dew-journal

[dew-journal]

How am I around so many attractive and cool women and femmes, yet none of them seem to be interested in me? I swear all the folks I’d want are never interested beyond a brief consideration. I just want so badly a baddie who wants me fully, and who I remain invested in. It’s just so hard to grapple with seeing people who I adore and who are genuinely my type just give me no time of day. I keep dwelling on how I feel that not living in Boston hurts all of my prospects for parties and love, but I can’t justify just moving for those reasons. God if just once I got the attention I wanted from the people I want it from I could die happy.

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I feel so inadequate most of the time. People just show that for the most part I am not someone they consider. It’s always that I’m not their type, or I don’t fit in, or I’m not cool enough. Or whatever reasoning people have to justify not involving me. Yet I also know that I have some good friends who do care and think of me. I should feel those feelings more. I should feel that I am enough. But it comes down to the people I want to like me and think I’m worth while are the ones I crave the adoration of. The people who I have wanted to be around for years and feel more connected with.

I’ve always been on the edges of subcultures, sort of jock, sort of nerd, sort of punk, etc. But, never really feeling as if I belong. I’m always too late, not enough, or too nervous to be involved. I don’t think I’m unattractive, my style is safe a lot of the time but I don’t think it’s bad, sure my hygiene leaves a little to be desired but I don’t think that’s the biggest thing here. I don’t want to put it all on personality as I certainly have attracted some people. What else could it be though, I really can’t say (introverted tendencies not being taken into account).

When I do find success in building connections though it’s the same thing. Neurodivergent nerds who are men, people I am attracted to who are taken (plus hardly respond), and people who I never want to interact with again. I just know that a majority of people who I am interested in sexually/romantically, that I interact with, never would have looked twice at me if it weren’t for Fel.

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It’s my birthday (or was at the point I’m typing this) and I know I’m blessed to have some really incredible people around me. And yet there is just that void creeping in that nags that it’s not enough. Once again there were medical circumstances preventing some people from coming, which sucks as you can’t do a lot with that. I just see what other people are able to have and can’t help but want that. 7 for Halloween, 8 or so for birthday, so that means I’m going n track 9 for spring let’s go!

[dew-journal]

I really want someone who I feel romantic towards. My love life has been a mess, or non-existent for the better part of 12 years, and during that time I have not felt the way I should. I have had attraction, and lust, and love, and care towards people (even when I’m bad at showing it) but I have’t been “in love” or felt romantic. I did my damndest to still be what I felt I should be, but I know that because I wasn’t in it 100% my behavior was affected. How do I find people that I want to give, or am able to give, that 100% or more. Because that is what I want, and more important it’s what they deserve. I’m just feeling depressed, not just because of my lack of romance, from not being able to comfortably exist, from feeling left out, from life passing by, from trying to make a life I want and it not matching expectations. I still need to come out of my shell, I need to find some way to just talk to people. As I feel that if I could just bring myself to converse with these people that I am drawn towards I am sure I could tackle my insecurities that based on abandonment and not being good enough for the people I want to be around. Yet I also feel my style isn’t enough either, that everyone looks at me and thinks I’m posing as I don’t have piercings, my hair is so boring, the shoes I like don’t stand out, that the bands I put on my jackets aren’t the right ones.

It’s hard to see happy people or people who have an outlet for these feelings. And then having such an easy way to watch people finding love and losing love isn’t helpful. Plus it makes me feel that there is an easy answer in going on reality tv. It deludes you into thinking that there is a short cut. Everything is as they want you to see it, the story is more important than the reality they claim to show. Even if I was to pass through the casting call I still probably wouldn’t find someone that I could truly fall in love with. And you never see people who dress punk or goth or anything (how much of that is due to film production stuff or something we don’t know).

I might just be pining, but I’ve been thinking about the folks I have felt strong feelings towards. What’s new. As I have had way more loves than relationships, and I’d even argue that I only really fell in love with one. And once again I didn’t even have a romantic relationship with any of them beyond Ari. It’s just sad to me that so many people still dwell in my thoughts. I just want to be loved and feel love for others to the degree that I see others experiencing.

[dew-journal]

Well my prospects were just cut in half. I’m not surprised of course, just disappointed. These two were most likely scammers from the get go of course. But I always hold out hope that just one will go my way. Alas back to the endless scroll through the dating apps. Maybe Grindr again? But it’s not like there will be anyone that’s not a man. Plus it’s a shit app without paying.

