devirginme

[devirginme]

dear s,

this is a bit of a different letter, but... happy birthday! you’re officially an adult in australia. if you went to the us, you could drink. congratulations! welcome to the rest of your life.

i was going to mail you a proper letter, but i’m not sure how long it would take for it to get to you (if it would get to you!) so we’re going to settle for something less cheesy than we usually do. 

if we could celebrate together, or if i could bring you a gift, i’d probably get you some more condoms (more more, since now you’re actually using them!!), some good ol’ russian vodka from asda, definitely a packet of digestives and cake cAKE CAKE!! (and candles because i forgot that the last time). then i’d take you to a club and we’d have the time of our lives, like we usually do. 

oh well - i am not with you, and there’s a pandemic going on, so we can’t really do that. but i know you’re going to have the time of your life anyway. i know you’re going to party your heart out, whenever the celebration comes around, and i know you’ll drink enough alcohol and do enough dumb things to make me proud (because you always do).

i hope you’re having a great time in australia. i know it’ll keep being great for as long as you stay there. 

i want to say, i’m very proud of you this year. you’ve gotten out of your shell more so than ever before, and i love seeing you happy. i love seeing you travel, meet people, meet animals, make memories you’re never going to forget. not a day goes by that i don’t think about you, sending you good vibes from one continent to another. 

seeing you happy and remembering how far you’ve come makes me worry less about my own problems, because it all works out eventually. i wish i could describe how it makes me feel - the best i can do is say what you always say, that you feel empathetic to the point where another person’s feelings become your own. 

that’s what your happiness is to me. 

it’s been ten months since we’ve seen each other, but it’s been ten months that showed that separation doesn’t do anything to us. you’re still my best friend; my older sister. 

in the tradition of previous letters, i wish you have good sex and stay happy with whoever you’re seeing at the time of reading this (in case you’re rereading this at some point in 2021, of course). 

you're about to have the best year of your life.

i love you, bitch.  i ain’t never gonna stop loving you. bitch.

[devirginme]

dear t, 

with each day that passes, i find myself more confused. having feelings for you is unclear in a way it’s never been before -- it’s both here and there and nowhere at once. 

(it’s a lot like trying to catch a thought. you know it’s there and you can feel it, but it’s always slipping between your fingers, never there for longer than a moment.)

when you’re around, i feel happier. there’s an annoying smile on my face that doesn’t go away -- and it came back just now, when i thought of your face when i told you your new haircut looks good. you’re so cocky, sometimes, and it reminds me of the way i get cocky, because it’s all about hiding your feelings. 

(you and i are the same.)

and then you’re gone and i think, maybe i don’t like him that much. maybe it’s a fluke -- maybe it’s because he’s something i cannot obtain, because we’re flatmates, because we’re not supposed to have feelings for flatmates. but then i think, and i know that’s not the truth. 

i don’t know what is, though. i don’t know if i like you and i’m scared or i don’t like you but i wish i did. 

(it’s the former. just the fact i’m questioning this is enough.)

i used to think that maybe you don’t like me, because you never ask me anything. you don’t really ask about my day, or what i’m up to. the only thing i can remember you asking was whether my wine and sparkling water mix tasted good; whether i went to that party at his old flat. 

but then i think -- you don’t ask, but you notice. i make an offhand comment about needing something and you remind me of that when we’re at the shop. you notice my ex best friend when he’s passing and you’re thinking about him. you show me new photos of your dog when you get them. you wait for me to get my shopping done in aldi even though it’s out of your way, and you’ve got things to do, and you’re just keeping me company. 

(your smile is so proud when i compliment you.)

people don’t show affection the same way. i’m all about questions, getting to know the person, asking about their day and how they’re getting on, how much work they’ve got, how they’re feeling. you love to tease me because of that, because i always ask questions you don’t want to answer. 

(”that’s for me to know and you to find out.”)

spending time with you is fun. it’s relaxing. it’s upbeat and breezy and comfortable and sometimes, when i’m having a difficult time, i just wish we could go to asda and mess about, because that’s our thing. 

(i just remembered how you always take my suggestions. you refused to eat fruit until i told you to do it; you tried new things because i told you; you ask me for advice over and over again.)

