to think like that. I'm the Bastard from the Barrel. And I care about my crows, because they are good investments. Nothing more and nothing less, Y/L/N."

"Is this everything that we are? What am I to you? An investment?"

Kaz's mouth went dry as he felt the waters rising around him, when a familiar feeling of panic began to seep through his practised mask. He looked away, not wanting you to read his true emotions. Not wanting you to see how much he wanted to confess his true feelings to you.

No. You're my moon, my sun that illuminates me in my darkness. The reason why I'm even bothering to learn how to touch people without going under the water again. You give me hope and peace every time you're close to me. You're my greatest power and weakness. The only one in this bloody world who can change my plans. The only one I care about in the mornings, afternoons, nights, and midnights. I can't drink, eat, think, sleep, or work without thinking about you. You have the power over me. And that's terrified me.

He desperately wanted to give in to his desire.

But he couldn't.

He was too bruised and broken for you.

"Then I have my answer, Mr. Brekker." you broke the long, tense silence between you two. Kaz was too terrified to shift his gaze from the papers on his desk to the only woman who could easily crack the wall around his cold, almost dead heart with one of your smiles towards him. Too afraid to watch the tender expression on your face turn into a cold detachment, just like your tone of voice. "Sorry for taking up your precious time, boss. But I would rather be the foolish girl who falls in love too easily for her own good than a powerful man who doesn't want to feel anything. Nobody will sit around the table and tell a story about a man who loves only his kruge. No matter how great he was." your disappointed whisper lingered in his office long after you left.

He sat dazed in his chair until the candle stub burned out completely, leaving him alone in the darkness of his office. He stood up, lit a new candle, and watched the flame. He couldn't focus on anything other than replaying your conversation.

Rietveld's voice echoed in Brekker's head, somehow getting through his wall, mocking powerful Dirtyhands.

Coward.

And every breath that I’ve been taking since you left feels like a waste on me

"No way!" Jesper's loudspeaker scream snapped Kaz out of his thoughts. He sighed, rubbing his face with his hand, and got up from the desk.

He has done nothing since that fateful conversation. Absolutely nothing. He limited himself to staring blankly at the wall as his thoughts of Y/N effectively took complete control of him. He needed a distraction. Jesper's screams outside his office were perfect.

Without his cane, he walked to the door, eavesdropping on what was going on outside his office.

"Find another idiot to tell him. Or better yet, grab some suicide guy from the roof. If he wants to die anyway, he might as well act as a messenger for their one last time before Kaz rips their head off. SHIT!" the sharpshooter screamed in panic, nearly losing his balance as the door he was partially leaning against was opened by his rather worried boss. "Kaz, the fuck, since when are you sneaking around like that?!"

"Why exactly would I want to have ripped someone's heads off, Jesper?" he ignored his comment, eager to find out what they were hiding from him as soon as possible.

Maybe that would effectively occupy his head, so he could stop thinking about the tidemaker for a while. Unfortunately, neither of the two were in a hurry to answer his question.

"You know, there's always an occasion. Theft, insult, threat, frown, bad day, wedding, christening…" Jesper shut up, seeing that his attempts at a joke only infuriated an already irritated Kaz.

"Y/N is gone." Kaz unconsciously held his breath, feeling the whole world freeze around him for a moment, until anger and panic took hold of him.

"What? Did someone kidnap her? How did you look after her?!" he growled furiously, walking back to the office and limping towards his cane. His crows followed hesitantly, watching him struggle as he tried to put on his cloak in his haste.

"She runaway. I lost track of her around the harbour." a new revelation made Kaz freeze again. He stared blankly into the space between Jesper and Inej, turning his cane's crow head in his hand.

He should have anticipated that too. Had a backup plan. But he didn't. He's been acting strangely lately. He didn't recognize himself. But after all, that was what he had wanted all along - to stay away from Y/N. So why had her disappearance made him feel so much worse?

"Kaz? Should we send some people to…"

"No need, Inej. Go back to work. You too, Jesper." the gambler looked like he wanted to argue with him, but the Wraith, seeing their friend's strange behavior, grabbed his hand, and they obediently walked away from their boss.

Kaz leaned against the desk, dullly staring at the closed door.