[dew-journal]

Desperation is annoying. I don’t intend to come off as such, and hope I don’t, but I can’t help but feel that I can’t control it. It’s at the point where I am genuinely considering taking up a random person online on the offer of a hook up, and paying for it. Now I have been here before sort of, but it felt less real then as I was held back by living with a roommate. And now it’s just me so nothing is in the way. But there’s probably an 85% chance this is a scam, the only reason I’m considering it is because she is trans and I could finally get to give a woman a bj (and if it were to go well then I might do it again). It just comes down to is it all just some scam, am I falling for bait hook line and sinker. As it goes I think I talk to scammers/get contacted by scammers more than I have genuine interactions with friends. Outside of Dnd and such. A bit of this feeling is all in my head I’m sure, it just sucks that I want to have more people to talk to or a relationship and the only new people that reach out are selling or asking me to spend. I shouldn’t indulge them, I know, but it just feels good to talk to them even if I know that it will all come down to money in the end. Even Chelsea has asked for money for nudes, and I am considering if I want to deal with that. I think I just want to see if we will actually be able to meet in person once things calm down, if not then I’ll have some stuff to think about.

On a brighter note though, I have been talking to at least one new person. Sarcha (I assume that’s her name) from Feabie, go figure, and I have played BG3 twice now and it’s been a blast. It’s funny that I’ve had more scams come from that site and yet now I’ve started making an actual friend, possibly more. She is incredibly hot and I would be willing to date her if she was interested. Problem is she’s in Florida , and long distance dating is not really what I want to be doing. But that’s a bridge I’ll cross if it comes to it. I should try to remember that I am liked and there are people out there that I can vibe with. It’s just hard and I have feelings that I want to satisfy, and right now I am left sexually unfulfilled. And I just want to try sucking girl cock, which has been a real challenge to find. Mostly because I don’t get matches a lot on dating apps and I do need to be attracted to the woman who I pleasure. I feel like it shouldn’t be that hard to find, there are plenty of trans women out there I find attractive, and many enjoy having their dicks sucked (how many do I follow on Twitter). I get that it can be dysphoric, and I feel that I am respectful of that, but yet as a cis person I will not know the struggle. If only Aurora Skye would just hit me up, or better yet find her way to my doorstep. I would get on my knees and go to town, then she could fuck me, I could fuck her. A grand time could be had by all. Just wishful thinking I suppose.

Maybe it’s closer than I know. I’m still not completely sold on if this Charlotte thing is a scam, it probably is, but the chance is great enough that I will try. If she asks for the code from the card before I get it then that’s it. It’ll be a shame but I can’t trust that as soon as I give the code she won’t ghost, or extort, or something. I hate that I’m even here considering this though. Desperation really is something.

[dew-journal]

Things feel so unfair sometimes. Being told that someone I feel so strongly about wanting to get to know wants to do something with Fel after one day of messages just feels bad. And it’s no one’s fault, it’s not on them or anything. I’m just frustrated that it’s both so easy for them and I just get stuck on being afraid to try. Then people just being so receptive to them as well just makes me sad as I know that if I was in the position it would be wholly different. As it has been with Kenzie a second time now, where I have tried to meet up after she initiated. But I have been, for lack of a better term, ghosted (it seems).

And then seeing others seemingly so effortlessly doing the things I want to do. Going the places I’d like to go. I can’t help but feel so inadequate and cowardly. And if only I were different, more bold, more flamboyant, more flirtatious, not cis, or straight. How ironic that 15 years ago it felt the opposite. At this point I feel like I’m too weird for “average” people, but not enough for those considered weird.

I have always felt between worlds. Arts and sciences. Jock and nerd. Alt and whatever I felt like my family wanted for me. I know there is overlap between these worlds and there is nothing wrong with being both. The problem comes down to feeling pressured to fit into a mould that others have defined for me. I know I have people that want the best for me, but that is also defined by how they want to see me in a small way. I tell myself I haven’t gotten piercings or tattoos because I don’t know what I want or don’t have money, and that isn’t a lie, but I think the actual thing stopping me is what family would say. They are more old fashioned in a lot of ways than other people and that certainly has affected things. How long have I just worn things that I think make people see me how they want me to be. I’m just so afraid of abandonment and rejection that I change myself.

I think I still have a lot to learn about myself at my age. It sucks. I was supposed to be myself by now. And just let me go to sleep.

[dew-journal]

Why do I keep falling down holes with people who just disappear. We make plans, and everything seems to look up and then as if they had no interest gone. It will be weeks or months and they’ll send a message out of the blue which then lures me back in. And I fall for it every time.