(it’s about the small things.)

i should probably tell you how i feel. i’ve asked for advice from too many people and now that it’s down to my own judgement and i’m scared. what if i mess up? what if i say the wrong thing? what if i fuck up our friendship, the one that makes me feel so good? because it’s not just about having feelings for you, t. you’re one of my favourite people to spend time with. 

there’s the option of cutting myself off of everything. i know you used to be a fuckboy, that you couldn’t deal with commitment, that feelings scare you even more than they scare me. that you run away when things get serious. 

i don’t know if you’re still the same. i know i used to be that way, and i know that i’ve changed in the past few months, and those things don’t scare me as much anymore. (not enough to keep me away from you, anyway.)

my gut says that i need to stop living in the future and in the worries and live in the moment, instead. 

it’s frightening. i don’t know how to do it -- i don’t know how to tell you that when i’m with you, i’m not worried. that i love your cheeky smile and i love when you tease me. i love when you randomly react to something you see on facebook to get other people’s attention. i love that you are a terrible cook but you’re trying to get better. i love that you think making very sweet cookies is healthy if you put some protein in them (and i love that you let me eat so many of them). i love that you’re incredibly intelligent but you only show it if someone asks you something that requires an intelligent answer. i love your shitty jokes and puns. i love that when i’m around you, i never feel like i need to be anyone other than myself, even if that means saying dumb things or talking about random things. i know you don’t always react, but you listen, and bring it up at a very random point in the future. 

and i’m scared of all these feelings. i’m fucking terrified. 

(do you feel the same?)

[devirginme]

dear j,

i don’t usually write letters for other people to see it. i keep them hidden to myself. but i feel like this time you’re one of the only people that deserve to know how i feel as we both know you dont nearly hear it enough or at all from me.

what you said just now was right. i was foolish for trying to defend myself or taking a pussy in between position of i “partially agree”.

i’m now fully aware i dont treat you right and you out of all people definitely dont deserve this. youve been here for me all the times, no matter how i felt about you or how much shit you got for hanging out with me.

i hate to say it because then its as if confirms fully that its true but ive made a mistake by taking your presence and everything that you do for granted. i guess part of my shit “i don’t acknowledge you in public” treatment came from the selfish realization that no matter how id treat you i would know that youd still be there for me. and thats why i didnt feel the need to appreciate you being there or acknowledge good things happening in your life to full extent.

its not like i didnt do anything at all but we both know i didnt do enough. enough to as you said reach the level of friend treatment or a bit more than friends treatment.

another reason why i treated you pretty shittily is because i think i was scared of getting shit from other people. if my behaviour changed once we were outside of your or my room, it mustve been definitely related to other people’s opinions. and although i act cool and all, deep down i notice just how much shit you got and still keep getting for simping or driving me around or hanging out with me all the time. yet youd still have the balls to hang out with me. and i would hesitate to treat you as nicely as you treat me in public.

i did think it was fun when you decided to race blackers today. and i actually think your hair looks really nice, especially when shaved you look very polished altogether, right in time for the gala. and ngl you looked pretty damn hot today while playing soccer. and im not saying this because you asked. i genuinely feel this way.

im really sorry for joking that im superior in the car, im not. im really sorry for not acknowledging your game at soccer previously and im sorry for downplaying my opinion on your haircut initially.

im mostly just sorry for taking you for granted.

its scary to say thoughts out loud. its like once you voice it, you can be held accountable for it. but i think you deserve me trying. and i know i said ill try before, but ill try harder this time around.

i really like having you here next to me. you’re my closest friend in australia. you know things about me that no one else knows. and i just want to keep it that way.

and i hope you feel the same. and i hope you see some potential in me and give me another chance.

because honestly, i dont know what id do here without you. and honestly, i dont know if id want to stay here as much as i do now if you werent in my life this whole time.

you’re a part of my australia and i hope i can keep being a part of yours.

thanks sexy

(jk if youre still mad at me)

p.s. the thing i wanted to say is that my mom saw the valedictory pictures and said you looked and seemed very nice

[devirginme]

dear k,

you are a morning person. when you wake up, your face is bright and smile wide and you are as chipper as the next bird. you cuddle up to me and i fall back asleep, even when you try to kiss me. when you ask me if i want breakfast, i say yes, and promise to not fall back asleep - but i do. and then you come, twenty minutes later, with scrambled eggs with bacon and cheese and tomatoes and whatever else you put in them, and you look at me with the biggest smile on your face as i try to get myself into a sitting position.