It was supposed to be better that way. Neither you nor he will ever meet again. You won't exchange those longing glances again. You won't act like a couple of teenagers in love, and no one will ever attack or harm you to get to him again or to threaten him. Nobody was going to get hurt.

So why did he feel like he was going back under the water?

I’ve been holding on to hope That you’ll come back when you can find some peace Cause every word that I’ve heard spoken since you left feels like an hollow street

One week, two days, 10 hours, 34 minutes and 29 seconds. That's how long it's been since he last saw your face.

He was secretly hoping you'd come back to him and the crows. Fuck the crows, he just wanted you to walk through that damned door again and start arguing with him, shouting at him, cursing his name at all the saints you knew, so he could hear your voice again.

He missed you. More than he thought he would.

Irritatingly, everything around him reminded him of you.

Especially your empty seat during Crow's meetings. No one dared to occupy it, as if every one of the gathered was waiting for you to come through that door (or window) again with a malicious, characteristic smirk on your face, mumbling some insincere apology for being late.

It never happened. Though Inej prayed to her saints every day for your return. Just like the others. Although each of them experienced your departure differently. Jes stared often at the places you once occupied, imagining you were still there. Nina found herself often making too many waffles (of course, accidentally making exactly the few you were used to eating). Wylan often creates his bombs and other things in your favourite colours.

But Kaz probably took your absence the worst of them all.

If he had slept little before, fearing that nightmares about Jordie would haunt him, now he hardly slept at all. Because every time he closed his eyes, he saw your face. He heard your laugh. He smelled your perfume. He felt cursed. Cursed by you the moment your eyes looked at him full of sadness, anger, and disappointment... full of pain.

He thought that if you disappeared from his sight, he would forget about you and go back to normal. But your leaving only made him think of you more often and longer. He sat behind his desk for hours, staring blankly at the papers in front of him. Spread out plans, bills, and maps; it all stopped making sense to him. It stopped coming together, creating a perfect plan in his head.

All he could think about was you.

And Rietveld's voice, instead of being silenced and buried alive in his cold heart with your disappearance, only broke through his hard surface more and more often with the passing days without you by his side. And he wasn't holding back from taunting Dirtyhands at all.

The great Kaz Brekker fell victim to one of his own plans.

There must be something in the water Cause everyday it's getting colder And if only I could hold you You'd keep my head from going under

Even Ketterdam has felt your absence.

This time of year, it usually warms up enough for people to shed their heavy winter coats. However, it was the middle of spring, and a cool, icy wind still blew through the streets, bringing occasional, small snowfalls that melted on the street, creating mud.

Kaz had never despised the city he lived in more. Even it laughed in his face at his stupidity, reminding him that it was his fault that the only spark of joy and bewitchingness in this damned city had gone.

He shuddered as a child shoved past him, running happily to the ship that had come into harbour and thrown itself into its father's waiting arms. Brekker began to take rapid, panicked breaths. He closed his eyes and leaned against the wall of one of the buildings, trying to imagine something other than Jordie.

His haphephobia got worse.

Earlier, he could bear the fleeting touch of strangers, such as being brushed up against him in a crowd. It was no problem for him to touch his crows for a few minutes (especially you and your comfortable hugs, holding your hand, or just feeling your warm skin under his bare fingertips).

But now even the slightest contact with a stranger brought him immediately under the water. And the tiny touch from his crows raised the waves he had to calm in the privacy of his office.

He was rolling down. He knew it well. But he saw it as his personal punishment for hurting your feelings in a brutal way instead of gently cutting you off. Maybe then it wouldn't hurt so much.

Kaz knew he was fooling himself. He would suffer anyway. He let you go too deep under his skin, penetrate his essence, and know his soul too well to just give up on you, and forget about you.

And what terrified him most was that, given the choice, he would let you in again. Even knowing he would be devastated after letting you go.

But it was better for you. You deserved something better than this life you would live with him.

And that one thought kept him sane. That he did it for your own good, that wherever you are now, he's sure you're better off than you were in Ketterdam.

Which didn't stop him from checking every ship that came into port in the sick hope of seeing your angelic face.

He just had to get over his grief. He did the same with Jordie.