Do I just attract these kind of people? They clearly are interested as they initiate reconnecting but then they don’t act like it. And sure I’m one to talk as I can do similar, but it feels different from my end. I at least try to follow through and make things happen when presented. This just makes me feel so dumb and frustrated. I put in so much effort and want to see more than flakes come out of it. I had other things I could have done today. But I’m instead waiting on a text from Kenzie that may never come, when I thought we had plans to check out a museum 4 hrs ago. Clearly I really like her and want to be around her and seemingly she feels similar. Yet why is it I’m alone on my couch tonight and she’s out doing something else. There are things I could be out doing too though. If only I had options maybe I wouldn’t get hung up on people who act like this, wouldn’t that be something.

Just what do I do though when I get these texts, because I almost can ensure I will cave in each time. This is another thing that would be perfect to talk about with a therapist.

[dew-journal]

I feel so overwhelming lonely. And yet I also have many people in my life that obviously like me and enjoy my company. But when I come home and no one is around it’s quiet. With West passing, it feels even more hollow. Lucy is wonderful, but doesn’t quite have the same manner. She does try though. I can’t afford to do things outside of my apartment most of the time as I have to keep up with bills. Then my dating life is basically as dry as can be, with no sense of how to change it. I just feel so hopelessly lost in my life most of the time. I’m 31 with no savings no direction and making just enough to scrape by. I want to exercise and try to pursue my artistic desires and work towards any sort of dream, yet I just can’t overcome my goddamn walls. I just want to be able to go out and enjoy my life, after dawdling for my 20s and existing through Covid for the end of them. I still don’t have my apartment put together either. I just can’t keep up with the continuous repetition of tasks. I really need to contact those therapists as something needs to change. I try not to use derogatory language against myself, but fighting myself constantly is so frustrating.

[dew-journal]

Another obsession. Do I just keep collecting these powerful crushes, never to see any to fruition or ruin? All of my hopes of connecting to people that I desire have been crumbling. Not due to lack of pursuit it seems, but of the randomness of coincidence. And yet ever onward to new crushes. Although I have to admit the newest one is possibly the most consuming I have had (at least for sometime). She seems ethereal, both in beauty and demeanor. While we have hardly interacted in any meaningful way I have become utterly smitten. She is a person who I assumed would only ever be a passing presence, someone I would see from afar at the markets and make any excuse to visit their table; or someone who I’d admire through their online activity. Someone who’d never know my name, and maybe not even my face. She would forget I exist once I left her sight, just another person in an overcrowded sea of the same. Yet by some measure of luck and goodwill I was at the same table, eating a meal with her and others who in any other circumstance I would pine to be even in the same music venue as. None of that means anything at all, but she might now remember my face, she might remember my name. And goddamn catching a glimpse of a rare smile on her lips melted my heart (even though it was not because of me). Of course one meal, one night, means nothing. Maybe I will still only have passing glances and missed opportunities. I do have one thing that may prove to be a powerful tool for the next time we chance to cross paths. The introduction. Officially we have been introduced to each other so the highest hurdle has already been met. All I have to do is the next time I see her is walk up to her table or where she is and say “It’s Olivia right? I don’t know if you remember me, but we were introduced after the BM Market in April. Just wanted to say hi, and that your look is just killer.” Or some variation, and definitely should remember to reintroduce myself too though. The problem though is I still have to overcome my nerves and present myself in a way that I actually want to be. I still feel that my biggest obstacle is I am still in a bit of a crisis of self doubt. I know the person I want to be, but it’s as if I don’t know how to get there. The true issue is that what is getting in my way isn’t something physical preventing me from moving, it is a psychological and/or monetary barrier. And the other issue is there is a first psychological barrier in front of the second which is the one stopping my true progress.

All of this doesn’t even touch on the gamble that comes into play when facing these emotions. It isn’t up to me, I have zero actual control over how she would perceive me. How any of my crushes will perceive me. I can do everything “right” and still just be not a fit. Which just sucks. That’s life, the highs and lows. I have just been feeling a lot more lows than highs and it’s soul crushing. My relationships all fall apart, a lot of the time due to me (at least partially) admittedly. But I can’t help but have a nagging thought in my head that rears every time this topic comes up. Every single one of my attempts at relationships since Ari, have been started because “they answered”. Not one has truly been with someone I felt passionate about. They were what I felt was as good as I could do as I was lonely or they were present. It’s been so hard for me trying to find someone that I get on blinders and just accept people who show interest. I just want one person who I crush on to even give me a chance, but I suppose that still puts the ball in my court.

