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dewsofdawn-blog · 7 years ago

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love? #1

this is a brief recount of my puppy love? this is quite a summary of a long ass not-even-a-love-story. i don’t really know. i never did. it never started. we, never started.

well, reading on, you’ll see my story depicts this one movie a lot (i mean A LOT). i wouldn’t mention which movie, but it came out back in 2010. my story, hah it’s not really a story, but bear with me kayy:) it happened in 2009, when i was a secondary school, first form. so i win. that movie resembled us. but that made me love the movie so much, it became my dearest treasure and life path.

so, starting the epic story, i was a nerd. i wore spectacles cos i’m as blind as a bat, i would fight anybody who wanna try on my harry potter spectacles. no way in heaven and earth hmpff. and i know nothing about love. i think its because i’m not fluent in my mother tongue. i didn’t go to a vernacular primary school so that’s pretty much why i didn’t bother polishing it at all. so i spoke a mix of 3 languages (now i speak a mix of 5, poor everybody) and that, i think was what made that boy like me in the first place. cos i’m a bit of what he never encountered? hahah i’m bragging don’t mind me. oh and all my efforts to speak in my mother tongue so i’m not making a fool outta myself in front of him (omg og omgggg).

so okay i’m babbling nonsense now. i meant to relate how that movie resembled so much of my experience. see, it took half a movie to know that the heroine actually felt the same way as the hero. it took that exact half a movie for me to get the shock of my life, how tf it could be so similar, who ratted on us (nobody did though, so let it be then)? i liked him the first time i saw him. it was like at first sight. there, every disney love story finally made sense. he was shorter than me, cute and all, and turned out to be quite a popular kid in my grade. we shared the same class for half a year before the grade shuffle.

the movie was an recount from hero’s pov, but since i was so similar to the heroine, i did shed some tears by the end of the movie. the hero suffered so much because of his first love, but the heroine did too. huhu. somehow, i’m glad our story did not start. it might have ended exactly like that movie. that much heartbreak, i don’t think a 13-year-old me could handle. but wait, wait, it didn’t blossomed into love, but everything else before that was real. pretty much.

so one thing i noticed from the movie, the heroine actually made the hero notice her. but hero’s pov, he saw her first and bamm, love at first sight bla bla bla. i did, too. i made myself noticable to him. i inserted myself into his daily life. i wanna make myself memorable to him. i was stupid. i didn’t know that i’m just making us both suffer more (in case we did progress like in the movie). well i think it paid off. i’m not gonna tell in detail what i did, rest assured i didn’t do anything indecent, i’m traditional af. my bff, our mutual friend as well, told me he had something in his eyes when i was in his sight. affection? love? i never knew. he talked to me in very light voice (note that his voice didn’t crack atm, pre-puberty kids we were hahah) and smiled a lot. god, i loved his dimple.

so this bff became our mediator. not quite but yeah he did ask hella lot of stuffs about me so bff complained to me one of us should fuckin make a move. and so he made a move. it was very cute actually, the confession. all before that he did pull some boyfriend acts like sauntering around my class during recesses and telling his friends ‘i’m gonna go see my girl‘ every time they ask him where he go mia all the time. okay you see i told you i was a nerd. i liked him but i was not gonna do anything about that. i thought it would just be a crush and i’ll move on or something. i was not him to even reciprocate despite all that ‘make-him-notice-me-acts‘. so i was scared when bff told me he might as well feel the same way. nooooooooo. this is not at all what i wished would happen. i couldn’t possibly understand love, i was inexperienced, i could never do well in one at that time.

i made up my mind. i went impartial. i didn’t reciprocate anything from him, anything. he must’ve been confused. poor boy. i did lead him on, judging from his disappointed expression when during the confession, i told him i couldn’t. i pulled all those traditional shit wanting all my relationships known to my parents and approved on him. that’s hard on a 13-year-old, any 13-year-old. i’m practically demanding a heavy responsibility. he said it’s okay. he stared at me quite long after that, and there’s something in his eyes. a fond look. a i-don’t- blame-you look. an understanding look. and he told me another thing, a favour. he wanted me to keep looking at him the same way. whatever way i had the very first time i saw him. not the one i was having at the moment of his confession. and he’ll do the same. ‘let’s do the same. might as well wait another 10 years and see then if it grows’. i was speechless. 10 years are such a long period. i might move on and fell in love with an entirely different person, when i finally understand what love is. why would he choose to wait? so i told him don’t. he can do whatever he wants. why do something that ridiculous? now what he answered then hit me deep. he had a few relationships before me happened you see, he’s quite experienced and shits dealing with waitings and break-ups. ‘i like you‘ well i did too? ‘i really like you‘ ‘i wanna see you in the next 10 years and know that you worth the wait‘ oh wait that’s such a playboy’s statement. hahah what a bluff.

and i mean it hit me deep cos after the confession we finally got comfortable with each other, leaving behind the shy glances and shits, there are moments that keep telling me i should have not said all those thing i mentioned earlier. petty moments like him looking out for my still incompetent mother-tongue speaker ass at occasions, greeting my dad kindly if we crashed into each other, saying that he should learn speaking japanese as well (i was forced to took an extra language for some school reasons idk what why whatever but i came to like it a lot after that) so we can speak mixed languages together so i wouldn’t look weird all by myself and talking about my crushes on people (i did have a number of crushes on anyone with side-parted hair and dimples broad shoulders, be it boys or girls). he laughed along, telling me i matured then since the last time we brought up that issue. all that while, he was not in any relationships and if i asked, he said he passed his searching-for-miss-right age already ‘we are quite old to do that now aren’t we?’ but i’m still searching mine, hello? oh i could not understand him after all.

so we finished secondary school and we went on with our life respectively. i haven’t seen him for for over a couple of years now. the last time we saw each other was when i had sem breaks where i worked part time and he came visiting now and then, small chats but not even catching up quite nicely due to my working hours and his working hours. guess what, i’ll be 23 next year and if i get to see him again and he brings up this thing, i’m gonna literally fly into his arms i swear hahah. which i doubt if he did remember. well we could finally start right, by that time?

aah i knew it i’m a lazy sloth, i’m done typing when there’s still a lot to the story so i’ll tell the rest later when i get fired up. hihi. thanks for reading.

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