The only difference was that he didn't dream of holding his brother back in his arms like he dreamed of you.

Maybe I, maybe I’m just being blinded By the brighter side Of what we had because it’s over Well there must be something in the tide

Kaz was on your bed, reading one of your books you accidentally left behind. It was all he could do lately. He wasn't sure how long it had been since he'd left that room for anything other than food and a change of clothes. He missed you. And he had no idea what he should do.

He inhaled your faint scent on the pillows.

In some strange way (probably because of your ability to control the water), you always smelled of the sea, even when you weren't near the harbour. Kaz hated water and hated the salty sea smell that hit him whenever he passed near the harbour. It reminded him of Jordie. But inexplicably, the smell of the sea on you brought him comfort, safety... peace.

Now it was a reminder of something else—how he let you slip through his fingers. In fact, he pushed you away from himself.

He shook his head, trying not to think about you. However, the world was always against him and never made things easy for him. The fact that the dried flower had fallen out of the book onto his chest was proof of that.

With trembling hands, he set the book aside and reached for the flower, afraid he would ruin it. However, the need to see if his eyes were deceiving him was greater than the fear of spoiling such a precious thing.

He remembered that flower. He put it in your hair himself.

"Just the two of us in a field of flowers? If I didn't know you better, I'd think it was a date, boss." he rolled his eyes as you giggled at his reaction.

"Stop it. Or they'll notice us." he muttered, trying to ignore the cool wind that somehow made its way through the high grass. He wrapped his cloak around him, enviously noting that the girl next to him didn't seem to feel that cold. He internally slapped himself for wanting to share his cloak with her.

"I highly doubt they'd want to look for us in that thicket of grass. Besides, usually when a woman is giggling at a place and situation like this, stealing some noblewoman's jewels is the last thing on her mind, Kaz. The same applies to her potential partner."

"As if I heard Jesper." he sighed, focusing on the nobles in front of them. The plan was for Jesper to distract them while he and Y/N collected what they had come for. Simple and fast, if his childish desire to be paired with Y/N did not overwhelm his senses. She distracted him more than he could afford.

"You and Jes also had a secret meeting among the wildflowers? Now, I'm jealous."

"Jes?" he asked, turning his surprised gaze on her.

"Yes, do you mind?"

"You've known him for a week." he remarked dryly.

"Yes, and what?"

"It took you two months to start calling me by my first name, let alone a nickname."

"Just because you preferred to call me tidemaker instead of using my name."

"To be honest, it might have slipped my mind then." he muttered under his breath, not realising she heard him.

"You forgot my fucking name?! Kaz Brekker you are the most ignorant person I've ever seen." Kaz knew from the anger in her eyes that only his haphephobia kept him from getting his ass kicked by Y/N.

"Well, now I remember." he tried to defend himself.

"I don't care, Brekker. Now you can even call me the fucking Easter Bunny and I won't answer you anyway."

"Don't be a child, Y/N. Y/N?" Kaz sighed in frustration when he got no response from you.

He had to come up with something; he knew this name thing wouldn't be resolved until he appeased you properly. And he didn't have time to indulge in your sulks. You had to rob these people. (It's not like his heart ached when you were mad at him.)

Fortunately, out of the corner of his eye, he saw something that might help him. Your favourite flower, growing at his fingertips. He plucked a plant and put it behind your ear without thinking. You flinched at the sudden touch, staring at him in shock as the material of his gloves brushed your cheek as he pulled his hand away.

"Maybe I forgot your name then, but now I remember and know a lot more about you than just a stupid name."

"But how… how do you know I like y/f/f?" you asked in shock, never in your wildest dreams imagining that Kaz Brekker would bother with something like your favorite flower.

"You are my tidemaker. My most important investment. It's logical that I'll know you inside out."

"Should I be afraid or appreciate this unsettling but sweet effort?"

"You should know by now that nothing I do is sweet."

"Of course, big, terrible, Dirtyhands." you replied with a small smirk, similar to the one that kept Kaz from your sight.

To her, he could be more than Kaz Brekker. He could be Kaz Rietveld. And it terrified him more than the urge to reach out his hand again and fix her windblown hair.

The mastermind has been deceived by his own heart.