[dew-journal]

I am having a hard time with not having any sexual partners. In all of this I have just felt so down bad for any sexual intimacy with another person. I probably did fuck up at least one chance to be with Jennifer, but I don’t know if that was going anywhere. Interactions felt forced and I have such an intense averse reaction to that. I’m not even sure she was going to be receptive to anything though (I do want to at least try and apologize, maybe I could get another chance but I doubt it). I still have my past experiences in my head and I just have no idea how to approach a long term intimate relationship when it seems like my sexual interest has a half life. Perhaps it is related to my kinks not being met though. Feabie was my first real foray into attempting to step into a kink community, and that so far has been a massive failure. And while I’m not giving up yet, I don’t know how much more I can take there. My main issue though is I have no idea how to approach finding folks who share some of my kinks. For example, (in)cest. DDlg has some of that aspect, but I don’t really vibe with that most of the time. Feedism again is kind of outside the norm although not on the same level, Bimboification is another that I feel is a little hard to bring up. And then there is my increasing desire to suck off a hot trans woman, which I would think would be easier to find a person into that alas. Again where do I look to find that? My NSFW twitter is full of it, although that could be confirmation bias. None of this even touches the possibility that I could be approaching the whole situation from the wrong angle. I might want to see if the role of a sub is more of a fit for myself as I have noticed that I tend to fall towards that in my behavior. But again this all leads towards me using more sites that I honestly have little patience for more and more as I put effort into them only to have nothing come of it. Maybe once I actually get everything settled at either home or work I’ll try to sit down and set up my fetlife fully, even though I kind of dread it. Or maybe by then I’ll have actually met one of the people I’m talking to and at least some of my problems will bear down on me less. Or maybe it’ll just be more of the same. Regardless, how hard is it to find some girldick to suck and get fucked by seriously.

[dew-journal]

Everything is closing in and it feels like nothing is ready. I barely have a working kitchen and not even the cooks to staff it. I have barely had anytime to develop recipes and not to mention training anyone. And we are expected to open in a week and a half now? We’ll be lucky if we open before September. I won’t even be able to focus on anything for basically 3 days because I have to move house, but I’m still going to need to put an order in for the day I fucking move in to a new apartment. All I can hope is that I can move things into the apartment on the 31st to make things at least a little easier. And I just keep forgetting to make calls I need to make, but our timelines are all messed up so who even knows. I just want to start doing my actual job and not worry about all these things I can’t even control. All I need is a damn break (or a fucking miracle). The quicker we can just get rubber to the road to say the better I’ll feel as if I can make a menu I’m confident with hopefully the rest will fall in to place, but I can’t emphasize enough how nervous I am about all that. Please just let it work out and have people like it, my biggest fear is that all this work will end up going to waste and the whole thing just burns to the ground. So much is riding on me and if I fail here I let so many people down, so much of the success of the restaurant is riding on my ability to deliver consistently good food and not make people sick. How the hell did I end up here as the most senior cook at a Boardgame cafe, to building a damn menu for a full restaurant I am batting way above my league. Just let this go well, all of this. Don’t let my life be consumed by a thankless position that leaves me dead to the world.

[dew-journal]

Why does this always happen. They wanted to talk, it was them who suggested more. But now they both just drop off and stop responding. We have hardly even talked at this point when it has been a few weeks. At this point I’m just not going to try anymore and leave it up to them and if they want anything to happen. And to top it off seeing apparently every match I have made on bumble be gone just hurts even though I wasn’t actively conversing with any of them at this point. I’m at the point of just deleting all these apps (probably for a while at least). It just seems dumb to put this effort in and get nothing out of it at this point. Wether it’s not knowing what to say to start conversations, or matches that go nowhere, or the bullshit of hardly any femme folks messaging first, or people who act interested and then dropping off. Not to mention how it makes me feel bad and constantly pressured to the point where I do similar things. Online dating increasingly futile and I’d either be stuck lying about being ENM or stuck in a void of half the people writing me off for that and the others not having the follow through to meet. This isn’t counting all the people I have ruined things with such as Jennifer, Amber, Ames, Natalie (even though she was just a fuck probably), and others. And the people I haven’t even talked to before ruining any chance I had. I wish I was able to keep up hope that things will work out and my life will improve but I’m not sure.