‘thanks,’ i say. it sounds like i don’t mean it, but i do. i’m just too tired.

‘you’re welcome,’ you reply. you’re still smiling, and you wait in excitement until i try the eggs. when i say i love them, your smile grows even wider. ‘i’m glad,’ you say.

we eat and we chat, and the room is in warm shades of the morning, and it’s brighter than mine will ever be, and i feel at peace. in this room, with you, lying in your bed, eating the breakfast you made.

i am happy. and i am grateful.

i fall back asleep, as soon as i’m done eating, and you wake me up two hours later, because we need to leave for class. i don’t want to get up. you don’t want either of us to leave.

we exist, in that small room, with the big window and bright walls; we exist in a time that doesn’t conform to anything else. it’s just us.

eventually, we leave. i don’t see you for the rest of the day, and the memory of the morning fades. it fades even more over the next few days, weeks, and i begin to forget it.

i begin to question whether i am happy. whether i made the right choice. whether i truly want to be with you, or am too scared of admitting to myself that i made the wrong choice and hurt someone i care about in the process. i begin to wonder if i am selfish and arrogant, too prideful to admit i was wrong, too scared of loneliness to be alone again.

i am scared when you are being affectionate, because i can’t. i am scared when you say you are thankful that you met me, i am scared when i see it in your eyes, when you look at me. i am scared at how easily you accept every burden i come with; all my scars and people who have made me the way i am, so reserved, so scared to open up. scared of sex, scared of trusting, scared of being rejected for simply being myself.

i am scared of being too much; of hurting you.

i am scared of you saying i couldn’t ever hurt you more than you have already been hurt. i am scared of you accepting me and saying it’s my past, not who i am now.

i am scared of your kindness. of your willingness to trust so wholly, so openly, so soon. i am scared of you getting attached to me because i am scared of getting attached.

i am not a morning person. i am chipper when you are falling asleep as soon as you get into a horizontal position; i am awake when you cannot keep your eyes open anymore.

it doesn’t make sense for me to be worried about this, but i am. i am worried about a lot of things. even when you are asleep, right next to me, i still don’t know if i made the right choice. i wonder if i’ll ever know.

you are a morning person, and i am not. but what i keep forgetting is that morning; i keep forgetting how easy it was to be with you, when i wasn’t thinking. when i just let myself feel, for once, and be in the moment.

i keep forgetting that i look at you the same way, and you can always tell, and you always make fun of me. i look at you that way when it’s two in the morning, we just stole matt’s guitar while he was away, and you’re failing at playing tenerife sea, and i adore you in that moment. i keep forgetting that when i told you the truth about my scars, you wiped my tears and said it doesn’t matter, and you meant it, and i felt safe. i keep forgetting that there are moments when my hand longs for yours, but i don’t take it, because i am too scared.

i keep forgetting that i am thankful i met you, too.

maybe someday, soon, i won’t forget any of this. maybe i’ll let myself be in the moment for a little longer, and then a little longer, until i can be at peace with who am i and what i feel.

hopefully, someday, i won’t feel like i don’t deserve you.

[devirginme]

dear m,

this might be tmi, but my love life was a mess from the very beginning. i was never eased into kissing with a peck, my first time i was pulled into a full on french kiss. i was so shocked i remembered i needed to keep my eyes closed only halfway through. first time i cuddled was with a pretty much stranger and out of spite because my crush at the time jokingly said he hated me. and my first date, well you know that one in detail, was a complete nightmare of a double blind date. its like there wasnt much happening up until i turned seventeen, and then my love life felt the need to catch up to date big time so it started doing leaps. it skipped basics, went straight into the juicy stuff and was basically in a hurry. i was in a hurry, until i met you.