I’ve been told, I’ve been told to get you off my mind But I hope I never lose the bruises that you left behind Oh my Lord, oh my Lord, I need you by my side

"Zenik. Follow me." he muttered as he finally found the woman at the bar. He headed for his office without looking back, knowing full well that she would do as she was told this time.

"Yes, Kaz?"

"You are contacting Y/N." it wasn't a question. He knew it the moment Nina sent you her first letter a month ago.

He himself tried to send you his letter a week ago. It came back unopened, and the delivery man said no such person lives at this address. A lie he recognised without even knowing that Nina and you were still writing to each other.

"I am." she replied coolly. Kaz, seeing that he did not want to voluntarily cooperate, sighed and sat down in his chair. His leg was starting to hurt more and more often - another thing that went bad with you leaving.

"How is she?"

"Happy. Relatively. She is tormented by nightmares and unwanted thoughts about you." if Nina wanted to make him feel guilty, she did it brilliantly.

He already felt terrible without her judging eyes and dry answers. She must have seen the shadows under his eyes, as he did in his mirror. He had no right to pity himself. He knew it well. That's why he put up with Nina's attitude, in his stupid desire to know how you were doing.

"So… is she better off than here?"

"No. But that's not your problem anymore."

"Did she find someone?" he asked hesitantly, afraid of an affirmative answer.

"Possibly, things are evolving."

Kaz felt the world stop around him for a moment. The idea of someone else watching how you play with water and create ice sculptures, someone listening to your beautiful voice and making you laugh, someone capable of holding you and kissing you, made him sick. A sick sense of jealousy that Kaz only experienced when he saw the wealth of others.

A rash desire to come for you overtook him. He had to have you back. Before you fall in love with someone other than him.

"Do you think if we…"

"No, Kaz." Nina cut him off before he could ask a question. "You wanted to get rid of her, so hold on to your fucking decision. You hurt her, and you knew damn well you would, by ordering her to return to Ravka. Honestly, Kaz, did you think about how it would impact her? How she would feel? If you wanna break her heart again, go on. Chase her. Let's see if she forgives you also this time."

"Then what should I do?" he asked, and the desperation and hopelessness of his tone terrified both him and the woman standing in front of his desk. Nobody had ever seen him like this. Even you. And now he was ready to open up to anyone just to have you by his side again.

"Forget about her. After all, that's what you wanted, right?" he did not answer.

She was right. He wanted to get rid of you. Now he was paying the price, and he had no right to ask you to ease his pain and return to the Kettedram. Return to him. Which doesn't mean that his stupid heart will just let him forget about you. He's learned that over the months without you. And he cursed all the saints that he didn't know it until he gave you the cold shoulder.

Kaz no longer had the right to your affection. He had to accept it. He had to accept that he had given up his chance to love you. That now you had every right to go and love someone else. Even if the very idea drove him crazy and desperate.

He must have forgotten about you. For the sake of all of you.

But Nina's slamming of his office door only brought him back to his memories of you.

There must be something in the water Cause everyday it's getting colder And if only I could hold you You'd keep my head from going under

Kaz fell. He was in the most pathetic position.

He didn't care, though, as he sat like a fool on the shore of the same lake where he met you. At which he irreversibly gave you the remnants of his heart a few years ago, without even knowing it.

He told himself that Nina was right. Once he let you go, he had to persevere in that resolve. Ketterdam will only bring you pain... so why was it so hard for him to let go of his last ties to you?

"Why are you coming here with me?" your gentle voice snapped him out of his thoughts as he stared spellbound at your little water show.

"Am I bothering you?" he asked, shifting in his place on the dock as he watched you float in the lake.

He wouldn't even dip his little toe in himself, but he liked to silently watch you become one with what was dear to you. And by the way, he could admire your skills and beauty as much as he wanted. He didn't have to look for any particular excuse.

"No. It's just that I've never seen you watch your other crows train."

"They're not like you." it slipped out before he could think about it. "If anyone sees you, I better get them before they announce to the world that one of the Black General's tidemakers has taken refuge with me." your smirk dropped at the mere mention of your former life. Kaz cursed in his mind. "You are also too valuable an investment. And the rest of the crows liked you. It's a big achievement. Inej doesn't let new people in so easily... me too."