[dew-journal]

12/29/22

As 2023 approaches my “holiday season” mood is getting more volatile. This always seems to happen as the year goes on my dread, depression and anxiety hit a high right as the new year comes around. It is soul sucking starting every year off with all these negative emotions. And for the most part it really has not a whole lot of relation to the anything more than the dread of time passing. Holidays aren’t bad, I don’t hate my family and I am always grateful for any gifts that I get. I just feel lonely still, I know I have friends, I know there are people who like me and enjoy my company. But there is all the stress around gifting things, and the lurking memories of how things use to be so much more joyous, I got more than practical gifts and money. There were toys, videogames, things that made me excited more than what I can use money for; what I would give to just receive a full box of any MTG set or some Lego these days. So much of the year builds up to December and Christmas and there is immense pressure to be able to enjoy your self, movies glamorize it and even the saddest ones seem to end happily. I just wish some of the magic and spirit that seems to consume people in our fantasies around the holidays could find it’s way into me. Even if there could be just one party or some sort of non-Christmas celebration. At least there is the NYE party this weekend, which is a start and it feels good to be invited. I can’t imagine my desire around the whole kiss part will be fulfilled  for a number of reasons, but there is at least some hope now. At the least I imagine it will be a bit of fun. But there will always be the underlying hope that a hot, entrancing femme person will catch my eye and we would share a moment of passion and maybe more. That has a bunch of baggage along with it though, I have so few actual prospects and even the people who are interested in me don’t feel like they put in effort. Some of that is probably due to me being hot/cold, which is not what I want to be, but if they really wanted to work it out and get something going they could at least try a little more. Now it seems like all the people who match with are just out to get people on to their premium sites, and even they apparently don’t want to interact with me. It’s hard to stay positive when people are unresponsive or uninterested seemingly. I just want at least one person who is into me and puts in effort so I have more to respond to and stay engaged. I just want something to give me hope and to live for I guess. Yet I don’t want to put that on someone else either, I need to be happy and excited for myself first. It would be nice to fuck a bit on the way there though. 

[dew-journal]

Holidays have little meaning to someone who never gets to enjoy them. Halloween, Christmas, Fourth, Easter and even minor days used to be exciting. Yet now everything is reliant on what I do for these days. And with few exceptions what I do is work. It feels like I will have to be the one to make it worthwhile again, but it feels so daunting and hopeless. Not to mention who would I even invite, who would come, would it be worth it if the people I want to come the most are unable. I wish it wasn’t up to me..

[dew-journal]

I feel super foolish, I am jealous of a guy who I don’t even know because he seems to be dating a girl I have a crush on. For background, Ellen came in to The Castle today with a guy. I have no idea what their connection is, but they held hands while at the table. That doesn’t mean anything really, but it can also mean a lot. I still can’t get over the fact that I always seem to get these feeling towards people who have been out of reach. In this situation I’m pretty much positive Ellen isn’t open to a PolyAm/ENM thing and so even if everything lined up it.she wouldn’t be an option. I hardly know this girl, but I have idealized her and I only see the things I want in a relationship which isn’t right and isn’t healthy especially now. But it fits the pattern I have. Lose passion/interest in my current partner and see greener grass with anyone one I find appealing. I am not sure why this happens and I really don’t know when it started. The only thing I can imagine is how Ari and I ended and how much I felt for her and now not knowing if I scared her away or if she was as genuine as I thought. Like I can’t imagine she didn’t at least feel strongly to a point as she still wanted to see me after things ended. And despite the fact that we agreed that separation was better than long distance, I wasn’t ready and it still crushed me when she moved on so quickly. Maybe the experience left me subconsciously nervous about how much people actually like me and lead me to distance myself from people who care about me. That would explain part of this, but not this part with Ellen, or Katelyn or Becca or Astin. At the very least, he tipped pretty well . My god I just fucking realized it’s like Shake and Deepti where everything was great and then they met. I create an image of what I want and then when people don’t live up to it I find some one else to project onto perpetually chasing the feelings I had. Shit.

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I should be sleeping, but instead I have decided to dwell on the past. I don’t know how looking at my twitter followers devolved to remembering my old crush on Carolyn. And then to how I feel I ruined my life by failing out of college and making rifts between myself and people I called/considered friends. And now just knowing Carolyn blocked me on twitter, when I didn’t even use it at the time, just makes me feel bad. I made mistakes, silly foolish mistakes. But I never expected someone I thought I could trust with sensitive info would just go out of their way to just out of the blue start talking to a stranger about said sensitive info. Life is hard and I always seem to end up in these situations where I am isolated from people I care about and want to call friends. But then it’s as if we never really knew each other and I am always the third thought.