i know at the time you didnt know what you were doing really either and was probably just going with your gut, but you put things into place. you asked me out on a proper date. at least here, i had seen you in real life before and it was just you and me, no other couple. and then you kept making it better from there. asked me out on the second date before the first one had ended. let me hang out with your dog. you brought a frickin dog up to aberdeen just for me, oh my god. i know its not a lot since you know i havent been on many dates, but that was my most favourite one.

you took to cuddling slow but steady. i love how it just happened naturally. i think i have a thing for hungover cuddles now, might even prefer them to sober, drunk or tipsy ones. fun fact, while cuddling with the infamous stranger, i actually found out that we were both in the same philosophy class, so guess who couldnt avoid an obnoxious seatmate the whole of that semester.

look, m. i can go on and on about things i liked about you, but it wouldnt have much point. i dont really know what is the point of this letter. i guess theres a lot of things you dont know, some of them left unsaid because we never ended up chatting about what happened. like the fact that i actually was so nervous for the first date i had three shots of gin, when i told you i didnt pre at all. ive been dying to tell you that. its nothing much, but i kept it in my sleeve as a comic relief that i could flip out at the beginning of the talk. thats when i still thought we would have one.

by the way, i am not an alcoholic. i have never had so much alcohol in such a short period of time. ive never been a nuisance or a blackout drunk falling off her feet liability so many nights in a row. i would just be so nervous as to how to act around you, in a public setting or with a group of friends around, that the only thing that would take it off of my mind at the time was intoxication. and id cross the line, every time. sorry.

anyway, back to what you never got to hear. i didnt tell you that you were the right guy that came at the wrong time. good hearted enough to bring used glasses back to the bar. making friends with my friends. making me laugh. making me smile. making my stomach flip at the thought of your touch. a scorpio, out of all signs. yes, i do care about astrology and yes, i tried to hide it very unsuccessfully, i know.

the truth is, i was so busy helping solve other peoples problems, i didnt notice my own forming. i had this weird belief that in order to give advice to others, you have to have your shit together, otherwise your advice wouldnt have value. so i assumed i did. but ohhh was i wrong. i was troubled. scared to distance from my friends because of a boy. scared of those friends becoming closer between themselves and distancing from me in turn. scared of losing a friend because of his differing views on relationships and him never seeing himself in one, so he subconsciously picked friends that didnt either.

i lost that friend either way. we fell out. so that worry was quite pointless, i made it last three more months until the guy cut me out of his life for no reason. now hes spreading lies and turning all our mutual friends against me. exciting.

i was also insecure. im on these very strong antibiotics for acne and it just made me feel like something was off with me the whole time. chapped lips for starters. overthinking. hell, i was insecure about my music taste? i look back at myself now and just think, how dumb. my favourite artists are jeremy zucker and alec benjamin, if you ever wondered. and i listen to pop artists a lot, but mostly to their unknown sad and slow songs. i have a thing for that stuff. not because im depressed, but because that type of music seems more genuine.

my mom once said i have this thing where when something is wrong, i try to fix it fully on my own, without anyones help. only i take it to the next level, pushing everyone away and cutting myself off. being harsh, sometimes coming off rude. and never, ever letting anyone in. like when i couldnt sleep at night and you asked whats wrong several times and i said nothing several times, but kept looking visibly frustrated. i think thats what my fears and insecurities came to. i just cut you off trying to solve myself first, only to find you fully moved on and with a change of heart once i was back to normal.

that hurt. but it was also what you would expect someone like you to do after what someone like me had done.

im still learning as you can see, and it looks like this was a learning experience. im just really sorry i hurt you in the process, too.

youre a good guy, m. and you were good to me, as jeremys song goes. you should really listen to the live in ny version.

and lastly, it was good while it lasted. i hope you have fun in germany on your exchange. and i hope we can be back to speaking terms at some point. like when you came up to us at the library, that meant a lot.

you meant a lot. and now you know that.

see you around, i guess. who knows where well be in two years time, after my exchange and your exchange is done and we find ourselves in aberdeen again. i just hope that if you ever read this, it hasnt become even more awkward between us. stop by, say hi, bring some muffins for a change. or a zucchini, you freak. whatever floats your boat.

i hope i see you around

x

*insert link to you were good to me - live in new york*