"So you like me after all, boss?" you asked with that mischievous smirk on your lips that made his heart beat like crazy. Good thing water was your specialty. At least you didn't hear his heart pounding.

"You're tolerable company, and what you can do… what you can do is amazing."

"It's just little tricks." you murmured, forming different shapes out of the water. "At the king's parties, I was quite often one of the highlights." you waved your hand, freezing the water to form an ice statue. His statue. "Not every tidemaker is strong enough to freeze water." with another wave of your hand, to his silent displeasure, you melted the ice. "Not to mention turning ice into water again. Most just stop at its liquid form and don't train any more. I like to think I'm too curious to ever stop exploring my powers."

"Or stubborn." he said with a small smirk, listening to your wonderful laugh.

He must have been cursed from the start, since fate had put someone so perfect in his path... someone he could never have. But he could have been watching you. Enjoy his eyes with your beauty and his ears with the tone of your voice.

"Sometimes that's a good trait too. You taught me that yourself."

"How convenient for you to learn from me only what you want and not what you need."

"Sometimes what we want is more important than what we need and what is more rational for us."

"What for example?"

"Love." he tried to keep a poker face, but apparently his eyes betrayed more than he would have liked, as you gave him a confused, questioning look. "What? You've never been in love?"

NO. Not until he looked into your eyes and heard you laugh. Not until he got into your first argument with you and lost with a smile on his face. Not until he first saw you use your powers to outsmart the bandits who attacked you. Not until he saw how the moonlight in Ketterdam made your eyes shine even more than usual, so that you might as well have lit up all of the city with your beauty. Not until he first heard his name come out of your mouth. No, until he foolishly began to believe in Inej's saints, when he saw how tenderly and kindly you treat the orphans in the streets of Ketterdam.

"This silence means either a very powerful heartbreak, or you really only love a kruge."

"What if I really never loved anyone? What if I don't believe in love?" he whispered, looking up at you. You sneaked up to him so that you were standing in front of him. Water trickled down your hair and along your neck to the hand you held out to him. You opened your hand, handing him a small shell.

"The world is too cruel for such beliefs, Kaz. If we don't believe in love, why should we get out of bed at all? Why do we accumulate all these riches and try to survive each day?" Kaz didn't know the answer. Not one that would allow him to avoid the uncomfortable subject of his feelings for you.

He took the shell from you and, being careful not to break it, put it in his pouch. Along with the other little things you fished out of the water.

Your eyes met. You stared into the other's eyes for a moment, lost in your own dreams, which were not too different from each other... Yet neither of you had the courage to admit them out loud and risk everything you had been so carefully building between yourselves. Even if your hearts burned for more.

So he sat with you in silence, watching you play with the water and analysing what you told him. What was the reason for his existence?

Kaz from a year ago would have answered quickly and without thinking. Revenge. But now that he was looking at you, he wasn't so sure about his answer… or at least it was closer to something much different than his desire for revenge.

Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh It's your love I'm lost in Your love I'm lost in Your love I'm lost in And I'm tired of being so exhausted

He sat behind his desk, involuntarily reminiscing about the day it all began.

The day he almost lost you. The day you almost died in his arms. The day you told him something he secretly wanted to hear but wasn't prepared for. The day he will curse forever.

This was your first assignment after returning from Ravka and the whole sun summoner thing. A childish, simple burglary. Something to warm up his crows—a return to the reality of Ketterdam without queens and kings and politics.

And so it was. You filled your pockets with valuables and were about to leave when one of the guards spotted you. They were much better armed than you (it was supposed to be a simple robbery with no witnesses and no blood spilled, so you only had daggers and knives "just in case") and strangely familiar with all the secret passages in the small mansion.

Even though you found yourself in a terrible situation, you managed to leave the property. You laid out in the finish as you and Kaz ran towards the club. One of the guards shot at you and hit you. Very accurate, almost piercing your heart with a bullet.

Kaz stared dazedly as you screamed in pain as you clutched your chest and tumbled onto the muddy, cobbled road. He reacted faster than he thought, throwing the dagger at the man who shot you and killing him instantly. Inej would have praised him for such a throw.

But that effective kill didn't matter to him now. He ran over to you in a panic and kneeled beside you, tugging at the fabric of your shirt. He hissed as he saw the blood pouring down your skin.

"Kaz..." you groaned, looking at him terrified. Kaz ripped off a piece of his shirt and wrapped it tightly around your waist, trying to stop the gushing blood. "Cold." you mumbled, shivering in his arms. Brekker didn't even notice as he placed you in his lap; he was too busy to stop the bleeding until he found bloody Zenik. Where was she when he really fucking needed her?

"Shhh…. I know. Just try to hold on a little longer, okay? Nina and Jes will be here soon." he tried to calm you down by running his hand through your sweat-soaked hair. He rocked you back and forth, not knowing who he was trying to reassure—you or himself.

"We both know they won't make it on time."

"If you're wasting your energy talking, at least say something useful instead of talking nonsense, tidemaker." he growled at you, tightening his grip on you. "You're not getting away from me that fast. I didn't invest so much in you to make you leave before…" Until I tell you how much you mean to me... "Until we fill our vault with tonnes of Kruge."

"I could have predicted that even on my deathbed you'd be talking about the fucking Kruges." you laughed, coughing up some blood, which didn't calm his already madly beating heart. Where is that damn Zenik?

"Die in my arms and I promise I'll go back to hell for you. The devil can wait for you - I signed a pact with you first." you suddenly became serious, squeezing his gloved hand tighter and staring into his eyes as if they were the only stars in your dark sky.

"Kaz… I… I have to tell you…"

"Shut up, Y/L/N. You're not dying today." he snarled a warning, squeezing you so hard that he was sure to leave bruises on your arms. Panic rose in him as he felt your body slowly go limp, your breaths becoming less and less frequent.

"Kaz… I love you." you whispered, making him freeze in a daze. You only said those words in his wildest dreams. He had secretly dreamed of it many times, but certainly not like this. Not while your soul was slowly escaping from this cruel world unworthy of you.

He doesn't remember exactly when Nina came running, or how Jesper took you out of his arms, or how he kept up with Jesper's frantic pace as he ran with you in his arms.

But he surely was shaking all the way to the Crow Club. He only breathed a few hours after Nina announced to everyone that you would live. Then he left, without even entering your room to make sure Zenik's words were true, and locked himself in his office.

Tears began to fall from his eyes as he leaned against the door.

He could have lost you. Forever. Another person close to him.

His dreams would be tormented by the sight of your bloody corpse in some dirty alley. Again, he felt like that helpless little boy who had lost his brother. He found himself with Jordie THERE again.

Kaz couldn't go through all of it again. He wouldn't get up after your death. And there was only one thing he could do...

Fuck it all.

He needed you.

He was too exhausted to pretend any longer.

He was Kaz Brekker. He didn't need a reason. But his slowly dying heart without you seemed to be enough of an excuse to see you. Even if you're going to completely break it. Even the cold Bastard from the Barrel saw it as a good deal.

"JESPER!" he shouted, jumping out of his chair with his cane in hand.

"Yes?" his friend was at his side faster than ever.

"Tell the others to pack up. We're leaving in an hour." he muttered, taking out his travel bag from the wardrobe. Even without turning around, he knew a big smile had formed on Jesper's face.

We're going to get my girl back.

"About the damn time, Kaz." he patted him on the back and ran out of his office, telling the other crows the good news.

Your love I'm lost in Your love I'm lost in Your love I'm lost in Even though I'm nothing to you now Even though I'm nothing to you now

Kaz had been afraid of a few things in his life, but walking through the threshold of your new apartment seemed to be the most terrible of all his fears.

His crows obeyed him without objection for the first time in their lives and stayed at the hotel. He came here. On trembling legs and a rapidly beating heart. With his soul on his shoulder, ready to sacrifice and do anything to get you back. And if you didn't change your mind, it would be with a mind ready to carve your image into his memory so he could enjoy seeing you one last time in his miserable life.

Before he could change his mind, he knocked on the door.

He waited patiently, hearing footsteps approaching. He held his breath as the key turned in the lock.

But you weren't the one who opened the door for him.

"What?" a well-built, dark-haired man stood in the doorway.

Kaz began to compare himself to him, concluding that, when it came to appearance, he was superior to him in everything. He didn't stand a chance against someone like that for your heart. Doubts began to flood back into him. What if Nina was right?

"Are you going to stand here for half a day or..."

"Jackson!" your voice from the depths of the apartment shook Kaz. It froze him completely, irritating the man in front of him even more. "I need your help here, you big fool. What are you doing?" a moment later, you were standing in the vestibule. Your eyes met. Kaz shivered under your gaze, cursing himself for how quickly he fell under your spell as he stood there completely dazed.

"Y/N." your name came out of his mouth reverently, like a prayer, like a song long forgotten by a wanderer. You looked exactly the same as you did a few months ago. Except for the faint shadows under his eyes, which Kaz considered his greatest enemies.

"Kaz."

"Jackson. Hello there." the man waved at him, stepping between you. Jackson looked at you, worried. Kaz felt both anger welling up in him, a feeling of envy at how close you were with this strange guy, but also relief that you had someone close to take care of you. Not that you couldn't overcome the worst hell alone. He just felt relieved that you didn't have to. "Let him in, or should I kick his ass, wave?"

Wave? Did you two have nicknames for each other?

"It's all right. You can leave us." you said as you walked past him to face Kaz. The man behind you sighed, shaking his head.

"I hope you know what you're doing."

It might as well have been directed at Kaz. For the first time in his whole new Dirtyhands' life, he didn't have a plan, an emergency exit, or another backup plan. But now he was standing in front of you, staring at you helplessly as he absorbed your form. And that damn sea smell in your hair...

"Kaz."

"Y/N." he said as he came back down to earth. He took a small, calming breath. "How are you?"

"Really? Are you here just to ask how I'm doing?" she asked incredulously, folding her arms.

Kaz wrinkled his nose at your dry, angry tone. As he could see, it would be even more difficult than he thought. He stood in front of you, twirling his cane nervously in his hands.

"I'm here for a completely different reason, but I couldn't… I couldn't not come and see you." he admitted turning his gaze back to you after lowering his head in embarrassment.

"I'm alright. My brother and I are having a great time."

"Brother?" he asked. Relief and joy washed over him. Nor could he help himself to this naive hope, which began to warm his cold heart.

"Yes... Jackson. Who did you think he was?" he did not answer. You could have guessed. He knew you saw the flicker of jealousy in his eyes after that strange man called you a wave. You were his tidemaker, his wave, his sea, and all the fucking things. For a moment, he forgot that he was the one who had deprived himself of the right to claim against you. "You saw me, you asked how I was, so you can go now. Goodbye, Kaz." you were about to close the door on him, but at the last moment he put his cane between them, preventing you from doing so. You opened your door again, giving him a questioning look.

"Come back with me." he whispered, defeated. He couldn't let you go. Not again, not after there was still the slightest chance you might still want him.

"What?" you whispered softly, pretty sure you misheard him.

"There's no other reason why I'm here... I can't eat, I can't sleep, and I can't think or function like a normal person without you next to me. I'm one step away from daydreaming about you, hallucinating, and being insane that you're still by my side, so please... I'm begging you to come back to me. I know I don't deserve you and that I hurt you. You have every right to kick me out, but please, Y/N, just come home."

"What exactly am I supposed to come back to, Kaz? A cold, surly boss who is afraid of his feelings? Who doesn't hesitate to hurt me to protect his heart?"

"I'm not... I'm not good at this. Feelings. I... I don't know what it's like to love, but I know that when I'm with you... when I'm with you, nothing else matters. Not Ketterdam, not power, not Kruge, not wealth, not profit—nothing has ever been on my pedestal. Only you. Always you. And maybe I'm terrified of it, but now I know that I'd rather fight my own demons for you than let you go. I will try my best. If you still want me." he stared at you with undisguised hope in his eyes, only now realising how close he had come to you during your conversation. He tucked a strand of hair behind your ear, cupping your cheek uncertainly. "I love you, Y/N... even if I'm nothing to you now." he murmured, risking everything and resting his forehead against yours with a sigh.

There must be something in the water Cause everyday it's getting colder And if only I could hold you You'd keep my head from going under

He inhaled your scent with his eyes closed, waiting for your move. Hope grew with him every second you continued to let him be so close to you.

"You're an idiot, Kaz Brekker." he didn't contradict or argue with you. He was a complete idiot, pushing you away and begging you to come back, all the while acting like a love-crazy fool… however, he wouldn't have it any other way if it meant you taking your place in his office again. If someday he could hold you in his arms… "You have lucky you're my idiot. With all of your bruises, scars, and everything else." you promised, hugging him tighter. You pulled away from him with serious eyes, making Kaz swallow. "But if you do that shit again, forget I'm coming back to you. Also, we need to seriously work on your communication, Brekker. Do you know how long I've had to struggle here with that other idiot who claims to be my brother?"

"I can hear all of it!" you sighed at your brother's grumbling and gave Kaz a meaningful look. Brekker smiled slightly, causing a matching goofy smirk to appear on your face.

"See? But seriously, I'm not kidding. Last chance, Kaz."

"A deal is a deal. You're never going anywhere without me again."

"A red flag!" your brother coughed from the kitchen. You rolled your eyes, grabbing the edge of Kaz's coat sleeve.

"Shut up, Jackson. I'm leaving, I'll be back in an hour! Try not to burn down the apartment, spitfire."

You didn't wait for his answer as you slammed the door behind you and stepped out with Kaz into the street. Brekker led you towards the hotel where the other crows were staying. His hand in yours, which did not escape your notice. You turned your head towards him, giving him a confused look, which made him smile slightly, shifting his gaze to the port and the sea.

At one point, he noticed that one of the waves "attacked" a trader, washing him over. He cursed so loudly that you could hear him even from this distance. Kaz shifted his gaze to you, immediately noticing the sly smirk on your face. Suddenly, the wallet fell from the sky right into your waiting hand, along with droplets of salty, cool water.

He chuckled, shaking his head in amusement as he pulled you closer to him, wrapping his arm around your shoulders. A self-satisfied smirk formed on his face after seeing your blush.

One day, he will be able to touch you without his gloves. Hold in your arms without layers of clothes on. He will do it. No matter how long it takes him to get rid of the greatest demon of his past. But something told him that you'd keep his head from going under the water again. His queen of waves. His crow. His anchor. And he will make sure that he holds you in his arms forever. 

[devdozes]

𝐊𝐀𝐙 𝐁𝐑𝐄𝐊𝐊𝐄𝐑 | 𝗍𝗋𝖺𝖽𝗂𝗍𝗂𝗈𝗇𝗌

𝐩𝐚𝐢𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬 | kaz brekker x fem!reader, jesper fahey x wylan van eck

𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬 | cursing, very vague mentions of kaz’s past (tho definitely not enough to spoil it), established relationship.

𝐬𝐲𝐧𝐨𝐩𝐬𝐢𝐬 | getting a drink after every heist was something they used to do exclusively together. until one day, without explanation, y/n starts going with jesper instead. 

𝐚𝐮𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐫’𝐬 𝐧𝐨𝐭𝐞 | based off of this request <3 also i snuck in some wesper ok sue me i love them

𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐝 𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐭 | 2.6k. 

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[devdozes]

𝐊𝐀𝐙 𝐁𝐑𝐄𝐊𝐊𝐄𝐑 | 𝗌𝗂𝗅𝖾𝗇𝗍 𝖻𝗂𝗋𝗍𝗁𝖽𝖺𝗒𝗌

𝐩𝐚𝐢𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬 | kaz brekker x fem!reader.

𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬 | swearing.

𝐬𝐲𝐧𝐨𝐩𝐬𝐢𝐬 | kaz brekker didn’t need a reason. he did, however, need a birthday present - that is, if you were to ask y/n. based off of this request!

𝐚𝐮𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐫’𝐬 𝐧𝐨𝐭𝐞 | to be fair, idk if kaz’s birthday is acutally january 13th i only chose that bc of my own funky little reasons & bc i knew he was a capricorn but hey, that’s what we’re going with soo enjoy!

𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐝 𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐭 | 2.8k.

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[devdozes]

Taking anti-depressant pills?? Seeing a therapist??? Journaling???? No need babe, my fav writer just dropped another x reader fic.